E350's Happy Fluffy Reviews of Really Bad Fanfics
by E350
Summary: Rated for mild crude humour. E350 has gathered up characters from shows we like and avowed to review fanfictions - the good, the bad, and the plain wacky. And no - he isn't ripping of Mystery Science Theatre. Or the Nostalgia Critic. Honest.
1. Spongebob: Obligitory Bad Parody

What can I say? I was bored. Enjoy!

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E350's Happy Fluffy Reviews of REALLY BAD FANFICS**

**Review One – 'Spongebob'**

Is this thing on?

Uh, is this thing…oh wait, this is text, I can't have a camera. Buggery to heck!

Well, never mind. I'm E350. I'd add a parody of the Nostalgia Critic's intro here, but frankly I can't be stuffed. As seems to be a trend lately, I have decided to try my hand at reviewing things. Contrary to the title, I will not exclusively be reviewing bad fanfic – although there will be a few of those, Sturgeon's Law, people – but also good fanfic, and OK fanfic, and sometimes plain _weird_ fanfic.

Anyway, recently I was just hanging in there, as you do, when the branch broke and I fell out of the tree. Deciding to find something less painful to do, I decided to look at fanfics, and I found a parody. Shocking, right? I read through this fanfic, and I very nearly _died_. It was not merely bad; it was atrocious, a crime against humanity, a foul deed so terrible it would make Genghis Khan scream in disgust.

It was a Shrek parody – with Spongebob in the title role.

Without further ado, we shall now begin to tear apart this affront to nature – however, I cannot do it alone. Therefore, I phoned up Danny Fenton and Tucker Foley (which was hard – there were six Tucker Foleys in the phone book, as it turned out) to give me support.

What? No, I'm not ripping off Mystery Science Theatre 3000, stop accusing me! … NO! I'm not ripping off the Nostalgia Critic either! Go away, you're mean!

* * *

"Alright, let's start this madness. For the record, Danny gets the bold font, Tucker gets the italic font…actually, that's rubbish, I'll just explain who's talking in the narrative," I decided.

I had gathered up Danny and Tucker, and convinced (read; forced) them to help me read this. I had gathered them around a table with a computer monitor slapped in the middle.

"Narrative?" quizzed Danny, "What're you talking about?"

"Hey, at least I didn't misspell you as 'Dante' again!" I snapped.

Danny and Tucker exchanged confused glances as I booted up the fanfic.

_Hello, I'm the author._

"Hello, the author," we said in a bored monotone.

_There's a reason this story is claimed as heavily rewritten. The same basic plot is the same: evil medieval megalomaniac, princess, long journey, weird companion, blah blah blah, but in this, Spongebob isn't actively trying to scare people away. I call I the Klemper syndrome; be too friendly, and you'll scare people off._

"Gee, thanks for describing the entire plot twist," shot Danny.

_So follow Spongebob, Patrick, Sandy and a heck of a lot of other Nicktoons in the parody of this…bottom 10 list! Enjoy, and see if you can find me in it. I'll be using my penname._

"Low self esteem – check. Self-Insert – check," nodded Tucker.

_**We see room, really, really contrasting from the outhouse of the original movie. It's Spongebob Squarepants' room. The foghorn alarm clock goes off and Spongebob jolts awake. He turns to look at his snail, Gary, who is resting on some newspaper.**_

_Spongebob: IIIIIIIIII'MMMM REEEEEAAAAADDDYYYY!_

"Oh for…it's in script mode!" I exclaimed, "What was this idiot thinking?"

_Spongebob: Ketchup, onion and peanut sundae, Gary. Don't ya just love it?_

_Gary: Meow._

_Spongebob: No? Why not?_

_Gary: Meow._

_Spongebob: My breath will not stink!_

_Gary: Meow._

_Spongebob: All right, I'll take out the onion. How about jellyfish jelly?_

"Yep…the plot's just _rolling_ on here," deadpanned Danny.

"Hey, did he just steal the sundae idea from 'Something Smells?'" asked Tucker.

"I think that's the least of our problems," I replied.

_**After a few hours jellyfishing, Spongebob returns to the pineapple, to find a small crowd of guys with pitchforks, namely Carl, Sheen, Squidward, Dag and Norb, standing outside his house.**_

"I'm pretty sure there were more the five guys in the angry mob in the movie," mused Tucker.

_**Dag, Norb, Carl and Sheen look mortified as they watch the technique, while Squidward looks mildly worried.**_

_Spongebob: Pelvic thrust! Woooo!_

_Squidward: Stay calm, Squiddy. He's just an idiot._

_Spongebob: …this and that and…_

_**Spongebob blows a large amount of bubbles that float en masse towards the mob, blowing out the torches and somehow denting the pitchforks.**_

_Spongebob: Hey, you look hungry! Wanna Krabby Patty?_

_Squidward: RUN OR WE'LL NEVER GET OUTTA HERE!_

"Uh…what?" said Danny, confused.

"It's the technique," I shrugged, "Evidentially it strikes fear in the hearts of your enemies."

"Wow…I've gotta learn that," nodded Danny.

_TB: OK, Mr…Skulker, is it? What do you have here?_

"Well, there's the Self-Insert," noted Tucker.

"Doesn't 'TB' stand for tuberculous?" mused Danny.

"Yes, it is I!" boomed Tucker, in a deep voice, "Mr. Tuberculous!"

"OK, that's mildly frightening," I shuddered.

_**Mr Krabs steps forward, with Patrick standing next to him.**_

_TB: Mr Krabs, this is the ninth time you've tried to sell us a neighbour. I'm liable to have you arrested._

_Mr Krabs: Arr, but this one is different. It's really stupid!_

"Can you _really_ imagine Mr. Krabs saying that?" asked Danny.

"No, not really," replied Tucker.

_TB: I don't doubt that he's dim, Mr Krabs, but there's a difference between ghost stupidity and normal stupidity._

_Mr Krabs: What is it?_

_TB: The IQ of a grunt._

_Mr Krabs: Barnacles!_ _Only one short!_

"Play the sound byte, Tuck," nodded Danny.

Tucker turned on a tape recorder.

"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" the recording played.

_**Out of the trees run the guards, who see Spongebob, and simply run back the way they came. Spongebob picks Patrick off the ground.**_

_Patrick: Where am I?_

_Spongebob: Why, you're four hundred yards from my pineapple, friend!_

"With lines like that, is it really any wonder why people think Spongebob is gay?" sighed Danny.

"I take offence!" I snapped, "That's just a by-product of crappy writing!"

"True," nodded Danny.

_Chapter 2: Tyrants and People and Stuff_

"We're only up to chapter two?" cried Tucker.

_**We cut to a giant, dark, generic castle. Deep in the damp and dingy dungeons (ha, adjectives)**_

All three banged our heads on the table.

_**Lord Denzel Q. Crocker, a hunchbacked, fairy-obsessed tyrant, is interrogating Cosmo.**_

"Crocker is Ffarquad?" mused Danny, "That doesn't sound that bad…"

_Crocker: Well, FAIRY! Tell me where FAIRY WORLD is or face my evil wrath!_

"Never mind."

_Crocker: Ah, the legendary VOX! We meet at last._

_VOX: I can only respond to Jimmy Neutron._

_**Guard boots Jimmy into the room.**_

_TB: Genius comes inclusive._

"Jimmy Neutron and VOX as the Mirror?" groaned Danny.

"At least he didn't pick GIR," shrugged Tucker.

_Crocker: Activate VOX!_

_Jimmy: Never!_

_**Crocker holds up a page with the periodic table written on it and a match.**_

_Crocker: Activate VOX!_

_Jimmy: VOX, activate…whatever Crocker wants!_

"Yep, Jimmy would totally act like that," deadpanned Tucker.

_Ahem…last up we have Sandy Cheeks. Apt in karate but not as scary as Helga, the only downside is you have to be a right fool to choose this option. It's in a castle guarded by an Alaskan Bull Worm, only the bravest or stupidest of…"_

"Everyone who's surprised, raise your hand," I sighed.

No hands went up.

_Patrick: Yeah, and my nose is red!_

_Spongebob: Patrick, you don't have a nose._

_Patrick: GAAH! Where's my nose gone?_

"Oh look. More funny jokes," said Danny, wryly.

_**The Nicktoons look up and groan.**_

_Mr Blik: Great, we've moved next to a sponge. I told you this was a bad idea!_

_Danny: It's not like we've got a choice! Crocker forced us out here, we'll just have to live with him!_

_Jenny: Yeah, but that guy __might__ just be pushing the…_

_Gordon: Look, unless Lord Crocker repeals the law, we have to sit here. Besides, it's not that bad._

_Waffle: Gordon, I think I messed myself._

_Gordon: Now it's bad._

"Toilet humour?" I asked.

"Yep," nodded Danny.

"That's it, I'm out of here."

I got out of my chair and walked out of the room. Danny and Tucker glanced at each other.

"I'll call Sam," said Danny at last.

* * *

Sam was now sitting in my place, looking somewhat annoyed to be here.

"Right, here we go again, people," shuddered Danny, "Tuck – reopen the document."

_Spongebob: Gary, whaddaya mean Lord Crocker won't listen to me! I'm sure he has a good heart!_

_**Meanwhile…**_

_Crocker: Haha! TB, how is my thoroughly evil heart?_

"Gilligan Cut," everyone noted, unenthusiastically.

_**Not long ago, the giant generic-looking castle in the centre of the Nicklands had been called Dimmsdale. Now, however, it was called Crockersdale, after its new lord and master. The German Sixth Army came and…oh, wait…wrong place.**_

"Wha?" blurted Danny.

_Eugene: [Puppet 1] So, what do we do in Crockersdale? [Puppet 2] Well, serf, we have a few easy to follow rules…__**Three hundred and forty two rules later…**__and that's how you behave in Crockersdale._

_Patrick: I liked the song better._

"Lame joke, lamer lampshading," observed Sam.

_**Meanwhile, Crocker has set up a large arena. Technus, Vicky, ManRay, Butch, Lars and Brick (one of the neighbours in Catscratch) are getting ready to rumble!**_

"Note the exclamation point," nodded Tucker, "They're not getting ready to fight…they're getting ready to _RUMBLE!_"

"Terrible!" shot Sam, throwing a rotten tomato at him.

_Spongebob: Lord Crocker, I accept your challenge, with the honour of being the deliverer to safety of royalty. This will be the defining moment in my spongy life, but I will…_

_Patrick: Spongebob, we've already left._

_**The camera zooms out. Spongebob and Patrick are walking away from the castle.**_

_Spongebob: Oh. I knew that. __**Laughs.**_

"This guy is truly the master of comedy," groaned Sam.

_**The two walk up to a wooden bridge over a large amount of rather hot lava.**_

_Patrick: Wow. Ice cream._

_Spongebob: I think that's lava._

_Patrick: Oh, yeah, right…what's lava?_

_Spongebob: This really hot liquid that melts anything it touches. Why do you ask?_

_Patrick: Um…maybe I should wait outside._

_Spongebob: But Patrick, we just crossed._

_**Indeed, Spongebob and Patrick have crossed the bridge while talking.**_

"Stop trying to be funny!" shouted Danny.

_**Patrick picks up a knight helmet. Well, actually, it's made of cardboard, but it still looks the same.**_

"Where did a cardboard helmet come from?" mused Danny.

"Meh, I dunno," shrugged Tucker, "This story makes no sense."

_Spongebob: Tartar sauce! Well, add that to my To-Do List._

_**Spongebob brings out a notepad and writes 'Save Patrick' under 'Bring Princess Sandy to Lord Crocker' and 'Buy new underpants.'**_

"I think he'd be a little less apathetic about Patrick being dragged off by a giant worm," noted Danny.

_**The Worm follows, it's chains (did I mention it had chains?)**_

"No. You didn't," replied Tucker.

_**Slowly wrapping around some large supports.**_

_Sandy: Get to the bridge!_

"RUN! GO! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!" yelled Danny.

_**Spongebob takes off his helmet. There is a short silence.**_

_Disembodied Baldrick Voice: Hang on. Wasn't there a bit of an argument here in the original?_

_Sandy: Why? He's got 'messenger' written all over him._

_**Indeed, we see that Spongebob and Patrick are covered in tags saying 'Messenger'. However in the next scene, they are gone.**_

"Baldrick? From Blackadder? Seriously?" exclaimed Tucker.

"Oh, and he just cut out a plot element," Sam pointed out.

"Good – it'll be finished quicker," sighed Danny.

_Spongebob: We're here for Lord Crocker. I'm sure he's a nice guy when you get to know him…_

_**Meanwhile…**_

_Crocker: Evict the orphanage, whip something and find me a puppy to kick!_

"Another Gilligan Cut," deadpanned all three.

"Hilarious," groaned Sam.

_Sandy: I can't believe I'm marrying this guy._

_Spongebob: Aw, come on! It's for all those people forced from their homes!_

_Patrick: Like Mr Blik. __Think of Mr Blik!_

"Think of Mr. Blik!" cried Tucker, "Think of him, damn you!"

_TB Voice: I HEARD THAT!_

_Baldrick Voice: I thought you wrote that._

_TB Voice: Baldrick, shut up._

"You shut up," snapped Sam.

"That's not very nice," noted Danny.

"This monstrosity doesn't deserve nice," growled Sam.

_Patrick: Heh, what kind of a nerd looks at stars?_

Danny stood up, his face locked in a dark look.

"I will find this author," he said, emotionlessly, "And I will kill him."

"Can I come?" asked Sam, grinning.

_**Spongebob wakes up and gets to his feet to find Sandy using the ashes of the campfire to make (according to a Google search on what Texans eat for breakfast) sausage patties (or, in Texas…um…sausage.)**_

"Google," exclaimed Tucker, "He looked up an entire state's eating habits…on Google."

_Spongebob: Warning. You have now entered the territory of the Bolbi Men._

"I hope they remembered their Visas," mused Danny.

_Bolbi: I, Bolbi, am the leader of the Bolbi Men!_

_**Out of the trees step Elmer, Sanjay, Chuckie, CatDog and Howard.**_

"To be honest, these aren't the kind of people who strike fear into my heart," moaned Sam.

_Patrick: I feel like I'm in some really badly written parody!_

"Finally! Some sense!" cheered Sam.

_**Spongebob looks at his rear. There is indeed an arrow sticking out.**_

_Spongebob: How did that happen?_

_Patrick: Don't worry, buddy, I'll get it out!_

_**Patrick brings out something that looks similar to the Jaws of Life.**_

"Does this guy even know what the Jaws of Life are?" demanded Tucker.

"This guy doesn't know anything," replied Danny.

"True," nodded Tucker.

_Patrick: Yeah, that means we'll get there at six fifty-nine and twenty eight seconds._

_Sandy: Wait, that mean's it's five twenty-nine!_

"No, it means it's five _fifty_-nine," corrected Sam, "You fail."

_Sandy: (OS) Patrick, it's me, Sandy._

_**The camera pans. It is indeed Sandy, but her skin has changed. It is no longer furry, instead it has become spongy and full of holes. **__**Ye gads!**__** Sandy has turned into a sponge!**_

"Oh…ye gads," deadpanned Danny.

"Didn't see _that_ one coming," added Sam, dryly.

_Sandy: A witch who had nothing better to do named Anti-Wanda put a curse on me._

"Anti-Wanda?" demanded Tucker, "I mean, I could understand Anti-Cosmo, but Anti-_Wanda?_"

_Every night, you turn into a sponge, but it stops when the sun comes up, and you have to kiss you're true love for it to wear off!_

"You have to kiss _you are _true love?" repeated Danny, scratching his head.

"I'm confused," groaned Tucker.

_Sandy: Oh right. Well…_

_**A floorboard creaks.**_

_Sandy: …absorbent, yellow, full of holes…_

_**Another floorboard creaks.**_

_Sandy: …locked up._

_**Spongebob puts on that really miserable face he puts on sometimes.**_

_Spongebob: __**Tearful.**__ Locked up?_

"Don't you guys just _hate_ it when the floorboards creak like that?" asked Danny.

"I didn't know barns _had_ floorboards," sighed Sam.

_Patrick: What's a flower?_

"I don't think even Patrick's that stupid," mused Tucker.

_Crocker: OUCH!_

_TB: You should have taken those riding lessons, sir. Did wonders for me!_

_Crocker: Don't lecture me._

"Can you say 'Marty-Stu?'" asked Danny, rolling his eyes.

_Spongebob: __**Angrily.**__ Well, here you go, __Princess__. Enjoy._

_Sandy: What the heck is up with you?_

_Spongebob: I dunno…maybe you should ask someone who isn't FULL OF HOLES! _

"Geez, anger management, dude!" snapped Danny.

"Yep, _totally_ in character," nodded Sam.

_**At the castle, Sandy is watching TB and Dib preparing a wedding cake. Dib is trying to give the groom figure a hunched back to fit in with Crocker's shape. Instead, he sets the cake on fire. TB tries to blow it out, and the flames fly onto Dib, who starts running around screaming. TB throws water over it, and Dib melts. Confused, TB spray paints the horrifically burnt cake pink and leaves the room whistling.**_

All three stared silently for a second.

"What. The heck. Was _that?"_ demanded Danny, at last.

"I don't wanna know," sighed Tucker, "I… I don't wanna know."

"Whatever this guy's taking must be pretty good," mused Sam.

_Spongebob: So what __was__ she talking about?_

_Patrick: Herself._

_Spongebob: Wha?_

_Patrick: Uhh…Herself…i…a._

_Spongebob: Who's Herselfia?_

_**The Alaskan Bull Worm comes out of the ground.**_

_Patrick: My girlfriend._

"The bull worm is named Herselfia," groaned Danny, "Why is this one of the more _sane_ parts of this parody?"

_Spongebob: __I'M IN LOVE WITH SANDY AND I'M GONNA STOP HER FROM MARRYING LORD CROCKER IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!_

"Shipping – check," nodded Tucker.

_**Spongebob turns around. On top of Herselfia sit Mr Blik, Gordon, Waffle, Danny, Jenny and Timmy.**_

"Hey, where'd they come from?" asked Danny.

"Don't try to make sense of this, Danny," sighed Sam.

_TB: As immoral as the fact that the time is now five-fifty-nine and fifty-nine seconds._

"Oh, for crying out loud, stop trying to be funny!" snapped Sam.

_TB: I'm fired, aren't I?_

_Crocker: Yes, you are._

"And there was much rejoicing," added Tucker.

_**Crocker speaks up.**_

_Crocker: OK, that does it. To heck with the law! Send the 'squirrel' to the dungeons! And I will be KING! And possessor of FAIRY GOD PARENTS!_

_Spongebob: Somehow I didn't think my week would turn out like this._

_Crocker: Yes, I am now officially the king of the Nicklands!_

_TB: Sir…_

_Crocker: HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHA!_

_TB: Sir…_

_Crocker: Go me! Go me! Go me!_

_**Herselfia crashes through the wall with Patrick and co on top.**_

_Crocker: Where'd that worm come from! Destroy it!_

_Patrick: Fight the power!_

_**The worm lunges at Crocker who manages to dodge.**_

_Crocker: TB, Neutron, HELP ME!_

_TB: Oh, I'm sorry. I no longer work for you._

_Jimmy: And never worked for you to begin with, so, bye._

_Crocker: AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!_

_**Herselfia lunges at Crocker again, eating him in a single gulp.**_

"That was quick," noted Danny.

"Good, we're nearly done," grinned Sam.

_Sandy: I love you too._

_TB: YES! TAKE THAT, SQUIDWARD!_

_**Jimmy raises his foot with force into TB's groin.**_

_TB: Ow._

"Yeah! Somebody kicked him in the b-" began Tucker.

Danny burped loudly.

"Sorry," he apologised.

_**Spongebob and Sandy get even closer and their biological matter turns out to be antimatter and the planet explodes.**_

There was another long silence.

"That's the end?" demanded Danny at last, springing to his feet, "We read through this _crap_ for _THAT? _What the _hell_ was the point? _He just destroyed the planet! WHAT THE FU-"_

"Wait, there's more," warned Tucker.

"Sorry," nodded Danny, meekly, as he sat down again.

_**Nah, just kidding. Spongebob and Sandy get closer and…oh blimey, I've never written this before…they kiss. Most of the crowd resound in an another "Awwwww…" except Mr Blik and Timmy, who look repulsed, and Patrick, who looks oblivious as usual.**_

"Worst. Paragraph. Ever," groaned Sam.

_**After this, Sandy lifts up in the sky and glows brightly. Someone in the crowd screams out "MY EYES!"**_

"Obviously, they read this story," noted Sam.

_Mr Blik: __**Vomits.**_

"More toilet humour," noted Tucker, dryly, "Yippee."

_Jimmy: And, that's the end of it. Get boring after the whole 'kiss the bridge' thing._

_Patrick: Go Spongebob and Sandy! Woo!_

_Gary: Meow!_

_Squidward: Whatever._

_Sheen: Yeah! Go hideous sponges!_

_Carl: Sheen, don't insult the freaks!_

_Dag: That was nuts!_

_Norb: No it wasn't, stop saying that!_

_TB: I don't know why I'm here, hurray!_

_Skulker: I must say I found it…mildly interesting._

_Box Ghost: I AM THE BOX GHOST! BEWARE!_

_Mr Krabs: Arr, fine wedding if I ever saw one. Nice and cheap._

_Guard: Why am I here?_

_Cosmo: As long as I'm reunited with Phillip, everything's OK._

_VOX: VOX sensors: joyful._

_Mr Blik: Yeah, whatever. When're we leaving?_

_Gordon: Aye, it would've been done better in Scotland._

_Waffle: Splee!_

_Danny: Nice wedding. Well, nice, as in, no ghosts attacked…_

_Jenny: Yeah, while I got to be a bridesmaid! Beat that!_

_Timmy: So boring. Can't focus._

_Dib: __**In a jar.**__ …_

_Eugene: Wow, nice wedding. __Falls of bench backwards.__ I'm OK._

_Vicky: Whatever, twerps._

_ManRay: This is ridiculous, why am I even here?_

_Butch: Got a Krabby Patty?_

_Lars: You're all doofuses, ha!_

_Technus: I, Technus, am totally confused at your mortal emotions!_

_Brick: Duh, that was long._

_Bolbi: Bolbi overjoyed. Bolbi not know why he's here!_

_Sanjay: I liked it because Timmy was here._

_Elmer: No, Bob, I will not destroy everyone!_

_Howard: I wonder if they got wedding insurance?_

_Chuckie: This reminds me of Paris._

_Dog: Hi-ho-diggety, Cat! Wasn't that fun?_

_Cat: __**Looks up from newspaper**__.__ What? Yeah, OK._

_Fish: __**Foot stuck under chair support.**__ MY LEG!_

"Everyone shut up, I'm getting a migraine," scolded Sam.

"Did you see my line?" demanded Danny, "I don't mention ghosts every other sentence, you know – that's dad's thing!"

"Uh…we _really_ didn't need all that," noted Tucker.

"Yeah, we do," shrugged Danny, "Made up for all the stuff he missed."

**The words 'The End' appear across the screen.**

"Thank God!" cried Danny and Sam.

"Wait!" exclaimed Tucker, "Look below it!

…

**NEXT TIME:**

"Oh no…oh _please_ no," shuddered Danny, his face turning pale.

_Hugh: Yah! You can never defeat Duckman! Half human, half duck, all Hugh!_

_Larry: Dude, where the heck is she?_

_Gordon: Sorry, your three weeks late. She's on her honeymoon._

_Mama Cosma: This is completely unacceptable, do you hear me?_

_Mr Turner: Yes ma'am._

_TB: Oh don't tell me we're making a sequel!_

"Please don't make us read that, _please don't make us read that!_" pleaded Danny.

"Don't worry," replied Tucker, "Never seems to have been made."

"Thank…thank everything," exclaimed Danny, relieved.

"I can't believe this," shuddered Sam, "What kind of gormless idiot would write this train wreck?"

"I dunno," shrugged Danny, "E350 wouldn't let us look at the author name."

"Well, he's not here now," grinned Sam, scrolling up the page.

They reached the top.

Their eyes widened.

_**Spongebob**_

_Based on a movie by DreamWorks (guess which one.)_

_Heavily, __**heavily**__ adapted by E350TB_

It was dated 19/08/2008.

The door opened, and I walked back in.

"Is it over?" I asked.

"_You _wrote this?" demanded Sam.

"Uh…um…err…maybe?" I replied, meekly.

The Phantom trio glanced at each other.

Then they threw a barrage of rotten tomatoes at me.

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'Spongebob' by E350**

_Danny Fenton: 0_

_Tucker Foley: 0_

_Sam Manson: 0_

_E350: Pause…0_

_Total: 0

* * *

_

Yeah, this thing kind of embarrasses me._ :(  
_

Anyway, feedback is welcome, as are suggestions for things for me to review, and have a nice evening!


	2. John in Amity: Product Placement FTW!

Hello, chaps and chapettes, and welcome to another review! Apologies in advance to Predwolf.

Review Replies;

**Cartoonatic55:** Ask and ye shall recieve, my friend! Thanks for reading!

**otherrealmwriter:** Thanks very much! :D

**TweenisodeOrange:** I'll put it on the cards for a future updates. Thanks for reviewing!  
**

* * *

Review Two – 'John in Amity' – Product Placement FTW!**

Welcome back, comrades, as we delve into the good, the bad and the plain weird.

Now, I was originally going to review either the – ahem! – 'glorious' works of Hans von Hozel or 'Remember Me' by TweenisodeOrange (incidentally, I liked that one!), but then I happened upon this thing in the DP section.

When I saw this fanfic, happily floating about the DP section obscuring my view of the stuff that actually looked like it was worth reading, I thought it might be a awful wish-fulfilment fanfic, and boy was _I _wrong! As it turns out, it's an awful wish-fulfilment fanfic that goes right around the awful line and becomes funny again!

Now, I did not ask Mr. Predwolf if I could do this, and I will happily remove it if he takes offence.

Alright, gang, lets do this.

* * *

"Welcome to the reading room!" I grinned, "Today we have our returning experts, Messers. Danny Fenton, Tucker Foley and Sam Manson!"

Danny, Sam and Tucker gave a small wave, looking like they'd rather walk through the seven sub-levels of hell then be here right now.

"OK, let's get this over with," sighed Danny, "Care to open this 'masterpiece' up?"

I clicked on the link, opening up the story.

_Yeah I finally got an acount here is my first fic it inlcudes my ocs John Grumman and extreme mountain Dew wildness._

"You ever heard of a John Grumman?" asked Danny.

"I have heard of a Grumman," shrugged Tucker, "I think they build airplanes."

_Disclaimer: Me: Hey Danny Do i Own you?_

_Danny: No you don't and you don't own Mountain Dew either you do however own John and his werewolfinish_

"I don't remember saying any of that," mused Danny.

"Werewolves, eh?" considered Sam, "If this guy ruins them…"

"Stephanie Meyer beat him to it, I'm afraid," sighed Tucker.

_A/n John can change into a wolf and has telepathy he has used these abillities to become the super hero The wolf in the glen!_

"Hey! That's _my_ thing!" snapped Danny, "And also Vlad's thing…and Dani's thing…and Tuck's thing at least once…and dad's in that alternate timeline…"

There was a long silence.

"Am I really _that_ unoriginal?" sighed Danny.

"Yup," I nodded.

_In John's house right after Phantom Planet......._

_On tv it is showing Danny being awarded a medal of heroism and then it zooms out to John gritting his teeth._

_John(to himself): _

"Aw no, not more script format," moaned Sam.

_Come on Seriously some ghost kid reveals himself and he gets all famous yet I have saved dozens of people here in the glen and nobody gives me an award for heroism! And I don't have a whole world of ghost to help me with my endeavors!_

"Dude! I saved the entire planet!" shouted Danny, "That's about _six billion_ people! That's a bit more then a few dozen, y'know!"

"My Mary-Sue Sense is tingling," deadpanned Sam.

_John's Dad: Guess what John?_

_John: What?_

_John's Mom: We're going to the home of Danny Phantom, Amity Park!_

"I thought his name was John," I mused.

There was a short silence, before Tucker played a tape-recording of crickets chirping.

_John: Just great!_

_John's mom: What?_

_John: nothing Just let me call Jack. (drinks a mountain dew nad gets phone out)_

"Hey! That's product placement!" I snapped, "You never see _me_ do that in _my _fanfics!"

I took a long slip from my Coco-Cola.

_2 day later .....Dani Phantom flying over amity_

"Que pairing!" we all said in concert.

_Dani(to self): what a nice day! The Sun is Shinning the Birds are Signing and Yesterday Danny's Family officially adopted Me! Life is good! I don't even need to hide my ghost half anymore! I even get an allowance!_

"Que exposition!"

_All of a sudden Skulker pops up_

_Skulker: Ello Govenor! I is gonna get yer pelt ye see_

"Que bad stereotyping!"

"Wait," mused Danny, "Skulker's British in this?"

"Sounds more Australian to me," I considered.

"New Zealand?" shrugged Tucker.

_Dani: Skulker Why are you talking in a british accent?_

_Skulker: To much mountain Dew typhoon it is Ew mate?_

"More product placement!" I snapped, before taking a long sip of my Coca-Cola.

"So…Mountain Dew makes you British?" said Danny, confused, "I thought it came from Canada."

"Actually, it was first made in Tennessee," replied Tucker.

There was a long silence.

"Wikipedia," nodded Tucker.

"Riight," humoured Sam.

_Skulker shoots a weapon Dani has never seen before at her it hits head on and suddenly Dani becomes about 2 years older and for some reason has all the knowledge and wisdom a 14 year old would have._

There was a short silence.

"Lolwat?" I blurted.

"Never mind, let's keep reading," sighed Sam.

_(A/n: from now on britishh accent skulker is Dulker)_

"_Of course!"_ I declared.

"Quiet, you'll get us sued!" snapped Tucker.

_Dullker: Eh man Me machine didn't work!_

"Eh mon, dis is not good!" I said in a fake Jamaican accent, "I hed to sell mah crib to make dat ting!"

"Lame," sighed Sam.

"Sorry," I apologised, sadly.

_Dani: Umm Sure But you said your machine didn't work?_

_Skulker: oh this one it suppose to take some one back two years but I haven't been using it since I thought it'd be to cruel!_

"Que Out-of-Character!"

_Dani: Well you shot it at me Skullker and I am 14 now._

_Skulker: Oh no I am sorry must have been a malfunciton caused by the side of me that comes out during a sugar rush, Dulker!_

"When did Skulker become considerate?" demanded Tucker.

"_Somebody_ didn't listen to his last line in Phantom Planet," I replied.

_Disclaimer:F#k off I don't own DP or Mountain Dew or World OF Warcraft or F##ing Naruto who's characters are a total rip-offs of Dragon Ball Z's characters! which I don't Own I mean come on take a look the only diffrence between Goku and Naruto is the demon spirit and apperance! a$$ holes who want to F#$%ing sue me!_

"Grr! I'm angry! Watch me swear!" imitated Danny.

"I don't think we needed any of that," sighed Sam.

_Jack Fenton: What Dani you're 14 now but how!_

"Deus Ex Machina, man," replied Tucker, "Deus Ex Machina."

_Then Dani and maddie go talk about Teen girl stuff (I don't know what it is cuse I am a guy! Well I kinda do cause health class but I don't want a high rating on this!)_

"I know what you're talking about," nodded Tucker, "We got to sing a song about it in Sixth Grade."

"Really?" I mused.

"Yeah," replied Danny, "It was so we'd memorize it. Wanna hear?"

Danny and Tucker immediately broke into song, as Sam and I stared in increasing horror.

"You guys disgust me," sighed Sam as they finished.

_We go to see a red truck with ,unknown to John, moving items in it. The sign says welcome to Amity Park where Danny Phantom/Fenton Lives/afterlives!_

"I don't afterlive," deadpanned Danny, "I just _live._ Why do people think I'm half-dead?"

"Might be something to do with the ghost half," noted Sam.

_John:(spots forest) hey you mind if I go for a walk in the woods?_

_John's mom: no of course not dear!_

"I mean, come on – all sane mothers would just let their kids walk into this big random forest," said Sam, imitating the mother, "It's just what moms do."

_John goes into the woods of Amity Park and changes into Wolf form to hunt the infamous white deer of the area!_

"What did the deer ever do to him?" demanded Sam.

"Maybe they stole his precious Mountain Dew," shrugged Danny.

_Dani shoots the wolf and then she suddenly sees it change back into a boy her age and her him saw owww!_

"Anyone have any idea what that sentence meant?" I asked.

"Nope," replied Danny.

"Nu-uh," shrugged Tucker.

"Who cares?" demanded Sam.

_John: Umm yeah. What a minute are you a halfa?_

_Dani: yeah I guess._

_John: well you're suprisingly pretty compared to the ones I've seen like Vlad Masters!_

"There's always Vlad, isn't there?" sighed Danny.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Danny Phantom 'cause I don't think Butch Hartmann is some 14 year old boy with the soul of an animal but trust me if I did own it John would be on it and it would have never ended!_

"I don't think Butch Hartman had a choice about when it ended," Danny pointed out.

"Nor do I think you have an animal soul," added Sam.

_Dani Giggled and told John everything about her and the warm feeling close to her ghost sense when he was around her._

_John: hahaha a were sense!_

"Tucker, do the honours," sighed Danny.

Tucker played a tape recording.

"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

_John: You're right you don't but Dani I suggest you should go ghost mostly because things are about to get furry._

"No! I don't wanna visit Fur Affinity! You can't make me!" panicked Danny.

"I think that's supposed to be a catch phrase," I mused.

_Now we switch to paragraph format because of a suggestion from JuneLuxray!_

"Everybody, give a great round of applause for JuneLuxray!" I offered.

"Yay," Sam, Tucker and Danny chorused, unenthusiastically.

_"Isn't obvious John. I have been watching you For Years to mold you into you'r true self for I am you'r brother, James!"_

_"No impossible my Brother died at birth!" John says with sadness in his voice._

"What a twist!" yelled Danny.

_"I was taken in by a Black and Red wolf he raised me. Taught me of my abillities and when I turned 18 he fused into me, we became Forte and we went on with our mission!"_

"…and that mission is?" asked Sam.

"Exist, I guess," shrugged Danny.

_" To make Sure you become him he and Now I are you'r true self which you Should have been born as. But the medling fool you called you'r Grandfather and that self righteous pack!"_

"Wait…but isn't his guy _his_ grandfather as well?" mused Sam.

"Damn you, grandpa!" yelled Tucker, "Damn you!"

_He then Howls which sends him a mile down the road to where Dani is she sees him._

_He lets down the shield and suddenly he faints and afterword so does Dani._

"Yep, this is the start of a beautiful friendship," I sighed.

_Dani stumbles up i n a very wooded area unlike any other she had seen . She was definetly not in Amity Park anymore._

"She sees a sign…'Welcome to Kansas'," grinned Sam.

_Then she started to hear a whole bunch of other John voices_

_"I am happy to see you" "Why am I alive!" "Why am I here?" " Why are you here?"_

_and unexpectedly a John voice spurts " mmmmmmm Mountain Dew"_

I growled, before taking another long sip of my Coca-Cola.

_"Grandfather I miss you and Dani you are within my mind!"_

"I _knew_ this sounded trippy!" Danny noted.

_Then Suddenly John's Strongest memory appeared before her it was of his Grandfathers death but first it flashed all his grandfather had taught him and then it shows his Grandfather's head being bit off by Forte!_

"OM NOM NOM," blurted Danny.

"Wow, family friendly," sighed Tucker.

"I want pictures," grinned Sam.

_"John I am here for you no matter what. We've only just meet but I think it's obvious I already deeply care for you. I think I might be in love with you!" Dani says passionetly._

"Can you feel the love tonight?" I sang, "No wait that's juuust bee stiiiiings!"

"It's all making…me raaaash up horribly," continued Danny.

"…and I just wanna huuuuuurl!" finished Sam.

_All of a sudden the whole scenery warps away revealing 4 different wolves that fuse back together into John's tall brown haired and eyed human form in his usual attire of a camo shirt, green jeans and a black trench coat._

"By all your powers combined!" yelled Sam in a deep voice, "I am Captain Wolfguy!"

_"I am in love with you as well." The now whole John says._

_They kiss tenderly._

"Wow, that's got have been less then twenty minutes," nodded Danny, looking at his watch, "New record!"

_"Dani Thank God you are alive!" Says Jack. Jack then notices the still in wolf form John stirring. "But I don't think he will be alive much Longer!" He aims his ecto gun at John getting ready to Fire. "No! Dad! Stop!" Dani Screams._

"NEEEIIIN!" I yelled.

"I don't think dad would kill a wolf for the sake of killing it," mused Danny, "For a start, Sam wouldn't let him."

"Darn straight," nodded Sam.

_"Why Dani it's just an animal" Jack said innocently. Then jack saw something that had astonished his he saw the animal he almost shot morph into a boy Dani's age. Then as Jack stuttered "I don't believe this!" John politely stated "You know something animals have feelings too, and technically a human being a ghost or a halfa are animals too!"_

"Werewolves are people too," considered Tucker, chuckling, "Oh, those werewolves!"

_John's mom suddenly interrupted saying "John I am so sorry about all those experiments we ran on you in wolf form with out consent!"_

_"I forgive you guys!"_

"This sounds familiar," deadpanned Danny.

_"Huh that voice it could only be…. Jack is that you!"_

_"Huh. I have been here the whole time?" Says Jack Fenton_

_"Not you Mr. Fenton but my friend from my pack Jack Mallette!"_

_(A/n from now on we will call him Jack M.)_

"Right…he's Jack _M_.," nodded Sam, dryly, "That makes perfect sense."

_Jack M. Responded with "I knew he was part you so I distracted him with Mountain Dew and I drove as fast as I could to warn you but I see you already know! But sadly he got my parents."\_

"Stop product placing!" I demanded, before taking a long sip of my Coca-Cola. Sadly, it was empty by this point.

_"Promise me one thing you will kill him!"_

_"I can't I just can't."_

_"Then I will have to good bye John!" Jack M. converted into a Snow white wolf and ran off into the woods._

_"As for us!" John started "We need a plan to stop Forte that does not involve death."_

"…and that's as much as we've got, thus far," I nodded, "Any thoughts, guys?"

"It's an affront to the English language," replied Sam, glaring.

"Oh, I don't know," mused Tucker, "I mean, it's not exactly Shakespeare…"

"It might be," I cut in, "William Shakespeare couldn't spell to save his life."

"…but it is his first work," finished Tucker, "We should cut him some slack."

"Yeah," nodded Danny, "I guess you're right…but then again, we are supposed to be critics, aren't we?"

"I'd prefer to be called a resident mocker," I noted.

There was a sudden knock on the door.

"I'll get it," I nodded, getting up.

I walked to the door, and opened it. Danny, Sam and Tucker continued to look at the computer screen.

There was a growling noise, followed by a high-pitched scream.

Then there was a long silence.

"He got mauled by a wolf, didn't he?" asked Tucker.

"Yep," nodded Sam.

"Yeah, too bad he didn't have a Mountain Dew," shrugged Danny.

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'John in Amity' by Predwolf**

_Danny Fenton: 4/10._

_Tucker Foley: 6/10._

_Sam Manson: 2/10._

_E350: 5/10._

_Total: 17/40_


	3. Super Awesome Parodies! A Double Feature

Right, here's the third review. I decided to do two at once. Lesson learnt: I'm never doing that again. Sorry for lower quality (IMO).

Review replies;

**TrixieStixs:** Rightho, I reviewed it. Hope you like it! :D

**Clockwork Orange King:** I considered it, I have a reply below. Thanks for reviewing!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Not a problem! Thanks for the review!

**Cartooniac55:** Well, I hope you like this one. :) Thanks for reading!

**Movie-Brat:** Done and done. XD. Thanks for the reply!

* * *

**Review Three – Super Awesome Parodies! [A Double Feature]  
- 'The League of Super Awesome Teenagers' and 'Toontasia'**

Chaps and chapettes! We return to our glorious job of reviewing the dirty masses of the British Empire!

No, I didn't really get that either.

This time, I found myself in a dilemma, as I had been presented with many suggestions. I proceeded to go through them by process of elimination.

Arthur Goes Forth was removed first, as I haven't watch that show since I was ten. It's a long story involving me being a massive and easily offended Rugrats fanatic who couldn't fathom the concept of 'parody' – yes, I was a complete tool when I was ten.

The works of Sponge&Spongegirl were next, as I decided to give those a…_standing ovation_ when I could stomach the cruelty to the common quotation mark going on down there.

That left two remaining fics – TrixieStixs'…zzzzzz…err…_his_ fanfic, 'The League of Super Awesome Teenagers', and JusSonic's 'Toontasia'. Rather then choose between them, I decided to do them both at once.

Again, I apologise in advance for any offence.

Let us colonize the reading room!

* * *

"Welcome to the reading room," I nodded, "Today's tribunal of terror sees the return of our veterans, Danny Fenton and Sam Manson, and a guest star, Mr. Timothy Tiberius Turner!"

"Yaaaaay," murmured Danny and Sam, unenthusiastically.

"Well, since you're new," I mused, turning to Timmy, "I've decided to start with the original fic. Given the last parody we reviewed…"

Danny shuddered.

"…anyway, let us begin with the League of Super Awesome Teenagers."

I clicked on the link, opening the story.

_It was the day before Timmy Turner's eighteenth birthday, it started off as a relatively normal day, despite the fact that Timmy and his fairy godparents were heartbroken because, they all knew it was the final day together as a family. So, they decided to make the most of their last day together._

"Well, this story doesn't beat around the bush," noted Timmy, "So, I'm eighteen in this?"

"I guess that's why it's called Super Awesome _Teenagers_," nodded Danny.

"Still trying to work out the reason for the _Super Awesome_ bit though," mused Sam.

"Hey!" snapped Timmy.

_"I'm going to miss you guys…you know if there was anything I could do to keep you guys, I would." Timmy said with his eyes closing, trying not to fall asleep on their last day together._

_"Oh, we're going to miss you too, sport," Wanda said, holding Poof, who looked like a toddler now in his purple overalls._

_As Timmy drifted off to sleep, he hoped that this night wouldn't be the last that he would see and remember his godparents._

"…and that brings Cosmo's speaking lines so far to a grand total of zero," said Timmy.

_Timmy awoke the next morning, but something was off. Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof where gone,_

"Where gone?" mused Sam.

"Evidently gone is a place," I considered, "I think I went there once…"

_"Did Jorgen forget to erase my memory" thought Timmy as he looked around his room that looked the same except for the fact that his fishbowl was empty. But, not a second after he finished his thought, Jorgen Von Strangle "poofed" into his room._

"_TIMMY DO YOU WANT A COOKIE!_" shouted Danny, doing his best impression of Jorgen as he yelled in Timmy's ear.

Timmy screamed.

_"The world is in danger and the only one that can stop it is you…again!"_

"It is as we all feared, tiny Timmy Turner," Danny growled, continuing his Jorgen impression, "We are being invaded…by teletubbies."

There was a collective gasp around the table.

_As soon as Jorgen finished talking, they poofed to a place that looked a lot like a hospital._

_"Where are we?" asked the confused Timmy._

_"A place where fairies can't use magic," answered Jorgen._

"How did he poof there, then?" asked Sam.

_"Because, it's the only safe place from them!" Jorgen said in an unusual frightened voice._

_"Who?" Asked Timmy, still uncertain about the situation._

_"The thirteen evil fairy human hybrids." Jorgen said almost whispering as if they could hear him._

"Thirteen evil hybrids, eh?" pondered Timmy, "Why is it always thirteen?"

"Buggery if I know," I shrugged.

_"And they took Cosmo and Wanda because they locked them away before they where your Godparents."_

"I dunno, where are they?" asked Timmy.

Danny sighed, and pressed the tape recorder.

"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

_"This is going to be tougher then I thought," Timmy said to himself, "I'm going to have to form a team."_

"Maybe he should call the A-Team," wondered Sam.

_Timmy then saw Swizzle and Irving and thought that Molly and Dwight would be perfect addition to the team since they know about the magical world as well as being good friends._

"Yep, they were just chilling out there," nodded Sam, dryly, "What a coincidence."

_"A.J and Chester are sure to say yes," Timmy thought to himself, "it can be our final adventure together."_

_Just as soon as he finished his thought, Swizzle and Irving poofed up with Molly and Dwight at their sides._

"_TIMMY DO YOU WANNA CATCH A MOVIE?"_ yelled Sam, doing her best Molly impression as she shouted in Timmy's ear.

Timmy screamed.

_"Happy birthday, loser!" Molly said, as she playfully punched Timmy in the arm._

_"Thanks, glad to see you too, Molly," Timmy said, as he rubbed the part of his arm that Molly hit._

"Punching is fun!" I exclaimed.

Sam punched Danny, causing a squirm from the latter.

"You're right, it is!" she grinned.

_They even went out for a year or two._

"Don't you just hate it when the ex turns up?" sighed Sam.

_'Maybe this time I'll be the hero,' Dwight thought to himself, 'and Molly will fall for me like she fell for Timmy.'_

"Well, that settles it," decided Timmy, "Dwight is statistically most likely to betray us all before the story is over."

_Timmy looked over at the two teens, "Oh Molly and Dwight? Yah their from out of town, I met them at the, ugh, on the, umm…Internet!"_

_"Well that not the strangest thing you've done over the Internet," A.J told the teen, not pressing the issue._

"Better watch it, Timmy," shot Danny, "AJ's getting genre savvy!"

"Y'know," mused Timmy, "I actually don't hate this."

"Yeah, I'm scraping bottom barrel for humour here, I must admit," I nodded, "That's a pretty good sign. I think we can swap fics at this point."

I closed Super Awesome Teenagers (feeling a little sad as I dreaded what might come next) and prepared to open Toontasia.

"Toontasia?" grimaced Timmy, "How the heck to you parody something with _no words?_"

"We'll see, Timmy," replied Danny, grimly, "We'll see."

I opened the fic.

_Author's note  
Folks, I'm about to do what many consider to be impossible but I am going to make possible anyway. I am doing a fanmake of the Disney movie __Fantasia__. For though who don't know what the movie is, it is a classic one where music plays while you watch segments of cartoons. I strongly recommend that you listen to each track to help with the inspiration. Thank you and enjoy._

"A…fanmake?" mused Sam, "Is _that_ what they're calling it these days?"

"…and he's trying to ask us to listen to the original music while we do this," I added, "Well, I don't have any of that, so…let's make our own!"

"No," everybody else snapped.

_A curtain opens up as we hear intermission music. _

I immediately began to hum the theme to 'The Price is Right.'

_People are walking to their chairs, holding his or her own instruments to start what is going to be an orchestra concert. On the stage, the orchestra members are preparing themselves, with violinists practicing their fiddles, flute players their flutes, clarinet players their clarinets and so on and so forth._

"Do drummers practice their drums?" asked Danny, "Do harp players practice the harp? Are the brass blowing their horns?"

"I should hope not!" I exclaimed.

_Soon the players stop as someone approach and came on the stage. He is wearing glasses, has brown hair, and has a stern look on his face._

My jaw dropped.

"By the good name of Winston S. Churchill," I gasped, "_JusSonic is MY DOUBLE!_"

"Dude," reminded Danny, "There are plenty of people with glasses and brown hair, and your facial expression is anything _but_ stern."

"Hey, I take pride in my collected persona!" I snapped.

Danny and Sam glanced at each other.

"Riiiight," they chorused at last.

_JusSonic turns to the camera and said, "Hello everyone, my name is JusSonic and it is a great honor to welcome you, on the behalf of my friends, the artists, musicians and everyone I ever work who combine their talents to make this creation and form of entertainment which we called 'Toonasia'._

"Yeah, give a hand to Microsoft Word, everyone!" cheered Timmy.

_"After the music will suggest other things to help yuour imagination further, like masses of colors, cloud forms, great landscapes, vague shadows, or a lot of objects floating in space."_

"Bah!" I scoffed, "All we need to imagine those is to go to the Joint."

"You mean that bakery down the street?" asked Danny.

"Yes," nodded Sam, "The _bakery_. And all that white powder that goes into the _bakery_."

"Wait, the bakery's a…" began Danny.

"What're you talking about?" asked Timmy, confused.

"We'll tell you when you're older," grinned Sam.

_JusSonic heads to the stand holding a baton and held out his hands to prepare a bit. After a bit of a pause, the conductor begins motioning to cause a piece of music to be played. We see colors below changing on the background on the left then the right and center. The author signal each person to play as the background itself turn to a pink color. The segment has begun._

_Next, JusSonic turned to each flute player, making sure to signal each one to play carefully through the different colors. Now he turn to the violins and soon all became black, minus the lights at the bottom itself._

_As the segment goes on, the violin players play on going through the notes as did the bass violin kind. The harp player plays so beautiful before the brass players play with the big drum one. The one playing the harp continues playing with each instrument playing on. If you folks have the music on right now, each note is wonderful to every ear, as well as JusSonic the conductor._

_Now the drums glow while each one is played as the harp kept on playing before more of the drums commence. The violinists play beautifully wonderfully, you gotta trust me on this one._

_Okay, each player play their very best as they each glow including their instruments. JusSonic signal each player while he is being absorbed by the red background._

_The music continues on as we the audience now see images of beautiful clouds with lightning flashing. Lines appear that suppose to represent the strings of the violin._

_Now violin strands of each kind appear in the sky before it turned to a different color, the strands themselves head downward and around the clouds. Now we see the strings of the violin going around before seeing more of the strands._

_All right then, lines move around in the sky as the strings move upward until we see the night time at last._

_The camera goes through the darkness as small lights appear rapidly. Now we see lines and violin strings from out of nowhere._

_After a moment of the lines, dots and strings, a lot of different colors in circle appear, floating around the area beautifully and wonderfully. Yeah, it's hard to do this without dialogue but what do you expect, folks?_

_Next, the strand come down as each one appears before bending downward. We see the strings going up some hills of some sort before coming down. Now a few of the mentioned strings shot up and around so great._

_Back at the sky, something spiral up and around, leaving beautiful misty lines in their wake. The lines continue going all over and around the sky before disappearing. Now more lines appear, also leaving misty lines after disappearing. Incredible._

_Now some water and mist come out as the small line clouds passed by before we see the lines from before. After that, two gold lines collide with another as the white light glow and go downward._

_Day eventually came as the hills move rapidly, the camera going through each one before going back to the sky. We now see what is supposed to look like mountains one could see through._

_Now more of the mountain-like lines that you could see appear before lights shoot upward in the dark sky. The action cut to where blackness used to be as a lot of glowing dots fell downward. Soon all went black for a few moments before it open up and reveal the sky a few times until it's black once more._

_We now see something going through a light tunnel, some sort of wobbling like thing before all is black again. Next a small shining light appear and then more of it appear, brightening everything up!_

_Now we return to the sky as lights are lightning up the sky as they go one direction. Soon the clouds appear with sun shining behind it before some mist came through them._

_Soon the program returns to reality as JusSonic motions the mist on his stand as the picture of the sun setting appears. Once it's done, the conductor motions the music's final piece before he put his hands and baton down. The segment and music is now over as we fade to black._

There was a short pause.

"What the _hell_ did I just read?" Sam demanded at last.

_Tchaikovsky has this great work that he hated called 'the Nutcracker Suite', which is ironic as well because it is the most popular thing he ever wrote._

"What about the 1812 Overture?" I mused.

_A lot of lights glow as did the creatures who live there. They touch each flower to wake them up or sparkle. One of the creatures land near a flower. She had green hair, blue eyes, and unblossomed flowers for ins on her hair. She wore a lovely green dress, white tights, and green slip on shoes. She was known only as Cosmo the Seedrian._

"OK, this is the female Cosmo from Sonic, right?" Timmy mused, "Because if it isn't, I am officially grossed out."

_It's another one of those times, probably. Meanwhile down below, the magic came down on some weird mushroom like things._

"'Shrooms?" exclaimed Danny, "Well that explains a lot!"

Sam, Danny and I laughed, but Timmy simply looked confused.

_We now go to the woods of the Green Planet as the 'Waltz of the Flowers' begin. Cosmo and her family are at it once more as they start to awake while yawning. Time for them to get to the next task at hand._

"Right everyone," exclaimed Sam, "Today we are going to buy a plasma TV."

"Yay!" cheered Danny and Timmy, their tones deliberately high pitched.

_In this story that goes back about 2,000 years, it involves a legend about a great wizard who got an apprentice._

"I find the history behind this rather suspect," I considered.

_He is a fourteen-year-old boy with messy dark brown hair, round glasses, green eyes, a red and black shirt, black pants, black shoes, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead. His name was Harry Potter, Dumbledore's apprentice._

"What a surprise," deadpanned Danny.

_"Science, not art, wrote the scenario of this picture. According to it, single-celled organisms were the first living things here, tiny little white or green blobs of nothing that lived under the water. Then as years go by, the oceans soon got themselves a lot of marine creatures. A billion years later, certain fish, different than the others, got onto land and became the first amphibians._

_"Now we cut to several hundred million years later as nature begin another task and produce the Heartless. They are called that because they don't have any hearts at all, definitely monsters. Heartless are made in various shapes and sizes, from little Shadows the size of an imp to hundred-ton nightmares!_

_"Heartless aren't bright and have no emotions, so don't expect them to Einsteins. They can either live in the air, water and on land. There are Heartless who eat planets like vegetarians, make them easy to get along with sort of. But with the innocents come the bullies and gangsters. One of them is the most worst of them all the Darkside, the most meanest killer that the planet has ever seen back then. Now the Heartless rule over creation for about 200 million years. After that...well, not even we know how it happened._

_"According to scientists, great droughts and earthquakes occurred that turn the planet into one giant dustbowl, but there are other theories. Wherever happened, it caused the Heartless to be destroyed which is where our story ends. How it begins is at a time infinitely far back when life doesn't exist on Earth at all, nothing but clouds of steam, boiling seas and big huge volcanoes._

There was a short silence while I clenched my fists.

"Uh…you OK?" asked Timmy.

"This. Is. Not. Correct," I snarled.

I closed the window in a fit of rage.

"Alright, rating time," I growled.

"So, what's the bottom line here?" asked Danny.

"Super Awesome was good, Toontasia was weird," shrugged Timmy.

"I'll have to agree with him," nodded Danny, "But I don't know, at least Toontasia is a bit more original then other parodies…"

"Super Awesome had typos and the title was a lie," snapped Sam, dodging a glare from Timmy, "Toontasia was just…bizarre."

There was a sudden knock on the door.

"I'll get it," I nodded, getting up.

I walked to the door, and opened it.

Danny, Sam and Timmy winced as I was punched in the face by Walt Disney.

"That's what you get for calling my idea cracky!" he snapped.

"See," chuckled Sam, "Punching is fun."

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS!" shouted Timmy, doing his best Porky Pig impression as he yelled in Danny and Sam's ears.

Danny and Sam screamed.

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'The League of Super Awesome Teenagers' by TrixieStixs**

_Danny Fenton: 7/10._

_Timmy Turner: 8/10._

_Sam Manson: 6/10._

_E350: 9/10._

_Total: 30/40._

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'Toontasia' by JusSonic**

_Danny Fenton: 5/10._

_Timmy Turner: 5/10._

_Sam Manson: 3/10._

_E350: 6/10._

_Total: 19/40._


	4. SpongeNSpongegirl: Hell Has Bad Grammar

Two things about this one - it's my longest review so far, and it's probably my cruelest as well. Apologies in advance to SpongeNSpongegirl.

Now, review replies;

**TweenisodeOrange:** Me too. I mean, it's a freaking musical! Anyway, glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading!

**Movie-Brat:** I got them. Consider them on my consideration list. Thanks for reviewing!

**Cartooniac55: **Glad you liked it! I hope you like this one...D. Thanks for the review!  
**

* * *

Review Four: The Complete Works of SpongeNSpongegirl - Hell Has Bad Grammar  
**

I'm going to ask my readers to take a trip down memory lane.

Remember when you were in kindergarten, when all was nice and happy and the Russians had nukes aimed at your backyards? Yeah?

Well, do you remember the day when your teacher told you about this wonderful tool of literature known as the **quotation mark**? When she told you to use these **quotation marks** to denote when a character started and stopped speaking?

You do?

Good.

Evidently, somebody fell asleep during that message, not only averting the primary rule of the time (TEH REDZ W1LL STR1KE UZ 1N R SLEEPZ!), but also missing out on this most vital of lessons. Therefore, this person never learnt to use **quotation marks**.

Now, from looking at her mercifully short profile, I find I can skip the first two stories – a script format fic that hilariously manages to remove every instance of Mr. Krabs' name, and a second one with the same problem which is pretty much a mesh of the Movie and the superhero episode.

Well, I guess that second idea will never be credible again. I'm sad now.

Then we get up to her third fic – 'The New Girl' – and that's where it all begins…

P.S.: I know none of you went to kindergarten at the height of the Cold War. I was joking.

* * *

"Welcome back, people of the internet," I greeted, "Anyway, Danny, Sam and Tucker are in hiding in Puerto Rico right now, so I hereby introduce our guest reviewers – Spongebob Squarepants, Squidward Tentacles and Sandy Cheeks!"

Crickets chirped. If I expected applause, I was disappointed.

"Look, I'm only here because Krabs forced me," deadpanned Squidward, "Can we get this over with so I can go home?"

I nodded, and opened the first fic – The New Girl.

There was a short pause.

"My eyes," I whimpered at last, "They bleed."

A small red drop fell from my left eye.

_It was a peaceful evening in Bikini Bottom. The Krusty Krab was full of customers and of course Spongebob was busy making Krabby Patties. Then something unexpected happened. The Krusty Krab got a new customer. She knows a lot about the Krusty Krab. Everyone seen her come in except for , Squidward, and Spongebob who were all busy doing something_

"Why did it blank out Mr. Krabs' name?" asked Spongebob.

_Hurry up Spongebob and finish those dishes. We have customers waiting._

_Spongebob Ok sir I'm almost done._

_Squidward Hey have you ever seen this customer before because I haven't._

_No I haven't seen her before either._

"Can someone tell me who the heck is supposed to be talking?" demanded Sandy.

"I'd love to, but haven't the foggiest," I shrugged.

_Hi I'm Sarah. I'm new here. I haven't been here before but I know a lot about the Krusty Krab._

"Here comes Mary Sue, here comes Mary Sue, right down Mary Sue Laaaane," I began to sing.

"Please stop that," deadpanned Squidward, "_He'll _start doing it."

He pointed to Spongebob, who looked ready to sing.

_I'm and this is Squidward. Spongebob is in the kitchen cooking Krabby Patties._

"Nice to meet you And! I'm Spongebob!" grinned Spongebob.

_Yeah why else. So Sarah what were you going to say?_

_I really like one of your employees._

_Really who?_

_Um… Who did you say cooks?_

_Oh that's Spongebob._

I gave Squidward an apologetic look, before breaking into song again.

"Can you feel the creep tonight?" I sang, "You sound like a staaaalkeeeeer!"

"I think ya killed, the quotation marks," continued Sandy.

"And I'm feeling afraaaaaaid!" finished Spongebob.

Squidward groaned.

_Well first things first. I have to become friends with him before I tell him. I'm just scared too. Can I go ahead and introduce myself to him?_

_Oh no need to I'll call him out here and I'll go somewhere else. Spongebob!_

"Oh no! Mr. Krabs is condoning a stalker!" I gasped.

"He'd probably do that in real life if you paid him," shrugged Squidward.

_Ok. Hi I'm Spongebob and you are…_

_I'm Sarah. Um… I'm new in Bikini Bottom and well I really don't have many friends yet so I was wondering if you…_

_Would be your friend. Sure I really don't have many friends either just my friends Patrick and Sandy._

_My friends are Melissa and Jacob._

"Bet that's the last we'll hear of them in this fic," mused Squidward.

"I'm sittin' right next to you, y'know," reminded Sandy.

"How could I forget?" deadpanned Squidward.

"Ooh, five-hundred malnourished Squandy fans just punched the air!" I smirked.

"Wait…I didn't mean it like _that_," snapped Squidward.

_I'd be happy to be your friend but can we talk later. I just finished the dishes and I need to get back to work so doesn't get mad._

_Yeah I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your boss. Bye. She said._

_See ya later. Said Spongebob._

_Well, Well, Well… Looks like Spongebob has a new friend. I think this is the perfect time to steal the formula. Said Plankton._

"Where did Plankton come from?" asked Spongebob.

"How can you even tell with this stuff?" shrugged Sandy.

_Excuse me can I help you? Asked Plankton_

_With what?_

_I heard you like Spongebob._

"O HAI SO I HEARD YOU LIKE SPONGEBOBZ," I said.

There was a long silence.

"I just did another Double Entendre, didn't I?"

Sandy and Squidward nodded.

_Wait a minute I know all about you. You are Plankton and you are always trying to get it. Well forget it. I'm not doing it. I'd rather find out if Spongebob likes me on my own and giving you the formula would certainly not help. Why would I do that anyway? Spongebob loves his job and I can't give you the formula. That would really hurt him. Even if Spongebob doesn't like me we will still be friends. _(Eh?)_ You'll never get the formula. (She walks away and Plankton says)_

_I'll get the Krabby Patty Formula one way or another and you're part of my plan weather you like it or not. (So Plankton starts working on robots for his plan.)_

"Why is it always robots?" sighed Spongebob.

"Since when have you had to deal with robots?" demanded Squidward.

"Well, it depends if you think Battle for Bikini Bottom is canon," I mused.

"Isn't that the one where you kept throwin' me off the Sea Needle?" asked Sandy.

There was a short silence.

"…no."

_Good morning everyone I had the best morning. Today everything went perfect. Spongebob said._

_Who cares? Said Squidward._

_I do._

"Wait? It's morning now?" mused Sandy.

"Maybe she has a time machine," suggested Spongebob.

_Now I have to tell you something._

_Well I'm listening._

_(Then Plankton burst through the door and so everyone stopped what they were doing)._

_Sorry Sarah. Excuse me I have something to take care of._

"Ahl be bahck," I said in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

"That was terrible," snapped Squidward.

_Oh the usual to steal the formula but with a different twist._

_Then Plankton brings in a robot with Gary in a cage_

_Meow (Help.)_

_Don't worry Gary I'll save you._

"I can just _feel _the emotion," deadpanned Squidward.

_Then Plankton had a shrink ray and shrank Spongebob to be smaller than him and put him in a bag. So the bag was really big and Spongebob could not get out. And Sarah saw the whole thing._

"…there is probably enough innuendo in that sentence to flood Belgium," I uttered.

_(Words of the Narrator) So she did what she planned. She got Gary out of the cage before the robot exploded. All the customers ran out of the restaurant. Gary could understand Sarah and Sarah could understand Gary. Gary went to get help from Sandy and so Plankton was busy dodging robot pieces and then started putting them back together. Sarah's friend was also a scientist like Sandy but was not as successful._

_Melissa you have to help me. My friend is in trouble. By any chance do you have a device that can cause people to return back to normal size? Asked Sarah._

_No sorry I don't Sarah. You better go see someone else for that. Or you should try to solve the problem yourself. I really can't do anything to help you._

_Meow (Sandy you have to help Spongebob.)_

_Woah! Calm down Gary. What's going on?_

_Meow (Spongebob is in trouble He's at the Krusty Krab. Plankton trapped him by shrinking him down smaller than he is and now he's stuck in a brown bag.)_

_I'm glad I prepared that device. I knew I would need it for something. Let's go._

"Okay, who the heck is supposed to be speakin'?" demanded Sandy.

"I think it's Sarah…or Melissa…or you…or maybe it's Gary…"

"It's Abraham Lincoln, now keep reading!" scowled Squidward.

_You know what that means Plankton. Said_

_No don't throw me. Ahh…_

"What is this, a doctor's appointment?" snapped Squidward.

_You're welcome but I wasn't the only one that helped you. Your friend Sandy built this to get you back to normal size._

_I'll have to thank her later. She already left. She must have had something really important to do. She told me that she was working on something big._

_Hey what did I miss? Asked Patrick._

"Patrick!" grinned Spongebob, "Err…where did he come from?"

_I'm not sure but while you were gone Plankton told me that you like me. I just didn't know if he was telling the truth but do you like me?_

_He told you…. He's right Spongebob. I liked you from the moment I saw you but I'm sure you don't like me like that. I met you yesterday and it's the truth. I really like you. Plankton was trying to get me to give him the formula but I wouldn't. I knew how much the Krusty Krab meant to you. Either way I told Plankton even if you didn't like me like that we would still be friends. I just have one question. Do you like me? I've got to know._

_(Spongebob thought about Sandy. He really liked her but couldn't tell her that he loved her. So he decided to give Sarah a chance since she was probably the only one that really likes him.)_

"Oh no, she's a Spandy shipper," I sighed, "Damn it, she'll lower our LCD!"

I closed the fic.

"One down, many to go," I sighed, "The next one is 'Late for a Date,' so get ready for a mountain of suckitude…"

"Stop trying to be funny," shot Squidward.

I opened the next story, and shuddered again.

"Oh no," I shuddered, "Now it's _in all BOOOOOOLLLLLD!_"

My facial expression was vaguely similar to 'The Scream'.

_**I love Krabby Patties. I'll be at work all day today Gary but tomorrow we can spend the day together.**_

_**Meow (Ok).**_

_**Well you said you wanted to spend the day together didn't you?**_

_**Meow (Yes).**_

_**Ok then tomorrow we'll spend the day together.**_

"You could've said all that in the one sentence, y'know," reminded Sandy.

_**Hey Spongebob have you seen my new hat? (Patrick's hat said…I live under a rock).**_

_**Cool hat Patrick. You really do live under a rock.**_

"…and the award for unfunniness goes to…" began Squidward.

_**I wanted to talk to you and remind you that we have our first date tomorrow.**_

_**Oh hang on a minute Sarah I just remembered that I was going to spend the day with Gary tomorrow. But we can go on our date at about eight o clock tomorrow.**_

"You could have had a great plot complication right there, but _noooo_," I sighed.

_**Ok work is over with and I think I need to talk to Patrick. I think I need his help.**_

_**With what everything?**_

_**No not everything Squidward just about my first date tomorrow.**_

_**Ha. Spongebob knowing you it will probably be a complete disaster.**_

"You go to Patrick for help and you consult Squidward for friendly advice," noted Sandy, "That ain't gonna end well."

"Are you kidding?" chuckled Spongebob, "I'd trust Patrick and Squidward with anything!"

A scare chord played.

_**Woah no way… your really going to go out with Sandy.**_

_**Yeah that's… what no! Not Sandy. Patrick don't you remember I told you it was with Sarah.**_

_**Really Spongebob. I always thought you liked Sandy.**_

_**No way me and Sandy are just friends. I guess that's all we will ever be. So since me and Sandy are just friends I decided to date Sarah.**_

"Why do I keep repeating myself?" asked Spongebob.

_**Thanks Patrick I feel a little better now that I talked to you. I was so nervous about the date but I'm ready now.**_

_**What! Spongebob you should always be comfortable with who you are dating. I bet you wouldn't be nervous if you were dating Sandy. You hardly know this girl. You've known Sandy for a long time.**_

_**Patrick that's enough. I think I know what I'm doing and besides even if I wanted to date Sandy she would never want to date me back. You know Patrick I'll see you later.**_

"Y'know, crap story has a point here," I mused, "Perhaps a competent author could one day take this plot and run with it."

"Well, that bars you," shot Squidward.

_**Oh no I'm already two minutes late. This is not good. Especially since this is the first date. What will Sarah think?**_

_**I knew I should've waited until tomorrow to finish painting. I completely lost track of time and now I'm late. Spongebob is probably waiting for me.**_

_**Ok I'm here… Sarah?**_

_**Oh He's already here.**_

_**Sorry I'm late Spongebob. **_

_**Oh no I'm sorry I completely lost track of time.**_

_**Oh well that's ok so did I Spongebob.**_

_**Ok well after you. closed the Krusty Krab early but left it open just for us.**_

_**Ok so we'll have the restaurant all to ourselves then.**_

_**Yeah and when the Krusty Krab is not selling Krabby Patties that is usually on dates and so we can order something other than Krabby Patties.**_

_**Cool.**_

_**You look nice tonight Sarah.**_

_**Thanks so do you.**_

_**You know to be honest Sarah I was actually kind of nervous about tonight. This is my first date.**_

_**Oh well don't feel bad Spongebob. I was nervous too. This is also my first date.**_

_**Oh well you didn't have to dress fancy I like you no matter what.**_

_**Thanks Spongebob you too.**_

_**Well I do like to look nice.**_

_**Me too especially if it is for something special.**_

_**Well this date went by faster than I thought. I can't believe it is already over.**_

_**I know time flies when you're having fun. We should do to this more often.**_

_**Yeah I just don't know when. I know I'll have to work all this week. I'm lucky I got today off.**_

_**I know but in your opinion what did you think of the first date Spongebob?**_

_**I thought it was very exciting and I nothing to be nervous about.**_

_**That's what I think.**_

_**I really enjoyed our first date and well I don't have to be nervous anymore.**_

"Well – that's it," I noted, "That's the entire rest of the fic. What an anticlimax."

"You want a climax for _this?_" demanded Squidward.

"Yeah – the climax means I'm nearly finished. But sadly, there is more. A fic entitled 'Sarah or Sandy?'"

"Sounds like a dinner menu," considered Spongebob.

_(Spongebob first talks to Sandy on the phone)_

_Of course I'll come over for karate. I've been bored all day._

_Ok I'll see you later Spongebob._

_(Hangs up the phone and says…)_

_I love Karate. Hi yah! Oh yeah back in action._

"What was the point of that?" demanded Sandy, "They skipped us doin' karate anyway!"

"Probably because that might actually be interesting," sighed Squidward.

_(Spongebob at work)_

_Good morning Spongebob._

_Good morning sir. How are you?_

_I'm fine. Come on now let's get to work shall we._

_Oh yeah I came to work not talk._

_Here come the customers._

_Ahh! I better get into the kitchen._

_Relax boy it's only your girlfriend._

"Who am I talking to?" asked Spongebob.

"I'm going to take a wild stab and say Josef Stalin," I replied.

_Oh I just got done doing Karate with Sandy._

_Oh… So was there anything else that was going on?_

_Well she does make cookies and tea every time I go over there._

_Just out of curiosity… How long have you known her?_

_Oh for a long time why?_

"Oh Neptune," groaned Squidward, "She doesn't think he's…y'know…doing the works?"

"What does that mean?" asked Spongebob, confused.

"Well…it's…well, y'know, making the bacon?" suggested Sandy, "Doing 'it'? Making babies?"

Spongebob blinked.

"Look, she thinks you're having sex," I sighed, heavily, "I'm sorry, there's no other way around it!"

There was a brief silence.

"Oh," nodded Spongebob.

_Well how long have you been going up there?_

_I told you I've been going up there for years._

_No wait a minute Spongebob you didn't exactly tell me years._

_Well I said a long time. What's this about anyway?_

_Nothing I just don't really want you going up there without me knowing about it._

_Wait a minute. Are you jealous of Sandy?_

_No I'm not jealous I just don't want you going up there._

_Oh so you're saying I can't even see my own best friend._

_Oh sure you say that you're friends but how do I know that she's not anything else?_

_Ok I think you are jealous of Sandy. There is nothing going on between me and Sandy._

_Sure like I haven't heard that before._

_Where have you heard it from you said that I was the first guy you've ever dated?_

_My mom had many bad relationships. I guess she was right. Some guys would see other people while they date me._

_Sarah! You're getting all worked up over nothing. I don't like Sandy that way._

_I'm sure that's what they all say. I'm going home. Goodbye Spongebob were through._

_No wait!_

_Forget it Spongebob it's over._

"Yaaaay! Maybe we can stop reading soon!" Spongebob cheered.

All eyes fell on him.

"Whoa," gasped Sandy, at last, "It's really _that_ bad?"

_(Work ends at the same time Sarah leaves. Spongebob goes home crying. The scene changes to Spongebob at home crying and talking to Gary)_

_What did I do wrong? I never even had a girlfriend before and now the first relationship I ever had is over._

_Meow (What happened)?_

"Didn't he just tell you?" groaned Squidward.

_(Then Spongebob is in for the surprise of his life… Sarah calls him)_

_Hello_

_Hi… It's Sarah. Listen I'm sorry about earlier… I was just jealous of Sandy._

_Well part of it was my fault. I should've told you I was going over there._

_Well I wanted to call you for another reason… I don't think it was really working out anyway so I think we should see other people. I can see anyone and I guess you can see anyone you want to even if it is Sandy._

Sandy rolled her eyes and said a word. It rhymed with 'glitch'.

"Sandy!" gasped Spongebob.

"What?" demanded Sandy, "It's true!"

"Yeah, well my chin had stitches once," I snapped, "I doubt they want to be compared to that tremendous pr…"

"Moving on!" exclaimed Spongebob, scrolling down.

_Ok… Can we still be friends?_

_Of course. After all we've been through we'll be friends for life._

"You fought Plankton once and had one date," Squidward pointed out, "Yep…_all you've been through._"

_Dear Sandy,_

_I hope I don't freak you out or anything but there is something I need you to know. I just can't tell you in person because it would surely change everything. Ok Ever since the day we met I always knew there was something special about you. I've had a secret ever since the moment I first saw you. I've wanted to tell you this for a long time. I love you Sandy. I always have ever since the day we first met. For me it was love at first sight. I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same or you liked someone else. I was afraid to tell you so I hope this letter says it all._

_Sincerely, A secret Admirer._

"I never knew you were so poetic," noted Sandy.

"Neither did I!" grinned Spongebob.

_Um… Hi Sandy. What's going on?_

_I think you know exactly what's going on Spongebob. You wrote this letter and thought I wouldn't find out about it._

_I'm sorry Sandy it's just that…_

_Hang on Spongebob I'm not mad._

_You're not._

_No but I just have to know… Did you really mean that in your letter when you said you love me?_

_Of course I did Sandy but I understand if you don't feel the same way._

_I do feel the same way Spongebob I just wished you would have told me._

_I'm sorry but I was just too nervous, and I thought you liked someone else._

_Of course not Spongebob you're the guy I like but I thought since you were dating that girl Sarah that you loved her._

_Well I did date her but I never really loved her the way I loved you and the only reason I dated her was because I thought you would never love me._

_Oh so I guess you broke up with her but that is what I was sort of confused about. I thought you were still dating Sarah when you sent me that letter._

_No Sarah broke up with me and that was the reason I was upset because I thought I lost the only girl that loved me. But now since we told each other how we feel I only have one question… What does that make us now?_

_I'm not sure Spongebob._

_Well anyway I think I know what to do so… Sandy will you go out with me?_

_Sure Spongebob I thought you would never ask._

I sighed heavily.

"Look, if I wanted Spandy, I'd go for a better author – like Cartooniac, or SOLmaster, or that guy who sells beans on the roadside and claims to have assassinated JFK," I lamented.

"Are we done yet?" asked Squidward, boredly.

"Yeah," I nodded, "That's the main meat of her stuff. There's just…oh no."

I gazed at the screen in abject horror.

"What? What is it?" asked Spongebob.

"She wrote a FOP/Spongebob crossover," I replied, horror-struck.

"Are we going to read it?" shuddered Spongebob, looking frightened.

There was a long silence.

"No," I decided, "Instead, I go out unto the world…"

There was a short pause.

"…and assassinate somebody!"

NOT SO FAST!

All eyes turned, fear evident in their very souls. For there, standing at the door and wielding a sword – was SpongeNSpongegirl.

"President Taft?" I breathed, "_You're _SpongeNSpongegirl?"

Yes! yelled Taft, somehow speaking without **quotation marks**, _I_ am SpongeNSpongegirl, alias President William Howard Taft, only President to hold the rank of Chief Justice…

"…and first President to get stuck in the bathtub, yeah," Sandy nodded.

HOW _DARE_ YOU MENTION THAT! shouted Taft, his eyes shining with the fury of a thousand suns, FOR SUCH CRIMES, YOU SHALL…

"_TIME TO PAY YOUR DEVIL'S DUE, TAFT!_"

"Ghost Rider?" mused Squidward.

"Better," smirked Sandy.

The door was kicked open – by President Theodore Roosevelt.

"It's Theodore Roosevelt!" cheered Spongebob.

YOU! gasped Taft, You _ALWAYS_ foil me, TR! But not today!

"Let's take this outside, chump!" snarled Roosevelt.

NYEHAHAHAHAHAHA! laughed Taft, twirling his moustache.

Both former Presidents ran from the room. We could hear them fighting outside.

"Well, there you go," shrugged Sandy, "SpongeNSpongegirl is a dangerously overweight former President."

"…and he called himself SpongeNSpongegirl," nodded Squidward, "_Somebody's_ seen better days."

"I saw it coming," shrugged Spongebob.

**

* * *

Final Verdict of the Works of SpongeNSpongegirl**

_Spongebob Squarepants: 4/10._

_Sandy Cheeks: 3/10._

_Squidward Tentacles: 0/10._

_E350: 2/10._

_Total: 9/40._


	5. Batthan's Hocus Pocus: I'm So Flamed

Well, here's another one. Not one of my best at all, but this one was a horror to write.

**TweenisodeOrange:** Damn it, I knew I forgot something! XD Thanks for reviewing!

**Clockwork Orange King:** Oh believe me...today I found out there was worse. *shudder*. Thanks for the review!

**Cartooniac55:** Thankyou! Personally, I think Squidward's actually pretty hard to write.  
**

* * *

Review Five – 'Batthan's Hocus Pocus' – I Bet I Get Flamed For This**

Ah, parodies. Gotta love 'em. Or hate 'em. It's all depending, really.

Parodies seem to be a bit of a fad in the cartoon crossovers section here on Fanfiction. In fact, here's my analysis of the first page…

Parody (?), original, original, review, parody, parody, original, original, parody, parody, parodies FOE SAYLE (grr…), parody, parody, parody (?), parody, parody, original (?), original (?), parody, parody-review, parody, parody, parody, parody, parody.

Incidentally, I would happily recommend looking at Clockwork's new review fic!

Anyway, the thing that really attracted my attention in looking for something to rip into was Batthan's Hocus Pocus, which is rated as 'Horror'.

O RLY?

I have nothing more to say, really. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the review…

* * *

"What is Hocus Pocus, anyway?" I mused, thoughtfully, "I don't think I'm familiar with it."

Danny, Sam and Tucker (who had been rounded up by spec ops to reappear in these reviews) gave small shrugs.

"According to the wiki, it's a Disney movie," replied Danny, "Apparently it got terrible reviews."

"Revenge of the Fallen got terrible reviews, and I loved that one," I nodded, optimistically, "Anything else?"

"Apparently it has a 'strange virgin concept', quote unquote," added Sam.

There was a short silence.

"O…kay then," I said at last, "Well, may as well get this done with. Mr. Fenton, full power to the internet!"

Danny opened the page, and we were assaulted by a cast list.

_Zachary Binx- Ethan Tidwell (Fellow Author)_

"Who the hell is this guy?" I asked.

_Emily- Angie (Pokemon)_

"Eh…which episode is this person from again?" asked Danny.

"Dunno, I haven't seen the anime since '07," I replied.

_Winifred Sanderson- Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)_

"Why does she keep turning up in these things?" demanded Sam.

"Three words, Sam," grinned Tucker, "Most Common Superpower."

"She can fly?" injected Danny.

"Clueless," deadpanned Sam.

_Sarah Sanderson- Ranamon (Digimon)_

"Hey, Digimon's an anime…and so is Pokemon," snapped Tucker, "Why is this in Cartoon X-Overs?"

_Mary Sanderson- Queen Nehellenia (Sailor Moon)_

"Anime!"

_Max Dennison- Terrence (Fellow Author)_

"Terrence? Who's Terrence?" asked Danny.

"Don't you know?" I blurted, "He's Terrence the Tractor, of course!"

_Dani Dennison- Coraline (same as the movie)_

"I wonder if this guy knows that Coraline was originally a book?" mused Sam.

"Doubt it," sighed Tucker.

_Allison Zenko- Katara (Avatar: The Last Airbender)_

"No comment."

_Billy- Grim (The Grim's Adventure of Billy and Mandy)_

"The Grim's Adventure of…gah! If you're going to write it in, at least get the name right!" scowled Danny.

"Well, here we go, guys," I noted, "Once we press the next chapter button…we can never go back."

"Sure we can," replied Tucker, "There's a back button on the browser."

"Thanks for destroying the tension," I sighed.

I clicked the next chapter button.

_It was a gloomy morning in the woods, until a shadow of a witch flew over the woods. The witch flew over the trees and the water, until she sees the fog, covering the small village. In the house, a well-built 17-year-old boy, named Ethan Tidwell, is sleeping in his bed. Outside, the animals were freaking out because the witch is here. The witch landed and walked past the window. Ethan woke up quickly, panting and looked around, until he calmed down. He looked at the bed, where his little sister, Lilo is, but she's not here._

"Choose a tense and stick with it!" demanded Sam.

"Why has this Ethan guy have Lilo as a little sister?" mused Tucker, "Does he adopt?"

"More like _abduct_," cut in Danny.

_"Angie?" Ethan asked as he got up, "Angie?" Zak is worried that his sister is gone; he ran outside to find her, when he heard someone singing._

"Eh? Did he just spontaneously change a character?" exclaimed Sam.

"And where the shambles did this Zak bloke come from?" I added.

_**Come, little children**_

_**I'll take thee away **_

_**Into a land**_

_**Of enchantment**_

"Is this Michael Jackson?" asked Tucker.

_"Mewtwo." Ethan ran to a humanoid feline. "Mewtwo, hast thou seen my sister, Angie?"_

"Oh, of course, freaking Mewtwo, isn't he just the most approachable sentient in the world," groaned Sam, "Oh, and Geoffrey Chaucer just called – he's filing a lawsuit against your '_ye olde English_.'"

_"Nay." Mewtwo replied, "But look, they conjure." Ethan saw the purple smoke, not too far away, until he heard giggling from Angie, "Oh God, the woods!" Ethan and Mewtwo ran out of the farm and stared at the girl, who is Angie, giggling and following an unknown person, who happens to be a witch._

_"Angie!" Ethan shouted._

_"She's done for!" said Mewtwo._

"What the…what?" demanded Danny, "How the _heck _do they know she's a witch? She could just be a farmer, or a logger…"

"…or Missy Higgins," I finished, "In which case, yes, she _is_ done for."

_"Liar, but I shall be a sprig forever, once I suck the life out of all the children of Toon Town!" said Maleficent._

"Toon Town, right," nodded Sam, "How Medieval."

_"You hag!" Ethan snapped, "There are not enough children in the world to make thee young and beautiful!"_

"Smooth," nodded Danny, dryly.

_Maleficent: **Twist the bones**_

_**And bend the back.**_

_Nehelenia and Ranamon: **Itch-it-a-cop-it-a,**_

_**Mel-a-ka-mys-tic-a.**_

"OK, I'm beginning to see why this movie got bad reviews," decided Sam, "That doesn't sound Medieval!"

"…oh, and look – situational script format," sighed Tucker.

"OK, this next line needs surgery," I informed.

_Suddenly, Ethan cringes in pain, as he began shrink him and transformed, due to the spell._

"_Keine scheiße, Sherlock!"_ I moaned.

_His scream had changed into a little scream._

"Is it a girly scream?" asked Danny, snickering a little.

_The transformation was complete and Ethan had changed into a Mightyena, same eyes and hair._

"Can you say 'wish fulfilment?'" asked Sam.

"Wish fulfilment," all else replied in ustion.

_Ethan looked up and growled at the witches. The witches back away, as Ranamon tried to pet him, but it bitten her hand, as she screamed and giggled._

"What? Is she bipolar or something?" demanded Tucker.

_Suddenly, they heard a knock, when they saw an angry mob, with the torches they're holding._

"Git off mah property!" yelled Tucker, imitating a farmer.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist!" said Maleficent. "We are just three kindly old spinsters ladies!"

"Uh, spending a quiet evening at home!" Nehelenia added, holding the door.

"Sucking the lives out of little children!" Ranamon finished.

"Who the heck is that stupid?" demanded Danny.

"Danny, I know at least three people that stupid," deadpanned Sam.

"Who're they then?" I asked.

There was a short silence.

"Hey!" growled Danny, Tucker and I.

_Later that day, the witches are now standing on the barrels, with nooses around their necks. The people from the village gathered, holding the torches, as a black hedgehog named Shadow the Hedgehog asked Maleficent. "Maleficent…"_

"So…where are the nooses hanging from?" asked Tucker.

"Wouldn't it make more sense to hang witches from gallows?" mused Sam.

"Aw, back in ye olde days, they'd just throw you off a cliff!" I interjected.

_"What hast thou done with my son Ethan?"_

"Just tell him you sent him to work in the silver mines in Cuba," shrugged Danny, "Worked when Lancer asked me where Dash went."

"Ooh, noodle incident!" cheered Tucker.

_"Speak!" Van Helsing yelled._

"Van Helsing? _Van Helsing? Is he __**KIDDING?**__" _demanded Sam.

_Shadow took a one last look, until he saw Ethan rubbing against him, but he didn't know that Mightyena is Ethan._

"Oh my god, he's _humping his father!"_ gasped Tucker, mortified.

"Please, tell me we're finished," groaned Danny.

"Well, we're at the end…" I began.

Danny, Sam and Tucker cheered.

"…of chapter one…of ten," I finished.

There was a short silence.

"OK, let's just write this one off as a bad job," I sighed at last.

"Yeah," nodded Sam, "Some things are bad, some things are so bad they're good, some things are so bad they're horrible, and…this just goes a mile beyond all of those."

"Yeah, can't say I disagree," nodded Danny.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," I sighed.

I walked to the door and opened it.

"_**HOW DARE YOU BLASPHEME BATTHAN?**_"

An irate reader was standing in the door.

"Oh, hello Mister Reader," I nodded, "You must be our bi-reviewal cameo."

"Silence!"

Irate Reader slapped me across the face.

"You shall remove your blasphemous hide from the glorious website, and never return!" bellowed Irate Reader.

"Or what?" asked Sam.

"Or else we shall be very angry at you, you flaming flamer!" yelled Irate Reader.

"Yeah, whatever," sighed Danny, "Get out of here before we call the PMDF."

"The PMDF?" demanded Irate Reader.

"Prime Ministerial Defence Force."

"What? I didn't expect them!"

A wall exploded, and the PMDF barrelled into the room. There were five of them – William Pitt the Younger, Benjamin Disraeli, the Duke of Wellington and David Lloyd George behind, led by a Tommy Gun wielding Winston Churchill.

"Nobody expects the Prime Ministerial Defence Force!" snapped Churchill.

"Gasp!" gasped the Irate Reader, "It's Winston Churchill – and some other guys!"

"Get ready to fight on the beaches," taunted Churchill, taking a puff of his cigar.

The Irate Reader bolted, the PMDF in hot pursuit.

We stared after them, confused.

"I feel like we should be playing the Benny Hill theme," said Danny, at last.

**

* * *

Final Verdict of Batthan's 'Batthan's Hocus Pocus'**

_Danny Fenton: 1/10._

_Tucker Foley: 1/10._

_Sam Manson: 0/10._

_E350: 1/10._

_Total: 3/40_

* * *

Back in the reviewing room, all reviewers turned to face the screen.

"Alright, chums," I grinned, "We're here to present my 'Happy Fluffy Fanfic' contest."

"This is your chance to show the world your writing talents," added Danny, "Everything entered will be looked over by E350, and the top three will be reviewed in a chapter of the Happy Fluffy Reviews."

"Insert optimistic comment here," sighed Sam, unenthusiastically.

"To enter, you must first write a one-shot under the following topic," I continued, "The topic is '**BUT THEN THERE WERE ROBOTS**.' We don't care what you do, as long as it's connected in some way to that sentence."

"Note that you don't actually have to write that in your story," noted Danny.

"The story should be in the Cartoon X-Overs section, and can be of any rating or length you want, as long as it's one chapter," finished Tucker, "A prize isn't known yet, but it'll probably be something to do with fanfic. On behalf of the entire review cabal, I wish all entrants good luck."


	6. Preview for Something Possibly Epic

Not really a review - in fact, it's a preview for one. This will come after the results of the competition (see my profile for details).

Review replies;

**The Shadow Syndicate:** Best of luck, mate!

**TrixieStixs:** Thanks for reading! Good luck with the contest.

**TweenisodeOrange:** I might take a look. I need to review something good anyway. Thanks for reviewing!

**Clockwork Orange King:** Thanks for the review! And no problem with the shout out - us reviewers have to support each other! XD

**Movie-Brat: **I'll keep those in mind. Thanks for reading!

**Cartooniac55: **Well, if it's anything like it's parodies...X(. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked it!

**

* * *

Preview**

My job is to review the world of Fanfiction.

"_My Mary-Sue Sense is tingling."_

"…_there is probably enough innuendo in that sentence to flood Belgium."_

"_Van Helsing? Van Helsing? Is he __**KIDDING?**__"_

I have seen the good and the bad.

Now, I review one of the worst.

"_Oh my god…not that…NOT THAT!" Danny gasped in horror._

It bombed its section.

"_Yeah, I remember the day I read that," nodded Timmy, "It changed my life."_

"_Really?" asked Tucker._

"_No, not really."_

It produced a mocking YouTube video.

"_Can't we just watch the video and be done with it?" asked Squidward._

"_NO! YOU CANNOT!"_

Now, it will be our salvation and our torture.

Now we reach our destiny as reviewers.

…but we can't do it alone.

Que Epic Music.

_City on fire!_

_Epic battle!_

_Timmy buys some prune juice!_

_Danny dies! – no wait, no he doesn't! – in fact he's getting better!_

_More epic battle!_

_Mountain Dew!_

_E350's wearing a redcoat for some reason!_

_Nuclear Explosion!_

_Fade to black!_

It's time to live up to my reviewing name and face…

**FULL LIFE CONSENQUENCES.**

_A Happy Fluffy Review._

_Rated T for Teen._

_Not recommended for people with pacemakers pregnant women or people with no sense of humour._


	7. Full Life Consequences I: Teh Beggining!

And so it begins. A review that actually has a storyline (though a deliberatly silly one.)

Review replies;

**Movie-Brat:** It will...ahem...change your life. :| Thanks for reading!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Do so! The videos are really entertaining, if really, really cracky. Thanks for reviewing!

**Cartooniac55:** I've read this story and I have no idea what to make of it either. :\ Thanks for the review!

**airnaruto45:** It appears, good sir, that the act of saying 'please' might killth you. Nethertheless, thank you for reviewing.  
**

* * *

Review Six – 'Half Life: Full Life Consequences' – Part I: The Nightmare Begins**

It was a bright and sunny morning, and in a non-descript but colourful ice-cream parlour…_evil was afoot._

There were five around the comically undersized table. Walt Disney tugged at his collar as he glanced nervously at William Howard Taft's (alias SpongeNSpongegirl) writing pad, shuddering as his eyes followed the scrawling. The Irate Reader of Batthan's was giving nervous glances at a wolf devouring a pile of Mountain Dew cans.

Essentially, everyone of the weird people who had a habit of turning up at the end of these reviews and yelling at me was conspiring right now. And leading them was my arch nemesis.

Well, actually, he wasn't my arch nemesis. In fact, we'd hardly ever spoken. But he was evil, I can assure you.

The Tsar Alexander III, by Grace of God, Emperor and autocrat of all the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Chersoneses, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Livonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samotiga, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Sovereign of Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislavl, and all northern territories; Sovereign of Iveria, Kartalinia, and the Kabardinian lands and Armenian territories – hereditary Lord and Ruler of the Circassians and Mountain Princes and others; Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg, and so forth, and so forth, and so forth banged his fist on the table.

"They have not suffered enough!" he snapped.

His companions agreed, giving sinister nods.

"I have mailed them a torture that will destroy their reality!" continued the Tsar Alexander the III, by Grace of – oh Christ, we'll just call him the Tsar.

An evil grin crossed his face.

"Let's see him face the fury…of _Full Life Consequences!_"

* * *

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_'

Danny, Sam and Tucker exchanged confused glances as I screamed to the heavens.

"What're we reviewing today?" asked Sam, confused and vaguely anxious.

I paused, shuddering.

"Half Life: Full Life Consequences," I shuddered.

"_Oh my god…not that…NOT THAT!_" cried Danny.

Then he thought for a second.

"Wait, what?" he asked.

"Well, do you know anything about Half Life?" I asked.

"No," replied Danny.

"Good," I replied, "Because this story has nearly nothing to do with its canon."

I shuddered again.

"Right chaps…lets do this."

"Oh, come on," grinned Tucker, "It can't be that bad…"

_John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer._

"Wow," gasped Tucker, "I don't know why, but that sentence really scares me."

"Your subconscious is telling you what you're getting in to," nodded Sam.

_He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went._

"Wow – the dramatic tension is killing me," deadpanned Danny.

"Aliens and Monsters?" mused Tucker, "Didn't they make a movie about that?"

"Yes, and I would much rather be watching it right now," sighed Sam.

"Sam, that's product placement," I reprimanded, before taking a long sip of my Coca-Cola.

_John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform_

Tucker snickered.

"What's so funny?" asked Danny.

"He _wet_ on the platform," chuckled Tucker.

Sam sighed.

"Yeah, that's _really_ mature."

_to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle_

"Who leaves a _motorbike_ on the freaking _roof?_" demanded Danny, "Explain, fanfic, ex-"

"Shhh, d'you want us to get sued?" snapped Sam.

_and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat._

"Yeah, my dad wears a lab coat to work _all_ _the time,"_ sighed Tucker.

_John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go._

Sam let out a fake sniffle.

"That was such an uplifting and dramatic speech," she fake-cried.

_John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed._

"…and got blood all over the pavement, the scamp," I grinned.

_He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon._

"Zombies? I thought we were fighting aliens and monsters?" demanded Tucker.

"You are using logic, Tucker," reminded Sam, "That's very bad."

_The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky._

There was a long silence, before Sam uttered a simple phrase.

"Wut."

_the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys"._

"This man has the oratory talent of Napoleon, Churchill, Roosevelt and Orson Wells combined," I sighed.

_John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs._

"…because only possessed police officers pull you over for speeding," nodded Danny, sarcastically.

"That explains all the unpaid speeding tickets in Planktopolis," added Tucker.

_"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said_

_"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman._

"…and another thing," snapped Danny, "Why's he always called 'John Freeman?' Can't they just call him 'John?'"

_"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head_

"_But he didn't have weapon!"_ boomed Danny.

He paused, a dawning look of horror as he realised what he said.

"This story_ is infecting MY MIND!"_ he cried.

_and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster._

_John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again._

"Uhh…how much longer?" groaned Sam.

"We're about half done," I replied.

Sam groaned.

_John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman._

"Where else would they be?" demanded Danny, "_Behind _him? _Above_ him? On _Mars_, maybe?"

_John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house._

"Who just leaves a gun lying on the ground?" demanded Sam.

"FPS level designers," shrugged Tucker.

"Quiet, I wanna see what happens to the Zombie Goats," shushed Danny.

"Don't you mean Zombie Ghosts?" I asked.

"No. It's physically impossible to be dead twice."

_John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece._

"Behold, our sympathetic protagonist," I sighed.

_Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead_

"NO!" I shouted, "NOT THE PANTS!"

"All those wonderful pants!" added Danny, in mock horror.

"_WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!_" cried Tucker, reaching to the sky in anguish.

_and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs._

_When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss_

"The _final boss?_" demanded Sam, "_Seriously?_"

"Well," shrugged Tucker, "You can't say it's not faithful to the source material."

"Well…not there," agreed Danny.

_and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!"_

"He calls _his own brother_ 'John Freeman?'" exclaimed Danny, "Is that…aw, never mind."

_so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see._

_Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell._

"…and there was much rejoicing," nodded Tucker.

"Yay," we all said, unenthusiastically.

_John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed._

_The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky._

"As opposed to the bottom of the sky," I sighed.

_Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out._

"Quick, John Freeman!" boomed Danny, "Mosey for your life!"

_John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss_

"But wasn't that the final boss?" asked Danny, confused.

"Yeah, that happens a lot in games," I replied.

_and he was mad and angry._

"What?" I snapped, "But they both mean the same thing!"

"**THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AGAINST ALL CREATION!"**

"What was that?" asked Danny, as the lights started flickering and the room shook violently.

"Um…I think that line just annoyed a dark God," replied Sam.

"_Just _that line?" snapped Tucker.

_"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs._

There was one final violent shake, and I was thrown onto my back. Everything went dark.

* * *

When I woke up, I was alone in the reviewing room. On the walls, written in blood (well, actually, I later found out it was tomato sauce, but yeah), was a simple statement.

**I HAVE TAKEN YOUR FRIENDS.**

**YOU MAY SAVE THEM IF YOU CAN YOU DO…WHAT HAS TOBE DONE.**

Climbing to my feet, I glanced at the screen. I then grabbed my telephone.

"Bring it on," I growled, glancing at the last words on screen.

_to be continued..?

* * *

_I have a feeling Danny, Sam and Tucker aren't in Kansas anymore_._

...not that they ever were, but yeah._  
_


	8. ' II: To Do What Has To Be Done By Me

Nothing much to say, except I was not on drugs when I wrote the ending here.

Review Replies;

**Cartooniac55:** The jury's still out on whether or not it was a trollfic, I think. Either way, it only gets be...err..._worse_ from here. Thanks for the review!

**MovieBrat:** Read on, and you'll see! Thanks for reading!

**TweenisodeOrange:** That, my friend, is not the worst typo in this series. X) Thanks for reviewing!

* * *

'**Full Life Consequences' Part II: To Do What Has To Be Done (By Me)**

I sat at the computer, my head in my hands.

"I don't want to do this," I sighed.

The door flew open, and Squidward walked inside, giving a half-hearted comment.

"The idiot patrol is here," he sighed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Sandy, as she and Spongebob walked in.

"As, yes," I nodded, climbing to my feet, "Gentlemen…ma'am…I have invited you here to combat a great evil!"

"Have you lost your glasses cleaner again?" asked Spongebob.

"Of course not!" I cried, "Listen, Danny, Sam and Tucker have been taken away by a higher power and the only way to save them is to complete and conquer Full Life Consequences 2."

"You told us that on the phone," reminded Sandy.

"I know," I grinned, crossing my arms, "I'm telling that to our _fourth_ guest…"

There was silence, save for the sound of wind.

"_I said_, I'm telling that to our _fourth_ guest."

Again, there was silence.

"Damn it, nothing's dramatic when you want it to be," I scowled, sitting down, "Alright, let's start, we'll fill him in when he arrives."

_John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him._

Sandy opened her mouth.

"Don't argue with the logic," sighed Squidward, "We'll be here all day."

_John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out._

"So…why doesn't he fill it up?" asked Sandy, "It can't be that far to a gas station, and it ain't that hard to drag a motorbike."

"John Freeman is not the epitome of intelligence," I replied.

"Much like you," nodded Squidward.

_John Freeman jump-_

"HEY!" I bellowed.

_ed fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands._

"So…a pile of hands…was just lying there?" asked Sandy.

"Maybe they're mine," considered Spongebob, "I lose them all the time."

There was a short, horrified silence.

"We never talk about that again," said Squidward, at last.

_"Gordon Freeman is now these hands..._

"How many hands did that guy have?" asked Spongebob.

_i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud._

"Sigh…is it really possible to overact in narrative?" groaned Squidward.

_John Freeman picked up a laser gun_

"Who leaves a _laser gun_ lying around?" demanded Sandy.

"Santa?" mused Spongebob, shrugging.

_and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe._

"So he put the birds back home…safely…in a _destroyed tree?_" demanded Squidward, "That is _beyond_ logic failure!"

_"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him._

"Oh, how tragic," deadpanned Squidward.

"That was frighteningly ill feeling," I pointed out.

"This…abomination doesn't deserve sympathy," growled Squidward.

I shifted away from him.

_John Freeman had to walked faster and was back at his office work and on a computer._

"Oh no…you're…you're not," I stammered.

_He looked on the internet and found the next boss._

_"I know his weakness now" John Freeman said._

There was a long silence.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Squidward said at last, "The worst dues-ex-machina ever."

_And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them._

"Ooh, hold on, the next line's a gem!" I grinned.

_"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom."_

"His own _mom_ calls him by his full name?" demanded Sandy.

"Yeah! My mom did that all the time," grinned Spongebob.

He thought for a moment.

"No wait…no she didn't."

_John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!"_

Squidward gave a heavy sigh as everyone else gave a snicker.

_then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time._

"Why didn't he just take that one in the first place?" demanded Sandy.

"Maybe he likes back flipping off the roof," mused Spongebob.

"That still begs the question…_how did he get a motorbike on the roof?_" shouted Squidward.

_John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle._

"Why are there a machine gun and a rocket gun next to his bike?" asked Spongebob.

"Ah, who knows?" sighed Sandy, rubbing her head.

_He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too._

"I feel like we need music from the Matrix to read this," I mused.

_John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts._

"Oh no! More zombie _goats!_" gasped Spongebob.

_John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was._

_"you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them._

"What a hero," deadpanned Squidward.

"He should be arrested for cruelty to zombies," nodded Spongebob.

"And goats!" I interrupted.

_John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness._

_The next boss died and John Freeman was happy._

"What? That's the climax? squirrelking, you _HACK!_" snapped Sandy.

"You were honestly excited about this," quizzed Squidward.

"Point taken," nodded Sandy.

_He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy._

"Yeah, pretty things," grimaced Squidward, "Like Spongebob's briefs."

"Hey!" snapped Spongebob.

"Those pants died for our sins," I sniffled, wiping away a fake tear.

_John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman._

"Well…that's actually a little emotional," decided Sandy.

_"You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman_

"…aaaaaaaannnd now it's completely ruined."

_Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."_

Then the wall exploded.

We glanced in sheer surprise as the wall (the one on the right) melted away, revealing a terrifying alternate world.

It was full of flowers, birds, trees and cute little animals. The sky was clear and a brilliant blue, with just a few fluffy clouds in the distance. Far away, we could see the shape of a pink, Bavarian-styled castle.

It was hideous. It was…_Happyland._

"So…someone took Danny, Sam and Tucker to Happyland," I mused, "That miserable fiend."

"Can I go home now?" sighed Squidward.

"Get ready, gentleman…ma'am," I growled, "There's only one way to deal with the cute and cuddly…"

"Ah…you've gotta be kidding me," sighed Sandy.

"Superior Firepower."

-[LOCK & LOAD MONTAGE]-

Squidward grabbed his clarinet from under his shirt, and tested some of the notes. Satisfied, he grasped the clarinet in his hand, and…put it back under his shirt, resuming his bored demeanour.

Sandy picked out her karate gloves, and slapped them onto her hands. She then tore off one of the table's legs, and swung it in the style of a ninja.

Spongebob slipped on his red karate gloves and…picked up the laptop. It would be a long walk, and I'm contractually obligated to continue reading this crap on the way.

Timmy, who had appeared out of nowhere, pulled a wand from his pocket. Raising it, he formed a green weapon, which we shall call the Starflinger, and grasped it in his hands.

I pulled a Colt .45 from Hammerspace and loaded it, before placing it rather unsafely in my pocket. I then grabbed an M1928 Thompson and loaded it, before slapping a combat helmet on my head.

The door was then kicked open, and a familiar individual stepped to the lead of us all. He holstered his dagger and pulled out his magic gun.

It was our fourth guest…Linkara.

_to be continued...?_


	9. III: And So We Had To Go

Well guys, if you fought the last two of squrrelking's masterpieces were odd...you ain't seen nuthin' yet.

Review Replies;

**TweenisodeOrange:** Thanks for reading. As per Linkara, he's a guy who reviews really bad comics. He also does videos on the history of the Power Rangers. He's on the same site as the Nostalgia Critic, not sure if you know him or not. I'd recommend his Superman: At Earth's End review as a starter (hobo-Superman!). Link: /videolinks/linkara/at4w

**Movie-Brat:** Wait and see. ;) Thanks for the review!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** I don't think he'd like it much, in here or in real life. XD Thanks for reviewing.

**Cartooniac55:** I hope I don't disappoint - quality-wise, the quadrilogy is all downhill from here. Thanks very much!

* * *

'**Full Life Consequences' Part III: And So We Had To Go**

Happyland smelt like flowers and sugar, and it was bright it hurt the eyes. As we stepped into the realm, we were met with the overcoming stench of honey and sweetness. I nearly retched.

"Well, let's get going," sighed Squidward.

"Hey, I got a question," mused Sandy, "How did we get Linkara?"

"Oh, we had an agreement," I replied, curtly.

"It wasn't an agree…" began Linkara.

"I have One More Day stored in my Hammerspace, you know."

"We had an agreement," gulped Linkara.

We began to walk towards the castle. As we did, I opened up the next fanfic in squirrelking's collection.

"Half Life: Hero Beggin-ing," I read.

"I think you mean Hero Beginning," corrected Linkara.

"Nope," replied Spongebob, "It's spelt with two 'g's. 'Hero Begginning'."

"What have I gotten myself in to?" Linkara groaned.

_In the future the world was dark and scarry._

"Wait, this doesn't have anything to do with John Freeman!" snapped Sandy.

There was a short pause. Then we all cheered.

_One day Combines came and noone knew why. Combines were robot things that werent robots with ugly faces and sometimes glowing eyes and slaved people in the city and made them angry and sad._

"The period is your friend, squirrelking," said Linkara.

"How can you be a robot that isn't a robot?" demanded Sandy, "Are they…cyborgs or something?"

"I don't know, can we get this over with?" sighed Squidward.

_Henry Freeman who was living in the city and with his mom said "mom why are Combines here"_

"Well, son, when two Combines love each other very much…" began Sandy.

_and she said "Henry Freeman Combines are from science and outter space_

"How can you be from science?" asked Spongebob.

"I'm pretty sure that's a town in Ohio," mused Linkara.

_and hate humens."_

There was a short pause.

"Humens?" repeated Squidward, flatly.

"Meh, I'm sure it's just a one-off typo," shrugged Spongebob.

_Henry Freeman realy hated Combines because they beat up every one and Henry Freeman hated it._

"Linkara is very distressed at this fanfic because it keeps making basic grammatical errors and Linkara hates it," responded Linkara.

_"mom why are they beating up that girl!" Henry Freeman said to his mom._

"What girl? When did they find a girl being beaten up?" demanded Linkara, "Who's beating her up? Why are they beating her up? Where are they? Where…"

"the fewer questions, the quicker it goes," groaned Squidward.

_"Because she is humen Henry Freeman,_

"One-off typo, huh?" shot Squidward.

"How do you misspell 'human?'" I demanded.

"Patrick does it all the time," shrugged Spongebob.

"This isn't Patrick's work," Squidward corrected, "It's too dumb."

_and they are evil Combines" Henry Freemans mom said back._

_"Hey you Combines stop beating her up you evil guys!" Henry Freeman yelled loud at them._

"You're making me distressed, Combines!" I imitated, "Stop it before I have one of my panic attacks!"

_"Shut up kid or you will pay!" the Combines said and aimed there lazer guns at Henry Freemans head._

"The Combine never had lasers in the game," I mused.

"I think it's pretty safe to say this has nearly nothing to do with the game," reassured Linkara.

_"Combines dont aim your lazers!" yelled mom then the Combines shot her and laughed "Ha ha stupid humen girl with no head" they said with smiles._

"People at home, read that sentence out loud," sighed Sandy.

_Henry Freeman grabed his moms hand and said "mom you were beautiful soul and Combines will pay."_

"You will be happy soul!" Spongebob cut in.

_"Henry Freeman no get out of here fast as you can..." Henry Freemans mom said and died._

"How sad," nodded Squidward, casually.

"How did his mom talk if she had no head?" asked Spongebob.

"Ask the dead pants," replied Sandy.

_Then Henry Freeman grabbed a wepon and shot the Combines in the heart and said "this is not over."_

"Hurray for weapons conveniently lying on the ground!" cheered Linkara.

_The people around Henry Freeman cheerd and smiled and said "good job Henry Freeman we hate those Combines!" Combines made people fraid and when Henry Freeman killed them it gave them hop._

"Peace, love and hop to all!" cheered Sandy.

"What a message," nodded Spongebob, wiping a tear from his eye.

_"Combines we are not scarred no more!" said Henry Freeman and every one around Henry Freeman said "YEAH!" and grabbed lazer guns and rocks. Henry Freeman and the people walked fast like waves and went towards to the Combine tower that was big like the sky._

"Looks like we're walking fast again," noted Spongebob.

"I'd like to 'walk fast' out of here," sighed Squidward.

_"Where do you humen think you are going?" a big Combine army with lots of striders said._

_"To send you back to science and outter space!"_

"Of course! Don't you know anything about science?" Linkara cut in, speaking in a heavy German accent.

_Henry Freeman yelled with mad "ATTACK THE COMBINES!" Henry Freeman yelled again._

_The war was going and blowing things up when Henry Freeman saw a gravity gun on the ground._

"Yes. Somebody left a gun that can levitate people on the ground," I nodded, "Pretty sure he lost his job."

_"Combines it is time to do what has to be done and live up to my family name" Henry Freeman wispered with head down._

_The Combines were shoting people and steping on them with stiders and people were shooting lazer guns back and killing them sometimes. Explosions like 10 times of the sun went around Henry Freeman but Henry Freeman didnt care._

_"Humen kind is losing and I need to help" Henry Freeman said. Then a big rocket came down and blew a guys arm off and legs and head and killed other people too._

"This contributes absolutely nothing to the plot," noted Sandy.

"Pretty funny if you read it out loud, though," I replied.

_Henry Freeman saw the dead going on all around. The Combine were to strong and big but Henry Freeman didnt care neither. Henry Freeman put the gravity gun on and started to throw striders and at buildings. The bildings fell and made dust and smoke and blinded Combines so Henry Freeman culd use the gravity gun to throw them into the sky realy high and make them squish._

Everyone but Squidward giggled immaturely.

"Hehe…squish," chuckled Spongebob, "It's funny because…"

There was a brief silence, and then we kept reading.

_The people were wining but then glowing things went in the sky and Combines came out. "Henry Freeman we have to go out of here!" a guy said to Henry Freeman. "No they are all every where!" another guy said._

_"You are surounded prepair to die" the dark man said._

"_What_ Dark Man?" boomed Linkara.

"Maybe he's Darth Vader…I'm gonna say he's Darth Vader," I decided.

_Henry Freeman lookd around. Combines with lazer guns were there. Henry Freeman knew if humens lost now it would be sad for ever._

"I think that just beat 'squish', people," nodded Sandy.

_"FIGHT" Henry Freeman yelled._

_People runned toward the Combines to kill them and the Combines were going to shoot all the people in a second when a brite light came in teh sky. A shiny thing like the Combines came from opend in the sky and a guy came out._

_"Combines leave my son alone" John Freeman said._

There was a long silence.

Then Linkara said a simple, calm word.

"What."

We were arriving at the castle gatehouse now, the door opening for us.

"So, John Freeman is…Jesus, or something?" mused Linkara.

"Who knows," I replied, "You guys ready to go in."

"I'll never be ready," groaned Squidward.

"That's the spirit!" grinned Spongebob.

"Well guys," I gulped, waving my Thompson at the door, "This is it. We're about to free our friends, charge into insurmountable danger…and read the last of these stories."

The last of my list caused all present to shudder.

Slowly, we walked into the castle.

_to be continued...?

* * *

_Aside note for you all: Anyone who reviews this chapter, unless they state otherwise, will cameo in the next review for the fight scene. If you want any particular role or weapon, or don't won't me to include you, just say what in your review. Think of it as a thanks for following my stuff. ;)


	10. IV: Time To End This Ones And For All!

I had this finished over an hour ago. Site difficulties delayed it. No comment, let's just get to the EPIC CONCLUSION!111

Review replies;

**Cartooniac55:** Oh, trust me, this one was hell to review. The youtube videos are funny as hell, though. XD Thanks for reading.

**Movie-Brat:** Yeah. It had that many errors. It might even have had a few I cleaned accidentally with spellcheck. Anyway, thanks for the review!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** Sure thing. Thanks for reviewing!

**TweenisodeOrange:** No problem. Thanks very much!

* * *

'**Full Life Consequences' Part IV: It's Time to End This Ones and For All**

_Authors Note: I totally forgot Timmy was supposed to be there in the last chapter. More fool me._

The entrance hall to the castle was a bright, marble construct, and everything smelt like cinnamon. There was a single guard in the room, dressed in an overly extravagant white tunic and a ridiculously enormous tricorne hat. He was guarding a large door – evidentially, the chamber of the King of Happyland.

We approached him. Linkara and I aimed our guns at him, Timmy did likewise with the Starflinger, Spongebob and Sandy made threatening stances and Squidward rolled his eyes.

"Let us in," growled Linkara, "We're here for a little word with your king."

"He's in a meeting, can it wait?" asked the guard.

We whispered to each other.

"How long until he finishes?" asked Spongebob.

"About ten minutes. You can wait in some seats over there," shrugged the guard.

Nodding, we walked over to the seats and sat down.

"May as well start finishing this, then," I sighed.

_Half-Life Full-life Consequences: Free Man_

"Well, the title isn't half bad," shrugged Timmy.

_John Freeman backfliped out of the sky and landed besides Henry Freeman._

"Never mind," sighed Timmy.

_Henry Freeman looked at John Freeman in the eyes and cry falled out_

"That's an amusing mental image," I noted.

_and said "Dad mom has dead"._

"Yes, John Freeman," interjected Linkara, "Your wife is cheating on you with dead!"

Insert scare cord here.

_John Freeman went sad at the ground then moved head real fast up._

_"COMBINES YOU KILLD WIFE?" John Freeman said with growls._

"How do you say something with growls?" mused Sandy.

"Just roll with it," sighed Linkara.

_"Yes John Freeman" the dark man said after "Henry Freemans mom is shot in head" the dark man said again._

_"I loved wife like sun raise..._

"In fact I love her so much I can't remember her name!" exclaimed Timmy.

_DARK MAN YOU WILL SUFFAR!" John Freeman ponted and yelled._

"Suffar? Any relation to Jafar?" I asked.

There was a long silence.

"Oh, like you could come up with any better!"

_John Freeman jumpd in to sky with kicks and hit dark man and the dark mans mask ript off and John Freeman seed ugly Combine face but it looked like humen tooo._

"Oh my god," gasped Linkara, "That might just be…the worst sentence ever constructed."

"But we're only five paragraphs in!" moaned Squidward.

_the dark man scrumbled back to Combines and Combines went to shoot John Freeman but Henry Freeman throwed granaid for John Freeman to shot them in faces._

Linkara buried his head in his hands.

_"Son take people and leave the city its time I have to kill the enemys and make evil go away from here forrest of time!" John Freeman said to Henry Freeman and people._

_"John Freeman we fight!" people said and didnt go no where._

_"Dad humens have to fight for freedome!" Henry Freeman said and didnt go no where neither._

"Forests of time and freedomes," mused Spongebob, "The map of that place must be really weird."

_John Freeman was fraid for first time._

"How do you think we're feeling?" sighed Timmy.

_He didnt want nothing to happen to Henry Freeman because Henry Freeman was John Freeman saw Combines start to run like monsters to humens and Henry Freeman and saw Henry Freeman and humens run like brave to Combines._

There was a long silence.

"Come again?" breathed Linkara, barely calm.

_He didnt want nothing to happen to Henry Freeman because Henry Freeman was John Freeman saw Combines start to run like monsters to humens and Henry Freeman and saw Henry Freeman and humens run like brave to Combines._

There was a three-second pause.

Then everyone (but Squidward) started screaming.

Spongebob (of all people) grabbed the laptop, and threw it to the ground, smashing it to pieces on the marble floor.

"Let's just get Danny, Sam and Tucker…and go home," I sighed, wiping some sweat from my brow.

"**YOU FOOLS!"**

The same demonic voice as from earlier had echoed above us, causing the room to shudder violently.

"**YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE IT EASY, DON'T YOU? YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DESTROY THIS FANFIC? **_**HA!**_**"**

The room darkened, and a demonic pair of eyes shimmered on the roof.

"**WELL, I, YOUR BITTEREST ENEMY, WILL NOT EASILY BE DEFEATED. YOU HAVE THROWN AWAY AN EASY VICTORY…NOW, YOU GET A BATTLE!"**

The large chambered door opened, revealing nothing but shadows.

"Well…um…in we go…totally alone," I shuddered.

Suddenly, there was an almighty crash as a tank on a parachute dropped through the windowed roof. It landed on its tracks in the middle of the entrance hall.

We stared in surprised awe as the occupants of the tank climbed out.

"You're not alone," stated Movie-Brat, brandishing a katana. He also had a shotgun strapped over his arm.

He was followed by Cartooniac55 and TweenisodeOrange, the latter of whom was carrying a machine gun, and the former a…umbrella?

"Why are you carrying an umbrella?" asked Timmy.

Cartooniac grinned, and pressed a small button on the grip of the umbrella. A pillar of [INSERT COLOUR HERE] light emerged from the top.

"Oh," nodded Timmy, meekly.

At this moment, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around, and gasped at who I saw.

"AHH! It's Napoleon!"

'Napoleon' suddenly changed shape, turning into Clockwork Oracle King.

"Close enough," he (?) shrugged.

"Indeed, you are not alone."

Five more people walked into the entrance hall – the Prime Ministerial Defence Force had arrived.

"Mr. Churchill!" grinned Spongebob, "And those other guys!"

"…and don't you forget about me, son," nodded Teddy Roosevelt, stepping in line with everybody else.

"So, is anyone else coming?" asked Cartooniac.

"THIS! IS! _SPARTA!_" yelled King Leonidas, jumping out of nowhere into the group.

"I…I don't know what to say," I sniffed, wiping a tear from my eyes.

"Just play something epic while we walk into the dark room," shrugged Tweenisode.

Thus, we entered the dark room.

Insert your own epic music here.

* * *

The hallway was long and dark, but we eventually reached a candle-lit throne room.

"Wow," mused Timmy, "The King of Happyland really needs to redecorate."

"Da, but he is not here right now."

A figure stepped from the shadows, his arms crossed across a heavily-decorated uniform.

"Stalin?" I gasped.

"_Nyet!_" shouted the newcomer, "Don't compare me to that peasant! I am Tsar Alexander III, by Grace of God, Emperor and autocrat of all the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Chersoneses, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Livonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samotiga, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Sovereign of Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislavl, and all northern territories; Sovereign of Iveria, Kartalinia, and the Kabardinian lands and Armenian territories – hereditary Lord and Ruler of the Circassians and Mountain Princes and others; Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg, and so forth, and so forth!"

He stood firm for a few seconds – then he leant over, wheezing.

"_God,_ I have got to get a shorter title," he groaned.

"You can't beat us, Alexander," snapped Movie-Brat, aiming his shotgun at him, "How about you step back and give us what we came here for."

"What, those reviewers?" demanded the Tsar, "Very well. Mr. 350, step forward, and you shall receive them."

A cage lowered from the roof, revealing Danny, Sam and Tucker trapped inside.

"This seems like a trap," considered Cartooniac, "Don't…"

"Thanks, Mr. Tsar!" I grinned, skipping merrily over to the cage.

Linkara sighed.

"Three…two…one…"

A bigger cage dropped over both me and the smaller cage, trapping us inside.

"Yeah, nice one," deadpanned Sam, "That worked just as planned, didn't it."

The Tsar grinned, and passed a printed copy of _Free Man_ under the table.

"Finish it," he snarled.

"Or what?" snapped Danny.

"Simple," the Tsar explained, "If you finish, I'll call my army off from attacking your friends."

"What army?" asked Tucker.

The Tsar gave an evil grin.

"My army of _radioactive __Nazi__**tellytubbies!**_"

A wall opened up, and an army of glowing, green, jackbooted tellytubbies poured into the room, charging towards my friends and allies.

Linkara, Movie-Brat, Tweenisode, Churchill and Teddy fired into the mass of tellytubbies, downing several before they charged into the group. Then a chaotic brawl which could hardly be made out began.

I glanced at the story on the ground.

"Well, here we go," I gulped, "You with me?"

"It gets us out of here," shrugged Danny.

I nodded, and continued.

_John Freeman got quiet then dropped wepon and said "I have to kill fast and bullets too slow" and started killing Combines with bear hands._

"That doesn't even begin to make sense," said Danny, unamused.

"Roll with it, it gets it done quicker," sighed Sam.

_John Freeman was killing Combines and barking necks and humens and Henry Freeman was behind shooting at Combines at front._

"Oh, come on!" snapped Tucker, "Who can kill a heavily armed and armoured opponent with just his 'bear' hands?"

There was a smash as two tellytubbies were thrown with great force onto the bars of the cage. Teddy followed them, cracking his knuckles.

"Bully," he said, softly.

He then proceeded to whack them over the heads with a big stick, before walking calmly back into the melee.

"Apart from him," added Tucker.

_Now Combines got scarred and ranned back to the dark man who was at the door to the big tower that was big onto the sun and went around the dark man and got redy to fight again._

"Yes, we _know_ it's big," sighed Danny, "You've told us several times that it's big. Your audience is not stupid."

"Danny, you're giving this _way_ too much credit," interjected Sam.

_then the dark man pressed the button that made the big tower glow and smoke._

_"John Freeman you let next boss step on me and made me headcrab zombie. Combines came and put science in me and made me live and strong and big now I make you and Henry Freeman headcrab zombie. Prepair to die" Gordon Freeman said._

There was a short pause.

"What the hell just happened?" whispered Tucker, at last.

_"Gordon Freeman you are my bro and I killed next boss. Combines science is bad and made you tricked bro_

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" asked Sam, "Because, y'know, the words 'mind controlled' are just far too big for us to understand!"

_stop the button and glowing." John Freeman said._

_"NO!" Gordon Freeman angered back._

_Gordon Freeman teleportaled to John Freeman and hit him with crow bar and John Freeman tried to grabe it but couldnt_

"FAIL!" interjected Tweenisode, who had somehow ended up outside the cage.

"Yep, that's probably the best description ever given for this," nodded Sam.

Tweenisode gave a nod in return, before turning her attention back to the crowd.

"Say hello to my little friend!" she yelled, firing her machine gun as she walked into the mass of tellytubbies.

_so he punched Gordon Freeman instead. John Freeman and Gordon Freeman was fighting for life and death when the Combines and humens started shoting each other again. Henry Freeman got in front of humens and saw the tower smoke and glow more and more like litning clouds._

"Litning? That sounds like a drug," mused Danny.

"Remember kids!" grinned Linkara, who had a tellytubby in a headlock and was staring down another, "Litning is bad for you! Now if you'll excuse me…"

He threw the captured tellytubby to the ground and advanced on the other.

"I AM A MAN!"

He punched it in the gut.

_Henry Freeman shout "It will explod!"_

"Oh, good, I was afraid that it would explode," chuckled Sam in fake relief.

_so Henry Freeman and the people shot bullets and bombs at Combines so humen kind could press the botton and make it stop. Then Henry Freeman went to a Combines car and shoot all the Combines in it and went to the top and used the torret gun. Henry Freeman made the torret gun shoot Combines and bullets cut them in two and half._

_Henry Freeman kept shooting Combines and the rest of humens got closer and closer to button to stop it. The Combines shot at the humens and made some die but no one cared becaus they had to do it._

"…had to do what?" asked Tucker, grinning.

Danny and Sam sighed, and buried their heads in their hands.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Yes. Yes it was," sighed Movie-Brat, who was beheading several tellytubbies.

One of them tried to attack him from behind – he roundhouse kicked it.

_Then Combines started coming out of the hug tower_

"Insert Hippy Joke Here," I sighed.

_to stop the humens. There was too much Combines and humens couldnt go to the button no more and the tower was all smoke and glow now expect for a little bit._

"I wonder if his squirrelking's spellchecker died when he wrote this," considered Sam.

_John Freeman knew it was too late and humens couldnt stop button. John Freeman had barley time but was still fighting Gordon Freeman._

_"Bro it is time Im sorry" John Freeman said to Gordon Freeman._

_"time for you to die John Freeman!" Gordon Freeman said back._

_"No bro" John Freeman said then kicked Gordon Freeman in teh part of the face that was like Combines._

"Y'know, a description of what Gordon looks like when he's 'Combined' would do a lot for the story," scowled Danny, "I mean, is he wearing a bucket on his head? Is it some kind of evil mask? Is he being controlled by an iPhone app?"

_The science flew off Gordon Freemans face_

"Anyone wanna say something about that?" sighed Tucker.

"I do," nodded Cartooniac, who had made her way to the cage.

"Go ahead."

Cartooniac grinned, before violently swinging her light-umbrella at some tellytubbies.

"SCIENCE!" she yelled, "DOES NOT! WORK! THAT! WAAAAAY!"

She finished swinging, landing in a battle pose. The tellytubbies she had just sliced stood for a moment, and then collapsed into little pieces.

Cartooniac gave a small smile, dusting her hands as she walked away.

_and landed and blowed up in a boom and Gordon Freeman stood and fall. "Bro.." Gordon Freeman said so John Freeman got closer to the ground like Gordon Freeman._

"Not that close, bro!" snapped Danny, imitating Gordon, "Personal space, jeez!"

_"Combines made me tricked bro Im sorry" Gordon Freeman said._

_"I know bro but you are hero" John Freeman said back to comfart Gordon._

"Sorry, that typo killed the moment," shrugged Sam.

_"Save humens and Henry Freeman" Gordon Freeman said quiet like pain and breathed slower and slower_

_John Freeman had Gordon Freeman and saw eyes shut and the breath stoped but Gordon Freeman had smiles on face._

"Well, he just killed off the only canon character here," I sighed, "We're officially at rock bottom."

"Well, at least we're nearly at the climax," sighed Danny.

_John Freeman let go Gordon Freeman and went up back on his feet and loked his head around and saw trees and aminals and humens then looked at glowy tower and knew what has to be done._

"If your sentence goes for three lines, you're doing something wrong," Tucker pointed out.

_"Son and people get back!" John Freeman said out real loud_

"Who the heck talks like that?" demanded Sam.

_so Henry Freeman frontflipped off torret and went with people back to John Freeman and ducked bullets and rackets._

_"Son take people on motorcycle and leave city. Make people safe son and nothing happen to them." John Freeman said to Henry Freeman._

_"But dad I fight!" Henry Freeman said.  
"No son go with people" John Freeman said so Henry Freeman and humens went on motorcycle._

_Henry Freeman started on motorcycl and started to go but slow becaus he didnt want to. the Combines saw and said "STOP THE HUMENS!" and went charge at motorcycle._

"Squirrelking, you're not dramatic, stop trying," sighed Danny.

"THIS! IS! DRAMA!" yelled Leondias, booting a tellytubby in the stomach.

"Leondias, you're not dramatic, stop trying," repeated Danny.

Clockwork backstabbed him.

"Thanks," thanked Danny.

"Hey, no problem," shrugged Clockwork.

_John Freeman walked to wards Combines and made fists with hands. John Freeman punchd and hit Combines in front but all Combines in back shot rockets and masheen guns. a Rocket hit John Freeman but he got up and killed more Combines then a Combine went at John Freemans back and stabed him but John Freeman got nife out and stabbed Combine in brane. Combines got close and hit John Freeman body with bullets but John Freeman kicked Combines back._

"What is he, Connor effing MacLeod?" I demanded, "No-one could survive that!"

There was a sudden rapping on the cage bars. Churchill pointed to my Tommy Gun, and held out his hand.

"Out of ammo?" asked Danny.

"Give me the tools, and I will finish the job," growled Churchill.

I handed him a drum clip. He snapped it onto his own Tommy Gun and walked back into the crowd, firing indiscriminately.

_John Freeman kept fighting Combines and put head up to tower and saw it go brite and break then turned around in last second and saw motorcycle in far off safe place and was happy. Henry Freeman and the people in the motorcycle saw the tower go like millon stars and fire and loud noises then the people went down but Henry Freeman kept going and didnt say nothing._

"Yaaaay! John Freeman is _dead!_" cheered Sam.

The whole crowd (even the tellytubbies) cheered.

"We are horrible people," chuckled Tucker.

_After the world was nice and humens had new city and happy because the Combines was gone and nobody was slave or sad. President Henry Freeman and people and animals and earth had peace and in the middle of new city was a statue that said "John Freeman Saver of Humens"_

I looked up.

"This is it," I realised, turning to face the Tsar, "Alexander, I have just two words to say to you!"

"No, you can't have…" gasped the Tsar, horrified.

"I have," I nodded, pulling a lighter out of my shirt pocket and holding it to the paper the story was printed on.

"_**THE END**__"_

Inexplicably, the ground underneath me began to rise, forming a pillar above all. Dramatic music began to play.

_Daaaaa…daaaaa…daaaaa…DUM DUUUUUUUUUM!_

I held the paper up high, for all to see.

_Daaaaa…daaaaa…daaaaa…DUM DUUUUUUUUUH!_

I then held up the lighter, and flicked it on.

_Daaaaa…daaaaa…daaaaa…DAH DAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

I held the lighter to the paper, and it ignited.

Our group cheered as the tellytubbies screamed horribly and, bizarrely, melted.

_DAH…da da daaaa (dum dum dum dum) da da daa…daaah…daaaah…DAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

The pillar returned to the ground as the last embers of the paper burned.

"We did it!" cheered Spongebob.

"So, what do we do now?" asked Timmy.

There was another short pause.

"Go home and _party!_" yelled Tweenisode.

"Hurray!"

We all ran out of the room, leaving the dying embers of the story on the ground, the Tsar still looking at them in wonder.

"How did they do it?" he muttered to himself.

"**DO NOT WORRY, ALEXANDER,"** the deep voice echoed from the roof, **"THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE HAPPY FLUFFY REVIEWERS. WE WILL FIND A WAY."**

"Da…da, we will," nodded the Tsar, raising a fist to the air in newfound vigour.

"**NOW GET OUT OF THERE. STEPHENIE MEYER IS THE QUEEN OF HAPPYLAND AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO STICK AROUND FOR HER."**

The Tsar screamed, and fled the room.

**

* * *

Final Verdict of 'Half Life: Full Life Consequences'**

_Danny Fenton: 0/10._

_Tucker Foley: 0/10._

_Sam Manson: 0/10._

_Spongebob Squarepants: 1/10._

_Sandy Cheeks: 0/10._

_Squidward Tentacles: 0/10._

_Timmy Turner: 0/10._

_Linkara: 0/10._

_E350: 0/10._

_Total: 1/90._


	11. Nickelodeon Metropolotis: It's So Bad!

Well, this my tenth chapter. I decided this needed to be something...'special', so here's something from my hall of shame.

Review replies;

**TweenisodeOrange:** I'm glad I did, I was worried about getting anyone's personality wrong! Spongebob is pretty generous, isn't he? Thanks for reading!

**TLSoulDude:** Yeah, Linkara's pretty awesome, isn't he? That fic doesn't do much for author's pride, but in some ways, it is so bad it's funny. :D Thanks for the review.

**Movie-Brat:** Thanks very much! :DDD

**Cartooniac55:** Oh yeah. Consider that by the normal x/40 rating, it would have gotten _less then one_. It is that bad...but I would again recommend the youtube videos.  
**

* * *

Review Seven – 'Nickelodeon Metropolotis'**

Sometimes, you'd just got to say one word…_why?_

Some fanfics are good, and one day I will review one that is good (I reviewed a good one in my double-feature, but that's hardly the point). A lot, however, are pussy, slimy, horrible messes of 'literature' that should be immediately destroyed.

I apologise for sounding a lot like Yahtzee there, but it's the truth. There is a _lot_ of bad fic out there. For every gem, there's fools gold.

Case in point – Nickelodeon Metro-polo-tis.

Written by a hapless idiot named tommy_baby in the September of 2006, it is introduced with an immortal phrase, 'OK, this is my last idea for a week, I promise.'

Quantity over quality, I guess.

Anyway, this hapless schmuck was a member of a forum called NickDisk Reloaded, which is currently near death (join it, it needs help). Four years later, that schmuck would be another site complaining about what he himself did in his own past.

Yep, we're digging into one of my old shames. Enjoy – we're right in the pit of the Jake here…

* * *

"So we're reviewing one of your old shames again?" sighed Danny.

"I'm afraid so," I replied, grimly.

Danny, Timmy, Sam and I were seated at the review table, looking glumly at the screen.

"Well, let's not beat around the bush," I groaned.

_**Starring...**_

"Ahhh! A cast list!" screamed Timmy.

"I can never complain about cast lists again, can I?" I groaned.

"Nope," grinned Sam, crossing her arms.

_**We zoom in on the main primary school, Nickelodeon Primary, where Timmy and Jimmy are in History with Crocker.**_

_TIMMY: I'm bored._

"Oh no, It's in script format," groaned Danny.

_TIMMY: Dude, you haven't met Crocker yet._

_JIMMY: So, at least he's not 83. _

_MRS FOWL: (OS) I heard that! _

_JIMMY: Besides, it's not like he's any more insane as...um...the LAST time._

"This makes no sense," noted Danny.

"I was twelve," I replied, gritting my teeth.

"That's just an excuse."

_CROCKER: Congratulations, non-Timmy, you managed to get...and F._

"…F and what?" mused Timmy, "What else did he get?"

_JIMMY: What? ... _

_**In the cafiteria...**_

_JIMMY: ...! _

_TIMMY: Are you quite finished?_

"Well, that one wasn't so bad," shrugged Sam, "If you ignore the fact that Jimmy would have suffocated if he had screamed for that long."

_**The bell goes, indicating the end of the day. Timmy, Carl and Sheen wait for Jimmy.**_

_SHEEN: Doesn't F stand for...for...For? _

_TIMMY & CARL: No. _

_SHEEN: Oh._

"Sheen isn't _that_ stupid," snapped Timmy, "You fail again."

I gave a groan.

_JIMMY: he handed me over to Crocker and I had to help him do his stupid Fairy Hunting! _

_TIMMY: I'm going home._

"Well, you're companionate," shrugged Danny.

Timmy scowled at him.

_**Timmy walks onto the bus. Meanwhile, in the Crocker Cave, Crocker is viewing a weird contraption.**_

"That was a…really awkward scene cut," mused Sam.

"Yeah, it'd be like us randomly cutting to Vlad finding a dollar," scowled Danny.

Meanwhile, Vlad found a dollar. He was most amused.

_**Later, at Timmy's house...**_

_SPONGEBOB: Why are we here? _

_TIMMY: Jimmy got an F and...uh...went to 'get justice' from Crocker. _

_OTTO: __**Cracks.**_

"So…Otto fell apart?" considered Timmy, faintly disgusted.

"Alas, poor Otto, I knew him well," lamented Danny.

He thought for a moment.

"Wait a minute, no I don't!"

_**Jimmy crashes in, wearing a robotic suit.**_

_TIMMY: Nice invention. _

_JIMMY: Shhh...you'll wake the fairies. _

_**Brings out a suction thing and sucks up the sleeping Cosmo and Wanda from thier bowl)**_

_JENNY: Timmy's goldfish? _

_OTTO: How dumb can you..._

_**Jimmy fires magic at the two, knocking them into the corridor.**_

_JIMMY: Gotta go. My master, Mr Crocker, needs me._

There was a long silence.

"What the heck just happened?" demanded Danny, at last.

"I don't know," I moaned.

_**The kids enter the school. It has begun to rain.**_

_TIMMY: This reminds me of that book I skimmed through. 'Cept it had aliens._

_SPONGEBOB: I read it. Did you know aliens are..._

_TIMMY: Spongebob, that's fiction. _

_SPONGEBOB: So there are no aliens in human minds?_

"I think K. A. Applegate should pay me for that," I considered.

"No. No she shouldn't," replied Danny, "That was terrible."

_OTTO: Dude, why are the lights still on._

"I'm so confused that I'm going to leave out the question mark…man," said Sam, in a completely neutral tone.

_**A cold wind blows from a hole. The Crocker Cave has a secret cave!**_

_SPONGEBOB: (English Accent) Shall we enter? __**Nervous Laugh.**_

Sam added a fake laugh.

"Ahahaha…I hope you all die," she growled.

"Hey!" snapped Timmy and Danny.

_**Timmy, Danny, Spongebob, Otto, Arnold, Jenny and Tommy enter quietly. The cave is dimly lit, and has a secret base feel to it.**_

_SPONGEBOB: This place isn't so creepy, right guys...right?_

"You stole a line from _Nicktoons Unite?"_ demanded Danny.

"Hey, back then, that game was the bee's knees," I snapped.

"The…bee's knees?"

"Yeah, I use old slang."

_**The kids walk slowly forward. A blue light is in the distance. Strange markings are on the walls.**_

_DANNY: I have a feeling Crocker doesn't own this. _

_ARNOLD: He's evil, but he's not a genius._

"Yeah, Crocker's so dumb," Timmy sighed, "What with all those silly 'fairy gadgets' he makes? Psht! - what an idiot."

_**Timmy walks toward the light, in a trance.**_

_OTTO: Turner, snap out of it! _

_TOMMY: Timmy, are you OK? _

_**Timmy walks into the light.**_

"He is then electrocuted," added Danny, in an English accent, "His funeral is next week."

Timmy glared at him.

_VOICE: Oh, come on, chaps! _

_**Anti-Cosmo and 5 other Anti-Fairies come out of the light.**_

_ANTI-COSMO: Can't you see. That light is Godchild Attracting! it can't possibly fail! HA!_

"Yes, what ho, this plan is going _swimmingly_!" grinned Danny, in his fake English accent, "I mean, it makes absolutely no scientific of physical sense, but what do I know about sense, I'm _British!_"

I gave him a death glare.

"Oh yeah, sorry," said Danny, meekly.

"Can we skip ahead a bit," I moaned.

"Yeah, we might as well," shrugged Timmy.

_**The kids turn around and see Crocker sitting on a throne.**_

_ALL: CROCKER! _

_CROCKER: Like that wasn't obvious, I mean, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!_

_SPONGEBOB: I don't know how many times Plankton's said that, but..._

_DANNY: It never works! _

_SPONGEBOB: Actually, I was going to say he's tiny._

I smashed my head on a nearby wall.

_**The kids see a huge machine full of dirt.**_

_DANNY: Dirt? _

_CROCKER: Not just any dirt! The dirt that used to be... _

_TOMMY: Shield your ears! _

_CROCKER: FAIRY GODPARENTS! _

_VOICE: Have you done yet, __MR__ Crocker?_

_CROCKER: Uh...It's almost charged, Evil Guy._

"Evil Guy?" demanded Sam, "You called your villain…_Evil_ _Guy?"_

"It's better then Arnie Kiffman," I muttered, "I'm gonna skip ahead to the…ah…gems. It'll be quicker."

"This'll be _sweet_," grinned Timmy, rubbing his hands.

_**Danny stands, nervous. The fairy, wearing a police like suit, stands.**_

_FAIRYCOP: Don't you know Fairies, Ghosts, Robots, and basiclly everything else weird hate eachother?_

"Why would a fairy refer to _itself_ as weird?" demanded Danny.

"Maybe he's crazy," suggested Timmy.

"Now, a little further in, Jimmy gets turned into a were-zombie creature thingy and starts some sort of infection," I explained, "The creatures proceed to invade 'Bkikini Bottom' and go after Spongebob. He gets chased to Otto's, and they get chased to Arnold's. They end up on the roof, and _this_ happens."

_ARNOLD: You asked for this!_

_**Hit's one over the head, and it turns into Jimmy.**_

_JIMMY: OW! Arnold! _

_**Cautiously, Spongebob hits one, and it turns into Sheen. He smiles. The four kids pick up things, and start hitting the creatures. Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda appear.**_

"So all you have to do to stop a zombie uprising," mused Danny, "Is hit the zombies lightly over the head, and they turn back."

"I was twelve," I repeated.

"I don't care."

_ANTI-COSMO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _

_JIMMY: Take this! _

_**Jimmy hits Anti-Cosmo with a newspaper.**_

_ANTI-COSMO: OW! Anti-Wanda, we're retreating!_

"Evidently Anti-Cosmo is secretly Byzantine," noted Danny.

"Don't you mean French?" asked Timmy.

"Nah, we're cool with the French here," I shrugged, "Anyway, our lot later get superpowers, whoop-de-doo, and that's an entirely forgettable episode about babysitting and Vlad and stuff. I'm pretty sure I ripped off JusSonic about here, but that's hardly the point."

"So, we're done?"

"Nope, then we get to the 'Hall of Mirrors' Episode, where they get trapped in a mirror by evil clones and…just…just read."

_JIMMY: ... __**Brings out notepad. Writes note.**_

_JENNY: __**Responds to note, tries loudspeakers. No sound.**_

_SANDY: __**Moves mouth soundlessly, then looks surprised.**_

_TIMMY: __**Attempts to yell. Still nothing.**_

_ANTI-COSMO: Wish I could see this ALL day. Oh well, work to do, Evil Guy's to serve, places to destroy... _

_**He and the copies walk away.**_

_JIMMY: __**Writes on wall.**__No sound. Have to put up with it. Could be worse!_

_JENNY: __**Writes on wall.**__Don't say that, things always get worse!_

_JIMMY: __Only when I say that. I just wrote it this time._

_JENNY: __So._

_JIMMY: __Nothing else bad can happen!_

_ANTI-COSMO: __**Over Hall of mirrors PA.**__ Hello there, hope you realise that you ARE only relections._

_SANDY: __Reflection?_

_ANTI-COSMO: The laws of relections. No sounds, can't age, other stuff I'll let you find out. Goodbye._

_**Sandy soundlessly yells at Anti-Cosmo, while Patrick starts crying and Spongebob looks at his feet, knowing that this is all his fault.**_

_**The kids just sit there.**_

_OTTO: __Any ideas?_

_JIMMY: __No, even I'M stumped._

_SPONGEBOB: __Well, Anti-Cosmo got us in, right?_

_ALL: __Yeah._

_SPONGEBOB: __Maybe his refection_

_JIMMY: __Reflection!_

_SPONGEBOB: __Can get us out!_

_JIMMY: __Spongebob, you might just have a point! But what about the laws off..._

_**Everything goes black and white.**_

_JIMMY: __Reflections?_

_TIMMY: __Darn._

_ARNOLD: __We'll get outta here!_

_**Copy Jenny enters, having forgot something. Jenny copies her every move until she leaves. Copy Jenny comes back and decides to stand guard.**_

_JIMMY: __Jenny, snap out of it!_

_JENNY: __**Continues to copy Copy Jenny.**_

_DANNY: __Another law, When the 'real' person comes, we have to copy them._

_OTTO: __But we ARE real!_

_JIMMY: __Look, are we gonna find Anti-Cosmo OR NOT?_

_ALL: __Yeah...OK..._

_**They walk in the direction of the mirror door. To thier relief, it has a reflection on thier door.**_

_JIMMY: __**Pushes door open.**_

_**They find Anti-Cosmo's reflection, who is flying around like a weird crazy thing.**_

_ANTI-COSMO: __Hello, there, hehe!_

_PATRICK: __Hi._

_ANTI-COSMO: __What do you nice people want?_

_JIMMY: __Out of this mirror!_

_ANTI-COSMO: __I will be nice enough to try..._

_JIMMY: __Thanks._

_ANTI-COSMO: __Stand Back!_

_**Zaps the kids away into another mirror.**_

_JIMMY: Hey, this is just another mirror!_

_PATRICK: That's it! _

_JIMMY: DON'T! _

_**Patrick shatters the glass between them and the real world, and they fall out.**_

_TIMMY: I can't believe we never thought of that! _

_COPY JENNY: Don't move or I shatter the mirror! _

_**Copy Jenny points to...err...Real Jenny, still stuck in the mirror.**_

_JIMMY: Aw...poop._

_COPY JENNY: Nobody move!_

_JIMMY: Hold on, if the person exist, how can a reflection?_

_COPY JENNY: Huh?_

_JIMMY: Easy. __**Moves finger.**_

_**The copy smashes the mirror, and unintentionally shatters. Real Jenny falls onto the ground.**_

_JENNY: Phew, glad that's over._

There was a very long silence.

"…the f^{\?" uttered Danny, at last.

"Don't ask," I groaned, "Just…don't ask. We're done here."

I closed the fic.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," I sigher, walking away.

"Hey," said Danny, calmly.

I turned around.

"Everyone gets better," said Danny, with a small smile, "I mean, seriously, you enjoy writing, right?"

"Well, yeah," I replied.

"And the more you write, the better you get," added Sam.

I gave a small smile.

"…but that doesn't stop this story from sucking," finished Timmy, pulling out a rotten tomato. Danny and Sam did likewise.

Then they threw a barrage of rotten tomatoes at me.

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'Nickelodeon Metropolotis', by tommy_baby/E350**

Danny Fenton: 0/10.

Sam Manson: 0/10.

Timmy Turner: 0/10.

E350: 0/10.

Final Verdict: 0/10.


	12. Timmy Gets Killed: Trolls!

I _hate_ troll fics.

Incidentally, for anyone participating in the Halloween Unspectacular competition, I am extending the deadline to the fifteenth. That's the latest I will go.

Review Replies;

**TLSoulDude:** Alright, you give me a link and I'll review it! :D Thanks for the review.

**TweenisodeOrange:** Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better. :) Incidentally, I'm half-British and half-Australian, if that's possible. Thanks for reading!

**Movie-Brat:** That's probably for the best. Thanks for reviewing!

**Cartooniac55:** Thanks for that, praise makes me feel happy. :) Here's the next one! XD Thanks very much.

**Wherever Girl:** I'll see what I can do. I must warn you, though - I can be cruel. :\ I'll find a good fic one day - it's just that bad ones are more fun to tear apart! XD Thanks.

**Clockwork Oracle King: **I'm sure I can do that on the future. Thanks again!

**unknown20troper: **You may just find out one day... XP Thanks for the response!

**Dimentio713:** Yeah, it's probably a good idea you didn't write that...though admittedly, it sounds hilarious! Thanks for responding.  
**

* * *

Review Eight – Timmy Gets Killed By Cosmo and Wanda – Trolls!**

Well, lads and lasses, tomorrow Call of Duty: Black Ops comes out and I will retreat into the darkness of my room for many days. Before that, however, I wanted to get something up, so here you go.

Not much to say about this. In fact, the title describes the whole thing.

Yeah, let's do this.

* * *

"Alrighty then," I exclaimed, sitting at the review table, "Mr. Turner, Ms. Cheeks, please welcome Mr. Jimmy Neutron to the table!"

"Sorry dude," shrugged Timmy.

"The pleasure is all mine," grinned Jimmy, knowingly.

"Well, let's get this over with," sighed Sandy.

I clicked open the fic.

_**Timmy Gets Killed By Cosmo and Wanda Because He's Really Really Annoying And They Get Really Really Sick Of Him**_

"A Most Lamentable Tragedy by Mister Luna Kompton in One Part," added Jimmy.

"Wait," snapped Timmy, "You didn't tell me we were reviewing this!"

"Shhh," hissed Jimmy, "I'm reading."

_"I wish for a rocket ship! I wish for a new skateboard! I wish for a Wii! I wish for an Xbox! I wish for-"_

"I wish for world peace!" added Jimmy, in a mock high-pitched tone.

"Timmy!" I snapped, "That's very selfish of you!"

Timmy crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

_"Enough!" cried Wanda._

_Timmy glanced despairingly at his pile of recently wished wishes. There were toys from the floor to the ceiling, wall-to-wall, covering his entire room. The only clear place was his bed, where he was sitting with Cosmo and Wanda, his fairy godparents._

_"But it's not __enough__! I need __more stuff__!" he whined._

"Well, he's certainly captured your character, Timmy," nodded Jimmy.

"Hey!" snapped Timmy, "That's only in season four!"

_"No! No! No!" Timmy cried. "More! More! More!"_

_"Timmy, don't you think you're asking for a little too much?" asked Wanda wearily._

_"Yeah," said Cosmo. "And you never say 'please' anymore!"_

_"But guys," Timmy explained, "You're my fairy godparents! You're supposed to do whatever I want!"_

_Wanda glared at him. "Is that what you think?" she asked angrily._

"God forbid they do the job for which they are paid," I cut in.

"Speaking of that, do they actually _get_ paid?" asked Sandy.

There was a short silence. Then I shrugged.

_Wanda held up her wand, and suddenly Timmy found himself on the top of a very tall cliff._

"I would say it goes downhill from here, but that wouldn't be prudent," mused Jimmy.

_"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed! "Cosmo, Wanda! I wish-"_

_"You wish __what__?" Wanda demanded from behind him. Timmy whirled around and saw his fairy godparents, both looking quite displeased._

_"Did you put me up here?" he asked, sounding scared._

_Wanda smirked. "Yes," she replied._

"They wouldn't," snapped Timmy, "I'm too awesome to be killed."

Jimmy rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you say, Turner."

_"I don't __wanna__ be up here! __Get me home NOW__!" Timmy yelled._

_"Excuse me?" said Wanda._

_"__I wish I was at home__!"_

_"No!" said Cosmo. "We're sick of you ordering us around and never saying 'please'. We quit!"_

"Isn't threatening to kill him a bit extreme?" mused Sandy.

"Why not? It worked for the Russians," I shrugged.

_Timmy looked terrified. "Can you at least take me home?"_

_"You see, Sport," said Wanda, "now that we're no longer your fairies, we don't have to listen to you anymore." She held up her wand again. A blindfold appeared over Timmy's eyes._

"…what?" demanded Timmy, "Why the heck are Cosmo and Wanda trying to kill me?"

"Same reason I would," grinned Jimmy, "You're obnoxious!"

"Shut up," snapped Timmy.

_"AHHH! Wait! Wait! I'm sorry!" Timmy cried desperately._

_"Too late for that," Wanda replied._

"Our new Nationalist Socialist policy does not stop for comparison!" I imitated in a bad German accent.

"Dagnabbit," sighed Sandy, "You did not just go there."

"What?" I snapped, "Random Nazi mocking is funny!"

"No it isn't," snapped Sandy.

_Cosmo and Wanda each put a hand on Timmy's back._

_"One…two…three!" they said in unison, and shoved._

_"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Timmy screamed as he fell, until it finally faded out to nothing._

"What is this, Crash Bandicoot?" I snapped, "The cliff can't be…"

"Shh," hissed Jimmy, "I'm savouring the moment."

He pointed to Timmy, who was staring into space with his jaw hanging.

"You are a cruel, cruel man," I noted.

"Yep," grinned Jimmy.

_Cosmo and Wanda let out a cheer. "We're free!" they exclaimed. "No more whiny, rude, demanding, pink-hatted twerp!"_

"NO!" shouted Timmy, "Cosmo and Wanda are _not_ Vicky! They would _not_ do this! This author is scum!"

"Timmy, ain't that a bit…" began Sandy.

"_SCUM!"_ screamed Timmy, before running out of the room.

There was another long silence.

"You feeling guilty?" asked Sandy.

"Not at all," chuckled Jimmy.

_Suddenly, there was an explosion in front of them._

_"YOU HAVE BROKEN DA RULES!" thundered Jorgen Von Strangle. "YOU HAVE COMITTED THE ULTIMATE CRIME! YOU MUST NOT USE MAGIC TO KILL! YOU WILL ROT IN FAIRY JAIL FOREVER!"_

_Cosmo and Wanda gulped. There was a flash of light, and they were gone._

_They lived out the rest of their extremely long fairy lives in Fairy Jail with Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda. When interviewed, Cosmo was quoted as saying "I regret nothing!" Wanda said, "At least we got rid of that whiny twerp, once and for all."_

_"Timmy! Are you in there?" Timmy's Dad called from outside of his son's room. "I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as a parent by coming in anyway!"_

_Dad kicked open the door. "Hey!" he cried. "How come MY stuff isn't this nice?"_

"Well, that's it," I shrugged, "At least Mr. Turner is in character. As for us, how are you feeling?"

"Like someone jammed a jackhammer in my head," replied Sandy.

"Same here," I nodded.

"I loved it!" grinned Jimmy.

I turned to look Jimmy in the eye.

"Why'd you give me this?" I asked, "Even with your rivalry, this is…well…nasty, I guess."

"I have reasons," shrugged Jimmy, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving."

He left the room, whistling.

"That was odd," I mused.

"Well, look on the bright side," shrugged Sandy, "No-one's barged in to holler their problems at you today."

The door crashed open.

"_LEEEEEEEROY JENKIIIIIINS!_" a knight with a heart on his chest bellowed.

Sandy facepalmed.

* * *

Timmy sat on the porch, grumbling to himself as Jimmy stepped out.

"You suck," he snapped, glaring at the genius.

Jimmy gave a little grin.

"Maybe I do," he nodded, "Never mind. You'll see it my way."

"Yeah, maybe in a hundred years," snarled Timmy.

"Oh, Timmy," chuckled Jimmy, putting a hand on Timmy's shoulder, "It'll be sooner then you think."

Unnoticed by Timmy, the genius' eyes flashed red.

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'Timmy Gets Killed By Cosmo and Wanda' by Luna Kompton**

Timmy Turner: -9/10.

Jimmy Neutron: 10/10.

Sandy Cheeks: 0/10.

E350: 0/10.

Total: 1/10.

* * *

Meanwhile, Walt Disney walked into his family room and stared for a minute.

Hitler was sitting on his lounge, grinning at him.

"Oh mine gott! I loff your stuff!" he exclaimed.

"Get out of my house," growled Disney.

"But I loff it! Snow Vhite is ze greatest movie ever…"

"_Get. Out._"

Hitler sighed, and walked miserably away. Disney scowled at the leaving dictator.

"I hate that guy," he groaned.

* * *

Yeah, Disney wasn't an anti-semite. That's Henry Ford you're thinking of.

(Hitler really was a Disney nut, though. Disney probably wasn't happy about that one.)


	13. Adventures in the M Section

To be devastatingly obvious, this one was_ not _fun to write. I am never going to the M section _again!_ (Unless I have a very good reason).

Review replies;

**RandomNumbers523156:** I'm glad you like it. I'll agree, there are some good troll-fics, but they are few and far between. Thanks for reading!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** Maybe if we deny it enough, it will go away. XD Thanks for reviewing!

**unknown20troper:** Well, I certainly didn't like it. _Way to go_, Nick. X( Thanks for the review!

**Cartooniac55:** Yeah, Henry Ford was a jerk. That last bit was sort of made on a whim, glad it worked. Thanks very much!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Overshadowed, controlled, replaced...we'll see. X) Thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** You and me both - it deserves what it got. Thanks for the response!

**TLSoulDude:** I know how you feel - apparently, Herman Goring was a railfan, which doesn't make me feel too great. The Lord of Souls review shall come soon, and you can certainly guest star. :D Thanks again!

**Dimento173:** No, not Mechakara, but you're getting warm. _Or are you? _*evil laugh*. Thanks for responding!

**Xemnas1992:** I have no idea. It's probably because you couldn't throw a stick without hitting a prominent anti-semite in the Twenties and Thirties. Thanks a bunch!  
**

* * *

Review Nine – Adventures in the 'M' Section**

Fanfic safety tends to vary.

The K and K+ ratings (G and PG in Australia) are generally safe to look at, if not to show your English teacher. These fics are supposed to be stuff you could show smaller children, and for the most part, it works well enough. There are, of course, some that push the rating, but these are admittedly limited.

The T rating (M in Australia) is less safe. According to the guidelines, it means; _'Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.'_ What 'minor' means can vary from author to author. Generally, it's what you would see in a movie like, say, Pirates of the Caribbean. Some people have trouble with this concept.

Then there's the M retain (MA-15+ in Australia). Ho boy.

According to the guidelines, it means; '_Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with possible strong but non-explicit adult themes, references to violence, and strong coarse language.'_

Unfortunately, most people seem to skim through the guidelines and ignore this piece of advice.

Fasten your seatbelts – we're going to the lemon fields…

* * *

Once again, Danny, Tucker, Sam and I were seated at the review table. I was explaining what we were doing today.

"Today," I explained, "We're going to look at the first twelve summaries of the M rated sections for three shows – Danny Phantom, Fairly OddParents and Spongebob Squarepants. We're gonna read the summaries and comment on them."

"Well, it's a change of pace," shrugged Sam, "Can't be that bad."

"Good, 'cause DP's up first!" I grinned.

I opened the page.

_1. Morning Sam Morning Danny by VampireGurlxox _

_sam and danny spend the night together RATED M FOR A REASON!_

"…do we _really_ wanna see what's in there?" Tucker asked.

Danny and Sam quickly shook their heads.

_2. Mother Instint by arthurvladimir_

_Hay algo mas puro que el amor de una madre y un hijo? dedicado a ? por contarme su historia y ser la inspiracion para esta_

"Just a sec, I'll stick that through babelfish," I stated.

_something but pure that the love of a mother and a son? dedicated a? to tell its history me and to be the inspiration for this_

I blinked.

"OK…babelfish sucks," I decided, and carried on.

_My only wish by Kixen_

_Maddie remembering her high school days without a friend make a wish for Danny to be her friend. Desiree hearing this wish grants it. Can Danny make it back home to his own time or will he wreak the past? Don'e like don't read. Rated M._

"Yeah, _we know,_" sighed Sam, "We're in the M section, after all."

"Bad spelling notwithstanding," Danny mused, "That could be an interesting fic."

"The genre is romance!" blurted Tucker.

Danny looked about to hurl.

_4. Only a Matter of Time by Twin Kats_

_Half-Ghosts Time & Magic Universe / TUE-future / They made him late; they made him miss his chance and now...well, now the world is ending. It burns in the fire of Dan Phantom, and he walks beside him all the way. / Warning: DARK-FIC, STRONG LANGUAGE_

"Well, this one doesn't look to bad," mused Tucker.

"The first chapter had Clockwork swearing and going insane," I replied.

"Never mind," sighed Tucker.

"You got anything to add, Danny?" asked Sam.

Danny was still green.

_5. A Halfa's Love by hikarisailorcat_

_Danny's friendship with Tucker and Sam is slowly going down the drain, but when he meets someone he falls in love with, will he be able to trust him and tell him the biggest secret of his life? Danny/OC slash._

"Gary Stu slash," sighed Sam, "_Next!_"

_WhoopDeeDooDa, 100 DP Oneshots by PsychoticNari_

_This is a response to Bluegoo2's 100 drabble challenge! YAY! Right Now: Breaking Point_

"Well, I like the title," I nodded.

"Yeah, not much to say with this one," mused Sam, "You got anything to add, Danny?"

Danny was still green.

_7. Phantom Forever by James Potter of Amity Park_

_This is my second try on this story; hope you like it. DANNYxSAM, minor TUCKxVAL_

"Well, that one doesn't seem that bad either," considered Tucker, "I mean…"

"_Dash rapes Sam,_" I growled.

Tucker shut up as Sam gave the computer a death glare.

_8. A halfa's life is hard by AnImE-hAvEn-64_

_SLASH! Danny is faced with not only ghosts to defeat but also has to decide on his feelings. "Sam, I love you!" "Dash, you idiot!" Who will he choose? His enemy or his best friend. Easier said then done. Bad at summerys Danny/Dash Sam/Kwan_

"Danny/Dash," I sighed, "Do they have to?"

"I've been paired with my mom," shuddered Danny, "Compared to that, this is normal."

_9. Times Change by Zaara the black_

_Danny finds Ember in pain one night after patrolling the City. After finding he decides to return to the pas and find out what happened to her. Unaware of what the future holds. Danny X Ember, others undecided_

"I'll tell you what the future holds," grinned Tucker, "Ghost babies!"

Sam punched him.

_10. Sam's femSlash Quest SS by ThErIpPeR1124_

_these are the sex sceans for Sam's fem-Slash Quest: warning this is pure smut. nothing but sex in this._

There was a short silence.

"Well," shrugged Danny, "At least it's honest."

"What's SS stand for?" asked Sam, "Schutzstaffel?"

"SS femslash?" I mused, "_Do not want."_

_11. A secret love affair by Kixen_

_What happens when a lonely house wife isn't getting the attention she wants from her husband? Simple she cheats on him. But can she keep her affair a secret from everyone without getting blackmailed or busted? Rated M Don't like don't read._

"Its romance and the listed characters are Danny and Maddie," I read.

"Not again," groaned Danny.

_12. Phantom Noir by Neross-qod_

_Detective Danny Phantom is facing his first big case, but is he up to the challenge? Will Danny fall to the plot formulating around him? Or will he solve the mystery before it's too late? And what if the truth is too much to take? AU Vlad/Danny by Neross_

"Ooh, noire!" I grinned.

"No," deadpanned Danny, "We're not reading it. I am not gonna be paired with Vlad."

"But it's _noire!_" I complained, "No-one writes that!"

"No."

I sighed heavily, as I opened up the Fairly OddParents section.

_1. A Lorenzo Christmas by soulful-sin_

_It's Christmas and Timmy's estranged from his godparents. Who knew they'd be upset about him trying to kill them? Miserable from Lorenzo's past abuse, Timmy resorts to desperate measures and The Other does everything in his power to get him back. C18 up._

"Who's Lorenzo?" I asked.

"I think this one's a sequel," shrugged Danny, "Next."

_2. A cure? by Bloodthirsty Muffin_

_What disaster happened when Wanda introduced her boyfriend Juandíssimo to her father? How did she and Juandíssimo break up? Why do Wanda and Blonda hate each other? How did Cosmo and Wanda meet? Interested? Then do come in..._

"Hmm, we're doing well," mused Tucker, "This one doesn't sound bad either…"

_3. Tears by Mikichu_

_The line between love and obsession can be deceptively thin, so much that it remains unseen to even those who cross. 10,000 years ago he went over and has followed her, claiming to love her, but there is no love left; only sorrow, hate, rape and murder._

"Ah, yes," noted Sam, sarcastically, "Sorrow, hate, rape and murder, four things commonly associated with the Fairly OddParents."

"Incidentally," I mused, "Tucker, you jinxed us."

Tucker sighed.

_4. Intertwined Love by unknown20troper_

_Remy Buxaplenty has fallen for Timmy Turner because of the dreams he's been having ever since he lost his fairy. Cupid/Juandissimo. Jorgen has finally rubbed Norm's lamp, and finds himself struggling with his feelings for the genie. Slash/yaoi, male/male_

"Timmy/Remy?" Danny mused, "Jorgen/Norm? Who the hell wrote thi…"

"Um, that author is a friend of mine," I reminded, "And an accomplished writer."

Danny blinked.

"…'kay, moving on," he declared.

_5. Hot party by A bitter end_

_A scene from the time back then when Juandíssimo and Wanda were a couple. LEMON._

"Well, the author's name's pretty fitting," shrugged Sam, "I'm pretty sure we'd be feeling pretty bitter at the end of this."

_6. Sidekick by soulful-sin_

_Complementary piece to MisterBlue's Raven Angel series. This set of one-shots better illuminates Timmy's side. Contains graphic mentions of rape in the first chapter. Sixth one-shot up!_

"Given the author, I'm sure this is fantastic," I mused, "But the rape bugs me."

"At least it's not me!" grinned Sam.

_7. Whole Again by The First-Born_

_With his godparents taken from him, Timmy finds himself confronted by his dark side, Nega-Timmy, they fuse and become whole once again leaving a darker and stronger Timmy behind. Revenge is on his mind and he's tired of being pushed around, they will pay._

"Jorgen von Strange," imitated Tucker, "You let fairies be taken away and made me lonely person. Nega-Timmy came and put darkness in me and made me live and strong and big now. _You will pay!_"

_8. Feel It All For You by Toxsickbat_

_Timmy has finally had it with Vicky always treating him poorly. He wishes to find out why Vicky is so mean but it turns out to be a lot more than he originally thought. VickxTimmy Please r&r!_

"Timmy/Vicky," mused Sam, "I don't get it. I just don't get it."

_9. Dominance by RachelMS93_

_This is a sequel. You MUST have read 'A Helping Hand' First. If you haven't, go back and read it now. Again I own nothing. This is Anti-Cosmo and Cosmo after their first night together :D RATING M! Contains more M/M and a lemon and lime scene. Enjoy! :D_

"Anti-Cosmo…and Cosmo…together?" mused Danny.

He blinked.

"_Are you crazy?_" he thundered.

_10. The Road to Love by Sad-Truth_

_Timmy, without anyone to talk to except for Chester, struggles to the dangerous road of love. Now that he has no god parents, who will save him? Chip X Timmy R&R!_

"You wanna know the sad truth?" snapped Sam, "It's that this kind of thing can exist."

"Timmy/Chip lemon," I shuddered, "Ugh."

I clicked out.

"Look, we'd do the next two," I mused, "But they're both written by authors I trust, so there's little to mock. Onwards to Bikini Bottom!"

"This is gonna suck," moaned Tucker.

_1. Spongebob Quits! by BIG BOWSER_

_Spongebob quits his job at the Krusty Krab! All hell breaks loose!_

"Y'know, that plot could be written in a lower rating," mused Danny, "But who am I to judge?"

_2. Do Not Enter by XxWormFoodxX_

_Squidward goes to the pineapple to quiet his neighbor down...and ends up regretting it. Spandy PWP oneshot. SemeSandy and UkeSpongeBob Rated M for kinky stuff *perverted grin*_

"PWP," moaned Danny, "That can't be good."

"What does Uke mean?" I asked, scratching my head.

One quick check of Yahoo Answers later, I was regretting asking that question.

_3. Spongebob Sailor Mouth Uncensored by BIG BOWSER_

_Make sure your profanity filter is disabled if you wanna get the best experience : Rated M for strong language and sexual content_

"I'm pretty sure they didn't have sex in Sailor Mouth," mused Sam.

"I know, but canon means nothing to these people," I shrugged.

_4. Can't Wait, Let's Do It Now by spongychic92_

_Patrick pressures SpongeBob to have some "fun" with him in a dressing room at a clothing store. Will SpongeBob refuse or go with it?_

I sighed heavily, and scrolled down.

_5. You belong to me by ActionGal07_

_You belong to me now Squiddy. I am your master." It was forbidden to fall in love with his master, but he did. Now he had become the slave to his every touch, his smiles, his dominance, his obsession. Will two rivals become lovers in the end? R&R!_

"Squilliam and Squidward getting it on?" mused Tucker, "Why is this so popular?"

_6. What could possibly go wrong? by Taki Raisin_

_Spongebob is minding his own buisness when Sandy tells him something he didn't need to hear. Spongebob's life will change forever._

"Troll fic," Danny sighed, "Moving on."

_7. behind closed doors by AkiraXlovesXyaoi_

_ok please just read it i cant write a summary for s**t_

"Slash," I groaned, "Also, worst summary ever."

_8. Skipping Work by gabbi ethicia_

_Mr. Krabs is getting tired of Spongebob playing hooky, but he's doing more than that. He's having intimate moments with Patrick. Spatrick. Rated M for lemons and slash. DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ._

"Spatrick?" mused Sam, "Is that what they're calling it now?"

"More slash," I moaned.

_9. Earn It by Civil Disobediance_

_Spongebob will do anything to get his job back...anything..._

"Rape," I sighed, "Moving on."

_10. Loss Of Dignity by The Cheese Wheel_

_Whats more embarassing than this M TO BE SAFE I don't own spongebob_

"I don't even wanna know what's in here," shuddered Danny.

"For Christmas' sake, can we find something here that _isn't_ pornographic?" I snapped.

_11. Soda at the Treedome by The Cheese Wheel_

_Spongebob went to Sandy's house for some Karate, but Sandy has other plans Rated M for alchohol crap light romance/humor I don't own spongebob_

"Drunkenness," shrugged Tucker, "It's a start."

_12. 100 Stories from Davy Jones's Locker by An Ex-Parrot_

_First literary work that I will consistently work on. You gotta start somewhere I guess. Content of the stories will range from happy-go-lucky to dark and disturbing. Expect one every other day. Rated M for reasons explained at the start of each story._

"Two counts of suicide, one count of slash, two chapters long," explained Danny, "That's the whole story, right there."

"We done?" I asked.

"Yep," sighed Danny, "Guess we can't rate these, can we?"

"We can judge them," shrugged Sam, "And the judgement is that there are a lot of perverts on this site."

"Yeah," nodded Tucker, "Oh, wait a minute…"

He handed me an envelope.

"This came for you," he explained.

I looked it over. Shrugging, I opened it and read the instructions on the envelope.

"Oh no," I spluttered, "Oh…oh no! No…I can't be…No…"

"What is it?" asked Danny.

"Meh, it's another Spongebob badfic," I shrugged, "And guess who's reviewing it with me?"

Danny, Sam and Tucker groaned.

"Well volunteered," I grinned.

_

* * *

Final Verdict for the M-Rated Section._

_Sturgeons Law is very much in effect here.

* * *

_

Tune in next time for a hilariously weird romp involving love potions, failure to understand the legal system and the what seems to be the _Bikini Bottom Mafia._


	14. The Love Potion: Fear and Loathing

This is probably the last really bad one for the year. Next time, we have the contest entires, and something for Christmas. I'll try to work in TLSoulDude's fic as well.

Well, this is the one that made me cry. _Enjoy._

Review Replies;

**Third Kind:** I'm glad you liked it, and it's nice to see you over here! Thanks for reading.

**Wherever Girl:** To be honest, the Danny/Maddie was the only one that really disturbed me. And the porn. And the gratuitous swearing... Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** I used Babelfish because I knew it would come out garbled. Thought it would be funnier (no offense to Spain.) Thanks for the review!

**unknown20troper:** Yeah, I was making it in character to how they'd feel about slash. I'm largely indifferent about it myself (although there is a lot of it). Besides, most of the more disturbing stuff was het (Danny/Maddie..._why?_), so... Anyway, thanks very much!

**Cartooniac55: **You and me both. The M-section is most frightening. Thanks!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Brain bleach would be wonderful about now. XD Thanks for responding!

**TLSoulDude:** Tell me about it. I do not need to know the size of Danny's 'member', thank you very much. X( Thanks for the response!

**Dimentio173:** Very true. That ten percent makes it all worth it. :D Thanks a bunch!  
**

* * *

Review Ten: 'The Love Potion' – Fear and Loathing in Bikini Bottom**

If you've been on my profile lately, you'll have seen the poll asking whether or not I should review 'My Immortal'. Since you're all sadistic, the answer is unanimously 'yes', so I'm gonna be stuck doing that.

However, this is my tenth review, so it should be something even more special then that. With that in mind, we shall return to ye olde days of…well, May, I guess, to review a fic about the character that started us off – Spongebob.

Many of you may remember the Halloween Spectacular, in which I forced Squidward to review 'Insane, Alone'_._ If you're unfamiliar with it, it was much like the Vietnam War – it was poorly-thought out, there were many offensives, it ended in disaster and we don't like to talk about it. It's probably the most awful Spongebob fic I've ever read…

…until now, of course.

This is a tale about questionable substances, murder, death, a useless legal system, corruption and gratuitous swearing. No, it's not Mafia 2! – this is 'The Love Potion.'

(By the way, I'm only kidding, I love you guys…except you, Billy-Joe. You suck.)

* * *

"Well guys," I grinned, "We're on our tenth review! How do you feel?"

Sam, Danny and Tucker shrugged.

"Meh," sighed Sam.

"I'm happy too!" I chuckled, "Now let's get into this."

I clicked open the fic.

_Chapter 1: The Creation:_

"In the beginning," boomed Sam, "The Earth was without form, and void."

"I didn't know you played Civ," mused Tucker.

"So says the guy who owns the My Little Pony movie," snapped Sam, "Own up, I've seen it on your shelf!"

Tucker shifted away from her, red-faced.

_One morning, Sandy Cheeks, the only squirrel in the small city of Bikini Bottom,_

"We _know_," we all said in ustion.

_was working on a brand new science project. She had a lot of science beakers and lots of weird colors inside the beakers: blue, white, green, orange and pink._

"Those colours aren't weird," rebutted Danny.

"Forget it, she's on a roll," sighed Sam.

_"Another botched batch. Why can't I get this right!" She yelled to no one._

"Sandy was finding out that dope was quite hard to make," added Tucker.

I ogled at him.

"_Tucker?_" I gasped.

Tucker shrugged.

_She sighed and began taking each of the beakers over to the scientific waste bucket. She became sad because she couldn't perfect her new project. Her plan was to make a love potion that would heighten the lovey-dovey feelings deep inside a person._

"What could possibly go wrong?" deadpanned Danny.

"Also, _lovey-dovey?_" snapped Sam, "This sounds like the kind of thing Paulina would write!"

"That's a bad sign," I nodded.

_Over the last week, she has been testing it on herself,_

"I'm pretty sure that's highly unethical," I mused.

"Meh, the Wright Brothers did it," shrugged Danny.

"Yes, but that was flight, not emotional manipulation," I replied.

"…speaking of emotional manipulation, you know Sandy's still angry about that chapter," reminded Tucker.

I gulped.

_A bluish-white potion made all of her fur become a pink color, for some reason._

"How do you get 'hair dye' out of 'love potion?'" demanded Danny.

_The orange made Sandy's tongue orange, the white made Sandy shake uncontrollably and the pink made her babble until she made an antidote for all five._

"All of these are very bad omens," stated Tucker, "Seriously, Sandy, you're smarter then this!"

"The author, on the other hand," mused Sam.

_"{Sigh}. All I want is to perfect one, just one, potion that would awaken Spongebob's potential love for me." She sighed._

I sighed.

"Why do I keep getting crappy Spandy fics?" I moaned, "This is disheartening."

_Before she could speak anymore, the first door into Sandy's treedom was knocked on. She let whoever was there in, then the second door opened. There stood Spongebob, wearing his helmet with water inside._

"…as opposed to wearing his helmet with _treacle_ inside," added Danny.

_"Hey, Sandy. What's up?" He asked._

_"Oh, nothin'. Tryin' a new science experiment, but it won't work." Sandy explained._

_"Why don't I help?" Spongebob asked._

_"Oh, y'all don't have to do that!" Sandy said, clearly becoming flustered._

_"Oh, sure. I'll do it." Spongebob began gathering supplies._

"This'll be fun," deadpanned Sam.

_A few hours later, the two had lots of potion drippings over the table and onto the ground. There was one beaker left, that had a whitish-pink-bluish liquid inside. She looked over at Spongebob._

"How can it be whitish-pink-bluish?" asked Danny, "Is it rainbow ice-cream or something?"

"Well," imitated Tucker, "We may not have a love potion, but we've made some darn fine ice-cream!"

_"One more left." She said._

_"Yeah. I hope it is whatever you are experimenting with." Spongebob said, sincerly._

"So…he had no idea what he was making?" exclaimed Danny, "That makes no sense."

_"All right, here I go." Sandy took the beaker and put it to her lips._

"Cut to the funeral," sighed Sam.

_Sandy blushed and felt her whole mind go mushy, not in a bad way._

"So…it's…_good_ brain-mashing?" I quizzed.

"Meh, she's just trying to describe love," shrugged Sam, "And she's horribly, horribly failing."

_She looked over at Spongebob with a lovey-dovey look on her face._

"That line may well be the most unintentional frightening thing I've ever read," mused Tucker.

_"H-h-hey Spongebob."_

"Hey Arnold!" I cut in.

_Spongebob himself began backing up. He had a nervous look on his face._

"He wasn't nervous – he just had a nervous look on his face," added Danny.

_Um, Sandy? Are you okay?" Spongebob asked._

_"I'm fine. Come here and give me a nice hug and kiss!" Sandy leapt at Spongebob, trying to get him to kiss her._

"Wait…could that be interpreted as Sandy _raping _Spongebob?" gasped Danny.

"Bad touch! _Bad touch!_" screamed Tucker.

"That's disgusting!" snapped Sam.

I merely wept for my sanity.

_"Sandy! What the heck is wrong with you?" Spongebob yelled._

_"I love you! I've always love you! Kiss me now!" Sandy yelled, completely taken over by the love potion._

"Y'know," I mused, "I like Timmy/Tootie, yet this is creeping me out," I mused, "Does that make me a hypocrite?"

"Yep," nodded Sam.

"Oh," I muttered, sadly.

_Spongebob didn't waste any time. He was flustered when Sandy said, "I love you", but he hurried the hell out of there._

"So, when a girl says she loves you, you immediately run away," sighed Tucker, "Way to go."

"She was trying to _rape him!_" snapped Danny.

_He shoved his helmet off in a random place_

"…and died of suffocation. Story's over, lets go!" grinned Tucker, getting off his seat.

Sam pulled him back.

_Spongebob! Come back here! I-I love you!" She cried out._

"How do you know that?" mused Sam, "How do you know it's not the potion talking?"

"Shut up and read," I sighed.

She kicked me in the shins.

_By now, Spongebob was halfway home. He got to his pineapple, locked the door and sat in the living room. He had a blush over his cheeks. He couldn't believe that Sandy had said, "I love you" to him. He knows how long he had been waiting for her to say that and that was when he first met her. Spongebob went to bed later that night, his thoughts buzzing around his head._

"He considered getting a rape whistle," I added.

_Chapter 2: The New Couple?:_

"She does realise that she doesn't need the dots on the end, right?" asked Danny.

_The next morning, Spongebob woke up and went to get the mail. He saw a bunch of roses and a card sitting on his doorstep._

"He noticed this because he stepped on the roses, and his foot was bleeding," added Sam.

_"Dear Spongebob:_

_Y'all may not have heard me last night, when I told you I love you. I do, so bad. I have kept these feelings in forever, ever since I met y'all in that field that one day when y'all tried to save me from that clam. I was gonna ask, and I'm not sure if you want to, but i was wondering if y'all wanted to be a couple with me. if so, met me at the treedome at eight for dinner._

"P.S." I added, "Tell Patrick to give back my lawnmower."

"Hey, read that out loud," mused Sam, "Is it just me, or does the flow to that letter sound really bad?"

_Spongebob blushed. He smiled the way he usually smiled and leaned against the doorway, sighing. He laid the card and the roses on his square chest. He snapped out of it and walked back inside, shutting his metal door._

"Yes," deadpanned Danny, "Describing the door was totally necessary."

_Later that night, Spongebob, dressed fancy in a black tuxedo and one of the red roses, walked to Sandy's treedome. He was still nervous about how she acted yesterday, but he was overjoyed that she loved him back. He had his doubts about how Sandy was gonna act tonight. She had been acting strange ever since she took that strange potion yesterday. Oh well, he had shrugged off._

"…so you're telling me that he _doesn't suspect the potion at all?_" asked Tucker.

"Forget it, he has to be stupid for the plot to work," sighed Sam.

_Spongebob got to the treedome, took a huge swig of water from the sea and placed the now full helmet over his head, and knocked. The door swung open and Spongebob stood in the hallway between the two doors. The water drained, while Spongebob straightened his tux. He knocked on the second door and after a few seconds, it opened. Sandy wore a purple dress and silver jewelery. Her brown fur was brushed back so she looked even more beautiful._

"Just describe everything," sighed Sam, "Leave _nothing_ to our imaginations. I mean, it's only a wall of text."

_The two walked over to a table,_

"Which one?" asked Tucker, "I had trouble picking from Sandy's _hundreds _of tables!"

_The plates had a sort of casserole on it, and the bowls had a soup in them._

"There were also _a_ drink and _a _cup," said Sam, expressionlessly.

_The look that Sandy was giving Spongebob made him feel lovey-dovey inside._

"Stop using that word!" Sam snapped.

_The two ate in silence, occasionally looking up to have a small conversation._

"Do you like…spoons?" I asked.

_At the end of the dinner, Sandy asked, out of the blue: "Um, does this mean that you want to become a couple?"_

"That's abrupt," mused Danny, "It's like walking into a fancy dinner and calmly telling a guy that you wrecked his car."

There was a short silence.

"…yeah, that wasn't a good day," sighed Danny, "He was _not_ happy."

_Spongebob dropped his spoon. He went a beet red._

_"Um, m-maybe." He stuttered, looking down at his feet._

_"Wait, if y'all want to wait for a while, it'll be fine." Sandy said, losing her smile._

_"No! I-I mean, no, I do want to take the next step. I want to be a couple." His face was a deep maroon_

"You know, maroon is actually a shade of purple," stated Tucker.

"So…he's been poisoned?" I asked.

"Well, it ends this fic more quickly," shrugged Sam.

_"Okay. If that is what you want." Sandy took Spongebob's hands in hers. She smiled, but inside, she was cheering. The love potion had taken over her emotions, and she was struggling to keep steady in case he said no._

_"Um, did you wanna kiss or something?" Spongebob asked. He immediatly regretted it. He wished he could take it back._

_"Sure, of course I do." Sandy agreed. Her cheering got louder._

_The two turned to face one another, and Sandy lifted the helmet from his head. Spongebob took in a deep gulp before the helmet came off. Sandy and Spongebob looked deep into each others eyes, and smiled. They leaned forward and locked lips. There was an intense spark as their lips touched. It went on for what felt like hours. Spongebob gulped the rest of the water so his throat didn't dry up and he had to go to the helmet and get water._

"Caaaaaan you feel the love tonight?" I sung, "As he's facially raaaaaaped…"

"I guess he doesn't…really mind stalkers…" sang Danny

"…and I still wanna huuuuuuuurl!" finished Sam.

_Chapter 3: Something's Different About You..._

"Oh, _now _he realises!" snapped Danny.

_He didn't realize then, but he was smiling so bright, it scared people as he walked past on the way to work._

"Oh my god!" I gasped, "It's government mind control! It's all part of the Nazi-Communist-Muslim-Atheist-Catholic-Monarchical-Imperialistic-Iranian-Freemason Conspiracy to control the world!"

There was a short silence.

"That made no sense," snapped Tucker, at last, "You fail."

_Squidward, however, had noticed the sponge come in, but when he walked past, he hadn't said a word. He was confused. On top of that, he seemed to be smiling a little bit more. Freaky. He decided to see what was up._

"Yeah," deadpanned Danny, "Because he just _hates_ it when Spongebob ignores him."

_At closing time, Spongebob's smile had worn down a little bit, but he was still smiling. Squidward was still suspicious, so he followed Spongebob. He was going a totally different way than what he usually takes. Now, Squidward doesn't care about Spongebob, or anyone for that matter, but he was suspicious at Spongebob's sudden increase of happiness._

_Spongebob headed towards a dome-shaped house with a tree inside. Squidward had seen this place, and it belonged to someone. He just couldn't remember..._

"He'd known he shouldn't have messed with the Memory Charm that day," added Tucker.

_He snapped out of it when he saw Spongebob go inside. He wore a helmet over his head, filled with sea water. He walked into the house and then into a second door and met with a squirrel that was wearing a long, purple dress! Squidward got an evil look on his face._

_"Heh-heh. Spongebob's got a girlfriend. This is so juicy." Squidward said to himself. He chuckled a couple more times and ran off into the night, ready for tomorrow._

"…what are you, the tabloids?" I demanded.

_The next morning, Spongebob wore an equally happy smile from yesterday. But, this time, when he entered into the Krusty Krab, Squidward began laughing at him. Spongebob's smile diminished a little._

_"What is it, Squidward? Is there another kissy mark on my forehead?" Spongebob asked, rubbing his forehead._

_"No! Ha ha ha ha! Y-You've-" Squidward was laughing so hard at the fact Spongebob had a girlfriend. He thought it was ridiculous because he thought no girl would want him because he was annoying._

"Apparently, Squidward has all the maturity of a six-year-old," sighed Sam, "This is _so_ canon compliant."

_Spongebob, however, did not find this funny. He ran into the bathroom and looked for any kind of kissy mark on his forehead. Thankfully, he saw none, but he was stuck wondering: what is Squidward laughing at? Spongebob checked his teeth for any spinach that could have gotten in, and then checked for some food on his face. Nothing._

_Spongebob left the bathroom and went into the back. While he was flipping patties, he heard Squidward's laughing all day. It annoyed even Spongebob, who laughs a lot._

_At closing time, Spongebob decided to confront Squidward._

"Hey Squidward?" imitated Danny in a high-pitched tone, "Why are you acting so out of character?"

_"Move, Spongebrain. I need to go home and pamper myself."_

"Ooh! Good one, Biff Squidward!" cheered Tucker, mockingly.

"NO, you are staying here until you tell me why you were laughing at me earlier." Spongebob said.

_"Uh, no." Squidward tried to shove his way out, but Spongebob kept his feet planted._

_"No."_

_"Move."_

_"No."_

_"Move."_

_"NO!"_

"Is it just me, or is anyone else imagining that last 'no' as huge, dramatic, long drawn out _'Nooooooo?_'" I asked.

"It's just you," sighed Sam.

_"Move, square-for-brains. I want to go home." Squidward demanded._

_"Not until you tell me why you were laughing at me earlier." Spongebob demanded also._

_"Ugh, fine. If it'll let me go home sooner. I was suspicious of your little actions yesterday, so I followed you. You went into that squirrels house, I forget her name-"_

_"Her name is Sandy." Spongebob cut in._

_"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. You went into Sandy's house and then I saw you give her a kiss on the lips. So, I assumed, correctly, that you have a girl-girl-girl-ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Squidward began his laughter again._

"You're a mean one, Mister Squid," I began to sing.

"No," deadpanned Sam.

"Aw, come on!"

_"That is not funny! I love Sandy and she loves me! So don't laugh at me!" Spongebob yelled, overpowering anger taking over. He had to defend Sandy!_

_"It is so funny! You, having a girlfriend!" Squidward laughed._

_"Grrrrrrrrrrrr...you...you...you...you...f**king jerk!_

The room became so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

"…what did he say?" whispered Danny.

"I…I…he said…" stuttered Tucker, "…I feel _dirty_ now."

"Worst part is," I shuddered, "I censored that bit myself. In the _actual_ text…"

A single tear fell from my eye. It was all downhill from here.

_Leave me alone, you jerk!" Spongebob snapped and stomped out the door. Since Squidward was by the door, he got a face full of door as revenge. He fell back and hit his head on the floor, knocking himself out. It wouldn't be until early the next morning that he would be found, because he hit his head so hard._

_When he was found, however, he was taken to the hospital_

"OK, all connections to Spongebob canon have just died," snapped Sam, "This is now Crazy Square Guy, got it?"

_Warning: Lots of language in this chapter!_

I gave an anguished scream.

_"Um, hey, Squidward." Spongebob began._

_"Get away from me, Spongebob. You almost killed me!" Squidward snarled._

_"I deserve that. Here." Spongebob held out some flowers, with a get well card. Squidward rudely ripped it up and dumped it into the garbage can next to him._

_"I don't want your flowers, your cards, your apologies, nothing! Understand? You're just lucky that I am not ordering a restraining order on you." Squidward said, crossing his tentacles over his chest._

"All this drama, and they're talking about Squidward getting a booby on a door," sighed Sam.

_Spongebob put on a sad face and began walking out. He shut the door behind him and began crying out of shame and pain. He ran all the way to Sandy's treedome. He put on an extra helmet she had and ran in when the time came. He curled up by Sandy and cried while she soothed him._

_"I-I-I j-j-j-just w-w-w-w-w-wanted to apologize!" Spongebob heaved sobs._

_"It's okay, sweetie. You tried. That stupid bastard doesn't want to hear about it." Sandy assured._

"That 'stupid bastard' is a hospital patient!" snapped Danny.

"Forget it," sighed Sam, "Logic doesn't apply here."

_Sandy carried Spongebob bridal/groom style upstairs to her guest room and he fell asleep. Sandy, on the other hand, was bent on revenge. She got dressed and stomped to the hospital._

"…I don't like where this is going," I whimpered, gripping Danny's hand.

Danny growled, and I quickly let go.

_Ignoring the nurses yelling at her, Sandy stomped towards Squidward's room when she got the information out of a nurse. She kicked the door open, waking a sleeping Squidward. He gasped._

_"Get out of here, Spongebob! I will enforce a restraining order on you, you little square asshole!" Squidward yelled._

"Go on, imagine Squidward saying that," demanded Danny, "It doesn't work, does it?"

_"Oh, it's you. Ha ha ha ha ha. You're Spongebob's girlfriend! Why do you want to date him anyway? He's annoying as hell!" Squidward huffed._

_"He's...annoying? Oh, is that what you think?" Sandy asked._

_"Yeah, he's an annoying little hellraiser." Squidward said, wondering where this was going._

_"You...better...shut...the...hell...up...about...my...boyfriend!" Sandy ran at Squidward with a horrible, murderous rage. He began choking violently._

_Just then, doctors came in and held Sandy down while she kicked and screamed. Nobody messed with her boyfriend, especially if they made him cry!_

"…so she tries to _kill Squidward_ because _he made Spongebob cry?_" snapped Sam, "What is this, _The Godfather Part IV: Under the Sea?_"

"I'd pay to see that," grinned Tucker.

_The next morning, Spongebob awoke in Sandy's treedome, still wearing the helmet of sea water. He got up and went to use her bathroom. As he waited downstairs, Spongebob thought something was off. Sandy would be up by now, and she should be making a good breakfast for Spongebob. He shrugged and turned on the T.V. Just then, a news report came on that made Spongebob spit out his coffee._

"Oh my gosh!" imitated Danny, "They're raising seanut brittle prices!"

_"Last night, there was a report from several nurses that a rampant, madwoman-no-squirrel_

"That's the last time we tune into the Racist Channel," mused Sam.

_tore through the hospital and burst into a patients room, where she preceded to choke him. She was restrained and taken to the police station. Here is the victim of this attack." The camera went to no one else, but Squidward!_

_"Yeah, she came in and started yelling. When I tried to defend myself, she began choking me." He said._

_"Do you intend to press charges?" The newsfish asked._

_"Not right now. Maybe." Squidward shrugged. A surge of anger went through Spongebob._

_"Damn you, Squidward. You asshole." He muttered._

"Yeah Squidward," snapped Tucker, "How _dare_ you press charges for attempted murder, how _dare_ you? You are clearly in the wrong!"

_Chapter 5: Meanwhile...:_

"At this rate, I'd be surprised if it wasn't Vito for Mafia 2 joining in," I muttered.

_While all this crap was going on with the asshole squid and the wonderful couple,_

"No bias here!" grinned Danny.

_a "mastermind" had problems of his own. He had been trying to get a certain formula for years now, trying to steal it so he'll have all the customers, not Mr. Krabs. Yes, it is_

"Sylvester Stallone," finished Sam.

"Now _that_ would be awesome," agreed Tucker.

_"Damn it! Why can't I think of anything? I've used up all my schemes, plans and even the tiniest little planned out schemes! Don't just sit there, Karen, help me!" Plankton turned to his computer wife._

_"What? You want me to help you plan to steal the formula now?" She asked in a monotone._

_"Yes, Karen. Now." Plankton said, trying to control his anger._

"I am very angry right now," added Danny, expressionlessly.

_Just then, a group of ultra tough guys came into the Chum Bucket._

_"Youse guys knows where we can find a villain to help us?" One of the men asked._

"Youse?" I snapped, "Sounds a bit like the stereotype for…aw, come on!"

"Yep," sighed Danny, "They're probably the Mafia."

_Chapter 6: The Courthouse:_

"Well that was a short chapter," mused Tucker.

"Good!" Danny, Sam and I cheered.

_"S-S-Sandy C-Cheeks, please?" Spongebob asked._

_"Sure, come follow me." The cop lead Spongebob to her cell. Sandy was growling under her breath. Spongebob caught snippets of her words._

_"Stupid...asshole...needs...injury..."_

"That's not helping your case," said Sam.

_"Um, Sandy?" He asked, approaching her quietly. Her attitude brightened up considerably when she saw him._

_"Hey, sweetie! Did you come to bail me out?" She asked._

_"Yes, but you have to answer a couple of questions first." Spongebob said._

_"Questions? Like?" Sandy looked confused, but she knew where this was heading. She heard the cops T.V showing a broadcast from that asshole squids hospital bedroom._

_"Why did you assault Squidward?" Spongebob asked._

_"Because, he hurt you. i can't just stand by and let people hurt you." Sandy said._

_"That's no excuse. You can't just hurt people when i get hurt. Look, if you don't stop this, I-I-I just might have to break up with you." Spongebob said._

_"What? No! You are NOT breaking up with me! Understand?" Sandy screamed, grabbing Spongebob's shirt. He yelped in suprise and pain._

_"Hey! Stop it!" Spongebob yelled._

_"YOU! ARE! NOT! BREAKING! UP! WITH! ME!" Sandy screamed._

_"Let me go! Cops!" Spongebob screamed. The cops pulled Sandy's hands away. Spongebob turned towards the exit and said, turning around, "It's over. J-just, it's over." Spongebob turned to the cop. "Keep her here." And he walked out._

_"Don't y'all leave me!" Sandy screamed as he walked away. Spongebob kept going._

"This would be dramatic if it wasn't so over-the-top," mused Sam.

_"Now hearing the case of Squidward Q. Tentacles and Sandy Cheeks. From the file I was handed, on the evening of March 6th, Ms. Sandy Cheeks went into the hospital room at approximately 11:15 P.M and began assaulting Mr. Tentacles here. Is this true?" The judge asked._

_"Yes, sir. It is correct. She burst in and yelled at me, saying horrible stuff." Squidward said._

_"Hold it! He had yelled at my boyfriend-well-ex-boyfriend, and it made me so mad-" Sandy was cut off._

_"That will be all, Ms. Cheeks. Any more outbursts and we will be forced to send you to contempt." The judge said. She sat down angrily. "You may procede."_

_"Thank you. She did come in at about 11:15, while I was getting ready to sleep. She began telling me off for doing something earlier that day. When I refused to comply for something I did not even do, she attacked me by beating me-" He pointed to his bruises on his cheeks, chin, on his mouth and on his tentacles._

_"Gasp!" The crowd gasped. Spongebob scowled._

_"-and then choking me." Squidward finished dramatically. He pointed to his marks on his neck._

_"Wow."_

_"Geez. What did he do to her that she could have done this?"_

_"Yeah. Someone should lock her away."_

_"I agree."_

_The judge banged his gavel. "Now, would the defense now speak?" He asked._

_"Gladly. First of all, this man was accidentally injured while in a confrontation with my former boyfriend. He had been admitted to the hospital and when he refused to accept his apologies, I had to go and tell him to apologize. Unfortunately, he chose to talk smack about him and it made me so mad, I-" Sandy was cut off._

_"That will be enough. Jury, I dismiss you to the back to decide her final fate."_

"…so, Squidward gets to speak freely for about an age and a half, and the defense gets half a minute," I mused, "That doesn't sound right."

_"Good, good. Now, take her away, where she will spend 6 months in prison, then spend 3 months in anger therapy." The judge banged his gavel, making the sentence final. Guards came and took Sandy to prison. She was dragged by Spongebob, and he looked down, ashamed at her. She left the courthouse in the back of a police car, heading for the jail._

_A couple of months pass, and _

"Whoa, back up!" exclaimed Danny, "You can't randomly skip two months mid scene! You need a line break!"

"Forget it, she's on a roll," sighed Sam.

Spongebob wakes up to see Sandy on his doorstep one morning. He puts on his angry face and puts his hands on his square hips.

_"Spongebob." She said._

_"Sandy." Spongebob replied, still angry._

_"Look, I'm sorry. I was way out of hand a few months ago. The potion was controlling me almost. My desires were for you, Spongebob, and I swear that the potion wore off one morning._

"Oh, how _convenient_," snapped Sam.

_Even with the potion, I was deeply in love with you. The reason I acted so horrible was...was...I couldn't stand the fact that you were being bullied, i guess. if that counts as bullying. But, I had good behavior while I was in there and got freed in two and a half months." Sandy explained._

_"Look, potion or no potion, we are still broken up. I'm sorry." Spongebob shut the door and leaned against it, fighting tears. Sandy left, sighing. While she turned to leave, a group of men came from nowhere and grabbed Sandy. They shoved a clothed bag over her head and ran off with her._

"…and she couldn't fight back _because…_" I asked, "Anyway, the next chapter's pretty dull, it's just Plankton finding out about the potion and resolving to steal it, leading to above kidnapping. That should not be dull, but it is. Anyway, here's where it gets…interesting."

_What could have been hours later, two of Plankton's henchmen came back, with their master with them. He was laughing evilly._

_"Ha, ha ha! Now that we have you prisoner, we can force you to give us the potion!" He cackled._

_"Potion? Oh, that? Why do you want my love potion?" Sandy asked._

_"We don't want the whole potion, only what is inside it!" Plankton yelled._

"…and you know what's inside it…how?" asked Sam.

"I dunno, lets just finish this," I sighed.

_"Depends. What ingredients did you put in it?" Plankton asked, getting an evil smile on his face._

_"Let's see: a purple liquid, some little spices or something, some-ohhh...I get what you're getting at! You are not getting the formula from me!" Sandy yelled._

_"Too late. All I needed was to learn was that there was a purple liquid inside. That is the key to getting the plan to work!" Plankton laughed._

"…and you need the purple liquid…why?" asked Tucker.

_"You are never going to get the formula from me! I won't let you!" Sandy screeched._

_"Oh, really? And who is gonna stop me? That annoying sponge? I know all of your little adventures with him. You were a couple until you went nuts on him, causing him to break up with you. Now, since that assult charge on that equally annoying squid, you have tried to get back with him, but my henchmen saw that you were rejected, and thought that was the perfect opportunity to kidnap you." Plankton explained._

_"You son of a b***h..." Sandy spat._

"Plankton," I growled in a gravely voice, "You magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!"

_"Now, now. There's no need for name-calling. Now, tell me where your potion is, or else..." Plankton smirked._

_"Or else what? I ain't afraid of you." Sandy said, looking at the tiny protozoa._

_"Oh, but you'll be afraid of these guys. Oh, boys?" Plankton siced his henchmen on Sandy. One pulled a switchblade out and one stood on her._

"Eew," shuddered Tucker, "That sounds _wrong_."

"Shh," Danny hissed, "Don Plankton is talking!"

_"Wait, wait. By scaring her, you should just...just...oh! Remove her helmet. She is a land creature." Plankton said._

_"What?" Sandy's eyes went wide._

_"Yeah, she is, isn't she?" The first henchmen smirked._

_"Yeah. Let's do it!" The second reached for her helmet. Sandy was kicking and screaming. She was gonna die!_

"Yeah, this is what you think about when you think of Spongebob," nodded Danny, "_Murder._"

_Meanwhile, across town, Spongebob was regretting his actions earlier. He had broken off with Sandy because she was beginning to act psycho. He wished he could redo it all. He laid back, in his bed, and shut his eyes, smiling. Then, he got a tingle. Not a bad one, but one that someone, somewhere nearby, was in trouble._

"His spider-sense was tingling!" added Danny.

_While that was going on, Sandy was holding onto her breath as long as she could. She knew it wouldn't last forever, and she was certain she was gonna die unless something was done. She couldn't take it anymore. The stress on her lungs was way too much. She gasped out her answer._

_"F-f-f-f-f-f-fiiiiiinnnnne...iiiiitttt isss inn mmmyyy ttttreeehoousse!" She felt her lungs burst with a fire. She needed air soon!_

_"Good. Where?" Plankton asked. He rested on the second henchmen's shoulder._

_"Iiiiiiinnnnnn ttttthhhe uuuunnnndeerground lllllab!" Sandy felt her whole body begin to shut down._

_"Good, now come on men. Let's go steal that recipe!" Plankton left, laughing insanely. Sandy was left, without her helmet, dying on the dungeon floor._

"OK, Plankton is evil," Danny admitted, "But he's not _that_ evil!"

"…since when did Sandy have an underground lab?" asked Tucker.

"Meh, it's fanon," I shrugged.

_He looked strangely familiar... "Spppponngebob?" She asked, then went into complete blackness._

"That's the end of the story," I grinned as a got up, "Let's go home!"

Danny dragged me back into my seat and pressed the 'next chapter' button.

_Sandy woke up in a dark room. She looked around and found that she was breathing regularly again. She sighed a breath of relief and putting her hand down, she saw she could see through it!_

_"What the-?" Sandy asked herself. She studied herself further. Her whole body seemed to be see-through! When she looked down...down? She was scrambling to wonder where she was. Then it hit her: Plankton had made her suffocate by taking her air away and left her to die, so she did! She was dead! Sandy felt tears of sorrow, anger and depression. Then she noticed that Spongebob was beside her dead body, crying!_

_"Spongebob..." she whispered. She went closer and heard his conversation._

_"Sandy...why...why did they kill her?" He was sobbing real tears!_

_"Oh, Spongebob..." She whispered again. Sandy was now determined to return to his body and come back to Spongebob. She grunted and threw herself downward. She was trying to force herself back! Then there was a bright light and she opened her eyes._

_"Oh! Wow, damn." Sandy panted. She looked around. She was back in her body! "I did it!" She yelled out._

"In the hands of a good author, like Cartooniac or SOLmaster, that could have made me cry," I sighed, "Here, it sounds like…"

"…like an allegory for constipation," snapped Sam.

Danny and Tucker stared at her.

"Oh, come on!" she snapped, "No-one else was gonna say it!"

_"Returned to my body! I was dead, and I forced myself back into my body!" Sandy said._

_"Really? I'm glad you are okay, Sandy._

"Alright then!" stated Tucker, in an upper-class English accent, "Shall we have at that Plankton blighter, what?"

_Meanwhile, Plankton and his henchmen had broken into the treedome, stole some helmets and filled them with water. They were in the underground lab, tearing it up. There was beaker fluid everywhere. Plankton opened a wood cabinet and saw the love potion. He laughed evilly and reached out for it. Just then, the door to the previously shut lab door and Spongebob, wearing a helmet full of water, and Sandy, wearing an air helmet and just in her bikini outfit._

"We all _really _needed to know that, apparently," nodded Sam, sardonically, "Just so we can all be reminded of that scene in Karate Island. Oh, the _nostalgia_."

"Bu-but I like Karate Island," I whimpered.

I was ignored.

_Oh, I thought you'd be home, and you would be dead." Plankton said, turning around with the beaker in her hand._

_"You'd be suprised. Spongebob here saved me just in time." Sandy said, smiling at her boyfriend._

_"Damn. Well, no matter. I have to formula to get the Krabby Patty formula! You can't stop me!" Plankton laughed evilly._

"This is the first time we hear about his plan," sighed Danny.

_"Yes, we can! Sandy, karate poses!" Spongebob yelled. The two formed a karate stance. Plankton laughed evilly._

_"Really? Let's see who becomes the victor here!" Plankton said, handing the beaker to for his henchmen to hold on to. The two teams rushed at one another, determined to stop the other._

"Epic fight time!" I grinned.

_It was a couple of hours later, and both groups were exausted._

"…or not," I sighed.

_They had bruises and had blood all over them. Plankton had his share of bruises and blood on him, from Spongebob and Sandy stomping on them. Spongebob leapt in the air and kicked the hell out of the henchmen. He fell to the floor, coughing up blood. Plankton took this opportunity to sneak over to the dead henchmen, not the one that was recently killed, and grabbed the potion._

"…Spongebob and Sandy…k-k-killed people?" I gasped.

"I'm afraid so," sighed Danny, solemnly.

I burst into tears.

_"Where is Plankton?" Spongebob asked._

_"I don't know. Uh-oh." Sandy came to a realization. She ran out of the room, Spongebob in tow, and they ran to the elevator upstairs. By the time they got to the top floor, the treedome, Spongebob and Sandy saw that Plankton was almost out of the treedome. He was laughing giddily._

_"Ha ha ha ha! I'm finally gonna get the recipe after I am done with mixing this recipe!" Plankton laughed._

"That line is psychedelic, maaaaan," I breathed.

_"Damn you, Plankton! You are gonna give me it!" Spongebob screamed._

_"Spongebob, you are not gonna get nowhere talking like that. You have got to FIGHT them!" Sandy rushed at the teeny little sea creature. He was knocked aside from Sandy's foot. He spit out blood and a few teeth._

_"Take it easy, squirrel, and rest...forever!" He pulled out a ray gun he had secretly hidden on himself. Sandy dodged out of the way and used her karate gloves to hit Plankton over the head...er...squash him. She kept at it until he screamed for mercy!_

"Sandy wins!" boomed Danny, "_Squish-tality!_"

_"Ready to give up, yet?" Sandy asked._

_"I-I-I-I got you! Henchmen!" Plankton called on another mysterious henchmen that bound up Sandy in the air and tied Spongebob to her back! They were hauled back to the Chum Bucket._

"That was embarrassingly quick," Sam sighed.

_"You'll never get away with this!" Spongebob yelled. He was dangling above a pot of super hot chum that was part of Plankton's menu for a while, but it failed because so many people got sick from it._

"What?" demanded Danny, "What is this, James Bond?"

"No, no, Mr. Squarepants, I expect you to die!" exclaimed Tucker.

"Lame," snapped Sam.

_"Oh, I will. Once you two pests are out of the way, I can use the chemical in the potion to finally get the Krabby Patty formula!" Plankton cheered._

_"Damn you, Plankton, you stupid little b***h!" Sandy screamed._

"NOT MORE _F**KING_ SWEARING!" I swore.

_"Now, while you are being lowered to your doom, I can mix the existing formula with the purple chemical and I'll be on my way to the Krusty Krab." Plankton laughed. Sandy got an idea. She got suggestive._

_"Oh...Plankton...you are so cute when you speak science-y. How about this: I join you in this insane conquest for the Krabby Patty recipe." Sandy smiled._

"…this is demeaning," groaned Sam.

_"Hush." Sandy whispered. Plankton lowered Sandy down beside the cauldron and cut her free. She sauntered next to Plankton and lifted him up. Plankton laughed evilly and lowered Spongebob down towards the boiling chum._

_"Sandy! Help! Stop listening to him!" Spongebob cried out._

_"Sorry. I love Plankton now, because he is all science-y." Sandy shrugged._

_"Well, then, my squirrel queen, let's go rule Bikini Bottom together." Plankton reached for Sandy's hand, causing Spongebob to scream out in horror._

_"!" He thrashed._

_The two barely left the room when Sandy pulled out a knife she had hidden in her bikini._

"…Sandy…has…a…knife…in…her…bikini…" I uttered, shocked.

"It's nearly done," sighed Danny, "Hang in there."

"No," I snapped, "It ends _now_."

I closed the window, and gave a summary of the rest of the fic.

"Long story short, Sandy_ recommends killing Plankton_, but thankfully it doesn't happen and the boys in blue lock him up for life…without trial. There's some more chapters, but I cannot bear to continue."

I sighed, and ruffled my hair.

"Well, guys," I grinned weakly, "We made it past the low point of our career. I think we can agree that there can be nothing, _nothing _worse then this…"

"…you still have to review 'My Immortal,'" reminded Danny.

"Oh yeah," I growled, "Because my readers are making me do that."

I got off my seat and looked at the camera.

"Well, _lads and lasses_," I growled, "You who make me crawl through the dirt and mud of Fanfiction! You who have laughed at my misfortune, you who have waited eagerly for my pain! I have one thing to say to you!"

My expression changed from twisted fury to a genuine smile.

"Thank you all for your support," I thanked, sincerely, "It's been a blast, and I could not have done all this without you."

"Yeah, you guys are awesome!" grinned Danny.

"Indeed," I nodded, "So I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed this fic, and indeed all of my stories. You're the lifeblood behind this machine, and…well, this train's still running strong."

I waved, and walked away, whistling to myself.

"…anyone remember to tell him about the pack of dogs outside?" asked Tucker.

There was the sound of barking, a girlish scream, and then frenzied running.

"Didn't think so."

**

* * *

Final Rating of 'The Love Potion' by cheeze13.**

_Danny Fenton: 1/10._

_Sam Manson: 0/10._

_Tucker Foley: 1/10._

_E350: 0/10._

_Total: 2/40._


	15. Toy Story Prdy: Username Says Everything

Found this. Had to do it. Sorry, TL, but Lord of Souls is coming sooner then you'd expect..

Review replies;

**Sgt. Reynol:** Can somebody tell me why I keep reading these things? XD Thanks for reading.

**RandomNumbers523156: **Hit the nail on the head there, mate. Thanks for the review!

**Dimentio713:** Oh, I think Trixie's True Self is just a bit worse then this. Maggots and germs, I suppose. XD Thanks for reviewing!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** Given my rating system, I'd say a two is pretty bad. (Most of the stuff on the site hits between 15-25.) Thanks very much!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Stuff's just in it for the rating, really. If you can do it well, great. If you can't, you look like an idiot. Anyway, thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** Thanks for the compliment! :D

**Third Kind:** If you did it, it would be much, much better, I'll say. :D Thanks!

**Cartooniac55:** Challenge fics are next up _I said for the umpteenth time._ Anyway, congrats on getting the reference! Thanks for dropping in.

**TLSoulDude:** If I could stand to prink it out, it _would_ burn. X( Anyway, thanks exceedingly!  
**

* * *

Review Eleven – 'Titanic Disaster's Toy Story' – The Name Says It All**

Ah, fanmakes. You either love them or you hate them, but you can't ignore them.

It is, of course, possible to write a good fanmake/parody/whatchamacallit. I have seen a few. However, it's also very possible to make a bad one. Those which copy the exact script of the original, those that use poor, poor casting choices…yep, these are the kind I'm talking about today.

Case in point, this. It's a bit…off.

Remember how I said that I wouldn't be reviewing anymore badfic this year?

I lied.

* * *

"Welcome once again to my glorious people's review room!" I exclaimed in a bad Russian accent, "Today, I'm here with Danny, Sandy and a special guest…Jazz Fenton!"

Jazz waved.

"Well, let's get into this," sighed Danny.

_The story takes place in a bedroom of Bart Simpson, a ten-year-old boy with spiked hair, an orange shirt and blue shorts and shoes._

"Bart Simpson as Andy," groaned Danny, "This isn't going to end well."

"Yeah, wouldn't he make a better Sid?" mused Jazz, "Maybe this author's got a creative way to swing this…"

_He set boxes all over his room to play with his toys,_

"…and maybe he doesn't," finished Danny.

_"All right, you lot! This is a stickup! Don't ever move!" Bart said as Stitch. The toys weren't moving but crowded because Bart had put them there in front of the box labeled "Bank" on it. "Now empty the safe at once!"_

_Bart then brought the cow named Otis and used him to open the safe, and he poured all the money out._

_"Woo hoo hoo! Money, money, money!" Bart said as Stitch._

"Wow. These lines sound remarkably familiar," I deadpanned.

_Bart then brought an action figure known as Sandy Cheeks. "Knock it off, you furry varmint!" he said as Sandy._

_"Quiet, Cheeks," Bart said as Stitch, "or it will be your last!"_

_"Oh, no! Not that! Somebody stop him!" Bart said as Sandy._

There was a short silence.

"They've…got me…as Bo Peep," stated Sandy, slowly.

There was a brief pause.

"OK, now, take it easy…" began Danny.

Sandy grabbed the computer from my desk, and hurled it at the wall, smashing it to pieces. She then proceeded to stamp on the remains, yelling obscenities.

"_Noooo!_" I yelled, as the destroyed remnants of the computer were thrown out the window, "The Black Ops patch was _one day away!_"

As I sobbed into my hands, Danny and Jazz glanced at each other.

"I guess we're gonna need to review something else," sighed Danny.

"How?" asked Jazz, "The computer's been destroyed."

Sandy marched up to the table.

"_Which varmint gave him that?_" she growled.

"Cartooniac," shrugged Danny, "But I don't think we need to invade her house again."

Sandy nodded.

"Alright," she snarled, "Who's the most prominent author in the X-Overs section?"

"Batthan," replied Jazz.

"NO! _ANYTHING_ but that!" I screamed.

"Alright, who's the second-most prominent?" asked Sandy.

"TLSoulDude," replied Danny, "Y'know, the Lunatic's brother?"

Sandy nodded…and pulled out a harpoon gun.

_

* * *

One forced abduction later…_

**_Real_ Review Eleven – 'The Lord of Souls REMIX' – Sorry, No Trance.**

At an unidentified restaurant with free Wi-Fi, our group had converged around a laptop borrowed from Tucker. We were no longer alone.

TLSoulDude sat, tied to a chair, at the head of the table, demanding to know what was going on.

"What the heck is going on?" he snapped, "Why am I here?"

"Through a weird roundabout loop of authority in the Cartoon X-Overs section," I replied, "We deducted that you are the leader of the section by the sheer consideration that you were the most notable of parody writers that wouldn't attempt to kill us for past transgressions. With that in mind, we have forced you to assist us in reviewing one of your old shames."

"…then why did you shoot me with a harpoon gun?" he demanded.

We ignored the question.

"OK, there's fifty chapters to this, and they're all pretty long," mused Jazz, "What do you say we stick to the first few?"

"Alright," I nodded, "No offence, mate."

"As long as we get this done," sighed TL.

_Chapter 1: Arrival of Darkness_

"…now arriving on Platform Six," added Danny.

"Funny name for a train," I mused.

_A teenage boy, around sixteen years of age, was fast asleep. He had a red jacket, a yellow shirt underneath with a black symbol on it, khaki gloves, matching capri pants, and a similar colored hat with goggles. He had slightly tanned skin, purple eyes, and spiky brown hair. His name was Takuya Kanbara (Digimon Frontier)._

"Using the Japanese naming," mused Jazz, "Interesting."

"That guy was Tai, right?" I mused.

"You've both got the wrong series," deadpanned TL.

"Oh," I replied, "Was it that one where they actually turned into the Digimon, then?"

"Yeah, it's that one," nodded TL.

"Ah," I grinned, "I remember that one. I watched in fourth grade…ah, good times, good times."

"Can we actually read this?" sighed Danny.

_Takuya's Thought: I've been having these strange dreams lately._

"Script format?" groaned Danny.

"Script format," Sandy sighed.

_If there are other worlds, I'll be getting everything together eventually._

"Of course there are other worlds!" snapped Sandy, "You're in one _right now!_"

_Takuya's on the Digital Frontier with his friends. _You're giving me…_ Suddenly, he's on the coast, a teenager with indigo hair, a blue jacket, a yellow shirt, and a blue with brown stripes bandana. _Too many things, lately._ Koji Minamoto (Digimon Frontier), gives him the thumbs up and suddenly turns into a warrior with wolf-like armor. _You're all I need

"Singing?" mused Jazz, "Do you really need lyrics to convey your scene?"

"Why not?" shrugged TL, "_He_ did it last month."

I stared at my shoes.

"Is that even singing?" mused Danny, "It's hard to tell."

But does that mean I have to meet your father?"_ The girl, Zoë Orimoto (Digimon Frontier), waves to Takuya and turns into a warrior with some sort of two piece, violet hair, transparent butterfly wings, and a visor. _When we are older, you'll understand what I meant

"Are we talking about sex?" asked Danny.

"Don't say that so loud!" hissed TL, motioning to the people at the other tables. All were confused by the conversation.

_Takuya turns into someone with dragon-like armor and joins a muscular tan man and another man with an unusual hairstyle._

"He teams up with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Elvis?" asked Sandy.

_'__Please, oh baby. Don't go.' __The group goes into combat, find a shadowy pictures of a winged figure._

_Simple and clean is the way that you're making it_

_Feel tonight, it's hard to let go.__ The group charges, but then there are shadow pictures of various people appear._

_The daily things_

_That keep us all busy_

_Are confusing me.__ The group charges._

_That's when you came to me and said…_

_"__I wish I could prove I love you,_

_But does that mean I have to_

_Walk on water?"_

"My head keeps…spinnin'," I joined in, "I go to sleep and keep…grinnin'…if this is just the be…ginnin', my life is gonna be…_beeeeee-utiful!_"

"That's Dean Martin," corrected TL.

"I know," I nodded, "I just wanted an excuse."

_He falls onto a stained-glass window of Bugs Bunny with Daffy Duck, Lola Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner, and Tasmanian Devil (Loony Tunes)._

"You've misspelt 'Looney'," mused Jazz.

"At least I don't forget to write words in the middle of sentences!" snapped TL.

Once again, I looked at my feet.

_Takuya glances around in a confused manor. For no reason, he asked the next question to himself._

_Takuya: Where am I and why am I on a stained glass picture of a bunch of animals?_

"Must be some weird stuff in the air in the Digital World," considered Danny.

_A mysterious voice spoke out of nowhere to answer his question. He couldn't tell, but he guessed that it was female._

_Female Voice: Takuya, your time is coming and sooner than you think._

"Capone's gunnin' for ya, Takuya," nodded Sandy, "Better start running."

I grinned, and lifted my Tommy Gun up from its place at my feet. A waitress screamed and ran out the door.

"Nice," sighed TL, sarcastically, "Very subtle."

_Voice: I will explain everything later, but there are worlds in need of your help! First, you must choose a card._

"The blue card will take you out of the Matrix," TL said in a monotone, "While the red card will make you forget…"

_Voice: You have chosen the fire card, you must find it in New Domino Town._

_The dream started to end. Takuya was still curious and shouted, as if just saying it would keep it from ending so soon._

_Takuya: WAIT! What's New Domino Town?_

"It's our rip-off of Traverse Town, you silly sod!" piped Jazz.

"Speaking of ripping off, since when did you use British slang?" asked TL, suspiciously.

_He heard a familiar voice, which seemed to pull him out of the dream and back into reality._

_Familiar Voice: Wake up, already, Takuya! We have stuff to do!_

"Oh hi, Familiar Voice!" grinned Danny.

_Tommy: Good to see that you're finally up!_

_Takuya: Nice to see ya', too, Tommy. Well, what do we have to do today?_

_Tommy: Well, for one thing we have to help the students at Togemon's school and we also…_

"…gotta get back to that gunrunnin' racket we were doin'," I finished, in a poor Mafiosi impression, "Also, we gotta remember to whack that squealer, but that can wait."

There was a brief silence.

"Tommy was the name of the protagonist of Mafia 1," I sighed.

"You're a nerd," shot TL.

_Takuya: What did that dream mean and…_

_Takuya suddenly remembered something and searched his pockets, finding nothing._

_Takuya: Didn't I get a card?_

"No," replied Jazz, "You didn't. Dreams can't physically manifest in the real world."

_The two walked out to see a great field with several unusual creatures. Digital Frontier. The only home Takuya had ever known, but he wouldn't prefer any other place. It virtually had every environment, to the south, there was an ocean, to the west was a forest, they were in the east side, a field, and to the north, there was a mountain range._

"Yeah, we _know_," nodded Danny, irritably, "We saw the series."

_After doing SEVERAL tedious jobs_

"_SEVERAL?_" gasped Danny, in an over-dramatic tone, "How much is _SEVERAL?_"

"_Hundreds?"_ exclaimed Sandy.

"_Thousands?"_ I shouted.

"_MILLIONS?"_ demanded TL.

"_WILL YOU SHUT UP! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO EAT HERE!_" another patron shouted from his table.

We shut up.

_They had…become rather close, being in all sorts of crazy adventures together._

"Like?" asked Jazz, expecting a reply.

"Wait," mused Sandy, "Why is there an ellipsis before 'become rather close?' Y'all ain't suggesting…"

TL buried his head in his hands.

"Why did I write this?"

_Takuya couldn't forget THAT. He and Tommy found a shipwreck on the beach and, apparently, the other three had repaired the damage. The only thing that confused them was where it came from, seeing as it didn't come from any wood made in THIS world._

"Indeed," I nodded, "It was Belgian."

_Zoë: Well, I suggested that we sail it. Seeing as some people say that there ARE more worlds than this one out here. Maybe we could go see them!_

_Koji: They could just be rumors. Nothing more or less. Besides, Digimon occasionally exasperate._

"Exasperate?" quizzed Jazz, "Don't you mean 'exaggerate?'"

"The less we question it, the sooner it'll be over," replied TL.

"Good point," nodded Jazz.

_Takuya didn't have time to think, because, in an instant, the sun set and a starless night instantly fell upon the world. He bolted up and began to worry. The sun NEVER set that early and fast._

"Well, it did if you were playing the Sims," added Danny, "But that's hardly the place to get your logic from."

_Tommy: Takuya! Monsters appeared in my house!_

"Monsters? In Digimon? No kidding!" exclaimed TL, sarcastically.

_Takuya: Easy, Tommy. Even though there ARE monsters in Digital Frontier, none of them live around the field area._

_Tommy: Those aren't the monsters I was talking about! They were black, had tentacles coming out of their heads, and looked like shadows!_

"It's just as I feared," I growled, "Shadow Tentacle Nazis."

A scare chord played.

_Then, creatures burst into Takuya's house. They had skin the color of ebony with glowing red tattoos across their bodies, were stooped over, had gangly arms, quite literal flat faces, had to run around like beasts (via gangly arms), and a mane of tentacles coming out of the backs of their heads._

"That sounds like the crazy lovechild of the Heartless, the aliens from Crysis and a biker," considered Danny.

"They should've seen Jim," I mused.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked TL, suspiciously, "Who's Jim?"

"You _really_ don't wanna know," replied Sandy, rubbing her temple.

_Meanwhile, another world was in just as much trouble as Digital Frontier._

"Wolves had stolen their pills," I finished.

_Tea: Well, he couldn't just vanish into thin air!_

_Jaden: Who couldn't?_

_Tea: Yugi._

"Oh no!" I gasped, "That guy with the funny hair who takes card games way too seriously has _vanished! _This is a tremendous loss!"

"You don't like this show, do you?" asked TL.

"Not really, no."

"Well," sighed Danny, "As we keep going on, Tea alerts other people to this crisis, and they're _all Anime characters_. Seriously? There _is _an Anime X-Overs section, you know!"

"Don't remind me," groaned TL.

"Well, we finally _do_ find a Western Cartoon here and…it's Mr. Peabody. Yeah," sighed Jazz, "I think it's safe to say that we can no longer take this seriously."

"You got a problem with Mr. Peabody?" demanded Danny.

"No," replied Jazz, "But he's a talking cartoon dog. Among a predominately anime cast. You need to establish more cartoon characters before this, otherwise it's like introducing a rapping dog to _Titanic!_"

"Please don't mention that," sighed Sandy, "You're making E3 and TL cry."

TL and I had indeed let off a sniffle at the memory of the rapping dog.

"Well," I mused, "It's getting late. We may come back to this later, but for now we'll call it a day."

I closed the window.

"Well, TL, you're free to go," I nodded, untying the ropes.

"Thanks," grinned TL.

He pulled out a gun and aimed it at my face.

"What the hell?" I demanded, "That's an M16! Where were you keeping that?"

"I have my ways," replied TL, "Feeling lucky?"

I grabbed my Tommy Gun from under the table.

"Think fast, you son of a biscuit!" I snapped.

We both opened fire.

One week later, I returned from court, having gotten off with a small fine and a ban from the restaurant. I'd also recovered from getting a whole machine gun clip in the stomach, which was unexpected.

"Drat you, TL," I groaned, limping to my computer chair (the computer had magically repaired), "You may have won this time, but I'll…"

I glanced at the screen.

I smirked.

"Oh, TL," I sneered, "If I can't beat you physically, then I'll beat you…_through your brother."_

I let out a chuckle.

Then I looked to the ceiling and let out a booming, maniacal laugh as my printer printed off a set of fics. Once printed, I ran for the Rocket Car, leaving the fic on screen, a menacing foreshadowing of things to come.

Remember SpongeNSpongegirl?

**

* * *

Final Verdict of The Lord of Souls REMIX by TLSoulDude**

_Danny Fenton: 5/10_

_Sandy Cheeks: 5/10_

_Jazz Fenton: 4/10_

_E350: 5/10_

_Total: 19/40_

_With thanks to TLSoulDude._

_

* * *

Oh, and Titanic Disaster's Toy Story?_

_It's a disaster. A _Titanic_ Disaster, you might say.

* * *

_

_ TL: Told you it'd come sooner then expected. XD  
_


	16. Contest Results: Clockwork Part I

Well, here is the first half of the first judgement of the contest. Also some awards. Enjoy!

**unknown20troper:** ...Indeed, they can be. I don't like it ...when unnecessary ellipses are used. Thanks for reading!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** I will...eventually. Thanks for reviewing!

**Cartooniac55:** Don't worry, I wasn't blaming you. I was mocking my own laziness. XD If she'd read on, I believe she might have burnt my house down. Thanks for the review!

**Third Kind:** I like cheering people up. :D That's an interesting coincidence. Thanks very much!

**Movie-Brat:** Thanks!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Everything is ruined by the internet. I'm sure one day, we'll find something utterly terrible like a Schindlers List parody. On that day, I shall be most upset. Anyway, thanks for responding!

**Dimentio713:** Oh, it was hardly as bad as most things I review. :D Thanks again!

**TLSoulDude:** Not a problem, mate! Thanks for suggesting it, I had fun doing it. :) Thanks exceedingly!

**Wherever Girl:** I'm interested. (Sorry I haven't PM'd, I'm very lazy.) I _was_ originally going to go into detail with the Toy Story parody, but it burned my eyes. Danke!

**Xemnas1992:** Well, that's going on the backlog. :\ Insert Thankfulness Here!  
**

* * *

Review Twelve – The Contest Results**

Hi, I'm E350, and I'm here to…

_Rappadydap rappadydap rappity rappity tappadydap…_

(Oh, for crying out loud…) Anyway, I'm here to finally announce…

_Rappadydap rappadydap rappity rappity tappadydap…_

…ahem…I'm here to _finally _announce…

_Rappadydap rappadydap rappity rappity tappadydap…_

Hold on, I just need to use the Tommy Gun on something. I'll be right back.

_Rappadydap rappadydap rappity rappity tappadydap…_

_Rappadydap RappaRATATATATATAT!_

…

…

OK, I'm back.

As I was saying, I'm her to finally announce the winners of the Halloween contest…a month a half late, but better late then never.

Over the next three reviews, I will be going through the entries submitted, and choosing the winner from those three. The final ratings will not be shown until the end of the process. As per the prize for the winner…well, you tell me. The winner can ask a request of me, whatever they may want, be it an OC cameo or a short story or both or neither, it's up to you.

However, I've also decided to spread this out a little. Each entry in the contest has four one-shots. In between the oneshots, I'm going to have a little award ceremony for Fanfiction – like the VGA's but less awful. It won't be too in-depth – just the award and a paragraph explaining why I gave the award to said fic/author/ect. (Yes, I will actually send out physical awards made in Photoshop.)

Anyway, without further ado, let's start with the first entry by Clockwork Oracle King. Enjoy!

* * *

"My fellow Internationals!" I greeted, "Welcome, one and all, to the Contest Results!"

"Yay," sighed Sam.

Once again, I had gathered Danny, Sam and Tucker into the review room. Today, it had been decorated as far as my current budget would allow. That meant two balloons and a solitary streamer.

"Well, let's get into the first 'shot," I decided, "For category one: Curse."

_**Episode 1: Curse**_

"Episode I was a curse," agreed Danny.

_Wednesday, October 31, 2012._

"That day's accurate, by the way," reminded Tucker, "I checked."

"And the Award for Nerd of the Year goes to…" shot Sam.

_Beatrice "Beat" Simon, Sue Ellen Armstrong, Amy Rose, Kai Moonfeather, Fern Walters, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, Millie Mudd and Prunella Deegan were at Kai's house, planning for the Interscholastic Halloween Bash._

"This Kai must be pretty important if they're planning a school bash at his house," mused Danny.

"Look down," deadpanned Sam.

Danny scrolled down the page.

"Wait…he's a girl?" he mused, "But I thought Kai was a guy's name!"

"I thought that about 'Danny' as well," replied Sam, "But then your cousin came along."

"Good point," nodded Danny, meekly.

_"So girls," said Amy, "what have we got so far?"_

"FIREWORKS!" I yelled.

The others stared.

"I'm sorry, I was bored," I shrugged.

_As Fern could open her mouth to suggest an idea, she saw Garzooka in a state of panic._

"The turkey was a little dry," finished Tucker.

"Yeah, rip off the Simpsons," snapped Sam, sarcastically, "_Real_ original."

_"Hey, Coach, whatcha doin'?" greeted Isabella._

_"What does it look like I'm doing?" asked Garzooka._

_"Looks like you're stressed out about something," said Millie, pointing out the obvious._

"Really?" deadpanned Danny, "I never would've guessed."

_"Well, I just now remembered that Leslie's birthday is today, and most stores are either closed or sold out of the good stuff."_

"That's what you get for having your birthday on a major holiday," I shrugged.

"You can't control when you're born," reminded Sam.

"Not an excuse," I replied, crossing my arms.

_"If I may Coach, might I suggest my father's curio store?" suggested Kai._

"Y'know, the one we've never mentioned until now, that may or may not stock cursed items?" added Danny.

_The eight girls and their teacher set off for Kai's father's curio shop, Hastiin's Mystic Items, to look for a birthday gift for Leslie._

_"Father," said Kai, "my gym teacher is looking to buy a birthday present for his friend."_

"You mean to tell me that my child is receiving gym education from a cat?" asked Danny, in character.

"It happens," I shrugged, "My gym teacher was a catfish."

_"If a gift is what he seeks, then may I suggest this pendant?"_

"It's freshly fished out of the glove compartment," added Tucker.

_"I'll take it! Leslie's gonna love this."_

_"I must warn you, though: This pendant carries a terrible curse."_

_"Ooh, that's bad."_

_"But it comes with a free Frogurt."_

_"That's good."_

_"The Frogurt is also cursed."_

_"That's bad."_

_"But you get your choice of topping!"_

_"That's good."_

_"The toppings contain Potassium Benzoate." This comment was met with an awkward silence. "That's bad."_

_"Can we go now?" asked an annoyed Prunella._

"Oh, yeah, _another_ Simpsons joke," sighed Sam.

"What've you got against the Simpsons?" I asked, "That joke's funny!"

"Not everybody likes that show," grumbled Sam.

Danny, Tucker and I stared. Then we shook our heads and continued.

_As the group left the store, Garzooka thanked the girls for the help and ran to JyCorp._

_"Should we be concerned?" asked Beat._

_"I…don't think so," replied Sue Ellen._

"It's only our sanity," shrugged Tucker.

_Later that night, Leslie's pendant caused her to shape shift into a bloodthirsty werehound every Halloween._

"…and there were many hilarious hijinks to be had," I finished.

"That was pretty good," nodded Danny, "It was a bit short, but we weren't really asking for the _Order of the Phoenix_, so…yeah, no complaints here."

"Right," I nodded, "Let's move on."

**

* * *

Happy Fluffy Reviews Present…**

_**THE HISTORICA FANFICTION AWARDS!**_

_The Douglas Adams Award for Comedy goes to_ – 'Teh Soopr Gost Gurl' by Lady-Valiant. Without a doubt, this is the best Mary Sue parody I've ever read, and its style was, in fact, a catalyst for the fic you're reading right now. From hilariously awful writing to hilariously hilarious reactions from the canon characters reading it, I'd recommend this to anyone.

_The William Shakespeare Award for Drama goes to –_ 'Checkmate' by pearl84. I'll warn anyone reading this – at 73 chapters, this is _LONG_. It's also completely worth the time it will take you to read. It does an excellent job at getting into the heads of its cast, especially Danny and Vlad; it'll change your entire perspective on the Danny Phantom canon.

_The Alfred Hitchcock Award for Suspense goes to –_ 'Faerie Monster Ball' by soulful-sin. This fic will make you wince – Doombringer's characterisation is one of the most unpleasant I've seen – but it does such a good job of keeping you in, well, _suspense_ that you'll keep reading simply to see how they get out of it.

* * *

"Now this next 'shot is probably my favourite of the entry," I continued, "This was unexpected, as I usually don't like chat fics, but this one is quite different."

"Word of warning," warned Danny, "We're gonna get political here."

_**NCHT Episode 2: Control**_

_Control: a simple word. Oxford dictionary defines it as "the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events." For certain people, control is more than they make it…_

"You spelt 'behaviour' wrong," noted Danny.

"Meh, it's probably just a typo," I shrugged.

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ All I'm saying is, there is no way that God is female._

"On any other site, those words would start a flame war," mused Tucker.

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said: **__Can we not control what God looks like? If I say that God is a girl, then She's a girl._

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said: **__End of story._

"…I don't think they mention that in the Bible," mused Danny.

"So," shrugged Sam, "They don't mention God being a bearded old guy in the Bible, either."

"Yeah," nodded Danny, "But they don't really say he's open to interpretation, either."

"Guys, can we take the theological discussion somewhere else?" sighed Tucker.

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ Okay, if that's what's you believe, then go ahead._

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ You Dummkopf._

"You can't use German insults on chat programs!" gasped Danny.

"Das Schwienhunt!" I thundered.

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said:**__ Why, you…. Come and say that to my face, you God-fearing Democrat._

"…Democrat?" considered Danny, "But isn't it the Republicans who're the god-fearing ones?"

"Meh, maybe he's thinking about the old 1950s Democrats," I replied.

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ Democrat? I'll have you know I voted for Bush._

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said:**__ Pfft, figures you'd vote for a political scapegoat._

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said:**__ Also, Obama is awesome._

There was a short silence.

"Don't even go there," I said at last.

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ This coming from the guy who thinks God is a girl._

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said:**__ Well, maybe She __is__ female. And a sheep. A cute, fuzzy, cottony sheep._

"Well, that would complicate the whole 'created in His image' thing," considered Danny.

_**LasagnaLuvr15 said:**__ Like I said: We don't control what others think of God._

"That hasn't stopped us from fighting pointless wars over it," I reminded, "Just ask the Crusaders."

_**StrudelCutie4427 said:**__ Believe what you want, man. StrudelCutie4427 is out, peace!_

"Peace out, man!" mocked Tucker in a deep voice, making a peace sign.

"Tucker," sighed Sam, "You're hand is the wrong way round."

_"You think you know people," mused Garzooka. "Well, at least I know __I'm__ right. I hope that people aren't going to take this the wrong way and riot. I mean, it __was__ religiously and politically insulting."_

"Not really," shrugged Sam, "Belief is a part of culture. You're allowed to believe whatever you believe in."

"…and if you don't believe, that's fine too," I added, "Just don't tell other people they can't be religious."

"Guys, we're getting preachy," reminded Danny.

"Oh, yeah, moving on."

**

* * *

More Rewards Time!**

_The Martin Luther King Award for Making Me Care goes to – _'Checkmate' by pearl84. As I said earlier, the writing and dialogue of this story go a long way towards making you give a toss about the cast. Whatever you think about Vlad, or Jack, or whatever, this story will make you care for and worry about Danny, which is why it gets this award.

_The Horatio Nelson Award for Delivering Waterworks goes to – _'Future Shock 2' by SOLmaster. Most of the times I cry reading a fic, it's because it's so utterly terrible. This – well, I won't give anything away, but…the ending of chapter 13. Go read it. You'll see what I mean. (Heck, go read the rest of it. And the first one. I fully recommend it.)

_The Jack the Ripper Award for Being Pants-Messingly Terrifying goes to – _'Protect and Survive' by Macragge1. OK, I'm pushing it here (this is an Alternate History story on another site) but it has to be recognised. It's basically 'Everything You Really, Really Didn't Want To Know About Post-Nuclear Britain But Are Going To Be Told Anyway.' It's the most frightening thing I've ever read…so go read it.

_

* * *

Tune in next time for the rest of the review. If you do, I may do something funny, like have Danny be eaten by a ferret. Also, anyone who wants to suggest award categories…go right ahead!

* * *

_DISCLAIMER: E350 does not support militants of any religion (or non-religion). I don't mind if other people believe differently to me - it's diversity that makes our world what it is (which is why communism doesn't work). Anyway, I don't want to sound to preachy, so I'll stop now.


	17. Journeys End Spongebob Version: Why?

It is 16oC here. That's 61oF. At 11:40PM. I hate summer. Sorry if this isn't up to standard.

Review replies;

**cardsharks87:** Apology accepted. Thanks for reading. :)

**Dimentio713:** Yeah, now I just have to remember to declare the winner! :D Thanks for reviewing.

**Cartooniac55:** He had it coming. |:( Sorry about the spelling stuff. I'll try harder next time. :D Thanks for the review!

**WhereverGirl:** Good on you, I say! :) I'll consider that award. Thanks very much!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Don't worry, there'll be categories for lighter stories :). Thanks!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** Nah, I found it intriguing. :} Thanks exceedingly!  
**

* * *

Review Thirteen – Oneshot, Twoshot, Redshot, Blueshot**

Well, it's 2011, and I'm back! Here's hoping you all had a fantastic Christmas and New Years Eve/Day/Whatever.

Now, I know some of you are probably wondering where the reviews of the contest are. Well, to be utterly honest, I'm having trouble with them. I'll keep trying, but I may have to just announce the winner. I apologise deeply for this.

Also, some of the content of the last chapter may have been politically inflammatory. I'd like to apologise profusely for this. From here on in, we're keeping this away from politics and current affairs.

Anyway, with the red tape out of the way, let's launch into the New Year with a bang, with a bad oneshot! Enjoy!

* * *

I slouched over the reviewing table, groaning. Danny, Timmy and Sandy were waiting, Sandy tapping her foot.

"Come on," coaxed Danny, "Let's get this over with."

I gave a loud moan, before opening up the first fic.

"OK," I sighed, "First up here, we've got _Journey's End Spongebob version_, or 'Why Rape One Show When You Can Rape Two!' It covers Bikini Bottom in the final episode of the fourth series of the new Doctor Who."

I stood still for a second, before beginning to weep.

_The end of time was near. The reality bomb was soon to be activated. Nobody could save the universe. Nobody (apart from Donna Noble)._

"…and all of the tension just died," deadpanned Timmy.

"Can somebody tell me what in tarnation is going on?" demanded Sandy.

"Why sure!" I grinned.

I turned on a CD player, which proceeded to play bright, cheerful music.

"OK," I explained, "So the Doctor and his current companion, who is Donna Noble, get this weird coded message in the universe that states 'Bad Wolf', which is apparently a Very Bad Thing. They pop down to Earth, find everything is normal and leave again. Immediately after leaving, the Earth is violently teleported to a part of the universe called the Medusa Cascade. It is promptly invaded by the Daleks, who are alien Nazis in armoured shells who are essentially invincible. The Daleks wipe out most resistance (and kill the British Prime Minister off-screen – practically a running gag in Doctor Who) and start taking people onto their ship, which I shall call HMS Forgot-The-Name. While this is happening, the Doctor and Donna check in with a bunch of galactic coppers called the Shadow Proclamation, who are not very effective. Meanwhile, a top-secret organisation called Torchwood led by the immortal Captain Jack Harkness teams up with former companions Martha Jones and Sarah-Jane Smith, as well as with Harriet Jones, Former Prime Minister (yes, we know who she is) to summon the Doctor…somehow. Meanwhile, another former companion named Rose Tyler is running around, which is kinda odd because she's supposed to be in an alternate universe, but ah well. Eventually, everyone manages to contact the Doctor (and Harriet Jones, Former Prime Minister gets exterminated by some Daleks) and he, Jack, Rose and Donna meet in London, because in Doctor Who, London is the centre of the universe. Then a Dalek shoots the Doctor and he starts regenerating, then he _stops_ regenerating by shooting his…regenerate-stuff…at a severed hand (did I mention he had a severed hand? From himself? Well he does.) Then the Doctor, Jack and Rose get captured by the Daleks and Davros (alias mutant-space-Hitler), who LOUDLY YELLS OUT HIS PLAN TO DESTROY! REALITY! ITSELF! Meanwhile, some guys get dissolved into nothing by the Dalek's reality bomb, which they plan to unleash on the whole universe. Happily, Rose's mum, boyfriend and Sarah-Jane escape (leaving everyone else to die) and proceed to help Martha (who is in Germany) activate the Ostrohagen Key, which will destroy the Earth and deny it to the Daleks. Davros proceeds to rub the willingness of them to sacrifice the whole world in the Doctor's face, saying he forges weapons or something. Then the TARDIS appears and a clone of the Doctor strides out, and then Donna comes out, and it turns out she's absorbed the Doctor's mind or something, then things go burn and boom and the Earth goes home again. Everyone gets a happy ending except Donna, whose memory of the Doctor is wiped because humans cannot comprehend the sheer awesomeness that is the mind of David Tenn…err…Time Lords. The End."

There was a long silence.

"Just watch the episode," I sighed.

_In Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob and Sandy were huddled together in the pineapple_

"Ooh, going out with a bang, I see!" I chuckled.

Sandy gave me a very menacing look. I shut up.

_Gary was nearby in SpongeBob's kitchen (because he wanted to die with his beloved snail food)._

"…OK, bad thoughts, bad thoughts," shuddered Danny, shaking his head.

_"I guess this is it," said SpongeBob shaking in fear._

_"I guess it is," said Sandy starting to cry._

_There was a silence for about ten seconds._

_"Sandy," said Spongebob breaking the silence._

_"Yeah SpongeBob,"_

_"If the world's ending, then I want to tell you something before it's too late,"_

"I was the one who stole your laundry detergent," whimpered Timmy, in a high-pitched voice.

_"I have something to tell you too SpongeBob,"_

_"Say yours first,"_

_"Spongebob, I love you! I always have done since we first met! What's your confession?"_

_"It's the same as yours Sandy! I love you with all my heart!"_

"If the dialogue were any more wooden, it'd be a tree," snapped Danny.

"Times like these," I groaned, "I feel very sad about my OTP."

"I'm right here, you know," reminded Sandy.

_Sandy took off her helmet and_

"…drowned," finished Timmy, "End of story, let's go home!"

Sandy whacked him on the back of the head.

_kissed Spongebob gently._

_Suddenly the ground shook. It was almost like an earthquake._

_"Are we dieing now?" asked SpongeBob._

"Yes," I deadpanned, "You got dissolved. It's purgatory_._"

_"I don't think this is the end. It feels like when the Earth travelled to them planets, so we must be travelling back!" exclaimed Sandy._

"How do you know?" demanded Danny, "You weren't on the ship!"

_The ground stopped shaking. Sandy walked outside. SpongeBob followed her. The underwater sun was shining and the planets were gone!_

"Indeed, they were floating in the infinite vacuum of _space!_" I thundered.

"Lame," sighed Timmy.

_"SpongeBob! SpongeBob!" came a voice, it was Mr. Krabs._

_"Yes sir," said SpongeBob._

_"Just came to say that I'm giving you and Squidward a pay rise and more days off," said Mr. Krabs "Now I gotta go and give a donation to the hospital."_

"I'm not buying this," snapped Danny, "I mean – Mr. Krabs? _Not _being cheap?"

"Well," I continued, "The fic ends with more glurge that makes my want to puke, and then there's a _hilarious_ scene with Rose and Jackie Tyler as fish, and then it ends. Thank all that is holy."

I gave a heavy sigh.

"Well, that was a quickie today," I mused.

"Meh," shrugged Danny, "It's getting us ready."

"Ready for what?" I asked, confused.

Sandy handed me an envelope.

"You ain't gonna like it," she warned.

I opened the envelope.

My eyes widened.

My jaw dropped.

I fell to my knees and screamed, clenching My Immortal in my hands.

**

* * *

Final Verdict for 'Journey's End Spongebob version' GraphicsGirl**

_Danny Fenton: 1/10._

_Sandy Cheeks: 1/10._

_Timmy Turner: 1/10._

_E350: 0/10._

_Total: 3/10.

* * *

_

Sorry it's short, but it's practically Mount Vesuvius in here. Anyway, I've come to a decision, and I'll finish by analysis of the contest entries and the awards in the same chapter, in a somewhat different but hopefully satasfactory way. I already know who's won (mwahahaha), I'm just finishing off the awards._  
_


	18. Contest Results: Hurray for Tardiness!

While I remember, here's a link to Protect and Survive: http : / / www . alternatehistory . com / discussion / showthread . php ? t = 164027

Review replies;

**RandomNumbers523156:** Yeah, that sounds like Spongebob alright. XD Thanks for reviewing.

**Movie-Brat:** Can't really say I'm looking forward to it. XD Thanks for reading, and congratulations on the one-hundredth review!

**Wherever Girl:** Frankly, I think it would take sixteen destroyed universes and a dead ape the size of Belgium for Mr. Krabs to become generous. :D Thanks for the review!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Nah, I'll do more then that. :D Thanks very much!

**matt0044:** I think we can agree on both matters there. :) Thanks!

**Cartooniac55: **Yeah, that fic is certainly quite good. I have plans for dealing with My Immortal - they involved Time Cube. Thanks

**Third Kind:** Oh. :\ Well, if it means anything, I don't mean it in any antipathy or hatred. Do send my apologies. Anyway, thanks exeedingly!

**Cosmo Prower Tomahak:** Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can do that. :) Thanks for the message!

**Dimentio713:** I appreciate the offer, but I think I need to do this alone... that said, you want to co-operate on anything else, I'm happy to do so. :D Danke!

**TLSoulDude:** Ah, that one. That's _definately _on the spork list. *maniacal laugh.* My Immortal is pretty rubbish, isn't it. Thanks a bunch!

**unknown20troper:** A lot of this kind of dialogue just begs sporking if you can find it. Heck, you can find jokes like this in _good_ fics! Thanks for responding.

**

* * *

Review Twelve Part Two – Hurray For Tardiness!**

I sat in the review room with Danny, Sam and Tucker. The two balloons and streamer had been again set up – they were now joined 'AWAR-' posted on the back wall.

"Welcome back!" I grinned, "As I'm a lazy tosser, I've decided to do this in a new format – I'll go through each entry one at a time, and analyse them as a whole. I know its poor work, but…"

There was a long silence.

"Look, awards!" yelled Sam.

**

* * *

More Awards Time!**

_The H. G. Wells Award for Best Self-Insert goes to – _Lunatic, from 'The Insane Critic' by TLSoulDude. Normally I'm a bit put-off by SIs (END HYPOCRISY), but I genuinely enjoy reading the Insane Critic. Lunatic makes some pretty good points, and has deviated enough from the Nostalgia Critic over time to seem less of a direct parody and more of homage.

_The Charles Dickens Award for Best Own Character goes to –_ Niane, from Checkmate by 'pearl84.' Niane has to be read to really be gotten; I really can't describe her off the top of my head. What really makes her get this award is her interaction with Danny, which has a strange feeling of 'telling too much' and 'not telling enough.' Of course, I could just be crazy – it doesn't subtract from the character.

_The Napoleon Bonaparte Award for Best Own Villain goes to – _DarkEvil LaserPants, from SOLmaster's 'Spongebob BlackPants' and 'Nicktoons: The Ultimate Showdown'. He's an obvious parody of Darth Vader, but his great mixture of badassery and creepiness (and some hilarity, given that he's future Spongebob) pretty much hand him this award.

* * *

"…and we're back," stated Danny, "OK, we'll start by finishing reviewing Clockwork's entry. In the next fic, we have Kai Moonfeather, Prunella, Sue Ellen and Millie from the first chapter, as well as Tails and an OC called Kalena Peters."

"O hai, Kalama!" I greeted.

"Anyway, they decide to go explore a haunted house, as you always do at Halloween," continued Sam, "Of course, unlike _him_," she pointed to me, "Most people aren't trying to pretend to be a Ghostbuster as a scam."

"I thought we agreed never to mention that again," I grumbled.

"So, they conveniently have a picture of the ghost that Kalena drew in art," continued Danny, "It turns out they're looking for a Pokemon, one of those newer ones I can't keep track of."

"Candela," reminded Tucker.

"Lies," I snarled, "There are only 251 Pokemon."

"You just keep believing that," retorted Tucker.

"So they all get harassed by the Candela," Sam carried on, "Until they eventually find the little guy, and the befriend it. The end."

"It's short," shrugged Danny, "But it's nice. Unlike anything _you_ write."

"I'm sorry," I replied, "I didn't hear that. I'm planning out _Super Dark: The Really Deadly Fanfic._"

"Of course you are," sighed Tucker.

"The last fic," I finished, "Is a list of all things considered wrong with Western Animation. To give us something to compare to, we asked our good friend Joe to give us his own list!"

_

* * *

Stalin stood in front of a home video camera, and started to rant._

"_It's awful!" he snapped, "It's imperialist political ways are preventing me from properly caring for my people…so yes, they do die a lot, but that's because I am _caring them to death. _Admittedly, I could feed them more, but the fact remains…_"

"_Uh, Joe…_"

"…_and then there are your _endless_ political speeches to appeal to your people! Do you see _me_ doing that? No! I just tell them what to do. If they agree, they get fed! If they don't, they get shot! Fair trade. Also, there is…"_

"_Joe…"_

"…_your total inability to control your generals and administrators. Your system is so inefficient! Just purge them every few years like I do. Sure, it will mean that your state will collapse under total infectivity and fear, but hey – what's a bullet in the head between friends, da? Anyway, that's my list, what do you think?"_

"_Joe…we're talking about what's wrong with _Western Animation_," I explained, "Not what's wrong with the _West._"_

_Stalin gave me a very rude finger gesture and walked out the door._

* * *

"As we didn't get a comparison," I continued, "Here's the list straight up."

Sam read off a printed piece of paper.

"Five; _Not All Dogs go to Heaven_, from _Family Guy_," she started, "Four; insane Skilene shippers. Three; insane Spandy shippers…"

"And by that, I mean more insane then I am," I interrupted.

"Two; _Total Drama Reloaded_," continued Sam, "And number one; Everything."

There was a short silence.

"Okey dokey then," I nodded, slowly.

I clicked out of the window on [MY CHOSEN BROWSER].

"So," I mused, "I liked this, but I feel that the narrative ones were the best. While I was intrigued by the IM chapter, I feel an expanded, narrative version might have been better. Also, the last chapter list seems a bit out of place and a tad short."

"That said," added Danny, "It's still pretty good."

"Right," I nodded, "Now, let's look at TweenisodeOrange's entry."

**

* * *

More Awards Time!**

_The Arthur Conan Doyle Award for Original Flavour goes to – _'Remember Me?' by TweenisodeOrange. This fic feels like an episode of the Fairly OddParents. It doesn't focus too much on darkness, or 'fairy racism' or on shipping; it's just a FOP fic, and a really good one at that. Pre-Poof, but certainly worth it.

_The General George S. Patton Award for Being in the Wars goes to – _'Reckoning' by Zim'sMostLoyalServant. This fic is fantastic in its own right, but I felt that the depiction of the fighting on Irk was extremely well-written. To be honest, I had to say I couldn't pick a winner between Zim and Dib (though I was rooting for Zim), which is a really good sign.

_The Caligula Award for a Good Spot of Torture goes to –_ 'Faerie Monster Ball' by soulful-sin. As I've said, this is an excellent fic, but…geez! Cosmo, Wanda, Juandissimo, Remy, Tootie – a lot of people get badly mauled in fic! (mainly Cosmo and Wanda, though.)

* * *

"OK," I stated, opening up the fic, "The first fic is a Phineas and Ferb fic…can someone tell me why I haven't seen that show yet?"

"Because you're stupid," shot Tucker, "Anyway, it's about Candace suffering the Pharaoh's Curse…which turns out to be a large man in Egyptian garb following her around and saying 'curse you.'"

"Kind of like that time dad forgot to pay the bills," mused Danny.

"As I was saying," Tucker continued, "She tries evading the guy, but that fails, so she very reluctantly gets the aid of Phineas, Ferb and their friends. They eventually find some glyphs and translate them to find the curse-breaker."

"Goat milk," finished Sam, "Goat milk solves everything."

"I wish I could watch this show," I moaned.

I wiped away tears.

"The next fic," continued Danny, somewhat put-off, "Is an Oregon Trail fic!"

Triumphant music was played.

"We get Timmy, Molly, Cosmo, Wanda and Poof on a wagon on the Oregon Trail…" started Danny.

Triumphant music was played.

"…and we start on the 'gruelling' pace option," continued Danny, "They manage to make it over the first river without drowning, thanks to Ned Bigby…"

Slightly less triumphant music was played.

"They then pass the second river unmolested,' continued Tucker, "Which is nothing like E3's play-through, in which someone drowned on the first river."

"They go through a few more of the waypoints, nothing bad happens," added Sam, "Then Poof falls and breaks his arm…somehow, then he gets a fever. Not long after, hunting ensues, and Timmy is declared to be wimpy."

Not far away, Timmy sneezed.

"They decide to go via Fort Bridger," I went on, "More hunting happens. Wanda gets dysentery, just to remind us that this is Oregon Trail."

Triumphant music was played.

"They stay at Fort Bridger for six days with some OCs," I continued, "Then Wanda breaks an arm. Then she gets a fever. They celebrate Independence Day by getting hopelessly lost. One of the oxen gets injured – Cosmo is horrified. They stop at Fort Hall. They manage to cross Snake River with the help of Sanjay, they get to Fort Boise and…"

"The game crashes," finished Danny, "Don't you just _love_ it when that happens?"

I glanced at a copy of Fallout: New Vegas on the table, and I burst into tears.

**

* * *

More Awards Time!**

_The Reverend W. Awdry Award for General Fic goes to – _'Spongebob BlackPants and the Pirate Toonribbean Adventure' by SOLmaster. This fic reads like an actual TV series. It can be funny, it can be action-packed, it can be dramatic, and it's very good all-round. Thoroughly recommended.

_The George Orwell Award for Soul-Crushing Despair goes to _– 'Protect and Survive' by Macragge1. There's no hope in this world. There really isn't. All you can really hope for in this view of post-nuclear Britain is that it gets less terrible to exist there. It never does, by the way.

_The George Washington Award for Best Past Fic goes to –_ 'Werewulf Tales' by Angelus-Alvus. Set during and just after the First World War in Poland, it follows the tale of Carol, the boy who will eventually become Wulf. Quite engaging, with a good cast (including an utterly terrifying German soldier), I feel it needs more recognition. Be advised that English is not the author's first language.

**Part Three Tomorrow!

* * *

**

The Ghostbusters scam and my playthrough of Oregon Trail can be seen in the 'Halloween Unspectacular', if you're interested.**  
**


	19. Contest Results: It Ends Now

Well, it's finally done. I can officially say I'm in the 2011 groove! :D

NOTE: It was hard to judge this. You guys are all so awesome. :)

Review replies;

**TweenisodeOrange:** _To YouTube! Awaaaaaaaay! _Thanks for reading.

**Cartooniac55:** Nothing to be nervous about. You did pretty well. :D Thanks for the review!

**unknown20troper:** I'm glad you like it. Still, it'll be good to get back to the original style next review. :) Thanks for reviewing!

**Wherever Girl: **I know, it's good, ain't it? Thanks very much!

**Sgt. Reynol:** Not a problem, I like to compliement people who deserve compliments. :D I'm interested in your proposition, sign me up! :) Thanks!

**Movie-Brat:** I feel like that idea is awesome. XDD Thanks exceedingly!

**Third Kind:** Well, I'm not too familiar with Zelda, but to my honour as a gamer, I'll at least try. :) Thanks again!

**Xemnas1992:** They certainly did. :) Danke!  
**

* * *

Contest Results Part Three – This Ends Now**

"…and we're back," I stated.

"The next fic is about various cartoon characters in the Harry Potter universe," began Danny, "Since the word for this chapter was 'Fear', it's about Bogarts. We're going to go through the Bogart forms in a list again."

"…and just for a comparison, we asked my good friend Winston for his list of feared stuff!" I chimed.

There was a short pause.

"He couldn't actually name anything."

"Anyway," urged Danny, pulling a list from his pocket, "First up, we have myself, whose Bogart is Dan."

He shuddered.

"Yeah, I can definitely agree with that," he growled, "I defeat him by putting him in a bumblebee costume."

He gave a snicker and a thumbs-up to the camera.

"Next we get Jenny Wakeman, who gets this creepy oil-stained mechanic guy with a hacksaw," continued Danny.

"He gets cleaned off by bubbles and put in a diaper," I stated.

"Then we get Manny Rivera, who gets some kind of Eldritch Abomination with a wrecking ball for a hand," added Danny.

"He _sets it on fire,_" emphasised Tucker, "Remind me never to cross him."

"Next we get Kim Possible, who gets a giant cockroach," Danny went on.

"We get a lot of those in Australia," I mused.

"She defeats it by shrinking it and forcing it back into the suitcase," explained Sam.

"Last we have Ron Stoppable, who gets this…monkey…_thing_," finished Danny, looking somewhat off-put by what he was supposed to describe.

"He turns it into Rufus," I detailed, "Doesn't even flinch. Nice."

"OK, last chapter," said Tucker, changing the subject, "This one's about Timmy, Jenny, Manny and two OCs, Erika and Dave, talking about disgusting food. The category was 'Wrong.'"

"Don't really have much to say about this one," I added, "Though it did teach me never to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters. Ever."

We all shuddered.

"This one was also pretty good," I mused, "Definitely stuck to the original flavour of the characters involved, and it was a fun read. Moving on."

**

* * *

More Awards Time!**

_The Chairman Mao Zedong Award for Making Me ROFLMAO goes to – _'If Sandy Read Twilight' by Third Kind. The premise is simple; what would happen if Sandy read Twilight? The answer is…terrible things. Destruction of reason. Decent into madness. Misuse of barbeques. It certainly made me laugh.

_The Emperor Norton Award for Awesome Insanity goes to – _'The League of Super Awesome Teenagers' by TrixieStixs. Sadly, this one hasn't been updated in a while, but when I read it, it was really cool and sometimes…well, awesomely insane.

* * *

"OK, last one, and since I'm running out of time, I'll try to make this both quick and satisfactory," I stated, "We're on to Cartooniac's entry."

"This first chapter is about Billy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy trying to trick or treat at a haunted house," began Danny, "Turns out its Desiree, who scares him off. Then it turns out that Grim and Desiree are acquaintances. It's pretty good."

"The next one, and our personal favourite, is Plankton having an Inception dream," I continued, "It starts parodying something I sadly could not guess, in which Plankton is rich, Mr. Krabs is out of business and Jenny is Plankton's daughter. Mr. Krabs tries to shoot Plankton and he wakes up in Medieval Scotland."

"Highlander parody," chuckled Tucker, "Except it has Danny and Sora as Connor MacLeod and Mr. Krabs as the Kurgan. It's really awesome."

"Mr. Krabs, or should I say Victor Kraken, attacks them, and then Plankton wakes up in another dream," continued Sam, "In which Mr. Krabs is a giant spider who is about to Plankton. Then he wakes up in the Chum Bucket, and we end with him launching into a long-winded explanation to Karen."

"Then we get Fear," continued Danny, "In which the Penguin partakes in Truth and Dare, and ends up having to set a firecracker in a graveyard."

"Hurray for vandalism!" I cheered.

"He gets scared of by Casper as Dr. Facilier's grave," continued Danny, "But he still manages to complete the dare and return to Sora's house with his 'friends'. Then he dares Sora to make out with Donald for one hour. Happily, that fic will never be written."

"The last fic is awesome," I finished, "Let's just say, if you've ever filled out a pairing meme and wondered what would happen if the characters found out about it…"

I leaned in.

"This is what will happen," I warned.

I left that to sink in for a bit.

"Seriously though," I continued, "This fic speaks for itself. It's funny, it's slightly sick, and it's one-hundred percent entertaining."

I sat back.

"And now it is time," I grinned, "Mr. Foley, will you do the honours?"

"My pleasure," replied Tucker, climbing up to stand on the table.

He cleared his throat.

"Well, it's been too long," he began, "I mean, we were supposed to do this in _November_, but the point is, we now announce the winner…and runner-up prizes!"

"We have runner up prizes now?" I asked.

"Yeah, we do," shrugged Tucker, "Anyway, bearing in mind this is _really_ close, our first runner up (in no particular order) is Clockwork Oracle King, who gets an OC cameo in a fic of his choice!"

"The next runner up," continued Tucker, "Is TweenisodeOrange, who gets an OC cameo in a fic of her choice!"

"And the winner is…Cartooniac55!" announced Tucker, "With no offence to the other entrants, her entry had a tiny edge in the humour department, especially in the Inception dream, that pushes it very narrowly to victory. Congratulations, you get to request anything you want!"

A single white ticker tape fell to the floor.

"Well, that _finally_ ends the Halloween contest," nodded Danny, "Which means its time for _another _contest!"

Loud boos could be heard.

"This time, we're completely lenient on the rules," I explained, "The challenge is, by March the First, to write any fanfic of any fandom at any length. The challenge is to make it connect with this key concept; **The Nineteenth Century.** How your interpretation of that goes is completely up to you – time travel, period fic, alternate history…even an antique or artefact dating from the time."

"Also, E350 will get a proper judge this time," added Danny, "No tardiness this time…we hope."

"Well, that's it for today," I finished, "We'll see you for…"

The door was kicked down, and George S. Patton charged in.

"Fenton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book!" he thundered.

Everyone blinked.

"I have no idea what he's talking about," muttered Danny, at last.

**

* * *

And now, the final award!**

_The Winston Churchill Award for Best Fic of 2010 goes to – _'Checkmate' by pearl84. At risk of sounding like a broken record, this fic is incredible, absolutely incredible. Easily, it is my pick for best fic of the year, if not of all time. Congratulations, pearl84 – you've earned this!

**

* * *

E350's Self-Righteous 2011 Fanfic Trailer! **(sorry)**  
**

From the maker of several poorly-made fanfics…

_A company of British redcoats opens fire on a line of fish in gold uniforms._

…comes comedy…

"_Karen?" demands Plankton, "Why do we have a teenaged android in the house?"_

"_She's yours, Sheldon," replies Karen, half-amused._

_Plankton's eye widens._

…war…

_A Soviet commissar is barking orders to his troops._

"_Remember great comrade Stalin's order," he thunders into his megaphone, "Show no mercy to the Fire Nation invaders! Wipe the scum from Siberia! TAKE! NO! PRISONERS!"_

_Cut to Fire Nation troops marching past a mound of dead Red Army soldiers, Azula at their head._

…chaos…

_Ovard Grim sneers as he speaks to his prisoner._

"_Some of us just want to set the world on fire, you know," he says, matter-of-factly._

…exploration…

_Spongebob, Vlad and the crews of the Krusty Krab and Royal Charles look in wonder at the Aztec and Greek inspired city._

"_Welcome," says Mindy, "To Atlantis."_

…fear…

_Danny is running through a jungle, dressed in a red uniform with a white pith helmet. Around his, the sounds of creatures can be heard._

…and insanity.

"_This is our Third Battalion," Vlad points to a line of Redcoats, "They were responsible for the Inuit incident. We don't speak about the Inuit incident."_

"_Wasn't that the one…" begins Groundskeeper Willie._

"We don't speak about it_," snaps Vlad._

**E350's 2011 Stuff: Revenge of Word!**

_Results may vary.

* * *

_

Well, I'll be in Hel...err...Sydney on Saturday, and probably won't update before then, so the next review will be next week or so. Here's my sheduale for Preparing-For-_My-Immortal_:

NEXT: The Time-Cube. (It's _SCIENCE!_ Or at least it claims to be. I'm kind of cheating reviewing this, but I've always wanted to, so...)  
THEN: Harry Potter turns to the Lord (Something to offend _everybody!_)  
THEN: Quarter Life: Halfway to Destruction (Remember Full Life Consequences? This is the prequel.)  
THEN: MY IMMORTAL. GAAAAH.


	20. Crossed Paths: What

This story should be a lot funnier then it is.

Review replies;

**cardsharks87:** Thank you for your contribution. -_-

**Sgt. Reynol:** Done. Thanks for extending the opportunity. :)

**RandomNumbers523156:** Alright. BGM for this one is the Boring song from the Nostalgia Critic. Thanks for reading!

**Clockwork Oracle King:** Done (although it does take place in the 1850s, so I may have to make her younger.) Thanks for reviewing!

**Third Kind:** You don't have to say anything. You earned it. :D Thanks for the review!

**Dimentio713:** So do I. At least I dropped the Time Cube - that stuff is really _odd._ Thanks very much!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yep. We shall read it and weep. Thanks!

**Cartooniac55: **Take your time, there's no rush. Reckon we've had an OK year for fanfics, all things considered. Thanks very much!

**Angelus-alvus:** Not a problem, it really is that good. Thanks exceedingly.

**TLSoulDude:** Oh, I shall rip it, my friend. I shall rip it...exceedingly. *evil laugh* Thanks a bunch!  
**

* * *

Review Fourteen – 'Crossed Paths' – …Yes.**

…

…

…

…

I really don't know what to say.

Should I tell you that this is a crossover between the Land Before Time and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare?

Should I tell you that it is listed as Adventure/Romance?

Should I tell you that the pairing is Private Ramirez and Cera?

Should I contemplate the grand example of temporal bestiality that we are about to consume?

Or should I just start crying?

Well…err…enjoy?

* * *

For once, the review room was silent.

Jazz, Timmy, Squidward and I sat in complete incomprehension of the idea we'd been presented with.

Squidward sighed heavily.

"Well, can we just get this over with?" he groaned.

I nodded, still completely silent.

_Narrator: "__The planet Earth, much has gone on in its 6 billion year history..._

"…and in none of those years has Italy won a major war," I interrupted.

_In the year AD 2016, a great conflict begins between America and Russia, great turmoil, chaos, and tragedy as leading American Commander General Shepard betrays the men of Task Force 141 and executes members Roach and Ghost. Two men, Captains Price and MacTavish, chased the rogue General and killed him._"

"A few million other guys also die," added Timmy, "But they're not important."

"_Meanwhile, Russia invaded America, forcing a rookie Ranger, James Ramirez, into combat with his squad in order to reclaim the capital of Washington D.C and Vladimir Makarov, the same individual responsible for the war's beginning, is still on the loose somewhere in central Asia._"

"Pick a tense and stick with it!" snapped Jazz.

"_Meanwhile, millions of years before that war_

"How can something be 'meanwhile' and 'millions of years ago?'" demanded Jazz, "That's physically impossible!"

_and all that transpires, in the Age of the Dinosaurs, life goes on for the great Reptiles who inhabit the planet, unaware of their kind's demise in the far future and of the turmoil engulfing the World millions of years in the future. Among them, live the inhabitants of the peaceful Great Valley, isolated from the chaos that surrounds them. And amongst the inhabitants, live a young group of Dinosaurs: Littlefoot the Longneck, Cera the Threehorn, Ducky the Swimmer, Spike the Spiketail, and Ruby the Fast Runner, enjoy their young lives and live in peace in their beloved Valley.__"_

"Yeah, that's an OK opening narration," I nodded, "If you ignore the fact that this is a _crossover with Modern Warfare!_"

_"__Unknown to both Littlefoot and his friends and the Humans of this wartorn world, events are in store that will cause one unfortunate American to wind up in the Great Valley and for these two timelines in the long and traumatic history of Earth to cross.__"_

"Also, bestiality," reminded Squidward.

_Cera walked through a small forest in the Great Valley, one of many that helped provide so much food for its inhabitants. Her stomach was growling, yet she didn't pay attention to this, for her mind was too busy thinking of other things for her to eat._

"_Gather and angst,_" I sung, "_Gather and angst. Gather, moan and com-plain…_"

_It had been a few years since she and her friends arrived in the Valley, and now they were grown up._

"You know what _that_ means!" grinning Timmy.

"Income tax," sighed Squidward.

_Cera and Littlefoot preferred to keep to themselves, and talk about the past. Actually, the two loved each other very much, and they had a relationship that has been going on for quite some time. Sadly, they both thought about ending the relationship, due to their both being of different species, and worse, the fact that they wouldn't be able to reproduce and have children together._

"…this author is a hypocrite," snapped Jazz.

_Finally, she walked out of the trees to see a large Tan colored Longneck lying on the ground, which she instantly recognized as her old friend._

_She ran over to him, calling out "Littlefoot! Hey, Littlefoot!"_

_The Longneck looked at his old friend and said in a depressed tone "Hey, Cera."_

_The Threehorn asked him "Still miss your grandparents, huh?"_

"Wait, they died?" quizzed Squidward, "Who the heck brings that up in light conversation?"

"I don't know," I replied in an indistinct European accent, "Anyway, how's your sex life?"

_Nodding, he told her "I- I miss them so much, it's been almost a single Cold Time, and I still miss them."_

_"That's too bad."_

"What a shame," Timmy said without emotion, "I wish there was more I could say. What a rotten way to die."

"Anyway, we get a bit of cardboard exposition about their relationship," continued Jazz, "And Cera goes to ask her dad to solicit her relationship with Littlefoot."

"…and then we get this!" I grinned.

_She hesitated, gulped loudly, and then finally summoned up the courage to inform him "I- I- I… may be in love with him."_

_Her father's face turned from a look of puzzlement and curiosity to one of complete and total rage "WHAT?" he snapped "Cera, I can't BELIEVE this! How long has this been going on?"_

_"F- for qu- quite some time…"_

_"AND YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME? What the HELL'S the matter with you? He's a FLATHEAD, for God's sake, why are YOU in LOVE with HIM?"_

"OK, back up," snapped Jazz, "First of all, there was no concept of a God or Hell in the time of the dinosaurs. Second of all, the all caps are hurting my eyes. Lastly, are we _really_ supposed to believe that they've been at very least dating, and he _hasn't found out?_"

"It happens," I replied.

"In the _age of the dinosaurs?_"

"Point made," I nodded.

_"Cera, do you realize how much this might tarnish my reputation? I mean, if the others in the Valley hear about this, they might see me AND my family in a low light, do you even CARE about the dignity of you and your family?"_

_The young Female, inbetween tears, defiantly snapped "I do care about my dignity and that of my family, but this isn't about me OR my family's dignity, this is about YOU and YOUR dignity, you don't give a flying S**T about me OR Littlefoot's kind in general!"_

"_Bad words, bad words, bad words!_" I screeched, shutting my eyes and holding my hands over my ears.

"Yeah," nodded Squidward, "Lets have a look at the _rest_ of this chapter, _shall we?"_

[Insert cheery music here.]

"_I don't give a crap about you, you ASSHOLE!"_

_"It's none of your goddamned f**king business, __dad__!"_

"_I don't give a CRAP about you or you damned selfishness…"_

_"Where did you LEARN those words, Cera?"_

"Now that's a _very_ good question," I nodded, holding a pipe.

"So, yeah, angst happens, yaddi yaddi yadda," sighed Timmy, "And then we cut to the White House in 2016! Smooth!"

_Private James Ramirez awoke to the well-furnished interior of the White House, codenamed "Whiskey Hotel". He realized he was on the floor of one of the bedrooms in the legendary Presidential Manor and was in a sleeping bag. As his thoughts cleared up, he recalled the rough day he had yesterday, from fighting his way through the Department of Commerce building, to firing a helicopter-mounted Minigun at Russian troops, to fighting for control of Whiskey Hotel in a huge monsoon._

"He also remembered his sergeant constantly ordering him to do everything," I added.

"Yep, this as Ramirez, from Modern Warfare 2," added Timmy, "He's just woken up from a dream about the Great Valley. I'm as confused as you are, people."

_Ramirez grumbled, ever since he was first sent into combat only a few days ago, he had practically been the squad's errand boy, performing all sorts of near suicidal tasks, from shooting down helicopters to fending off waves of Russian troops with a Predator drone he controlled. He was now sick of it; he didn't join the Rangers with being the gofer of the squad in mind._

"Well, this is the U.S. Army, and you can like it or lump it," I snapped.

_However, his strange dream came back into thought, and he remembered the Dinosaurs in it, he couldn't help but realize that the Dinosaurs had it easier than he did, as they weren't forced to go to war or become the practical lackey of the Rangers. So, he thought that he could become a Dinosaur; his expert knowledge of them could come in handy in living amongst them, as one of their own kind. Though there was still the problem of how was he going to live as a Dinosaur, as he was unsure of how could he become one and how he could travel to the Age of the Dinosaurs, as time travel was practically impossible to achieve. There was no way in hell could he be able to go back millions of years in the past, no one had the technology to do that, or so he thought._

"I wonder what will happen in this story?" asked Squidward, sarcastically.

_He got up, walked through the door, and headed for the West Wing, where his commander, Sergeant Foley, was._

_When he got there, he saw Dunn, Foley, and various other Rangers in the President's office, on one side of the room was the entrance from whence the Americans came in, and scattered all along the floor of the building were the bodies of American and Russian soldiers alike, the former fell to take the White House and the latter fell defending it._

"Ramirez!" I yelled, "Clean up the West Wing!"

_The Rangers walked out of the room, Dunn was about to join them, when Ramirez called to him "Hey, dude, ya got a minute?"_

_The Corporal sighed and he groaned "Yeah, I guess, whatever."_

_"Good, cause what I wanna tell you is something that's best discussed in private…"_

_Dunn's eyes widened with surprise and he said "Whoa! Ramirez, haven't you heard of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'?"_

"Oh, not _that_ debate again," sighed Jazz.

_"It's not that! It's just that…. I dunno, I just don't think Army life's for me, y'know?"_

_"Um, dude, haven't you heard the old tag "There's strong, and then there's Army strong"? You __need __to learn how to be Army strong and who better to teach you than moi?"_

_The Pfc rolled his eyes in utter annoyance and informed him "It isn't just Army life or how stressful my service in this whole Goddamned war, it's my life at home that I'm also stressed about. I mean, my parents are abusive as hell, I broke up with my girlfriend recently-"_

"…then talk to a professional," snapped Jazz, "Therapy can really help with stuff like that."

"There are no therapists in Call of Duty," replied Squidward.

_"My job's a real s**tpile, my boss' an asshole, my old car looks like I just bought it from a junkyard; I don't have any friends, well, aside from you guys…"_

"…there's a massive war going on, millions are dead, World War III has started," added Timmy in a deep, moaning voice, "My pay-check sucks…"

_"But, all this combined is making me feel miserable, in fact…." He paused for a moment, before summoning up the courage to tell Dunn (while looking at his boots) "I think the best solution for me is to leave this crappy life of mine."_

"Wanna trade?" asked Timmy, in the same drawl.

"Of course, he's not talking about suicide," explained Jazz, "He tells Dunn that he wants to be a dinosaur, and Dunn laughs it off. All the more reason to _seek professional help_. Then they both get called up by Sergeant Foley, and thrown down the street at the Russians."

"We then get a really short chapter, in which Ramirez gets beaten up by some Russians," I added, "Then we get another chapter of exposition from Cera and some OC, and then we get to _Prisoner Poor Treatment Time!_"

- PRISONER POOR TREATMENT TIME – SCORE FOR VLADIMIR MAKAROV: 0 -

_Ramirez woke up to find himself strapped to a wooden chair in a dark room with a single lamp hanging from the ceiling shining light down on him. He looked around the near pitch darkness and asked himself "Where the hell am I?"_

"You're in a dark room with a single lamp," replied Timmy, "Next!"

_Just then, he heard a door open, and several men walked into the room, three of them were wearing what looked like well maintained suits, two had brown hair, and the third had black. One of the Brown-haired men was quite large and a physically intimidating looking figure and the second man was leaner and looked like he hadn't been treated very well. But it was the third man that caught the Ranger's eye, as he had a skinny physique, slight stubble on his upper lip and chin, had bushy black hair, and had one eye that was Green and another that was Blue, a result of obvious __Heterochromia Iridium__. Ramirez had seen this last man before, in the news, wanted as an international terrorist._

"_Iiiiiiiit's Makarov!"_ I announced.

"Makarov has a bit of exposition," explained Jazz, "Then he force feeds Ramirez a strange pill."

- PRISONER POOR TREATMENT TIME – SCORE FOR VLADIMIR MAKAROV: 1 -

"Then we get…_this_," I shuddered.

_Once the door was shut, Anatoly asked Makarov "Um was that necessary? Couldn't you just kill him and get it over with?"_

_"I need him to test the pill"_

_Victor snorted "Yeah, well, your idea of turning your troops into Dinosaurs is the dumbest idea I've heard."_

_"Yeah!" "Totally!" "It IS freaking stupid!" the soldiers commented in agreement._

_Makarov rolled his eyes and said "Fine, how about this: We only use the pills on prisoners and send them back in time with that machine Zakhaev built."_

_Anatoly commented "YES! It's more eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!" tapping his fingertips together before letting out a half evil, half goofy laugh._

_Makarov frowned and told him "Okay, never do that again, Anatoly"_

_"Sorry"_

_"Sounds good to me, though Anatoly here didn't help!" Victor replied_

_Anatoly asked "By the way, where did you get the pills and the machine."_

_Makarov smiled and told his wimpy henchman "Let's just say there's a scientist somewhere in Russia who abides to our every whim."_

"So…Makarov is turning people into dinosaurs," began Timmy, "But decides not to use them in the war due to peer pressure…so decides to send him back in time to the time of dinosaurs for the evils…in a time machine built by Imram Zakhaev."

There was a brief pause.

"That's a terrible story concept!" snapped Squidward.

"You know," sighed Jazz, "I think that's probably enough for now."

"Yeah," I nodded, "You know, for the story concept being so weird and wonderful…this story is so _boring!_"

"Gotta agree with you there," agreed Timmy, "I mean, it's all just Ramirez and Cera talking…and thinking…and talking…just make it about Americans and Russians with Dinosaurs! That'd be awesome!"

"No, that would be stupid," rebutted Squidward.

"It's more well-written then usual," finished Jazz, "This author has a lot of potential, but…what were they thinking?"

"Well, we're done for today," I finished, "Anyone want to…"

The screen fizzled out.

_**

* * *

TRANSMISSION**_

_**Y-_- -O-_- -_-_- -_ -_-A-_-**_

_**M-_-R- -L-_-_-R- -_C_-T -_- -_.**_

**

* * *

Final Verdict for 'Crossed Paths' by BAR18**

Timmy Turner: 4/10.

Jazz Fenton: 6/10.

Squidward Tentacles: 2/10.

E350: 4/10.

Total: 16/40

* * *

I'm so _bored!_


	21. Harry Potter turns to the Lord: Rev Stu

Did anyone who read this see that the author commented on his own fic! :\

Review replies;

**Dimentio713:** I don't even want to think about how that pair would work... Thanks for reading!

**Nagasha:** I shall investigate this author. Thanks for reviewing!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Nah, we're good. It's all up in the north or around the Murray River, and I'm in high country anyway. Thanks for the concern, though! :D

**RandomNumbers523156:** Is it wrong that I laughed at that? XDDD Thanks for the review!

**Angelus-alvus:** Usually, I either take requests or happen upon stuff while searching the site. Thanks very much!

**Wherever Girl:** Well, at least it isn't lemon, eh? Thanks!

**Movie-Brat:** I'll think about it - I still haven't seen the movie yet. Thanks exceedingly!

**Cartoonatic55:** The Time Cube reads like what would happen if Hitler took a cheap science degree. I'd do it but A) it's really, really confusing and B) I think I'd get banned. Thanks a bunch!

**TLSoulDude:** That's not all, my friend. You can also find four crossovers...with SPYRO THE DRAGON. Because when you see Spyro, you think of M4A1s and MP40s, right? |:| Thanks for the response!

**unknown20troper:** It's even worse then that - these are a bunch of Russian terrorists who are probably running out of a shed in Kazakhstan by this point, so them having the 'dream realiser 5000' makes even less sense. As per the hypocrisy joke...didn't really think that through. :D Thanks for the feedback!

**

* * *

Review Fifteen – Harry Potter Turns To The Lord – The Rev. Gary Stu**

Religion. Ever since mankind could look at the stars and say 'Oooh! How did those get up there?', it's been preying to and building monuments to more gods and deities then you can easily shake a stick at.

Ever since the Romans nailed a guy from Bethlehem to a plank of wood, the Christian religion has expanded across the world, becoming one of the major religions of modern society. (Of course, that is an over-generalisation by far, if you count Catholicism and Protestantism – see the Thirty Years War.)

These days, after the wars and conflicts of the twentieth century, people have become more tolerant to religious differences in the western world. We have learnt to live with each other, even if we don't necessarily agree. That, my friend, is human advancement.

Now let's talk about intolerant idiots!

I think this is the first fic I've reviewed that made the So Bad It's Horrible section at TV Tropes – brace yourselves.

* * *

"I don't wanna do this."

I sat, head buried in my hands, at the review table with Danny, Sam and Tucker.

"Do you have to do that every time we start a review?" demanded Sam, "The sooner this is done, the sooner we can go home. Now let's do this."

I groaned and opened the fic.

_Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard._

"No build up, no introductions, nothing," sighed Danny, "Ain't this a good start?"

_It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever._

"He had told himself not to watch the Care Bears movie, but _nooooo_," added Sam.

_It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore._

"He's the headmaster," I mused, "Why is he teaching classes?"

"Because," replied Tucker, simply.

_"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively. "It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."_

"To 'quip' is to joke," snapped Sam, "It's not a fancy word you can use to make your stuff look good."

_"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"_

"Yes, push off!" I imitated, "I know you're not supposed to leave school mid-term, but I've got to practice for my role in Doctor Who!"

_To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds._

_He rocketed over the eastern border_

"Into what? The North Sea?" I demanded.

_but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered._

"Remember, kids," grinned Danny, "Never fly broomsticks when tired!"

_He began to plummet._

_Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours._

_Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark._

I held up a small title card proclaiming 'The End.'

Sam snatched it and threw it to the floor.

_"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"_

_Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness, and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties._

"He was wearing a T-shirt saying, 'I am the author,'" continued Tucker.

_"Wh-where am I?" he murmured._

_"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled the man_

"Is that really something you chuckle at?" asked Danny.

_"My name is David," the man replied. "I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"_

_"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly._

_"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."_

"How pedestrian," I nodded.

_"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know. Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."_

_"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."_

_"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"_

"What, Oxford?" asked Sam.

_"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically._

"An excellent question," I mused.

"Obliviators aren't doing their jobs again, I guess," shrugged Tucker.

_"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."_

_"What was her name?"_

_"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry."_

_"What do you mean?" asked Harry._

_"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked._

"She started to see Bennett the Sage in her sleep," shuddered Sam.

_"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety. All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,but she had to find out why she was being haunted. So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. I showed her The Bible, you see..."_

_"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously._

"Yes," nodded Danny, "That thing you would _undoubtedly know about_."

_"The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished._

_"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."_

"You know what else," rebutted Danny, "Up to about the 1400s, witchcraft was punishable by a _small fine._ Real evil, huh?"

_David strolled over to him, and lay the Bible beside him. "I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled._

"That's not hot chocolate, that's a bible," snapped Tucker, "You can't drink the bible! It's sacrilegious!"

_Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils._

"He did wonder why David was telling him stuff he already knew," shrugged Sam, "But the author forced him to listen."

_Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore._

"Read the Book of Revelation and tell me that stuff makes sense," I rebutted, "Everyone's been trying to work that out for years, and we've still got nothing."

_"David?" he asked one afternoon._

_"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper._

_"How do I become a Christian?"_

"You can start by banging your head on that desk," groaned Sam, "Like this."

She banged her head on the desk.

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.

_"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."_

_Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them._

"Sorry," said Tucker, imitating David, "I'm cutting onions."

_For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and...pure._

"You know, except for those times when he felt loved and acc…oh, that was by wizards, we can't have that," sighed Danny.

_He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil_

"What, they practise Nazism at Hogwarts?" I quizzed.

_"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack._

_"Yes, Harry?" replied David._

_"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"_

_"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted._

_"But if God is for you, then who can be against you? Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good."_

"Be a good Samaritan, like I am," continued Danny, "Now, get out of my house, you bum."

_Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do._

_But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay._

"With no qualifications and a recession, Harry failed to find a job," I finished, "He died not two years later, on a dirty London street corner. His corpse was then lost by the government and ended up in a skip in Norway."

I closed the window.

"Well, that didn't suck as much as I expected," I admitted, "The propaganda's overplayed, it's unrealistic and the writing is poor, but apart from that – it's pretty much just _there_. To be honest, it's kind of like something Ned Flanders wrote."

"It still rips apart canon," snapped Sam.

"Yeah, well, at least it was quick," sighed Danny, "So, next time…"

"Next time we do it," I sighed, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Next up…My Immortal. May God have mercy on us all."

_**

* * *

TRANSMISSION**_

_**Y-U- WO-_D -A-L- -O C-M-A-Y**_

_**M-S-R- -L-X-_D-R A-D -EC-E-T -N- C-.**_

**

* * *

Final Verdict on 'Harry Potter turns to the Lord' by Saint Abraham**

Danny Fenton: 3/10.

Tucker Foley: 2/10.

Sam Manson: 1/10.

E350: 3/10.

Total: 9/40.


	22. MY IMMORTAL: It's Worse Then I Thought!

Well, here's the beginning. Kill me now.

Review replies;

**Nagasha:** I shall consider checking this oddball out. :) Thanks for reading!

**TLSoulDude:** Thanks, I was worried about being rude or anything. Thanks for reviewing!

**Gokiburi-Prince:** God had nothing to do with this fic. He'd write a lot better then that. :D Thanks for the review!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yeah, there's a lot of paralells, aren't there. Thanks very much!

**Dimentio713:** People don't think you're dumb. People think the .01% of people like that guy are dumb. :P Thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** We can agree to disagree. :D Thanks a bunch!

**Cartoonatic55:** He thinks Harry Potter is Satanic because...EXTREME, I guess. Thanks for the wellwishing! ...I'm scared. :(

**Movie-Brat:** I'm thinking of checking it out some time. :) Thank you!

**unknown20troper:** Good points, there. That's a fuuny search irony, there. XD Thanks for the interest!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Yeah, I think that's part of the badness - you can't become a Christian in a week. I went to a Catholic School, and there's a lot more to it then that. Anyway, thanks a lot!

**Third Kind:** Anon reviewers - don't they know you can delete anonymous reviews? *shakes head* Thanks for the response!

**

* * *

Review Sixteen – MY IMMORTAL Part I: It's Worse Then I Thought!**

'Full Life Consequences' is a bad fic.

'The Love Potion' is a very bad fic.

'My Immortal' is the combined Somme, Hiroshima and Battlefield Earth of fanfiction.

In fact it is so bad, that the US Government demanded it be removed from the internet, and that all printed copies were to be found, put on a barge in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and nuked.

This leads to why I was there.

Penelope Spectra held the briefcase before me, surrounded by very tall, very muscular men in suits. The small, chafing office was in the 1920s vintage Cartoon Arms Hotel – the headquarters of the Cartoon Mafia.

"So, let me get this straight," Spectra asked, lightly, "You want me to give you a work of literature so bad it could destroy civilizations, and you're offering…"

"50c, a button and an old M&M," I replied, showing her the contents of my pockets.

"Right," sighed Spectra, "OK, I've heard enough, take…"

The door creaked. Bertrand, Spectra's assistant, strode into the room and passed her a note. Spectra read it, and gave a rather sinister grin.

"On second thoughts," she stated, "My supplier has asked that you be given a free copy. He says that he's a…_fan_ of your work."

I cheered.

"Now get out of my office," growled Spectra, handing me the briefcase.

Had I not left so abruptly, I would have noticed the ominous smirk she gave to her assistant. If I had, I would not have taken that fic…

* * *

"Well, people," I said, grimly, "We've been preparing for this for all our lives. This is the day, lady and gentlemen, the day we conquer _My Immortal!_"

"Take it easy, it's just a fanfic," sighed Sam.

"So," gulped Tucker, "We're finally taking it on."

"We'll live," shrugged Danny, "It's all superstition! It can't be that bad…"

_Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)._

There was a soft bang. Danny looked out the window to see a mushroom cloud blooming in the distance.

He shook his head, at a loss for words.

"We're all doomed," he groaned.

_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major f**king hottie._

"He's a major sexual intercourse barbeque?" I mused.

"Boo!" Tucker hissed, throwing a tomato at me.

_I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white._

"Then you're not a vampire," refuted Sam, "You might be a Cullen, but you're not a vampire."

_I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England_

"Ma'am, Hogwarts is supposed to be in _Scotland_," corrected Tucker.

_where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)_

"I had not noticed," Danny drawled in monotone.

_and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow._

"Oh come on!" I snapped, "Hogwarts has such cool uniforms and you go around dressed like a bad punk rocker? Lame."

"Does she really think we dress like that?" growled Sam.

_I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them._

"Those weren't preps," argued Danny, "They were prefects. You just got detention."

"_Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!_

"_What's up Draco?" I asked._

"_Nothing." he said shyly._

_But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away._

"Well, that was action packed," sighed Tucker.

_AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!_

"Well," I asked, "Is it good?"

"No," came the unanimous reply.

_Chapter 2._

_AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!_

"Tara," sighed Danny, "You need new betas. Now."

_The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again._

"Wait a minute, how can it snow and rain at the same time?" demanded Sam.

"I guess we'll never know," shrugged Tucker.

_I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends._

"Oh, a _hot-pink_ coffin," growled Sam, "How _gothic_ of you."

_I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun._

"_Four pairs of earrings?"_ I thundered, "How many piercings do you have?"

"Also, she has a giant T-shirt as pyjamas," noted Danny, "Where'd she get it from? Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

For the purposes of humour, please image the Governator at a heavy metal concert. In appropriate attire.

_My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)_

"How much of this story is aimless description?" sighed Danny.

"Everything that isn't sex, violence and swearing," I replied.

Danny groaned.

"_OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly._

"_Yeah? So?" I said, blushing._

"_Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall._

"_No I so f**king don't!" I shouted._

"Watch your f**king language!" I yelled.

"You're _floking_ language?" quizzed Danny.

"I don't like swearing," I replied.

"_Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me._

"_Hi." he said._

"_Hi." I replied flirtily._

"_Guess what." he said._

"_What?" I asked._

"I didn't get a description paragraph!" imitated Danny.

Everyone cheered.

"_Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me._

"_Oh. My. F**king. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR._

"_Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked._

_I gasped._

"Wait, how does a Muggle band get into Hogsmeade?" asked Tucker.

"Don't ask questions. Just read," groaned Sam.

_AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte._

"What? I'm flaming this story and I'm not a prep," I snapped, "I'm the opposite of a prep – I'm a nerd."

I sighed.

"Well, for the sake of my sanity and not getting this fic deleted for reprinting this awful, awful story, we're going to describe the story for a while and just quote the truly awe-inspiringly dumb parts," I explained.

"We get another mountain of description, as if that wasn't fun enough the first time, and then Ebony and Malfoy go riding off in a flying Mercedes Benz," described Danny.

"Modern crud," I sighed, "If it's not made before Vietnam, it's not my concern."

"Yeah, thanks for that," deadpanned Sam, "Anyway, after miraculously getting to the concert despite doing drugs while driving, they have this tacky conversation about…stuff…and then Malfoy drives them into th…"

_he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!_

"Yeah, thanks," groaned Sam.

"So Malfoy expresses his sudden and mysterious _true_ _love_ to Ebony," explained Tucker, "They start to make about against a tree, despite having a perfectly good car, and then…"

_Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time._

"Tara Gilesbie," I sighed, "The only person who can make sex sound like building a table."

"We get about two sentences of really squicky writing," shuddered Danny, 'And then we get the _magical moment…_"

"_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF*KERS!"_

_It was….Dumbledore!_

We all stared at the fic, awe-struck, mortified, what have you.

"Wow," I murmured.

"That is so OOC, it's…wow," wheezed Tucker.

"I-I can't believe it," stammered Danny, "I just can't believe it."

"That is the best worst line ever," chuckled Sam.

It was at that moment, the phone rang.

* * *

High above us, in Earth's orbit, the Imperial Russian Star Destroyer _Rusalka_ hung above the North American continent. Inside, Russian soldiers and sailors prepared weapons and dials – something big was going down.

Tsar Alexander the III sneered as he spoke into the intercom on the bridge.

"_Hi, this is…_"

"Mr. 350," snarled the Tsar, "Did you miss me?"

"…_who are you again?_"

"I am the Tsar Alexander III, by Grace of God, Emperor and autocrat of all the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Tauric Chersoneses, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, and Finland, Prince of Estonia, Livonia, Courland and Semigalia, Samotiga, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhni Novgorod, Sovereign of Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislavl, and all northern territories; Sovereign of Iveria, Kartalinia, and the Kabardinian lands and Armenian territories – hereditary Lord and Ruler of the Circassians and Mountain Princes and others; Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg, and so forth, and so forth, and so forth!"

He stood boldly for a second, before desperately breathing on an inhaler.

"_Uh, yeah, I lost you at Novgorod,_" I replied, _"Aren't you that crackpot who made me read Full Life Consequences?_"

"Crackpot! I am theTsar of all the Space Russias!" thundered the Tsar.

There was a long pause.

"Look," sighed the Tsar, "I'm just here to tell you that you're about to die, you can't stop us, blah blah blah, goodbye."

He hung up the comm.

"Fire the Cartoon Behaviour Alteration Ray," snapped the Tsar, "Tell our ally he can move in, and get me vodka. Lots of vodka."

He walked away.

* * *

"Well, that was odd," I shrugged, hanging up the phone, "Anyway, let's keep…"

There was a sudden flash of red, and I was blinded. I gave a pathetic gurgle, stepped backwards, and hit my head on the cabinet.

All went dark.

* * *

When I woke, night had fallen and the power was out. There was a hole in the wall – nobody else was around.

Shaking my head, I walked dizzily outside, hoping that the town hadn't been destroyed. Again.

"Make ready!"

I looked up, confused.

"What?" I asked.

Fourteen men in blue and red uniforms and tricorne hats, all holding muskets, were standing in front of me. A rather scruffy man stood in front of them with a flintlock pistol.

"Present!" ordered one of the soldiers.

The soldiers aimed their muskets.

"What?" I demanded.

"My apologies," the scruffy man grinned, utterly unapologetically, "Lord Beckett's orders."

"_What?_" I thundered.

"FIRE!"

* * *

_**TRANSMISSION**_

_**YOUR WORLD FALLS TO COMPANY**_

_**MESSRS. ALEXANDER AND BECKETT AND CO.**_

* * *

Yay cliffhanger!

...we're nowhere near done. *sobs*


	23. MI II: Riding Along In My Automobile

This fic is physically painful to read. The site I'm getting it from divides it into two sections (chapters 1-22 and 23-40), so would anyone hold it against me if I just did the first half of this tripe?

Review replies;

**Nagash:** Definitely checking that guy out. :\ Thanks for the suggestion!

**Sgt. Reynol:** I know... *weeps* Thanks for reading!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** I'm glad you like it! It's kind of odd, but I get a weird pleasure out of reviewing my own stuff. My favourite victim seems to be me myself. :D Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

**Third Kind:** Holy sod, you have a Russian hat? :o I did once dress as Cosmo to school, and fishnets were pretty common, but I went to a bad public school, not Hogwarts. :\ Thanks for the review!

**TND:** Worse. Definitely worse. D: Anyway, I'll take a look at your suggestion. :) Thanks very much!

**Dimentio713:** Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. |:) Thanks!

**unknown20troper:** Lord Beckett? Yeah, I've heard of that guy. I lean to Timmy/Tootie myself, but I still think he's a bit of a jerk. Thanks a bunch!

**Wherever Girl:** Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel. D: Thanks for the response!

**Cartooniac55:** You'll see..._oh you'll see._ Thanks for the well-wishing. :D

**Movie-Brat:** On the contrary - the Tsar trying to kill me is a great distraction! XD Thank-you!

**TLSoulDude:** It's OK. I mock every nation equally. I mean, _have you heard of those Australians..._ :P Thanks a lot!

**TweenisodeOrange:** If you want something to cheer you up, you could always seek out the Badger song... :D Thanks for the response!

**RandomNumner523156:** Close - it was Mercer. And don't worry, I love Full Life Consequences _because_ it is terrible. :D Thanks for the message!  
**

* * *

**

**My Immortal Part II: Riding Along In My Automobile**

_Fourteen men in blue and red uniforms and tricorne hats, all holding muskets, were standing in front of me. A rather scruffy man stood in front of them with a flintlock pistol._

"_Present!" ordered one of the soldiers._

_The soldiers aimed their muskets._

"_What?" I demanded._

"_My apologies," the scruffy man grinned, utterly unapologetically, "Lord Beckett's orders."_

"_What?" I thundered._

"_FIRE!"_

I shut my eyes and braced myself.

There was a sudden bang, a few yells of pain and surprise, and then silence.

I opened my eyes.

The Red…err…Bluecoats were lying in the grass, groaning in various states of pain. The scruffy-looking man gave a dark glare to his left, fired an inaccurate shot in that direction, and ran away.

I looked to my left. A fellow in a red Hawaiian shirt stood in my yard, holding a plasma cannon.

"Oh, hey Xem," I greeted.

"Looks like you're gonna need a renovation again," mused Xemnas1992, looking casually at my roof.

"Yep," I nodded, "Looks like it."

There was a short silence.

"A strange beam from space has hit my house and East India Company troops are running about town trying to shoot people," I pondered, "Why aren't we panicking."

"Stranger stuff's happened," shrugged Xem, "Anyway; I'm here because of that beam. That was a beam of the processed essence of hypnotanium, to make everyone in this city a servant of the Tsar."

"_Hypnotanium?_" I quizzed, "That sounds like a bad plot element."

"Maybe," reflected Xem, "The point is, everything with a pulse in this town wants to kill you right now. I'm from CAFE and I'm supposed to take you back to our satellite."

"…you're from a café?" I asked, head tilted.

"It's an acronym," groaned Xem, "Look, I'll explain when we get there. Now get in the car."

He pointed to a yellow vintage limo (a 1949 Series 75 Fleetwood, if you're into that sort of thing), that had been parked on a back-road across my (now destroyed) fence.

We got into the front and Xem turned the key. Two large rockets emerged from the back of the limo, and a pair of wings extended from under the doors.

With a great sonic boom, the limo rocketed into the sky, thundering through the atmosphere and into space.

"OK," grinned Xem, "Everything's clear, we should be at the satellite in just under an hour."

"We live really weird lives, don't we?" I mused.

"Hey, you just gonna ignore us back here?"

I looked into the back. Jazz and Timmy were spread out over the comfortable back seat.

"Oh, come on!" I snapped, "How'd you guys get the best seat?"

"We were here first," shrugged Timmy, "And until we know what happened to Danny, Sam and Tucker, we're the replacements."

"Oh yeah, I review things," I remembered, "Well, we've got an hour…we might as well."

I pulled the story from my pocket and unfolded.

"When we last left off, Dumbledore had just uttered the most epic line in fanfiction history at Draco Malfoy and Ebony Longname, who were having awkward sex after seeing a rock concert," I explained, "It only gets worse, people. Now, Timmy can read us into Chapter Five!"

I threw the story over to Timmy.

"OK," he nodded, "Uh…A-N: _STOP_ flah-ming. If you…flam…it mens…yur…a prep or a poss-r. Dah only res-son Dumble-de-or sworh is cuz he had a…a hed-ack…ok, an on tup of…dat he wuz-zz mad at dem four having sex-xz. PS I'm nut updating um-til I get five good revoiws."

Timmy shuddered.

"Never make me do that again," he snapped.

_Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him._

"'Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Eternalname,' said Dumbledore," I imitated, "'Know that this family of ours is a secret…'"

_He kept shouting at us angrily._

"_You ludacris fools!" he shouted._

Xem pulled a pocket dictionary out of the glove department.

"Ludicrous," he read, "Causing laughter because of absurdity – _someone_ needs to buy a dictionary."

"Or a thesaurus," mused Jazz.

"Or a brain," suggested Timmy.

_I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face._

"Then I bled to death," I finished.

"Hooray!"

I glanced towards the back of the limo.

"Who said that?" I asked.

"I dunno," shrugged Timmy, "It came from the boot."

* * *

In the trunk of the limo, Chester A. Bum gave the thumbs up. After all, it was warm in here.

* * *

"_They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice._

"_Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall._

"Mediocre," read Xem, "Of only ordinary or moderate quality, barely adequate – this story dropped past that line long ago."

"_How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape._

_And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"_

"Casablanca, you are not," sighed Jazz.

"So, Snape shows ridiculously double-oh see mercy and lets them go, Malfoy serenades with…is it metal?"

"Who cares," shrugged Xem, "Then we cut to breakfast the next day, and we get…_this._"

_In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top._

"_Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko._

"_I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice._

"_That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned._

"_My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled._

"_Why?" I exclaimed._

"_Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled._

We stared in horror.

Then we stared some more.

"What. The Ever-loving. William Gladstone. Was That?" I asked, at last.

"That is canon-defilement at its finest," replied Jazz.

"This is just…wow. Just wow," shuddered Xem.

"Who eats cereal with blood?" asked Timmy.

"OK, skipping through some more plotless drivel," sighed Jazz.

_Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)._

"Yes," we all groaned.

_We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)_

"_Yes,_" we all groaned again.

_when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!_

Sadly, it is not possible to have a reaction shot in written prose. I cannot show you my look of horror at this revelation. I cannot show you my epic rage that very nearly sent the limo careening into the moon. I cannot show you these things.

So instead, just imagine Goth Harry and Satanist Draco going at it, and you may emulate my feelings.

"_You b*****d!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed._

"_No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much._

"Can't the CIA liquidate you, then?" asked Xem.

_I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people._

"_VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERF****R!" I yelled._

"_I'm sick of these motherfoching sues in this motherflunking fic!_" I boomed.

_My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )_

"Aw, come on," sighed Xem, "Are really going with that? And B'loody Mary _Smith?_ Really?"

"You fail, Mr. Anderson," I snarled.

_I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out _

"Wait, what?" asked Xem.

_with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart._

"Who's talking?" demanded Jazz.

_He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now._

"Why are we listening to Malfoy?" exclaimed Timmy.

_He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)_

"Let's just move on," I sighed.

"We get more plotless stupidity," snapped Jazz, "And somehow we end up with Ebony and Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest. Yeah, we don't know how it happened either."

"Voldemort gives her a gun – despite the fact that both of them are _wizards_ – and orders her to kill Harry, or he'll kill Malfoy," continued Xem, "How does he know that Ebony likes Draco?"

"_I hath telekinesis."_

"…telekinesis," groaned Xem, "That's moving stuff with your mind. You mean telepathy."

He looked at the dashboard.

"Well, we're nearly there," he grinned, "The CAFE headquarters satellite's hanging over the South Pole, I'm bringing her in."

I looked up.

A long, cylindrical satellite, adjourned with three metal rings, hovered above the Earth.

"Satellite Five?" I mused, "From Doctor Who?"

"It's the HQ for the Crusaders for Archived Fanfiction Excellence," replied Xem, "From up here, we monitor every fanfic written on the internet – the good, the bad, the ugly, and _that one._"

"So it's like the Justice League for nerds," mused Timmy.

"…yeah," nodded Xem.

The limo rocketed towards the Satellite. It was time for an appointment with CAFE.

* * *

We have just flown through space on a vintage limo to a satellite from a British sci-fi show to join a coalition of nerds fighting the Tsar of Russia and the EITC.

Wow.

Also, the limo: http : / / images2 . wikia . nocookie . net / _ _ cb20100830210945 / mafiagame / images / c / ce / LassiterSeries75Hollywood-Mafia2-front . jpg


	24. MI III: Poor Squidward

Call this chapter a pilot for something I want to launch on DevArt for shorter fics. If no-one likes it, this is the only time you'll see it.

Review replies;

**Gokiburi Prince:** I don't think this is salvagable. *shrug* Admirable of you to try, though. Thanks for reading!

**Wherever Girl:** *pays your medical bills* I feel your pain. Thanks for reviewing!

**Dimentio713:** Oh, on the contrary - the Room is much better then this rubbish. :| Thanks for the review!

**Xemnas1992:** No problem! Thanks very much.

**TweenisodeOrange:** It's beyond terrible. D: I like that song too :D. Thanks!

**Movie-Brat: **'Oh hai, Ebony, how's your sex life?" :P Thanks again!

**Sgt. Reynol:** ...and so begins Kickassia II - Attacking a Satellite. :D Thanks exceedingly!

**Cartoonatic55:** You mean _Morty_ McFly? XD Very well, I shall do the whole thing...I'm doomed. :| Thanks for the response!

**Third Kind:** ...I want one of those. :P Thanks a bunch!

**TND:** My Word seems to be stronger then that. I'm pretty sure it's lamenting that it can't self-terminate right now. :( Thank you!

**TLSoulDude:** I doubt Tara even did any research for this, to be frank. Thanks a lot!

**RandomNumbers523156: **Thirty H scares me, but we'll see. :\ Thanks for the response!

**Nagasha:** _Tdilight?_ Oh, for crying out loud... :| Danke Shon!

**Desire at gunpoint:** I don't watch TD, but I will consider checking the section out. :) Thanks for the message!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** I wish I could see the reviews. I could use a laugh. :D Thanks for the read!

**unknown20troper:** She was asking for that. :| I like using stuff from Doctor Who...only the satellite in question...well, everyone on it sort of died. :\ Thanks friend!

**

* * *

My Immortal Part III: Poor Squidward**

The interior of CAFE was impressive. We docked the limo in a large docking bay towards the bottom of the satellite, and took an elevator to the five-hundredth floor.

The control centre of the satellite was nothing like that of Doctor Who. It was a gleaming construct of white and gunmetal grey, with several giant computer monitors attached to the wall. Each of these scrutinized and DeviantArt for fanfic, both good and bad. They were scanned by what looked like MiBs.

A sliding door opened, and out stepped TLSoulDude.

"Hey, Xem!" he called, "MarioDS01 put up a fic, we need help containing it!"

"Got it," nodded Xem, walking to the door.

"E3," continued TL, "We'll meet you in the command HQ, after you go through processing."

"OK!" I waved as they left.

There was a brief pause.

"…what is processing?" I asked, somewhat nervously.

An MiB walked up.

"Sir, if you will follow me," he ordered.

I shrugged, and followed him through another door.

There was a sudden, high-pitched scream, and the sound of heavy machinery.

"…he's gonna be a while, isn't he?" asked Timmy.

"Yep," nodded Jazz, taking a nearby seat.

She took out her phone and began to send a message…

* * *

…_and now it's time for Squidward Riffs, with Squidward Q. Tentacles._

**Dear Neptune, what has she gotten me into…**

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den f*kk off! **You are a wonderful person.** ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **…I don't know what she said either.**

I was really scared about Vlodemort _**Voldemort**_ all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **Could you extend it? I don't think it's long enough…idiot.** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR **and that we stink**. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **Is their a requirement for every character to look like a moron in this?**) and Hargrid **Hagrid**. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **like anyone who reads this wants to do right now** (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that **what, cross? CROSS. CROSS. CROSS. CROSS. Is she dead yet?**) or a steak **as opposed to a stake**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **How is that movie 'depressing?'** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **Of course not. Sigh.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **No, she's realised that her life is no longer worth living.**

"What the f**k do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the f**king bastard told me to f**king kill Harry! **Did I swear enough for you there?** But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will f**king kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **Yeah. Because he just happened to be standing behind a wall. Riiight.**

"Why didn't you f**king tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you f**king poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **What, you mean the swearing?**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **As this rate, Hogwarts could refill the worlds oceans.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **How do you cry wisely?** (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **Even though you specifically said that he can't die.**

**Oh, by the way, this is never mentioned again.**

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **Please, stop trying to write.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666 _**Hilarious.**_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her f**k off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **Apparently teaching responsibilities end at your bedroom door. OK then.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. _**'Craaaaaawling in my skin!'**_** … sorry, I was paid to do that.** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **You are trying to kill yourself with meat products. It will be less then effective.** I was so f**king depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **Do we have to go through this every time you change your clothes?** I couldn't f**king believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! _**Masticating?**_ They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU F**KING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT! **FEAR MY ALLCAPS!**" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!** Alakazam!**" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun **You're a vampire-wizard? Why do you need a gun?** and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke **and they died**. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **That's not hilariously over the top. **_**Not at all.**_ he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid **Hagrid** ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid **Hagrid**? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **Actually, he's the game keeper.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid **Hagrid** paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **Is he a Spartan as well?**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! **He doesn't have any what? Bananas?**" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly **I can't even pronounce that**. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **Eew.**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid **Hagrid** said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **Oh please no.**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!" **…aw, come on.**

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid **Hagrid** isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **…err…yeah, let's go with that.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666 **Still not funny. **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was about to slit my wrists again **that's kind of an unhealthy habit** with the silver knife that Drago

**Do I have to?**

_**Sigh.**_

_**Dragoooooo.**_

had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid **Hagrid** but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. _**Red Whites?**_** What, are you colour-blind?**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt! **Hurray.**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **This guy is the hero.** then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **Please don't bring bondage into this. This story is poor enough as it is.**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **Hagrid** were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **in Florida** after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those f**king pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz **unlike the protagonist**. Dumbledore had constipated **that's disgusting** the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid **Hagrid** came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby **Hag…Ebony** I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"F**k off." I told him. "You know I f**king hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like f**ked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **Even though he was in a gothic band?**

"No Enoby." Hargrid **Hagrid** says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **What happens if he brings sunflowers?**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **yes**) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." **Yes, yes they are.** He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **…and Hagrid is saying this…alright then.**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

Hairgrid **Hagrid** rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **You hear that? That's the sound of a decent author weeping.**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid **Hagrid** yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache **thank Neptune** or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid **HAGRID!** stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

**I'm gonna skip the aimless description. You'll thank me for it later.**

Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **…and he doesn't get in trouble…**_**why?**_

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Why? Just…why?**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **I was told that I wasn't allowed to stop until I commented on that line. So here is my comment – it's terrible.**

**I'm going home. Don't follow me. That means you, Spongebob.**

* * *

I stumbled out another sliding door, covering in bruises. I muttered to myself as I dusted myself off and straightened my tie.

"No amount of therapy will ever get rid of…"

I stopped. I was now standing on an enclosed observation deck, looking out over the Earth. Xem and TL were there, but they were not alone. Cartoonatic, Movie-Brat, Tweenisode, Third Kind and Dimentio stood with them, behind the head of CAFE, the one who'd had me brought here.

"It's time," said Winston Churchill, "We told you the truth."

I tilted my head, utterly perplexed.

* * *

...and now the fun starts.

Plotwise, anyway. _My Immortal_ still sucks.


	25. MI IV: She Blinded Me With Stupid

This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life. I take comfort in the fact that in my suffering, I am causing others to suffer. :P (Just kidding, I love you guys)

Review replies;

**Gokiburi Prince:** We shall see. :) Thanks for reading!

**TND:** Meh people go offtopic. I once saw a thread that went from sparkling Nazis to funeral plans. It was strange. :| Thanks for reviewing!

**Sgt. Reynol:** I can arrange that... :P Thanks for the review!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Not good enough. We need to catapult it into space in an adamatium cage. Thanks very much!

**Madness Abe:** Yep, it's a story arc. Because I don't rip of Linkara enough as is! :D Thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** I don't know...I really don't know. *weeps* Thanks for the response!

**Cartoonatic55:** I don't blame them. I'm not even reading it for the first time, and I feel like committing seppuku. Anyway, I reckon you'll like this chapter! :) Thanks a lot!

**Movie-Brat:** No she did not. Thanks exceedingly!

**TLSoulDude:** That is the spelling. It is a wonder to behold. And not the good kind of wonder, either. |:( Thanks for viewing!

**Nagasha:** I'm mortified enough that Twilight exists at all, never mind a TDI version. :{ Thanks for the messege!

**Dimentio713:** Hold on, my friend! There's only twenty-something chapters left! ...*weeps again* Thanks a bunch!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** Yeah, I agree - she's probably a troll. We should eat her. :| Thank you!

**RandomNumbers523156**: We've only scraped the surface of badness, friend. : Thanks for the read!

**unknown20troper:** I don't know how I missed that one. XD Thanks friend!

**

* * *

My Immortal Part IV: She Blinded Me With Stupid**

Eons ago, before the establishment of human civilization somewhere in ancient Mesopotamia, there lived a being. This entity was not a god, nor an essence of great cosmic entity – if anything, it was more of a prophet.

The Being made a series of three predictions, writing them in an ancient language on the rock-face of the Hindu-Kush mountains, that would not come into effect for thousands and thousands of years.

The first prediction was simple – that there would be a written work to threaten all of reality, the Worst Thing Ever Imagined, and that that work would be used by those with evil intentions to take over the Earth, and that the only hope of stopping them rested in the hands of those who could recognise the threat of the work.

The second and third, however, were much more cryptic, much less easy to decipher. They spoke of a Dark Thing from beyond the Moon, and a great storm that will shake the very foundations of the Great Communicator (we know this as the Internet.)

With these predictions made, the Being moved on, vanishing into the vast mists of time.

How do we know of this? Simple. In 1897, British troops engaged in battle with Pashtun tribes in what we now know as Pakistan. During this engagement, scouts (including a young Winston Churchill) uncovered the prophecy, carved into a cliff-face not far from Malakand.

Over the next century, the prophecy was examined by British, Indian and US intelligence agencies, before it was at last cracked in 2004 by the Indian Intelligence Bureau, and transferred to the newly founded CAFE, an organisation not connected to any government founded to observe the new phenomena of fanfiction.

…this brings us to the present.

* * *

"So, My Immortal is the result of an ancient prophecy, and the only people who can save the world from its badness are a bunch of internet nerds and their cartoon allies?" I mused.

"Stranger things have happened," shrugged Churchill.

"There's worse," added Dimentio, "The Tsar's opened a hole between the world of fanfiction and our dimension."

"Why's that so bad?" I asked.

"He's using it to release OCs," replied Dimentio, seriously.

"_Oh my god._"

"That's where you come in," continued Churchill, "You will enter Alexander's flagship, deactivate the hole, deactivate the hypnotanium and defeat this perfidious Tsar."

He gave a puff of his cigar.

"We are all counting on you," he stated, "The fate of the whole vast tapestry of human history relies on your success. Do not fail."

He turned and walked away.

"…well, that's easier said then done," shrugged Tweenisode.

_

* * *

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared._

"Gasp!" I exclaimed, "It's a grammatically correct sentence!"

"Maybe it's gonna improve," grinned Third Kind.

"_Dumbledore Dumblydore!"_

"Or maybe not," she sighed.

We had returned to the limo, we being myself, Cartoonatic, Third Kind, Jazz and Timmy. We were now soaring through space to the Tsar's flagship, _Rusalka_, to engage him in battle.

On the way, we read My Immortal. I must say, I'd rather have been fishing.

"_What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily._

"_Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time._

_He laughed in an evil voice._

"What, is that how he always reacts to bad news?" asked Cartoonatic, confused.

"Professor, I've overcooked your pie," imitated Jazz.

Timmy laughed manically.

"_I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away._

"Ouch," I winced, "I think that character mutilation physically hurt."

"_Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood._

"OK, seriously," warned Jazz, "You're crying _blood_. You need to see a doctor."

_Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed._

"_What?" I asked him._

"_You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!_

"That was a _horrible_ idea," snapped TK.

(Before anyone asks, I will not be making a Digimon joke here.)

_We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"_

_It was….._

"Osama?" I guessed.

_Voldemort!_

"Meh, close enough."

_AN: f*k off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!_

"O…kay then," gulped Cartoonatic.

_WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD._

"Scray?" mused Timmy, "It sounds like a kind of fish."

_We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was._

"You mean Wormtail," deadpanned TK.

_Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him._

"_You mean Wormtail!_" snapped TK.

"_Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)_

"…we could say anything right now, and it would not do this justice," mused Timmy.

"We could dance instead," I suggested.

I began to dance at the drivers seat.

"What is love!" I sang, poorly, "Baby don't hurt me! Don't…hurt…you know, the internet meme…"

I received naught but stares.

"Never mind," I murmured.

"_Huh?" I asked._

"_Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the f**k? You torture my bf and then you expect me to f**k you? God, you are so f**ked up you f**king bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain._

"_Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly._

"You've got to admit, that mental image is kinda funny," shrugged Timmy.

"_Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming!_

"You mean like…" I began.

"Don't even think about it," sighed Cartoonatic.

_We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying._

"_What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything._

"How far are we?" asked Jazz.

"Chapter 14," replied TK.

Jazz buried her head in her hands.

"OK, the next few chapters are utter crap," I sighed, "It's pretty much everything we've seen before, we take nothing new from it except a slightly amusing fight with 'Raven'. But then we get to Chapter 18 and…"

BANG.

The limo shook and began to spiral out of control. We braced ourselves as it barrelled towards the hard metal side of the _Rusalka_. The last thing I saw before blacking out was a green tractor beam emitting from the vessel…

* * *

"…heh. We got ourselves a prize…my dear, maybe we should…"

"Don't bother with it, sunshine, we wait for him to wake up. Lord Beckett's orders."

"Don't remember you bein' one to care for the prisoners, Mercer."

"I'm _not_. I'm carrying out orders. Screw this guy."

"…not such a bad idea, Mercer. Maybe we should…"

"I'm game. You in, Mercer?"

"Not that kind of bloke, love. I _was_ thinking of doing a bit o'…carving…"

"If I may interrupt your sick fantasies, tovarish, he's waking up…"

I opened my eyes. I was on the bed in somebody's quarters, four figures standing above me. One was a run of the mill soldier (a pre-WWI Russian soldier, in fact), holding his rifle at my face. One of them was the coated man from earlier, Mercer. The other two wore labcoats and goggles, but were otherwise familiar…

"Sandy and the Penguin?" I quizzed.

"Wrong," sneered 'the Penguin', "We came through the OC portal. Recognise us?"

I blinked.

"Disney Parodies forum?" reminded 'the Penguin', "Crack pairs? OC concept?"

"Oh yeah," I nodded, "You're Doctors Insandy and Penguinsano, Cartoonatic's OCs…"

I blinked.

"…wait, that's very bad," I realised.

"We're 'ere to interrogate you, Mr. 350," sneered Mercer, showing a knife, "Private, leave the room."

The soldier nodded and left.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, nervously.

"You know what we want," snarled Insandy, "You're gonna fork the intel over, or we're gonna make your life…interesting."

"You go first," nodded Mercer, grabbing a book from his jacket, "Don't mind me."

"…err, what are you doing?" I asked, as the Insanos edged towards me.

"We want to know the Secret," replied Penguinsano, "If we have some fun in the progress, well…that is just fine…"

And thus, I screamed.

* * *

Torture - still preferrable to My Immortal.


	26. MI V: Elevators and Insanos

Fun Fact: Microsoft Word marks Ebony's full name as an address.

Review replies;

**a non mini mouse:** I don't review lists. Sorry. :) Thanks for reading!

**They Call Me Agent:** I'll see what I can do. :) Thanks for reviewing!

**Madness Abe:** Probably not at this point, but I'll keep you in mind next time I do something big like this. :) Thanks for the review!

**TLSouldDude:** I concur. Heck, there's scarier stuff in the freaking Care Bears! :| Some people just don't get it, do they? Thanks very much!

**Dimentio713:** Tell me about it. It sounds like a serious medical condition. Thanks!

**unknown20troper:** That's probably because I'm reaching the point where very moment of reading this is agony, and I just want it done. :} Thanks for the response!

**Sgt. Reynol:** No, I think that's disturbing as well. :[ Thanks a bunch!

**Cartoonatic55:** ...there's a Twilight My Immortal? [flatlines] Glad I got you in character! Thanks for the read!

**Nagasha:** Very true. :D Thank you!

**TND:** My Immortal is certainly an unpleasant experience. Thanks a lot!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** Well, if all of reality ends, there's no more My Immortal. That much is a plus. :D Danke!

**TweenisodeOrange: **I know of no secret. Or do I? That is a secret. :) Thanks, my friend!

**Wherever Girl:** Too true. (Also, don't worry, you spelt it right. :)) Thanks for the messege!

* * *

**My Immortal Part V: Elevators and Insanos**

So there I was, about to be tortured in ways I cannot describe (without bringing the rating up to NC-17, and you _know_ what the site thinks of those).

I shut my eyes and prepared for the worst as the Insanos advanced.

There was a loud bang, a louder 'ratatatat', and the sound of metal clanging.

I opened my eyes.

The Insanos and Mercer had taken up position by the door. On the other side of the room, a large hole had been blasted in the wall. Dimentio, Tweenisode and a large, pink starfish.

"Patrick?" I quizzed.

"Yeah, we don't know how he got here either," shrugged Tweenisode.

"You're outmatched, Insan…persons!" snapped Dimentio, "Let the wimp go!"

I pouted.

"You really think you can make a difference here?" snapped Mercer, "There are dozens of soldiers defending the bridge – you'll never make it through them, even if you tried."

"Might as well give up," sneered Penguinsano, "We'll see you upstairs. We've been…_dying_ for some good entertainment on this ship!"

The Insanos laughed hysterically as they left the room, Mercer dourly following.

"That one was terrible," sighed Tweenisode, shaking her head.

"Why exactly are Sandy and the Penguin dressed like Dr. Insano?" asked Dimentio.

"Uhh…alternate universe, OC portal, the usual," I shrugged, "What now?"

"We take the elevator!" Patrick exclaimed dramatically, throwing me my Tommy Gun.

He hurtled into the corridor, leading us at high-speed into an unoccupied lift. The doors closed behind us.

"So," asked Tweenisode, "How long does this elevator take?"

I looked at a timer on the wall.

"Fifteen minutes," I replied, "Ruddy Soviet equipment, never works…"

I pulled the fic from my pocket (by now it was very crinkled).

"So, we're up to Chapter 18," I explained, "You up for some reading?"

"No," replied Tweenisode and Dimentio, in ustion.

"Oh well," I shrugged, and began to read.

_Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys._

"The corruption," shuddered Tweenisode, "It's…contagious."

"_WTF!"_

"Oh, I know what that stands for," interrupted Patrick, "Wacky Towel Friday!"

"Ah yes, best event ever," I grinned, reminiscing.

_I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets._

"I'm wearing a shirt, tie and pants," I stated, "There, that's all we need to know."

_Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong._

"How about 'none of the above?'" asked Tweenisode.

"_Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was_

"Wait, who the heck is _Navel?_" demanded Tweenisode, "Who would call themselves that! That's disgusting!"

_saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black._

"No, no-no-no-no, not him, anyone but…" stammered Tweenisode.

"…_.DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped._

"…son of a biscuit," groaned Tweenisode.

"_Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"_

_Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer._

"Boo!" jeered Dimentio, "How _dare_ they have different interests to us! How _dare_ they!"

"_BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes._

"What was the RANDOM SCREAMING IN the middle of the sentence for?" I asked.

"_What a f**king poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard)_

"…I don't get it," blurted Patrick.

"I think I need to shoot something," I groaned.

Dimentio took away my Tommy Gun.

"You can have it back when we get to our floor," he told me.

"_I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted._

"At 115?" quizzed Tweenisode.

"Moving along," I sighed, "We have more glurge, Malfoy and Ebony get into an argument about…absolutely nothing, Hagrid and Dumbledore merrily intrude on the girl's bathroom, nothing to be concerned about…"

_Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1_

"…holy crap, that is out of character," I finished, eyes widening.

_Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely f**king hot._

"_WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him._

"_Oh he's bein a f**king bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me?_

"There's a joke here, but I'd like to think I'm better then that," I deadpanned.

"OK, we have no idea what's going on right now," sighed Dimentio, "Just imagine…stuff happening. Y'know, concerts, angst, poor spelling, gratuitous swearing, everything we've all seen so far."

"Then 'Fug' and the 'Mystery of Magic' come in," added Tweenisode, "No explanation is given."

_All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped._

_Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!_

"They watch her while she sleeps?" I quizzed, "That sounds familiar…almost like…"

"Oh no!" gasped Patrick, "It's like…Cool Runnings!"

Tweenisode, Dimentio and I collectively face-palmed.

_I opened my crimson eyes. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle._

My eyes caught fire.

"So, then they all go to the Great Hall," continued Tweenisode, "There, 'Doris Rumbridge' and Fudge are having a bit of an argument with Dumbledore."

"_THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"_

"_THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge._

"The trees will rise from the ground and destroy us all!" exclaimed Dimentio.

"_YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"_

"Alright," imitated Tweenisode, "I'll just load my last save…"

"_Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."_

"What?" I blurted, "That's not the prophecy! Aw, son of a…"

BING.

The lift doors opened.

We were standing in what seemed to be an observation deck, with a large window on the left-hand side. Through this, we could see the Earth.

"Well," I gulped, "Here we are."

We stepped out of the lift, just as there was another 'BING' from the elevator next to us. The rest of CAFÉ, along with Timmy and Jazz, piled out.

"How did you all fit in there?" I quizzed.

"Don't ask," deadpanned TL.

"So, we're gonna be going through to the bridge, then," nodded MB, "Time to kick the Tsar's…"

"Not so fast," snapped TK, "We're forgetting something."

There was a brief pause.

"Lock-and-load montage!" shouted Dimentio, at last.

[INSERT EPIC MUSIC HERE]

Cartoonatic reached into her pockets, and pulled out a large weapon similar to a machine gun – except instead of bullets, the belt was armed with wands. She added the belt to the weapon and loaded it.

MB slapped on a pair of goggles, before pulling a katana from its scabbard. He swung it a few times, before making a pose.

TL took out an automatic crossbow, and loaded its arrows. Nodding, he then took out an E-Tool (a collapsible spade), and put it together. Satisfied, he hung the crossbow over his shoulder.

TK took a trinket out of her pocket, and held it into the air. There were a collection of bright lights, and when it receded, she was wearing the kind of attire usually accredited to magical girls from anime. She also wielded a staff.

Tweenisode took out her machinegun, and loaded a new clip into it. Once this was done, she held it at hip level, and grinned.

Xem grabbed his plasma cannon, and charged it. Once this was done, he fired a test round at the wall, and gave a satisfied nod at the result.

Dimentio pulled his mask from his pants and put it on. Once he did so, he transformed into an orange monkey with a flaming tail. Once the transformation had occurred, he pulled out his Purity Sword.

Timmy held out his hands, and with a puff of smoke and a 'poof', a large green hammer appeared in his hands. Holding it over his shoulder, he extended his throwing arm, and a pink boomerang materialised in it.

Jazz pulled a remote from her pocket, and pressed a button. There was the sound of metal assembling, and the peeler suit accumulated around her. Once this was done, she crossed her arms.

Patrick gave a sudden and unexpected roar, and curled his arms into fists. With a cry of 'PATRICK SMASH!', he pounded the floor, and it cracked.

There was a brief pause, before I gave a low cough and turned off the safety on my Tommy Gun.

"I need cooler weapons," I sighed.

* * *

Sorry if there are any inaccuracies in the montage.

Well, the next chapter will wrap this up. I'm going to speed review the remaining chapters, because if I don't, we'll be here forever. :|


	27. MI VI: Life, the Universe and Kings

This probably isn't as good as the other chapters, and is heavily plot-based, but I wanted this done before I leave for Europe.

Review replies;

**Mailbox Maniac:** I'll see what I can do - no promises though. Thanks for reading!

**strawberry jelly:** Thanks very much! It's nice to get comments like that. :D

**unknown20troper:** I'm glad you thought this one was an improvement. Yep, I'd say that's about right indeed. :D Thanks for reviewing!

**Nagasha:** It is rough indeed, but I might survive. _Might. _Thanks for the review!_  
_

**Madness Abe:** Can't go wrong with those. :) Thanks very much!

**AnimatedC9000:** I went off the deep end long ago - that's how I stay sane. :P Thanks a bunch!

**Dimentio713:** ...my gun has a drum magazine...that's a _little_ cool, right? Thank you!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Plus, it looks cool! :D Danke!

**The Ghost Reviewer: **Chernobyl. That is all. Definately painfully stupid, to pick a worse. Thanks exceedingly!

**TLSoulDude:** Individuality is for squares! Like pants! :| Thanks a lot.

**TND:** Mate, I think Tara is _definately_ crazier then Chris Chan. :[ Thanks for the message!

**Wherever Girl:** Lock and load montages make everything better. XD Thanks for the read!

**Cartoonatic55:** Yes, you should be thinking dirty. - _Twilight_ My Immortal, eh? (stabs eyes with forks.) Thanks, my friend!

**Movie-Brat:** Aye...but for how long. D: Thanks for the response!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Epicness will (hopefully) ensue. If not, double your money back! Thanks for viewing.**  
**

* * *

**My Immortal Part VI: Life, the Universe and Kings**

So there we were.

Standing at the door to the bridge of _Rusalka, _we anticipated – nay, _expected_ there to be resistance on the other side, from the men of both the Tsar and Beckett.

We did not expect what we actually saw.

With a tremendous bang, the door was forced open by Patrick's weight, and we rushed in.

"…what happened?" quizzed Tweenisode, confused.

Soldiers clad in green and blue lay across the bridge, some moaning as they clutched wounds. Beckett was crumpled in one of the commander's chairs, his wig discarded. The Tsar was backed against a wall, held back by a group of men in grey uniforms and pointed helmets. Their robed leader held a sword to his throat.

"Is this a bad time?" I quizzed.

The robed leader turned, and gave a sneer.

"Ah, yah, CAFE," he need, "I haff heard about you."

"Who are _you?_" demanded Dimentio, holding his sword aloft.

"You don't know me, _schweinhunt?_" chuckled the leader, humourlessly, "I am none other zen His Imperial and Royal Majesty Wilhelm the Second, by the Grace of God, German Emperor and King of Prussia, Margrave of Brandenburg, Burgrave of Nuremberg, Count of Hohenzollern, Duke of Silesia and of the County of Glatz, Grand Duke of the Lower Rhine and of Posen, Duke of Saxony, of Angria, of Westphalia, of Pomerania and of Lunenburg, Duke of Schleswig, of Holstein and of Crossen, Duke of Magdeburg, of Bremen, of Guelderland and of Jülich, Cleves and Berg, Duke of the Wends and the Kashubians, of Lauenburg and of Mecklenburg, Landgrave of Hesse and in Thuringia, Margrave of Upper and Lower Lusatia, Prince of Orange, of Rugen, of East Friesland, of Paderborn and of Pyrmont, Prince of Halberstadt, of Münster, of Minden, of Osnabrück, of Hildesheim, of Verden, of Kammin, of Fulda, of Nassau and of Moers, Princely Count of Henneberg, Count of the Mark, of Ravensberg, of Hohenstein, of Tecklenburg and of Lingen, Count of Mansfeld, of Sigmaringen and of Veringen, Lord of Frankfurt!"

There was a long silence.

"A simple 'I'm the Kaiser' would have sufficed," snapped the Tsar.

"Oh, you're ze vun to talk!" thundered the Kaiser, moving his sword back to the Tsar's throat, "Now, kameraden, arrest zis fool…and cut of his head."

"Nyet, you Prussian dog!" thundered the Tsar, unsheathing his sword and throwing himself at the Kaiser.

We watched in awe as the two autocratic monarchs engaged each-other in a fierce duel, neither willing to give ground as their swords clashed.

"Well, this is the part where I sit in the corner and read the fic while everyone else fights," I shrugged, "Jazz, Patrick, Timmy, you're with me."

I walked non-chalantantly to the corner as the Germans advanced on the rest of CAFE.

"Why are we helping him?" quizzed Dimentio.

Then they began to fight.

"OK, where were we up to?" I asked, as the battle raged on.

"I…honestly don't know," shrugged Jazz.

"OK, that'll do."

_AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!_

"I had to read that sentence three times to decipher it," noted Jazz.

_Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo._

"As opposed to looking like, y'know…Crabbe and Goyle," nodded TL, backing to our vicinity.

A soldier dived at him, bayonet ready. TL responded with a swing of the E-Tool, hitting him in the right temple and sending him crashing to two other soldiers, knocking them all out.

TL rubbed his hands and walked back towards the fight.

_Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother._

"Oh, come on," I snapped, "Shooting each other over a girl? That's pointless – like shooting people over a fanfic!"

There was a loud shot, and a German flew face first onto the ground next to me. Xem blew on the barrel of the Plasma Cannon, gave us a wave, and continued to fire from his position.

"OK, so things happen, Har-_Vampire_ and Draco fight, and then Voldemort (or is it Darth Vader – both names get thrown in) comes in and threatens everyone," explained Jazz, "After a quick talk with Professor Trelawney, we learn Ebony's solution to this."

"_When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him._

"_Of course!_" thundered Dimentio, his head snapping around to face us.

"...err, it's not about taking over the world," I reminded.

"I know," nodded Dimentio, "I just wanted to do that."

He turned around, and started to run amongst the Germans, felling many with his Purity Sword as he swung it before him.

"So, stuff happens, there's…something involving Snape and stuff, and Ebony does the time warp again," continued Timmy.

_Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111_

"OK, I don't claim to be an expert, but isn't that guy from the Lord of the Rings?" I asked.

"_guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered._

"_hogsment?" I asked._

"_yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"_

'_topic!" I finshed, happy again._

_He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned._

"What?" demanded TK, emerging from the fight for a few seconds, "How do you know stuff from _your future?_"

"You, surrender or…" a soldier began.

TK gave a yell of frustration and swung her staff, taking out three Germans, before firing a beam of energy into their comrades, blasting them across the bridge.

"O…k," I nodded, "After this point…it's just totally incomprehensible. I'm not even sure who's doing who, what's going, why it's happening, someone hacks the story which was pretty funny, and Marty McFly…sorry, _Morty _McFly appears."

I sighed, and put the fic down.

"This fic beat me," I sighed, standing, "I admit it."

"…and that vat ve needed."

The Kaiser gave a sneer, and jumped into the air. With a roar, he thrust his sword downwards. The Tsar tried to block, but missed.

The Kaiser didn't.

The Tsar gave a gasp, and fell on his back, his opponent's sword in his chest.

There were no more soldiers.

There was no more Beckett.

There was no more Tsar.

The Kaiser stood, alone, before us.

"_Gute nacht, mein Russischer freund,_" he lamented, before turning to face us.

"Not bad for a one-armed guy," admitted TL.

"Vat do you mean 'vun-armed?'" demanded the Kaiser.

"Well…you're hiding your left…"

"_ZERE IS NOTHINK VRONG VITH MEIN LEFT ARM!_"

TL raised an eyebrow, and backed off.

"Now," nodded the Kaiser, regaining his cool, "I haff no interest in killing you today, CAFE. Vunce I scuttle zis vessel and disable ze hypnotanium, ve vill go our separate vays…"

He narrowed his eyes.

"But, mein kameraden, ve vill meet again," he sneered, "You are pivotal to ze Secret, even if you know _nicht_ of it. The Tsar vas a mere power-hungry nuisance, ve are your true enemies."

"Who the heck are you?" demanded Cartoonatic, clutching her Wand-Tommy.

The Kaiser paused.

"Ve are ze Moonlight Society," he replied, "Don't forget zat name."

And with that, he vanished, and we were alone and bewildered.

* * *

The hypnotanium wore off the next morning. I found Danny, Sam and Tucker in an abandoned carnival, apparently in the middle of some bizarre ritual that involved sacrificing Elmer the boil kid.

We all had a good laugh.

The _Rusalka_ was scuttled, it's final resting place being on the surface of the moon. Mostly intact, it could still function as a base…something to be kept in mind.

As for Mercer and the Insanos, they vanished without a trace. We would not see them for many weeks…

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the North Pole…_

"Alert the colonel, Sarge – we found it."

"Understood. Sir, this is Sergeant Reynol to Outcast, we found the package, I say again, we have the package…"

* * *

Again, sorry if that sucked.


	28. Top Six Epic Fails of E3's Past

HMS Embarrasment has docked on shedule. :|

Review replies;

**sandy-cheeks-is-awesome:** I'll see. Thanks for reading!

**Madness Abe:** That you do. ;) Thanks for reviewing!

**Dimentio713:** I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the review.

**SplatMan: **...your archnemesis is the Kaiser? :\ Thanks very much!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yeah, we're done. Don't worry, though, it's not Marty, it's _Morty._ :D Thanks!

**unknown20troper:** Yeah, I'm a bit gutted about that. Life goes on. :) Thanks for the response!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** We've reached the end...but there's more to come. :) Thankyou!

**Nagasha:** I think whoever can finish this deserves a knighthood. Danke Shon!

**TLSoulDude:** Yeah, I heard of that. I also heard he was in a deleted scene. Thanks for the reply!

**Xemnas1992:** Perhaps one day I shall finish... Merci boku!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Too right, mate. :D Thanks for reading!

**Wherever Girl: **Hmm...that's a good point... (Incidentally, I went to both in Europe - had a great deal of fun, thanks! :) ) Thanks a bunch!

* * *

**Return Special – Top Ele…Six Most Epic Fails of E350s Past**

Forgive me, my friends, as I have been gone twelve weeks, trekking the globe in an effort to put my life back in order after failing to finish _My Immortal_. I faced many trials as I searched for myself across the continents, did things I relish and regret…

By that, I mean I had a twelve week shower of angst. Then my water was cut off.

Now, however, I have regained my composure, by reminding myself that failing to finish that abomination is by no means the worst thing I ever did.

After all, if you can't mock others, you can always mock yourself.

So therefore, I present to you, the Top Twelve Most Epic Failings of My Past.

* * *

_No. Six – Everything I Ever Did on NickDisk Reloaded_

I was sitting in the review room, with Danny, Sam and Tucker. The room was covered in cobwebs and dust, as it had not been used in a long time.

"Please don't do this to me," I wheezed, "You know how much my behaviour there embarrassed me…"

"It's for your own good," shrugged Danny, "As we mentioned in an earlier review, E3 used to be a member of NickDisk Reloaded, under the username Tommy_baby – there's where the TB part of E3's devart comes from."

"_Although it no longer stands for anything,_" I snarled.

"Anyway, let's have a look at some of these gems," Sam grinned nastily.

_"What's a Harvood Plague?" Timmy asked._

_The girl sighed. _

_"It's been going on for months, people are getting sick, turning into part mouse part human beings. It's from the smoke coming from the factory."_

"…what," blurted Tucker.

"It made sense in context!" I snapped.

"Really?" asked Tucker.

"…no, not really."

_And thus, Timmy reapreared in our universe. But there are many more delutional universes in Tiimmy's Bathroom Mirror. Say it sssllloowwwlllyyy and time is slow. Say it very-quickly and time is fast._

"And if you know the password, you can even get the scene selection!" nodded Danny.

"Timmy's bathroom mirror," added Sam, "Even better then Tucker's shelf."

_TB: Oh, this is simple. I know the room plan. It has lasers and mutated fish with lasers on thier heads. Easy._

There was a long pause.

"No, the joke's too obvious," sighed Tucker.

_TB: He's changing shape! _

_(Timmy is indeed changing shape) _

_SPONGEBOB: Sandy, do something...Sandy? _

_SANDY: Processing file date, 2340859..._

"…was I high or something?" I asked.

"Who knows," shrugged Sam, "Point is, E3's Nickdisk stuff – avoid at all costs."

* * *

_No. Five – Nickhouse Vlad_

"Now, Nickhouse is a concept I've wanted to revive," I replied, "I first wrote it in 2005, and to be honest…it's really showing its age."

_"Now that Danny is gone, my plan begans!" he said._

"As demonstrated," I nodded, "Can you see why I'm going to mostly disregard the old plots?"

"The worst…or maybe _best_ part is how Vlad's written," grinned Danny, "I mean, just look at how he wrote the frootloop…"

_"So Danny, you think you can get away from me, can you?" said Vlad evily, "Well your wrong!" Vlad let out an evil chuckle._

"…ok, apart from not calling you Daniel, it's not that bad," mused Tucker.

_Next to the swinging rebels was Danny Phantom...swinging on a rope over lava. _

_"You've been a thorn in my side far too long, Nickhouse," said Vlad, "So now, you meet your end! !"_

Danny snorted.

"He's hanging you over _lava?_" quizzed Sam, "Classic evil, right there."

_Meanwhile, in the E-Lab, Vlad and the Nickentest were talking. _

_"This better work, I gave you 100 bucks," said Vlad._

"Oh wow, a hundred bucks," deadpanned Sam.

"The Nickentest?" quizzed Danny.

"Yeah, he never happened," I replied.

"Of course, this has gotta be the best part," smirked Danny, "Get ready…"

_Vlad was out in the middle of the courtyard in the heavy rain. Ghoster returned to him and told him the plan was going well. _Vlab_ held back his head and laughed evily. The laugh echoed. _

_"Let us begin the fall of good," Vlad said._

"…and I can taste the ham from here!" exclaimed Danny, laughing, "Man, that was corny!"

"I was twelve!" I snapped, "I didn't know who Napoleon was back then! I can't be held accountable for being a little pr-"

"Next!" yelled Tucker.

* * *

_No. 4 – The Nickmas Special_

"Ooh, this one's bad," cringed Tucker.

"We've already reviewed an episode of Nickdale Tales on SquidRiffs," I nodded, "But this is not only worse…it's _strange_."

"The basic idea is that Tommy Pickles has to take a test to beat an evil demon thing who took over the school Christmas Party," explained Danny, "What is this horrible evil called?"

"_I AM ARNIE KIFFMAN!_" _he screamed,_ "_HEAR MY WORDS!"_

I buried my head in my hands.

"The basic idea is that _Arnie Kiffman_ believes humans are hypocrites because they celebrate peace and goodwill while fighting each other," continued Tucker, "Which would've been a good plot-point, had this story actually been any good."

"First up, Tommy's given a test of character," continued Sam, "With questions like these."

"_Truth," _Kiffman interrupted, _Number Three! Would you choose Washington, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt or FDR?"_

"Yep – way to test humanity, Arnie," deadpanned Sam.

"I like Ike," I interrupted, defiantly.

"They then decide the fate of the world over a game of _Risk_," continued Tucker, "That's like working out real estate with _Monopoly_."

"The game's played out with miniature clones of the party guests as the pieces," added Danny, "And this is how it plays out…"

_The game began. It was slow and boring at first, with a couple of fights in Asia, and Tommy taking undefended territories in South America. In fact, Kiffman had left everywhere but his European territories undefended._

_Then Tommy came to Europa._

_Kiffman withdrew his territories to the Great Britain territory._

"Kiffman, you are an idiot, and you have lost," I groaned.

"The next part's actually got a good message, even though it's badly written," Tucker went on, "Tommy refuses to attack Kiffman's pieces because that means the mini-clones will die. He adds that Christmas is the one day of the year that people can stop fighting and celebrate peace. Kind of corny, but not a bad message."

"Kiffman concedes victory to Tommy, and frees his captives," I explained, "…and the clones. Yes, after this story, there are mini-clones of major characters living under the school."

"…and nobody ever notices," groaned Sam.

"So, that's the whole story," I finished, "It's a _small wonder_ I thought it satisfactory."

"Lame!" yelled Sam.

* * *

_No. 3 – Be Fair Minded_

"Nickelodeon Metropolis was one of the eight-hundred and fifty billion 'glorious new stories' I made in my days on Nickdisk," I explained, "It was another wonderful minefield, including stuff like _this._"

_TOMMY (B): (Babyspeak) __Who ares they?_

_CHUCKIE (B): __They look weird._

_PHIL (B): __One of them...pulled my diapey._

I buried my head in my hands.

"None of them, however, were weirder then this 'episode,'" added Danny, "It starts innocently enough – Spongebob and Mr. Krabs organize a fair. Then this happens."

_**The kids starting getting pulled toward the mirrors. Arnold gets sucked into one.**_

"The cast get sucked into mirrors and replaced by evil clones," continued Sam, "And then they get muted because there's no sound in mirrors. Fair enough, that could make a good story…"

"…then they turn black and white, because that's what mirror reflections do, right?" interrupted Danny, "Oh wait – _they don't._"

"Eventually, they get out by…smashing the mirror," continued Tucker, "Kind of obvious, if you really think about it."

"Then Spongebob, as the Quickster, has a fight with Plankton," added Danny, "It goes like this."

_FRENCH NARRATOR: (OS) Round 1. _

_**Plankton makes the first move, and his suit hits Spongebob in the nuts.**_

_FRENCH NARRATOR: (OS) Round 2. _

_**Spongebob shatters the suits leg.**_

_PLANKTON: If you beleive in that, you just got 7 years bad luck. _

_FRENCH NARRATOR: (OS) Round 3. _

_**Both go a eachother at once, and Plankton grabs hold of Spongebob.**_

_PLANKTON: AT LAST! I WIN! _

_SPONGEBOB: N-n-no...you don't... _

_**Kicks the main control pannel of the mirrorbot, causing it to malfution.**_

_PLANKTON: No...no...not the prison! _

_**The machine explodes and Plankton vanishes, replaced by Spongebob's friends.**_

"Exhilarating," deadpanned Sam.

"We get a last scene with the main villain – who's called _Evil Guy_," groaned Tucker, "And we finally end."

"Mirrors," I groaned, "I will never write about them again."

* * *

_No. 2 – Halfa Sandy Twice-a Sandy_

"Now, this is more of the execution then the idea," I said, "Back in Nickdale Tales, I wrote an arc in which Sandy turned out to be half-ghost. Why?"

I held up a copy of Just Cause 2.

"_Just 'Cause!_"

"Never do that again," ordered Sam.

"And as a story, it's not as bad as a lot of my old stuff," I shrugged, "The writing's a bit off, but it's an okay tale – Sandy tells Spongebob that they'll still be friends no matter what happens, and the story goes on. The problem?"

"The problem is it's never really foreshadowed or followed up on," answered Sam, "It all comes out of the blue, and afterwards no-one bats an eye at what happened."

"A real arc should be more involving then that," I explained, "There should be a lead-up to it rather then it just appearing out of nowhere, and it should have a bearing on the overall story."

"For example," suggested Tucker, "In the first series of the new Doctor Who, they set up an arc by featuring it in the background – as graffiti, or a helicopter call sign, or the like. It's _there_, but people only realise how important it is after they reach the climax. And afterwards, it still gets referenced a lot as an important thing in the story."

"Here," Danny went on, "It's just; 'Hey, a ghost!' – 'oh, it's Sandy.' – 'Lunch?'"

"So remember," I added, "To write an arc, make it subtle, and make it important. If you fail this before your audience, then Silence will Fall."

Sam kicked me in the shin under the table.

* * *

_No. 1 – The Dimmsdale Chainsaw Massacre_

"I'm still proud of the End Times trilogy," I sighed, "It was the first really big project I put on FFN, and it doesn't make me cringe looking back on it – yet. There's just one problem."

"Deeeeaaaaaath!" bellowed Abe Simpson, kicking in the door.

There was a short pause.

"How did you get in here?" asked Danny.

"It's cold outside and I'm hungry," moaned Abe.

"Get out!" I snapped.

Abe shuffled out of the room.

"End Times had a _lot_ of dead people in it," continued Danny, "And a lot of the deaths were just for shock value, really."

"Some were necessary," I shrugged, "It was a darkfic, after all. But some…some are just _nasty_."

"…allow us to demonstrate," nodded Tucker.

*cue 1812 overture finale*

_"Come on, it's over, don't be so…"_

_Chad's eyes widened as he rolled his friend over. He was limp, and a large cut had been opened along his back…_

…_Anti-Cupid grinned, and fired a dark beam from his wand. A dark beam of energy struck Elmer, there was a short cry and a hissing noise, and the beam vanished._

_Elmer's left shoe fell, heavily singed, to the ground…_

…_The beam struck Trixie as the net caught Anti-Binky._

_Trixie fell to her knees, and looked at her friend. Her form seemed to ripple._

_"I'm sorry, 'Ronnie," she whispered._

_Her body evaporated into dust before Veronica's very eyes…_

"…and there's plenty more where that came from," finished Sam.

"Killing characters is like cutting an apple from a tree," I nodded, "You get a better quality with a cutter then with an MG-42."

I sat back.

"Well, that's all for today," I noted, "Next time, we get back into the horrors of badfic with a…well…badfic. Which one?"

I chuckled.

"You'll see," I grinned.

"I got a _bad_ feeling about this," groaned Danny.

* * *

With apologies to Yahtzee, for using his joke.


	29. Here Come The Clones: No Comment

...

Review replies;

**OwlheadAthena:** Yeah, that was my brother's reaction by the end. :] Thanks for all the reviews! :D

**TweenisodeOrange:** Thanks for that. :)

**strawberry jelly:** My favourite person to mock is myself. :) Thanks for the review!

**Dimentio713:** We've all got bad OCs under our belt - yours seem better then mine, at any rate. :) Thanks for reading!

**Cartoonatic55: **..._D'oh!_ X( Anyway, thanks for reviewing.

**Third Kind:** Yeah, I remember. Don't worry, most of them are still good to me. :D Thanks very much!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Not yet, but I intend to tackle it. :D Thanks!

* * *

**Review Seventeen – Here Come the Clones – No Comment**

That's right, no witty comment in the title.

Think of that. Not even My Immortal reduced me to speechlessness.

This fic is something that affected my mind in ways more profound then the Time Cube. It affected it more then Full Life Consequences. It effected it more then even the Worst City in the World (yes, even more then Sydney.)

You may think I'm describing the worst badfic in the world.

I'm not.

Here is a disclaimer.

_The fic we are reviewing today…is ridiculously awesome. Your head may explode._

* * *

Once again, Danny, Sam, Tucker and I sat at the review table.

"Okay," I warned, "Guys, you might want to steel yourselves for this. It's an old fic from the Rugrats Online site, an excellent but sadly defunct fansite for…well, Rugrats."

"You said it was a mega-crossover, right?" mused Danny.

"Only n00bs write those," sniffed Sam.

"_Hey!_" I yelled.

Tucker opened the fic.

"Oh my…" he whispered.

_Ozzy used to live in The Great Valley. But he was captured and taken to N.I.M.H. There, he went through experiments. One day, he found not only could he read, but he had physic powers! He destroyed the lab on which he was in and swore revenge. He lived alone for years on a desert island. He waited for just the right moment to strike!_

There was a long silence.

"So," I reiterated, "The villain from one of the Land Before Time sequels was captured by the organisation from _The_ _Secret of Nimh _and has developed psychic powers, which causes his to destroy a lab ala _Pokemon_."

"…okay then," nodded Tucker, uneasily.

_Ozzy organized a stage for a fight._

"He would conquer Earth by destroying Hulk Hogan," continued Danny.

_He knew of Spike, Zazu, and had recently taken a hair or feather from 'em and put them in his cloning machine. "Now," he said, "I can show them that I'm not just a dinosaur! Wait 'till they get a load of these guys! Much more powerful than the original!"_

"Mewtew called," interrupted Sam, "He wants to sue for copywrite infringement."

_In the mean time, Tommy, Chuckie, and all the others were just about to have a nap. Or so they thought._

Danny pressed a button on the tape recorder. A scare chord played.

_Just as they were about to fall asleep, a strange green wind appeared._

"Grandpa Lou had taken his socks off," I added.

"So basically," continued Tucker, "It's a portal and the babies get sucked in."

"But that's not all!" added Danny, "We've also got…"

"Simba, Nala and Zazu, from the Lion King!" I exclaimed.

"…and the cast of the _Land Before Time!_" exclaimed Sam.

"Anyway, they all land on a dock," Tucker went on, "And…"

_"Huh?" Littlefoot yelped. Then, he reconized one of the babies. "Tommy?" Tommy looked at him strangely. Littlefoot slinked closer to the baby and asked him, "Don't you reconized me? It's me, Littlefoot!" Tommy's eyes widened. "Lit-lit-littlefoot?" "Yes, I'm the one who saved Angelica from Zira."_

"…yeah," nodded Tucker, "Everyone remember that?"

"They all realise they're stuck on a dock, but they soon get swept off by a 'hurrican'," I continued, "Probably the terrible evolution of the can-can."

"They wash up near a ruined lab," stated Danny.

_"Yes, we can send in Petrie and Zazu" Zazu and Petrie shook their heads and said, "Oh, no! We are NOT going in THERE!" Simba and Spike growled and bared their teeth._

"If you don't, we'll fricking eat you," growled Sam.

"So the two winged fellows goes into the lab and find the clones in tubes," I explained, "Petrie gets cloned because he's stupid and they flee in terror."

"Tommy wants to go back in, because he's even more stupid," Tucker added, "No-one else will come, so he and Spike go in alone…"

_"Oh well, I guess it's just you and me, Spike." The two were just about to enter when suddenly, "What for us! You're not going to leave us!" It was the others! They have changed their minds._

"Or not," shrugged Tucker.

_The group wondered inside the building. Indeed, it was very strange. And wierd, too. Tommy, Chuckie, the twins, Angelica, and their friends all awed at the site. They went down to the east wing, the wrong way!_

"To be fair, they'd probably be arrested if they tried to break into the west wing," noted Danny.

_They opened it and went inside. Inside, they saw even more tubes. But in this room, there was a dining table. Angelica couldn't control herself and started eating some of the cookies. An alarm went off!_

"All in favour of eating Angelica, say 'aye,'" sighed Sam.

_"Angelica! Well, looks like those Rugrats, lions, bird, dinosaurs, and pterosaur found their way into my hidden lab!" Ozzy boomed._

"Then he paused for breath, having had to say such a long sentence," added Danny.

_He got up and started walking towards the dining room. "It's about time!" Chuckie was afraid. "Angelica, stop!" Angelica glared at him. "No!"_

"…and the Darwin Award goes to…" I began.

"Ozzy throws Angelica around with his psychic powers," continued Sam, "And then shuts them in the room. This 'outrages' Lil, who tries to attack him…and fails."

_Lil ran towards Ozzy, but the evil dino waved his hands and his eyes glowed blue. Lil's condition suddenly changes so drastically, she collapsed to the ground! _

_"LIL!" Everyone yelled as they ran to her. Lil got up and was a littlebeat. This angered everybody._

"She's a _little sweaty!_" Tucker gasped, "This means _WAR!_"

"Anyway, along come the clones (and Mewtwo's lawsuit)," continued Danny, "They beat the crud out of the originals, and then…"

_Behind them, black balls appeared. Strange red lights shown through. Everyone except the Rugrats, Spike, Nala, Petrie, and Zazu were captured in them!_

"..Mewtwo calls Lionel Hutz," deadpanned Danny.

"So basically, if you saw the Pokemon Movie, well, all that stuff happens," shrugs Sam, "Tommy goes in, frees the animals, so on so forth, and then all of a sudden, they run into the wolf from the Rugrats Movie! He's a cyborg. I don't know why."

"They also run into Yoshi and Agumon…for no reason," shrugged Danny.

"So basically, the fight scene happens," I continued, "I don't even know what's going on, so we'll just go over some lines. You'll be getting just as much context as us, believe me."

_Ozzy bellowed out, "ARE YOU READY TO FIGHT?"_

"Let's get ready to…" began Tucker.

_"Then, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"_

"Dangit," sighed Tucker.

_Ozzy, his clones, and everyone else saw a shadow. It was Ozzy's original, Strut!_

"So he's a clone now?" quizzed Sam, "Alrighty then."

_A strange light suddenly appeared. Agumon said that what ever is hit will turn into cyborgs! Luckily, only the dinosaurs (minus Yoshi) were hit. Littlefoot, Cera, Petrie, Spike, and Ducky were all transformed into beast machines._

"…was is los?" I quizzed, tilting my head.

"You gotta be kidding me," groaned Sam.

_"I forgot to mention this," Ozzy said, "You are not on earth. You are on Cybertron."_

My computer screen went blue, and a deep voice resonated from the speakers.

YOU HAVE REACHED FANFICTION ENLIGHTENMENT.

The normal screen reappeared. There was a confused silence, before we kept reading.

_The light vanished and in its place stood the dinosaurs. But they were now super-strong cyborgs. They ignored their new powers and continued to battle their clones. Suddenly, a giant Digimon stomped in._

"From where?" asked Sam.

"Just roll with it," sighed Tucker.

_Agumon was very nervous. Shellmon roared and sprayed water at everybody. Tommy was outraged. He threw a rock at the monster._

There was a brief silence.

"…there's a Batman joke here, but it's too obvious," decided Sam.

"We get a nod to the Pokemon Movie again," Danny continued, "When Tommy gets blasted by energy and dies. But don't worry, he gets better – apparently, he didn't even need Swiss Army Tears."

"So, the story ends with…well, you saw that movie, you know how it ends," I shrugged, "Final verdict?"

"It's…really, really weird," replied Sam.

"It's pretty interesting to see someone parody the Pokemon Movie with Rugrats," nodded Danny, "But it's let down a little by some of the writing quality."

"Still, you've got to be a bit impressed," I added, "I mean, look at it – the villain from a Land Before Time prequel is made into a cyborg by the guys from the _Secret of Nimh_, so he drags the casts of Rugrats, the Land Before Time and the Lion King to Cybertron to fight evil clones with Yoshi, and there are also some Digimon. You've got to admit that's pretty awesome."

"Did someone say…_awesome?_"

Theodore Roosevelt burst into the room.

"…I missed that gag," sighed Danny.

* * *

_Deployment of 1st BAT under SGT. REYNOL to TANZANIA effective immeditately. Believed that _[CLASSIFIED]_ landed somewhere in the Savannah. - orders of BRIG. [OUTCAST] _

* * *

**Final Verdict for 'Here Come The Clones' by Kacie Boskey**

_Danny: 6/10._

_Tucker: 5/10._

_Sam: 4/10._

_E350: 7/10._

_Total: 22/40_


	30. legolas by laura: Fear and Posion

...aaaaaaand I'm back after yet another long absence. :|

Review replies;

**Spymaster E:** Thanks for all the reviews! Looking back, I'd say most of your scores are pretty spot on. :)

**agentscia:** The worst part is, I read that and I think _A CHALLENGE!** D: **_Thanks for reading!

**OwlheadAthena:** I cannot wriggle my ears. :[ Thanks for reviewing!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yeah, but this was one of the first fanfics I ever read. I just...couldn't be mean to it, I guess. :\ Thanks for the review!

**Sgt. Reynol:** To be fair, it's hardly worse then a lot of the parodies out now. :/ Thanks very much!

**Wherever Girl:** Yeah, it could've worked, I guess. Thanks!

**Cartoonatic55:** It's weird. That describes it perfectly. :P Thank you!

**The Ghost Reviewer: **I shall take a look at it. Hopefully, I will not have to remove my eyes with a spoon. Danke Shon!

**RandomNumbers523156: **I wasn't to picky when I found this - then again, I was seven. :P Merci boku!

* * *

**Review Eighteen – legolas by laura – Fear and Posion**

Oh badfic, how we love-hate you. (Why do I never review anything good in this thing, anyway?)

I was never a fan of the Lord of the Rings series. I'm familiar with the basic idea, but it's never really interested me. I _do_ know a bit about Tolkien, though. He served on the Western Front in 1916, and his experiences there inspired Mordor. He also had a great respect for German culture and loathed Hitler.

But, yeah, that's as far as my knowledge goes.

That's alright, though – this author has less of a clue about the series then I do!

I feel that it is high time to do this story justice, and I thought I'd get some help. So join me, faithful readers, as I force people to unwillingly review an atrocity.

But that's okay, I can do that. I have a badge.

(I bought it at the dollar shop but it's still a badge, drat it!)

* * *

_Baby you know I'm guilty,  
Cops judge and jury, they all agree,  
If love's the crime, I'm doing time,  
And it don't look like I'll ever get free,  
Baby, you know I'm guilty…_

* * *

"Yes, now we have intro music," I stated, matter-of-factly.

I was standing in a small office, consisting only of a desk and a one-way mirror. Jazz and Timmy were standing behind me, the former carrying a notebook. We were all wearing suits and fedoras, and for some reason, everything was black-and-white.

"Alright, boys," called Timmy, "Bring 'em in."

The office door opened, and uniformed policemen dragged Lunatic, TLSoulDude and Sergeant Reynol into the office (the brothers were also wearing suits and fedoras). They let them go and left as quickly as they came.

"What the heck is going on…" Lunatic began.

"You may be wondering why you've been pinched," I began, pacing the room, "Well, here's the thing – I have beef with certain opinions of yours."

"This isn't about the whole Spandy thing, is it?" groaned Ray.

"Yes, it is," I snapped, "You have different opinions to me, and I'm very petty!"

"…but I said I didn't hate Spandy!" reminded TL.

"Yes, well…I'm not going to unarrest you _now_, that'd take too much effort," I responded, "Now sit down, and join us in our reading."

"Reading?" quizzed Lunatic, sitting down, "But what're we…"

He gazed at the story on the desk for two seconds before breaking into a screaming fit.

"Yes," I nodded, sadistically, "It's a bad one. Let us begin."

_Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived._

"That's all the one sentence," sighed Jazz, "_Nice_. Great start."

"_This_…is what we're gonna be reading?" groaned TL, "You will pay for this, E3."

"Whatever you say, booger," I replied.

The others in the room blinked.

"What did he say?" quizzed Ray.

"Forget it, he's on a roll," deadpanned Timmy.

_Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die"_

"What's woodsand?" asked Lunatic.

"It's what this building is made of," I replied.

There was a faint crashing noise.

_Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing._

TL blinked.

"May I?" he asked.

"Go ahead," replied Jazz.

"Thanks," nodded TL.

He cleared his throat.

"She's. A. Darn. _BABY!_"

_10 Years Later_

"Feels like it already," agreed Timmy.

_Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too"._

"What, are they boats now?" I quizzed.

"Who knows?" shrugged Lunatic.

"Now, as you know, we like to skip ahead in some parts so that this isn't a direct sporking," I continued.

"Yeah, we _know_," groaned Ray.

"That's swell," I nodded, patronisingly, "Anyway, Legolas takes Laura horse riding. Meanwhile, Gandalf and Arag…sorry, _Strider_ are riding to Legolas' place. Strider notes that he hadn't known that Legolas had a sister. Gandalf responds by saying that he didn't know Aswell."

"Who's Aswell and why do we care about him?" demanded Timmy.

"Meanwhile, in…" Ray squinted to read the word, "_Mondor_, the 'Dark Lord' is planning to kidnap 'the princess but not Legolas'. Priorities, everyone!"

_Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can"._

"…the dark lord is Obama?" I quizzed.

"Does that make Joe Biden the 'boss of the Orcs?'" mused TL.

"Guys," groaned Jazz, "Read the sign."

On the wall was a small sign. It read; 'No Contemporary Political Jokes.'

"Fun police," I sniffed.

_Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider._

"Hi Gandalf and Strider," everyone said in monotone.

"Gandalf, you fink!" I yelled, "This is a private horse-riding lesson!"

_Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby"._

"_SENTENCES!_" bellowed Lunatic, _"__THEY__ ARE __YOUR __FRIENDS!_"

"Moving on," I moved on, "There is a very icky moment between Legolas and Laura, and then everyone hits the sack. Legolas tells the 'gards' to look after Laura and they proceed to stand idly by while the Orcs kidnap her. That's what you get for hiring knucklehead flatfoots."

"The Orcs take Laura back to Mondor," continued Ray, "The Dark Lord orders the Orcs to 'bet' her, rape her and 'whipe her."

"This would be horrifying were it not for the wording," added Jazz.

_Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death_

"I'm sorry, I just can't take that seriously," groaned Jazz.

"The Dark Lord comes in with a tube of 'posion' and injects her with it," continued Timmy, "She gets some time to not care about all these bad things before we cut to the 'frount gates.'"

_At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"_

"Well what else is he gonna say?" demanded TL.

_and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up._

"I don't know why," I mused, "But 'clim' sounds wrong."

"Gandalf and Strider go to 'the castle'," continued Ray, "And…Gandalf sends Strider off to help Legolas. That was useful."

"Meanwhile," added Lunatic, "Legolas gets to Laura's cell."

_and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me"._

There was a long silence.

This was followed by a longer silence.

This was followed by an even longer silence.

"…what," TL blurted at last.

"Anyway, Legolas breaks Laura out," continued Jazz, still in mild shock, "The Orcs show up and we finally find out why Laura's so important."

_then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys"._

"'She can distoy us all the bad guys,'" repeated Ray, shaking his head, "_That__'__s_ why you kidnapped her. Are you stupid?"

_Then the fright began_

"This story is now worth it," I grinned.

"At this point Strider shows up and they kill all the Orcs," explained Lunatic, "_Epic._ Meanwhile, Gandalf is having 'a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.' Frodo and the Hobbits…"

"A good name for a band, by the way," I interjected.

"…randomly come out of nowhere to help," continued Lunatic, "Apparently they destroyed the One Ring off-screen."

_and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord._

"…and there was much rejoicing," added Ray.

"Yaaaaaaaaay."

"Okay, let's get this done," I decided, "The whole gang goes to Rivendell (in a few hours) and Laura gets healed. Legolas asks Laura to be his main squeeze (as horrific as that sounds) and then…"

_Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura_

"The End," groaned TL, "That's it. That's all it is."

"And nothing of value was lost," I added, "Alright, you yucks, you're free to go, I think you've suffered enough."

"…and we'll get you in the future," replied Lunatic, standing up.

"I'm sure you will," I nodded, "But I've realised that I shouldn't hold grudges against people for things so petty as pairings in children's cartoons. Guys, I'm sorry."

"Like we said, we'll get you later," grinned TL.

"As is the order of the business," I nodded, "Ain't it so, Ray?"

There was a long silence.

"Ray?"

Ray shot me a knowing grin, and faded into static.

"H-he was a hologram!" I realised, "The creep was never here at all!"

I clenched my fists and screamed at the roof.

_"REYNOOOOOOOOOOL!_"

* * *

Tanzania, Africa.

A small squad of soldiers, both male and female, were gathered in a cave, standing at attention before a small ark-like object. They wore black and silver armour, the armour made of a sort of light-weight metallic material. The armour covered the whole body, bar the head, but it was not bulky, looking almost like a slightly thick jumpsuit.

This armour was covered in an array of pouches and webbing, with a Kevlar-like vest underneath. A brimmed helmet, that seemed to be made of the same substance as the armour, covered the head. They all held assault rifles in their hands – G36Cs, if one wanted the specifics.

Their commanding officer strode up to the ark. He was not dressed in the same uniform of the soldiers, but a patch on his arm denoted that he ranked over them as a sergeant.

Ray lifted the lid from the arc. He gazed at the item inside, the green glow illuminating his face. He spoke into his radio.

"…Reynol to Outcast," he whispered, "We have it."

"_Bring it in,_" came the reply, "_The operation must begin as quickly as possible._"

"Yes sir," nodded Ray, hanging up his radio.

He glanced once more at the arc.

"…and now's the hard part," he said, grimly.

* * *

The review was supposed to be more noir then it actually was. :|_  
_

_'Guilty'_ by Claudia Brucken


	31. Attack of the Giant Suki: Wait, What!

We're nearly at a milestone! Twentieth review next time!

Review replies;

**Spymaster E:** Sergeant Reynol is another reviewer and a friend of mine. :) Thanks for reading!

**OwlheadAthena:** I mock everything. :P Thanks for reviewing!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Yep, that's how it ends. Yep, it is a good thing. Thanks for the review!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** I'll have a think about it. Thanks very much!

**Third Kind:** Speaking of ONLG...:D Thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** Isn't it a bit difficult to do all that at once? Thank you!

**Cartoonatic55:** You and me both. :P You'll find out soon enough... Danke!

**TweenisodeOrange:** You should see the YouTube animation... Thank ye!

**Sgt. Reynol:** It's bigger then you know, my friend...;) Thanks a bunch!

**TLSoulDude:** _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..._meh, alright. Thanks exceedingly!

* * *

**Review Nineteen – Attack of the Giant Suki – Wait, _What?_**

So I went on the Internet, and I found _this._

Yeah, it turns out Ireland's been electing a party called Fianna Fail into office nearly every election since 1932.

And then, I found this.

I never did finish watching Avatar, though I certainly mean to eventually. However, I do like the show, and decided to tackle a fic about it.

So I decided on this one.

Attack of the Giant Suki. Genre: Supernatural/Drama. Characters: Suki & Cabbage Merchant.

This is gonna suck.

* * *

_'Cause she's so high_  
_High above me, she's so lovely_  
_She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite_  
_She's so high, high above me_

* * *

Danny, Sam, Tucker and I were sitting in the review room.

We were silent for quite a while.

"We really have no way to introduce this one," sighed Danny.

_A seemingly normal day in Ba Sing Se..._

"…a shot rang out," finished Sam.

_"Sokka! Have you seen my fans?" called Suki from afar._

"No," I replied, "But judging from my DevArt searches, you have plenty of 'em!"

"That was just lame," groaned Tucker.

_She's been looking for them for quite sometime, but with no success… and Sokka wasn't answering._

_"SOKKA!" she called again, her voice growing louder._

"Y'know, this doesn't sound all that bad…" I mused.

_"hehehehehehehehehe… watch this!" Sokka said hilariously. It was Aang, Toph, & Zuko who were alongside him. Sokka giggled as he made the fans "talk."_

_Sokka provided the voice, "hello, I'm SuperFan! Have you seen my brother?"_

_Aang joined in with the other fan, "why no I haven't. But I'm still cool to talk to!"_

_"Okay then, what's your name?"_

_"I'm MasterFan, king of the fans."_

_"I see, tell me MasterFan, are you skilled in the art of Ima?"_

_"What's that?"_

_"Ima knock you silly!" Sokka proceeded to have a "fan war" with Aang._

"Meanwhile, Toph and Zuko looked at them like they had gone irrevocably insane," added Danny.

"So," I explained, "Suki walks in on them and gets really angry at Sokka…"

"…and Aang," interrupted Tucker.

"…which leads Sokka to buy her snacks to make her forgive him," I finished, "Because obviously, the way to make up for acting stupidly with priceless family objects is to get something from Donut King."

_So Sokka went out to the marketplace, looking around for the sweetest, most delicious looking snacks for his other-half. He was stopped by one of the salesmen._

_"Why hello good sir! Looking for anything?"_

_"Yeah, I'm trying to find the best-looking cookies in Ba Sing Se!"_

_"Oh, so you're looking for cookies eh? Well you've come to the right guy!" The market man pulled a small basket of cookies with blue-cream smothered on top. "These have got to be the finest sweet-treats in the entire Earth Kingdom!"_

"…but they're cursed," Sam finished, dryly.

"That's bad," Tucker imitated Sokka.

"But they come with free frogurt!" added Sam.

"That's good!"

"The frogurt contains artificial colours and flavours," added Sam.

Tucker blinked.

"That's bad."

"Anyway," I continued, "Suki finds the cookies and forgives Sokka…"

"…but not Aang," added Tucker.

"…and then she eats some and goes to sleep in the backyard," I finished, "As you do."

"Next morning," Danny continued "Well, look at the title."

_Toph woke up first thing at 6:00. She had a great night's sleep and didn't feel like sleeping in today. As soon as her foot touched the floor, she sensed something strange. Toph ran all the way to Aang's room and started nudging him awake._

_"uhh… what is it?" Aang said, still very tired_

_"You're not going to believe this! Come outside!" Toph quickly stated._

_Taking Aang's hand, Toph ran all the way to the backyard and pushed him forward. "Take a look at that." She simply said._

_Aang rubbed his eyes and looked in shock. It looked like a giant pile of auburn hair, as if Appa dyed his fur. Yet Appa was in the barn resting, so what could it be?_

_"Huh? What on Earth?" Aang decided to investigate. He ran all the way around the pile until he was met with a giant sleeping face. Aang didn't want to believe it, but he knew who it was._

"It was Amy Pond," I finished.

"…and the internet rejoiced," added Danny.

Sam slapped him on the back of the head.

_"Toph!"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I think Suki grew a little last night."_

"Aang," nodded Sam, "The next Sherlock Holmes."

"Anyway, Suki wakes up, works out what happens and is naturally less then happy about it," I exposited (this seemed to have become my job).

_All her friends were freaking out, trying to calm her down. Several people walked out of their homes to find a very tall girl sitting down and yelling. No surprise what their reactions would be._

"Ah, man! This is going on YouTube!" exclaimed Tucker, holding up his PDA.

"So, along comes the Earth King," I said, "Rather then actually do my job and read the scene, I called Xem and we did a dramaticisation of it…

* * *

We were in the backyard. Xem was dressed in the garb of the Earth King. Danny and Tucker, both in drag, were opposite him, Danny standing on Tucker's shoulders.

"And…action," I announced from behind the camera.

"Hey, look, you're large," said Xem.

"Yes. It is terrible," said Danny, obviously reading from an idiot board.

"Welp, now I'll just have to force you to stay in your backyard," shrugged Xem.

"Cry," read Danny.

There was a beeping noise. A tanker labelled 'Suki's Tears' backed into the backyard. Xem turned to look at it.

"Uh, E3?" he asked, "You never said…"

The tanker unloaded its contents onto him.

* * *

"So, long story short," I continued, "The Earth King agrees to talk about it with the Counsel of Five and let Suki hang about the Inner Walls as long as her friends are with her. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"

"So they go into town," added Danny, "Aang's worried about being stepped on, but Toph says

_"Don't worry; I'm feeling her vibrations for you._

"Innuendo," I sighed.

"Now, we run into a problem," said Tucker.

_Zuko pulled out a map, "as I was saying, the number of refugees in the lower ring of Ba Sing Se has grown from 469 to 1246. Reports have surfaced that a riot is in the works because the city thinks it's been abandoned."_

_Katara: What? That's crazy._

_Zuko: Crazy but true. Seems the only way to bring peace to the area is to bring supplies and tidy things up._

"…it randomly goes into script format," sighed Danny, "Lucky us."

"So, they decide to use Suki's size to literally pass supplies into the lower ring, which is having problems and riots and things," I said, "Again, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"

"Actually, nothing," shrugged Tucker, "They only reason we're not reading it is because – well, it actually _works_. But then…"

_The people's attitude towards Suki was mixed. Some eventually decided to trust & befriend Suki, while others were too terrified to leave their homes. One particular citizen was about to get a run-in with his destiny…_

_"What a beautiful day!" sang the Cabbage Merchant as he strolled through Ba Sing Se with his trademark cart of cabbages._

I pulled out the tape recorded and pressed the button. The Imperial March was played.

_As he turned a corner humming, he caught glimpse of something._

_The Merchant saw Suki chipping off rusty roof-tiles with her fingernails._

_He hid behind his cart, "Oh Agni… a giant woman is destroying the city!" The man looked to find the Avatar assisting her. "AND THE AVATAR'S BEHIND IT!"_

_Anger filled up inside him, only to be thrown away by deep thought._

_"This gives me a brilliant idea!" Sneered the Cabbage Merchant as he rode of plotting of evil things…_

"…yes," sighed Danny, "The villain is the _Cabbage Merchant_."

"And to be honest?" I added, "He's the most interesting character in this fic. We get a thought-provoking look into the psyche of a man desperate to avenge his beloved cabbages."

"No you don't," snapped Sam, "You just think it's funny that the Cabbage Guy is so evil."

"Yes, yes I do."

"We get two chapters on the stuff Giant Suki does over the next day," said Danny, "Like sleeping outside, not being able to sleep, helping Toph learn to swim and actually managing to eat. Meanwhile, the Cabbage Merchant hires an assassin."

There was a pause.

"I never thought I'd have to say that."

"Then Suki has super-sized mood swings, another thing we never thought we'd have to say," added Tucker, "Which is as fun to read as it sounds. Aang, Zuko and Sokka _finally_ get around to working out what happened, and work out that it was probably the cookies."

"It's _always_ the cookies," I snapped, mysteriously.

I paused.

"Except when it's beans," I mused, "Speaking of beans, anyone want to try the magic beans I have in the cupboard? They're beany!"

"…no," replied Danny.

_"Suki, please calm down." Katara pleaded as Suki began breathing heavily, a symptom of her crying._

_"Why did I do that? They were so nice to me, and this is how I treat them?" Suki questioned, rubbing her eyes._

_"It's not your fault. Maybe this is one of those side-effects of your transformation." Mai suggested, patting Suki's leg_

_Suki simply sighed, looking at her friends with a small smile appearing. "You guys have been so good to me, I wish I could so something for you."_

_"You don't have to do anything." Toph said, "But the Earth King does. When is going to find that cure?"_

_"That's right, he hasn't checked back has he?" Suki asked, her friends replying with nods._

_Suki wiped her tears away, standing up. "Guys, let's go to the Palace. It's time we set things right." The giant girl began to walk towards the center of Ba Sing Se, with her friends climbing on Appa._

_As soon as everyone left, Fuun _(the Cabbage Bloke)_ finished up his letter. He had summed up everything he learned about Suki and was about to put his signature._

_"Wait a minute. What did she mean by 'It's time we set things right'?" fear soon plastered all over his face. "She's going to kill the Earth King!"_

_The Cabbage Merchant finished up his letter, and sent Hawky off._

_"No more hiding!" Fuun declared, "It's time my destiny arrived!" He took of with his cart chasing after Suki._

I pressed the tape recorder again. The Rocky theme started playing.

"Meanwhile, Aang, Sokka and Zuko find the salesman," said Sam.

_"Are you aware that these cookies turned my girlfriend 100 feet tall?" Sokka asked_

_"What? That's crazy! You're talking about Suki right?"_

_Aang: how do you know her?_

_Salesman: well, we met two days ago actually, she helped fix my shop._

_Sokka: that's right! Okay, forget that… what do you know about these treats?_

"Stop doing that!" snapped Tucker.

"Meanwhile, the assassin goes off to kill Suki and the girls arrive at the Earth King's palace," said Danny, "Iroh is there, and he says that there doesn't seem to be a cure."

Iroh: I doubt it; perhaps the condition will ware off eventually. This doesn't seem curable.

Toph: Oh well

"Meh, stuff happens," shrugged Tucker.

"The Merchant charges in, yells out that Suki is dangerous, and gets arrested for his trouble," I continued, "Meanwhile, the assassin and his men capture Suki in ropes. Then literally the entire cast of this fic arrive, there's an argument, and the assassin basically says 'screw this, I'm outta here.' Then Aang and the Merchant fight over his sword, and this happens…"

_The two wrestled until Fuun tried to throw Aang off. He kicked him in the leg, throwing Aang off balance. The Avatar stumbled back, still holding on, as he accidentally motioned the sword along Suki's cheek._

_Suki yelled in pain, only to make her anger worse. She believed that Aang had joined the bad-side. "You betrayed me!"_

_Then she snapped._

_With all of her might, Suki broke away all of the ropes and stood up. She swiftly kicked down a building._

_Sokka watched in fear, knowing that his girlfriend was pushed off the brink._

_"If you think I'm some monster, some beast! Then why don't I do you all a favor and prove it!" Suki placed a big foot-step in the middle of the crowd, knocking everyone off balance._

_Suki's rain of terror became reality._

"Good job, Avatar," deadpanned Danny.

"Suki starts ripping the castle apart," I exposited again, "Meanwhile, Aang and the Merchant have another argument. Then Suki starts chasing the Merchant and eats his cabbages…"

_"MY CABBAGES!"_

"…and gets picked up and nearly clawed," I added, "Aang finds her, there's a chase scene, then Aang has an idea…and surrenders."

"She takes them out of Ba Sing Se and heads to Serpent's Pass," Danny added, "She threatens them, and then throws Aang at the Order of the White Lotus, who had just arrived."

"There's another argument," said Tucker, "Sokka tries to use the 'power of love', which doesn't work, and then Iroh shocks her with lightning, which does. There's a short bit where they think she's dead and the Merchant turns good, and then she turns out to be alive."

"Then she magically shrinks, which is nice," finished Sam.

"So, that's the story," I finished, "And damn there was a lot of exposition in this review."

"You know," shrugged Danny, "This is actually pretty good. It has its rough edges, but it works as a parody of B-Movies set in Avatar."

"The only major problem is the script bits," added Tucker, "They kinda break the flow."

"I didn't like it," sighed Sam.

"You don't like anything we review," reminded Tucker.

"Well," I grinned, "That's another review down. The next one will be our twentieth review! Hopefully, nothing eventful will happen!"

Just then, Sandy walked into the room.

"Howdy guys," she greeted, "Hope ya don't mind, but I ate some o' your beans."

"You mean the Magic Beans?" I quizzed.

"…yes."

"…oh shi-"

* * *

The Kaiser stood on the bridge of his space-borne super-battleship, the _Tirpitz_, and looked down on the Earth.

"All iz zet," he sneered, "Zoon, ze Midnight Society vill vain fire down on zat pathetic CAFÉ unt vipe the scum from ze Earth. Unt zen, zere will be no-vun to challenge ze Black Knight…"

"Uh, Jahwohl, mein Herr, but we already know this," reminded the helmsman.

"SHUT UP."

* * *

**Final Rating of 'Attack of the Giant Suki' by Hank-o-holic**

_Danny: 7/10_

_Tucker: 7/10_

_Sam: 5/10_

_E350: 7/10_

_Total: 26/40 (6.5/10) _


	32. CHRISTMAS: Top Ten Overused Cliches

Warning - the following chapter may include content that is, to say the least, wrong. You have been warned.

Review replies;

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yeah, I can't get over it either. XD Thanks for reading!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** Oh, it's going to be a bad one, let me tell you... :| Thanks for reviewing!

**Sgt. Reynol:** Well, everyone loves the Simpsons, don't they? :) Thanks for the review!

**Dimentio713:** Quite. Thanks very much!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Glad I made you laugh - that's the main thing. :) Thanks!

* * *

**CHRISTMAS: Top Ten Overused Clichés**

…um…hello.

I would like to start this by stating that there is Absolutely Nothing Wrong right now, and you should not be suspicious of the way I am Placing Emphasis on Certain Phrases. This is…um…an experiment, yes. And my voice being disguised is also…YOU SHOULD NOT BE CONCERNED I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Anyway, I know you're all wondering where Review Twenty is. Or not, I'm probably giving myself too much credit here. Rest assured, it will come and the plot will continue, it's just that I'm taking the month off due to Christmas. Well, it's a better excuse then leaves on the line.

Instead, we'll be spending the month looking at a series of top tens. This one isn't a Christmas list, but with a lot of people working on Christmas fics at this time, I felt I'd give out my two cents on writing and stuff.

And so, without further ado, I present the first top ten!

…dammit, how do they manage with these…

YOU HEARD NOTHING WRONG.

* * *

_This song's just six words long,  
This song's just six words long,  
This song's just six words long,  
This song's just six words long…_

Danny, Sam and Tucker sat at the review table. I did not.

"Well," shrugged Danny, "Your guess is as good as ours."

"He locked himself in the basement with a can of noodles and some sort of voice distorter," explained Sam, "Said he'd been doing a 'black magic experiment' and it had gone horribly wrong."

"He hasn't been this flustered since that thing with the magic beans," nodded Tucker.

Danny glared at him.

"The thing that _hasn't happened yet,_ Tucker," he snapped.

"Oh yeah, spoilers, sorry."

"So, anyway, we're present this one alone," finished Sam, "We got a list of clichés and a computer – let's get this done."

**No. 10 – Recycled Gags**

_Timmy walked into a shop, where Spongebob was the vendor._

_"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, how may I help you?" greeted Spongebob._

_"I'm going to kill again," said Timmy._

_"Goodnight everybody!" yelled Sheen, who was there for no reason._

"This one's obvious," sighed Danny, "I mean, really, stuff like – say; the Ugly Barnacle or No-one Expects the Spanish Inquisition, they were funny the first time. But when everyone started repeating them over and over and over again, it started getting less funny."

"If you're gonna make a gag," added Tucker, "Try to think of your own. It might be harder work, the result is better and more satisfying."

"Well, that was easy," deadpanned Sam.

"It's only gonna get harder," replied Danny.

**No. 9 – Ash Bloody Ketchum**

_Jimmy, Carl and Sheen were cornered by a living carnivorous spaghetti._

_"Who can save us from this living carnivorous spaghetti?" exclaimed Carl._

_Then, Ash came in and single-handedly kicked its arse. Then he made out with the female lead, and then he signed his autograph for Chuck Norris, Theodore Roosevelt, Batman and the White Ranger._

"This one's gotten a bit better, but it's still there," explained Danny.

"Seriously, what does this kid have that no-one else does?" demanded Sam, "He's a block-headed kid who relies on his captured animals to do his dirty work! Why is he always the protagonist? Why don't we ever have _Tuckladdin_ or Milhouse Pan or something?"

"Because those are terrible ideas?" suggested Danny.

"Hey, I could be Aladdin!" exclaimed Tucker.

"No, you couldn't," shot Sam.

"Yeah, you're right."

**No. 8 – Cast Lists**

_Simba: Chief Wiggum (The Simpsons)._

_Nala: Libby Foliax (Jimmy Neutron)._

_Timon and Pumbaa: Batman and Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann (Full Metal Jacket)_

_Scar: GIR (Invader Zim)_

"You ever consider that we might like to be surprised by the casting sometimes?" asked Sam, "Having the whole cast in the first chapter basically tells you every possible twist from the get go."

"She's got a point," admitted Danny, "Where's the fun in a fanmake if you can't look for characters you like because there's a list on page one?"

"You could look for typos," suggested Tucker.

Danny slapped the back of his head.

There was a brief pause. Then Sam slapped the back of his head as well.

**No. 7 – Vore**

_Homer was famished. He had already eaten three chickens, two whole pigs and Moe, but he was still hungry._

_"Dad," said Lisa, walking into the kitchen, "Mom wants to know who emptied the fridge."_

_Homer didn't reply. He just licked his lips._

"_What is wrong with you?_" thundered Tucker.

Danny and Sam jumped.

"Vore is cannibalism!" Tucker continued, loudly, "It's the practice of eating people! Why would write about that in a light-hearted tone! I'm not talking about comedy, guys, I'm serious, we're talking about happy stories where people _willingly eat each other!_"

His face was now red.

"_And people get off to this!_" he finished, his voice reaching a singularity of disgust and rage, "_And people post it all over the internet, and I find it, and…_"

"…next cliché, please," gulped Danny.

**No. 6 – Songs**

_Spongebob and Patrick could not provide a demonstration of this cliché, as they were too busy singing Hakuna Matata._

"Why keep the same songs in your parody?" asked Danny, "Spice it up? Write your own song, or add more story where the song was."

"Yeah," agreed Sam, "Last thing I wanna ready about is Ash singing about how he'll go sailing no more or whatever. Be original! Practice your writing! If you wanna be an author, you gonna have to do that, so…why not do it now?"

Next to them, Tucker had finally stopped ranting.

**No. 5 – Romantic Misunderstanding**

_"I can't believe it!" bellowed Dani, "How could you put your pink hat in with the white clothes?"_

_"How come you put your white stuff with my hat?" demanded Timmy._

_"Whatever, Turner, I'm leaving!" snapped Dani, walking out the door._

_"Fine!"_

_Timmy heard the door slam, and curled up on the floor._

_"One…is the loneliest number that you ever do…" he sung, tearfully._

"Oh, come on," groaned Danny, "We know how this is gonna end – they fight, they mope, they make up, happy ending. Every time, no exceptions."

"Most of the reasons we'd make have been covered by Doug Walker," continued Sam, "But I'd add that the moping's the worst part. I mean, I'm a Goth and all, but you see these 'broken-hearted lovers' crying and weeping all over the floor and you just wanna punch them in the face and tell them to grow up!"

"If only we could," mused Tucker.

_Will Turner was moping on the Black __Pearl__. Then a fist emerged from the side of the screen and punched him._

**No. 4 – Clichés of the DevArt World**

_We are not even going to show this._

"…yeah," groaned Danny, "There's some really, really weird stuff on DevArt, so we're just gonna lament and move on."

"What kind of _creepy weirdo_ likes this stuff?" demanded Tucker.

A creepy looking man materialised before them. He smiled frighteningly at them before vanishing.

There was a long silence.

"I'm scared," whispered Tucker.

**No. 3 – Drag Out the Dickens**

_Mr. Krabs looked in horror at the sight the Ghost of Christmas Future had brought before him._

_"I'll never be greedy again!" he exclaimed, "Just don't make me read that book again!"_

"This is the done Christmas parody," explained Tucker, "We're not saying you can't do it – it's just that every parody is the same thing – George C. Scott…"

_"Rommel, you magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!'_

"…or the Muppets."

_"Hi-ho everyone!_"

"But the reason everyone remembers the Scott or the Muppets version, or even Jim Carrey's one, is because they were different," explained Danny, "They brought something new to the table."

"Call it a challenge," nodded Tucker, "Maybe have the ghosts visit over a few days, or make the main character more of a guy who lost his way then a complete Scrooge."

"Brainstorm it – you could surprise yourself," suggested Danny.

"…you're both too nice," snapped Sam.

**No. 2 – Chickification**

_Ash had just finished untying Isis, the Egyptian goddess, from the railway line, just as the train came through half-an-hour late._

_"Oh Ash!" exclaimed __Isis__, pathetically, "My hero!"_

_"Just doing my job!" said Ash in a bizarrely deep voice, and he flashed a winning smile._

A string of muffled curses echoed from the basement.

"E3 _really _hates this one," deadpanned Danny.

"You get this a lot in fanfic," explained Sam, "The hero's love interest gets captured or otherwise threatened by the villain, and they immediately turn into sobbing wrecks. This is fine if it's some sort of Disney Princess or Paulina or something, but a lot of the time, they do it to people like _me._"

"Here we go," sighed Tucker.

"Writers, I can handle myself!" snapped Sam, "I'm not gonna fall apart if Skulker nets me or something! This whole 'strong man protects weak woman' plotline is chauvinistic and it should have died in the sixties…"

"It can work," interjected Danny, "Just…depends who it is."

"You ever see it done the other way round?" demanded Sam.

"…no," replied Danny.

"I rest my case," finished Sam.

**No 1 – Parodies. For. ****Sale****. Period.**

_Oh hai guiz! I'm too lazy to write myself, so here's some parodies for sale. LOL._

"There's no excuse for this," said Sam.

"There's a big difference between giving someone a challenge on a forum and using up the site's bandwidth on these things," added Danny, "If you're not interested in writing it, why should we be?"

"So yeah," finished Tucker, "Write your own fics, it's more rewarding. Don't jump on the sale bandwagon just because everyone else is doing it."

"Well, that's us done for the day," said Danny, "What now?"

"Work out why E3 made us do his work for him?" asked Sam.

"But he locked himself in the basement!" reminded Danny.

There was a pause.

"Dude," said Tucker, "You have ghost powers."

"Oh yeah," nodded Danny.

He grabbed his friends and floating intangibly through the floor.

"Alright, what's the prob-hey, you're not E3," Danny began.

Sandy looked up at them.

"Sandy?" quizzed Tucker, "How'd you get in here?"

Sandy looked increasingly awkward.

"Uh…you okay?" asked Danny.

She gulped.

Sam buried her head in her hands.

"Guys," she sighed, "I don't think that's Sandy."

"Yeah," I replied, "We have a problem."

* * *

That awkward moment when you realise you've stolen someone's body.


	33. CHRISTMAS: This Time It's Jinglebell

Sorry for the crapiness of this one - I've been very busy this month, and didn't have much time to write.

Review replies;

**Nin:** True, you make a good point. Thanks for reading!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Hmm, sounds interesting. :) Thanks for reviewing!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Well, if you've got on fanfic reqs, you've done better then me. :P *runs away from dogs* Thanks for the review!

**Third Kind:** Too true. Why bother reading if it's all explained in a list? And why can't we think of our own parodies? Anyway, thanks very much!

**Cartoonatic55:** Because we are nature's greatest mistake. Or something. :P Thanks!

* * *

**CHRISTMAS: This Time It's Jinglebell**

I would like to extend my utmost apologies for the pun in the title.

I'm just back from Honest Bob's Body Removal Service, and I have to say it was a complete success – well, I do sort of have a nut craving, but apart from that, complete success!

Now, it's the time of Christmas/Hanukkah/Ramadan/Kwanza/Winter Solstice/Malkh-Festival/Junkanoo/Donzhi Festival/Chinese Constitution Day/Proclamation Day/Festivus/Isaac Newton's Birthday, and I thought we'd celebrate by reading a short badfic and announcing the Halloween winners late.

That was a long sentence.

So, without further ado, I invite you to sit back, relax, and engage in a Yuletide mocking. Enjoy!

* * *

Danny, Sandy, Timmy and I sat at the review table. We were all wearing Christmas hats, and Sandy kept passing me dark glares. I think she was still a bit annoyed at me.

"Right, lads and lasses," I said, "I decided we'd start off by visiting an old friend of the internet…"

"Charlie Sheen?" guessed Danny.

"Chuck Norris?" suggested Sandy.

"Weird Al?" asked Timmy.

"No," I replied, "Those people are _fun_ to talk about. We, on the other hand, are gonna discuss Justin Beiber!"

Everyone groaned.

"Yes, Virginia," I nodded, ignoring the groans, "This is a DP songfic entitled 'Mistletoe', and I'm sure it's going to be a barrel of laughs…"

Timmy clicked opened the fic.

_The first snow fell to the ground at the Christmas party in the park._

"The weather had deliberately waited for the party, you see," said Danny.

_Out of the guests, Danny Fenton had been chosen to sing. SING! AHHHH! He was freaking out._

"Why?" asked Timmy, "Couldn't he just say no?"

"No," replied Danny, "That would be _logical._"

_He got up to the microphone and introduced himself and then everybody expected a tone deaf Fenton. Not at all what they got._

"Instead they got Beiber, which is even worse," I interjected.

_It's the most beautiful time of the year  
Lights fill the streets…_

A bloodcurdling scream filled the air. We looked at the roof, to find Dimentio hanging out of my vent.

"What're you doing up there?" I asked.

Dimentio shrugged, and slunk back into my vent.

_The crowd was in awe, especially Sam._

"They couldn't believe how bad it was," said Sandy.

_It would be a very merry Christmas. Sam was going to kiss him. She knew that he was. Soon everyone in __Amity__Park__ knew who was singing the beautiful song._

"RUN!" screamed Danny, "It's Justin Beiber!"

Timmy pressed a button under the table, and an air-raid siren began to wail.

_Everyone was crying at this point._

"Not a very good advertisement, that," I noted.

_Danny was closing to an end as people put Sam up there with him, who was crying._

"Why is everyone so touched by this song?" demanded Danny, "It's not even a _sad_ song! It's just a Christmas song!"

"And that's about where it ends," finished Sandy, "What was the point in that? Most of the darn song was lyrics, anyway!"

"There isn't a point, really," replied Danny, "It's not even so bad it's good, it's just really boring."

"Besides, if you're gonna write a Christmas songfic," I grinned, "Do Weird Al's 'Christmas at Ground Zero.' Best Christmas song ever."

"Are you advertising again?" demanded Timmy.

I took a long sip of my Coca-Cola.

"No."

Danny shut down the computer and turned on his chair.

"Alright!" he grinned, "Badfic is done, let's announce the winners!"

"Well, in the end, it came down to GP and Tweenisode," I said, "Both produced some excellent entries, but we have to choose just one."

"Without further ado," announced Timmy, "The winner is…the fanfiction writer…who goes by the name…written in the English language…designation…"

"TweenisodeOrange!" interrupted Sandy.

"Yes, after a long deliberation process, Tweenisode has won the Halloween contest! Congratulations!" I exclaimed, "Now, the prize is up to you – I can write a oneshot, put an OC in one of my stories, whatever you want!"

"We'd also like to thank GP for taking part," added Danny, "It was a close-one; you should be proud of your work."

"Well," grinned Sandy, "That's all from us for this year. Hopin' y'all have a Merry Christmas…"

"…or whatever you celebrate," I interrupted.

"…and we'll see ya next year," finished Sandy.

"Merry Christmas!" everyone exclaimed.

There was a sudden crash, and Dimentio fell out of the vent.

* * *

**THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.**

**Happy Fluffy Reviews will return next year, when we tackle 'One Less Lonely Gurl.'**

**I'm scared.**


	34. One Less Lonely Gurl: Sea Dog Days

Here it is! Literally on the first day of year too!

Review replies;

**N. Harmonik:** Very true, very true. Also, I know about the reply to reviews thing, but for some reason, this feels more personal. Or something. Thanks for reading!

**Dracula X:** I'm glad you like it! :D Thanks for reviewing.

**TweenisodeOrange:** There's no hurry. :) Thanks for the review!

**strawberry jelly:** It's okay, we like what we like. ;) Also, happy very belated Christmas! :D Thanks very much.

**The Ghost Reviewer:** Haven't heard that one. As per OLLG, let's just say that this is gonna suck... Thanks!

**Cartoonatic55:** ...next year, I am doing that. Also, I actually forgot to rate that last one. :\ Thank you!

**Sgt Reynol:** Pants-crappingly crazy? That's toning it down a bit, ain't it? XD The Night Santa Went Crazy is the second-best Christmas song ever, by the way. :) Thanks a bunch!

**RandomNumbers523156:** ...well, if you didn't like the last one, you're going to _hate_ this one! :| Danke Shon.

**Third Kind:** Yes, yes it is. :P Thank ye!

**Dimentio713:** If it makes you feel better, I'm a bit of a buttmonkey myself. :P Thanks mate!

**Wherever Girl:** ...I think you spoke too soon. Also, haven't seen that, is it any good? Thanks for the read!

* * *

**Review 20 – One Less Lonely Gurl Part I – Sea Dog Days**

_Secret Moon Base, Europa, Jupiter  
Stardate: Wednesday_

"So Steel Team took the objective, did they?"

"Yes, sir," nodded the officer, "No casualties were sustained."

"Good."

They were in a dark office, Jupiter clearly visible out of the window. The officer was wearing a black jumpsuit, augmented with a Kevlar vest and ammunition pouches around her waist. She had shoulder-length black hair and a gold-plated Walther P38 in her holster. Her commander was shrouded in shadow, only a silhouette visible to the untrained eye.

"The Kaiser's going after the last one," warned the officer, "The _Tirpitz_ is nearly in position, we _have_ to do something!"

"_Tirpitz_ is twice the size the _Rusalka_ was," reminded the commander, "Add that to the small fleet protecting her, and the sheer number of marines aboard her – the casualties would outweigh any gains we made."

"But they have the firepower to level an area the size of the Ukraine!" exclaimed the officer, "If…"

"The Kaiser doesn't want the Earth destroyed – he can't add it to the Knight's empire if he does," replied the commander, "He just wants to eliminate the opposition. He believes that their main threats come from CAFÉ and Planet Insania. He thinks they have the best chance of defeating the Knight."

"And do they?" asked the officer.

The commander laughed humourlessly.

"They haven't a snowball's," he said.

* * *

Sometimes, you have those dog days, don't you?

Sometimes you wake up to find you missed your alarm. Sometimes you get toast and the butter is past the sell-by date. Sometimes your car breaks down. Sometimes you get locked out of your house. Sometimes you accidentally feed someone magic beans and the ensuing crisis causes major property damage, and then you get attacked by an angry German man and in the process your situation is badly changed for the worst.

Yeah, that last one sticks out a bit, doesn't it?

Grab a seat, friends, it's a long story. It all starts seconds after we finished reviewing _Attack of the Giant Suki…_

* * *

…_and I was like Baby, Baby, Bab-RECORD SCREECH!_

Hold on. Sorry about that.

_There's a man who leads a life of danger,  
To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger,  
With every move he makes, another chance he takes,  
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow…_

* * *

It's amazing how trusting people will be if you wave a toy police badge in their face and tell them you're a copper.

We were now speeding across town in a '36 Cadillac 75 Town Car which I'd liberated from a man who looked a lot like Oswald Mosley. I was in the front, Danny in the passenger seat, and Tucker and Sandy were in the back.

"What the heck's going on?" demanded Sandy, "How'd you even know them beans were magic?"

"Witch doctors never lie," I replied, swerving to avoid an ice-cream truck.

"What about that witch doctor who told you he'd found the elixir of life and it turned out it was moonshine?" asked Danny.

"…well, that was a poor witch doctor," I replied, "Anyway, better safe then sorry."

"_You just stole a car!_" thundered Sandy, "_And you don't even know how to drive!_"

"We're still alive, aren't we?" I shrugged as we narrowly avoided a house.

Sandy gritted her teeth.

"So, where're we going, anyway?" asked Tucker.

"A top-secret facility specialising in these issues!" I replied.

There was a pause.

"…so, we're going to Steel's place?" asked Danny.

"You know it."

There was a pause.

"So," said Tucker, "Indiana's kinda a long way from here…"

"There's a fic in my back pocket," I said, pulling it out and handing it to Danny.

Danny took the fic and unfolded.

"One Less Lonely Gurl?" he quizzed, "That can't be that bad."

I nearly crashed the car into an oncoming truck.

"_What?_" I exclaimed, "I thought I'd put Quarter Life in there! Oh my god, we have to…"

"Can we just get to the darn review?" demanded Sandy.

I sighed.

"Alright, but you're asking for it."

Danny began to read.

_AN: I donut own this spongebob thiny. dis is just a fanfic OK!_

"This feels eerily familiar," said Tucker, nervously.

_It wuz jazz an ordnary day when I dove deep into the dark azure hue of hte ocean. I was tasked to gether some samples of some rare, newly-discovered specimen of coral reefs to send back to the lab for furhter examination. As you can see, I am a marine biologist._

"Okay, bad start, but maybe it'll be fun to read about marine biology…" began Danny.

_But then..._

_what I thought was the tip of a huge coral reef... I discovered Atlantis._

"…this is gonna suck," groaned Danny.

_So I wanted to dive deepter into the murky waters to get to see if I was right, if this IS indeed Atlantis./_

"Wait, Atlantis is in murky waters?" quizzed Sandy, "Why would Atlantis be polluted? It's _Atlantis!_"

"Atlantis – the mythological Beijing," I replied.

_And yes, it is. A huge neon sign lured me to the the deep which ewas ebony black background..._

_and it says "welcome to Atlantis."_

_I was right. I wonder what is in here..._

"Fish?" suggested Danny.

"Water?" suggested Sandy.

"The Beatles?" I suggested.

"David Bowie?" suggested Tucker.

_From down the iridescent_

"…and now I'm thinking of Linkin Park," sighed Danny, "Thanks, author."

_light of the 'coral reef' I discovered came the ebony darkness, anf from the darkness came a bright, flashing light from the neon sign that led me to the inner depths ot the 'coral reef'. This is a most fascinating discovery that I have looked at through my cerulean orbs surrounded with abundadnt lashes._

"What, was 'I had looked at through my eyes' too simple?" asked Sandy.

_Inside was a huge sity just as I read in mystery books_

"Mystery books?" quizzed Tucker, "When was the last time Sherlock Holmes went to Atlantis?"

_and surprisingly, there were people in it. I never knew that atlantis has albready been riscovered_

"Of course, it could always be that _those are the people who live there_," said Danny, exasperated.

"Imperialist," I groaned.

_but maybe it's just that mo one would ver bother to go back to the land because of the filth there and perhaps because of the fact that atlantis is supposed to be a utopia._

"Filth?" I exclaimed, as we drove past a landfill.

"Also, how's Atlantis a utopia? You ain't even described it!" reminded Sandy.

_Suddenly..._

_Everyone was staring at me. They all stopped whatever they were doing._

"They knew what was coming, and were paralysed in fear," I said.

_"She's beautiful!" someone said._

"This was Blind Joe," I added.

_"Ans she has all curves in right places," said anohter.,_

"This was the Tattletale Strangler," said Sandy.

_Even down here, I could have been called someone beautiful, just like back in the land where I came from._

"Not because she actually was beautiful, but because everyone was so terrified of this abomination," I snarled.

_"Not really," I replied. "I just came here by accident and am pretty much lost. Can someone give me some dirsctions?"_

_"Sure," a man with blonde hair, fair skin, and hughe, blue eyes said. He was wearing a white button-up sirt with a red tie, brown pants, and black shoes._

I clenched the steering wheel very hard.

"…uh," asked Danny, "What's wrong?"

I let go of the wheel and screamed at the roof.

"_!"_

I then swerved to avoid a train.

_"This is Bikini Bottom, a city within this entire state known as atlantis, located underneath the Bermuda triangle. THat's why many ships and aircraft mysteriously disappear when passing there. THis is a place that must never be known to man because of their sins._

"Yep, we kill men because they are sinners," said Tucker, nodding, "That's not hypocritical at all!"

_And by the way, I'm Bob. And you are?"_

_"I'm C'ren Amethyst LeHeart-Bieber._

There was a loud thud as everyone in the car slammed their head on the nearest hard object.

_Just call me C'ren. I'm not related to Justin Bieber-"_

_"Justin Bieber?" Bob replied eagerly, interrupting me. "How do you know about him? He's, like, the biggest star here in all Atlantis."_

"Anyone want another head bang?" asked Tucker.

"No, my forehead's still hurting a bit," replied Danny.

_"Wait..." I said. "If you just said that land himans are not allowed here because of theis sins, then why the heck is Justin Bieber well-known here? He is, like, the biggest star in the land above where I come from."_

"What's a himan?" asked Danny.

"He-Man's brother," I replied.

"Also, having just been told that these people kill men for their sins, she tells them that she's from land," said Sandy, "Nice."

"Incidentally, here's their reaction to finding this out," I said.

_The people stared at me again in deeper admiration and put out some papers and pens. They wanted an autograph from me._

There was a loud thud as everyone in the car slammed their head on the nearest hard object.

At this point, we passed a sign that said 'Welcome to Indiana'. I cheered, and grabbed the fic from Danny.

"We're there!" I exclaimed.

"We just crossed the border," snapped Sandy, "It's a state of 36,000 square miles, we're not just gonna run into Steel's studio…"

At that moment, I pulled up in front of Steel's studio.

"…wut."

We got out of the car and walked to the door.

"You know, he's just gonna tell you what the rest of us said," snapped Sandy, "They're just normal beans, and y'all got swindled."

"I highly doubt that," I sniffed, ringing the doorbell.

A few seconds later, Steel emerged, looking annoyed.

"Sam already called me about it," he sighed, "Magic beans, right?"

"I got them from a Witch Doctor," I snapped, "They never lie!"

"What about the time you bought the Philosophers Stone from one and it turned out it was a disguised hand grenade?" asked Steel.

"…that was one time."

Steel sighed.

"Alright, come in," he said, "We'll check this out."

* * *

"Outcast. It's rare you show yourself around here."

A man had entered the commander's office. He had a large build, which was amplified by the armour he was wearing. It was a highly advanced combat armour, the helmet covering his whole head and face. It was clear that this man was, for all intents and purposes, a super-soldier.

"Outcast is here on my orders, Captain," snapped the commander, "This is an important matter and I want it discussed securely – face to face."

Outcast strode up to the desk and saluted.

"How'd Thailand go?" asked the commander.

"All records were destroyed," replied Outcast, "The installation is no longer active, and the mercs guarding the target are…terminated."

"So you went in there and blew it up?" demanded the officer.

"Captain, please," snapped the commander, "If all my troops were like Outcast, this war would be over in a day."

The officer sniffed.

"Outcast, I have a top-secret mission for you," said the commander, "There's a guy we're interested in."

He pointed to a dossier on the desk.

"E350," he explained, "Badfic reviewer. Anglo-Australian teen with a limited grasp on reality. He was there when the Kaiser killed the Tsar. He's number one on the Kaiser's kill-list."

"You want me to protect him?" quizzed Outcast.

The commander laughed.

"No, Outcast. I want you to kill him."

* * *

WHAM LINE

Also, I've only done three chapters. *weeps profusely*

_Baby_ by Justin Beiber. _Secret Agent Man_ by Johnny Rivers - version used by Merseyside.


	35. One Less Lonely Gurl: Faux Bottom

Warning - the chapter ending is a bit violent.

Review replies;

**Ghost Reviewer:** Don't worry, I'll be fine...maybe. :P Thanks for reading!

**TweenisodeOrange:** It gets worse. Oh, it gets so much worse. :| Thanks for reviewing.

**TLSoulDude:** Glad you got it, I was worried it was a bit unclear. Thanks for the review!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Yes, I am going to suffer. :P Thanks very much!

**Cartoonatic55:** Don't feel bad - I did this on my own will. Thanks for the wellwishing. :)

**Dimentio713:** Lots of people sound better then Beiber. :} Thanks!

**Wherever Girl:** It's probably true, to be honest. And I'm afraid it gets worse from here on in. Thank you!

**Third Kind:** Yes, and my god it is full of fail. :| Danke!

* * *

**One Less Lonely Gurl Part II – Faux Bottom**

High above the Atlantic Ocean, a heavy VTOL was soaring westward towards the United States. On board, Sgt. Reynol's squad were checking their rifles, ready for combat as soon as they touched ground. Reynol himself was in the front of the VTOL, next to the pilot.

"You're sure about this?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm sure," nodded the pilot, a Brooklyn drawl underlining his words, "Command had it over every frequency – 'stay away from Indiana, we sent Outcast after E350.'"

Reynol clenched his fists.

"Why's this E3 guy so important, anyway?" asked the pilot, "He's just some fanfic reviewer, ain't he?"

"It's not what he is, it's what he _has_," replied Reynol, "I don't know if command knows it, but the Kaiser does."

"What's he got?" quizzed the pilot.

"The Anti-Magic Thompson," said Reynol.

He glanced out the cockpit window, unease in his eyes.

"We have to get to him before Outcast gets there," he said, "If we don't…"

"He's a goner," nodded the pilot.

"Yeah," agreed Reynol, "Him and anyone with him."

* * *

_You're pitiful, you're pitiful,  
You're pitiful, it's true,  
Never had a date, that you couldn't inflate,  
And you smell repulsive too,  
What a bummer being you…_

* * *

Steel was mostly alone that day. Cooly McAwesome gone out to play video games with 90s Kid, and Sgt. Systema was in the other room, watching something Russian. Steel and Lunatic (who had come over for a review) were left alone to my insane ramblings.

"So, you're _sure_ you haven't been swindled?" quizzed Steel.

"Positive!" I nodded, "I even kept the packaging!"

I showed them a tin. It was a can of baked beans, with the word 'baked' crossed out and the word 'Magec' written in black marker above it.

"…right," deadpanned Steel, "Alright, I'm gonna head in the back and stand ar…_I mean_, check up on Sandy."

"Good plan!" I nodded, "I'll stay here and keep reading this awful fic!"

"Wait, you're reviewing something?" asked Lunatic.

"Yep – One Less Lonely Gurl!"

Steel shut the door behind him, cutting off Lunatic's escape.

Tucker picked up the fic, and we continued to read.

_As soon as that commotion was over, Bob took me to his home that was shaped like a pineapple._

"Who's Bob?" asked Lunatic.

"The frightening, warped alternative Spongebob that this nightmare has produced," I replied, "So, yeah, he's Spongebob."

_"So about Justin Bieber, he is actually like me, also from the land above. What I don't know for sure is how he even got well-known doen here in the first place. May I know why?"_

"Because nature hates us all," replied Danny.

_"Dude, we have computers and TV's down here. Unlike you landlubbers,_

"When did Spongebob become a pirate?" asked Tucker.

_we have access to both land and undersea channels and websites._

"So basically, Bikini Bo-I mean, Atlantis is stealing our cable," nodded Lunatic, "Superior civilization much?"

"The rest of the chapter is just Bob inviting C'rap…I mean C'ren to a Justin Beiber concert, and then they just go to sleep," said Danny.

"Now we get to see angst!" I exclaimed, "Lets see how many angst-points she gets!"

_As I went up to the bedroom, I drifted off to sleep right away. I don';t give a damn about the land above anymore. I want to stay here for the rest of my life. That's because, back in the land, I was maltreated and abused by my own family._ [ANGST POINTS: 1]_ I felt so alone back there._

_My father had another woman besides his true wife and that other woman was my real mother._

"Was he Bill Clinton?" I asked.

"Lame," groaned Tucker.

_She died giving birth to me. _[ANGST POINTS: 2]_ So, my dad had no choice but to just take care of me. As I grew up, the one who I once thought was my mother, his wife, was a torment to my soul._ [ANGST POINTS: 5]_ She was the head of the household and also, she abused my true father who was my only comfort, but then he was too afraid to fight back now. He was too weak a man. Perhaps it's because she was mad at dad for cheating on her._

"_Definitely_ Bill Clinton," I nodded.

"Will you stop that?" snapped Danny.

_My half-brother who was much older became the new man in the household. He was also part of the process at which my false mother tormented me back then._ [ANGST POINTS: 7]_ Everyday, he, with his disgusting face and nastily fat body, tormented me through violating caress and through forcing me to listen to crappy bands such as Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold, both of which are shitty cacophonies that pierced my soul (SEE? I HATE ROCK! so how am I like Ebony?)_

"Want a list?" asked Lunatic.

_and blasted through his mp3 player with its earphones forcibly plugged into my delicate ears. _[ANGST POINTS: 12.53]_ Just like knives and whatnot, I also saw his mp3 player as a tool of torment. _[ANGST POINTS: 19.32x45]_ 'Mother' always rewarded my half-brother for every time he would do such horrendous things. _[ANGST POINTS: 55.3423r2]

"So he tortured you with _Green Day?_" quizzed Tucker.

"Can you imagine her talking with actual torture victims?" asked Danny.

* * *

Danny and I were sitting in a dungeon cell, the former looking extremely dishevelled.

"They stretched me on a rack for five hours!" Danny exclaimed, "Then they prodded me with red-hot pokers and made me eat raw sewerage!"

"That's nothing!" I retorted, "They made me listen to American Idiot on repeat!"

* * *

_"Anything to make C'ren-whateverhernameis miserable," I heard those nasty words resound in my head as the nightmares of my past began to haunt me once again in my sleep. _[ANGST POINTS: 112.324235+pi]

_Soon enough, in front of my very seven-year-old face, she stabbed my father to the very death._ [ANGST POINTS: CXXVIII]_ I only knew about the other woman as my father told me his last words, "Be strong, C'ren, just live your life. She is not your mother."_

"So she murdered someone and never got punished?" quizzed Lunatic.

"It's badfic logic, don't question it," shrugged Danny.

_From that day forth, I have had enough. I ran away from home to get away from 'her' and my goddamn half brother and his shitty 'music' if that is what those pieces of dissonant, trashy noises actually are called._

"Yes, that is what they're called," I nodded, "Look it up on wiki some time."

_Out in the streets where I first fled to, it was snowing. It was cold, and I didn't even have a sweater to keep myself warm. All I had on that day was a tattered, faded black shirt I loathed and just old underwear down below. I was not wearing any pants at all. _[ANGST POINTS: OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAND]

"Yes, we get it, your life sucks," I sighed, "In a world where starving children in Africa might not live to see their third birthday, forgive me if I don't feel sad about your fictional character's over-the-top plight."

I shook my head.

"Sorry, I'm just sick of these 'sad little special snowflake Mary Sues."

"And if you're doubting she's a Sue," added Lunatic, "Take a look at this."

_It was only until I got adopted by a rich couple that couldn't seem to have kids, around that time when I was about fourteen years of age. That was the time when I decided to make up for the things that I have lost and the things I should have already known since I was a kid, such as reading, writing, and computing. That was also when I discovered that real music is the euphony from the voice of an angel known as Justin Bieber, who coincidentally, my adoptive family shares last names with, although they;re not related to him._

_Through four years of luxury, I learned not only to read and write but also various advanced skills such as martial arts, swimming, painting, architecture, trigonometry, biology, fashion design, cooking, mechanics, chemistry, agriculture, guitar playing, singing, drum playing, and computer programming._

_It was at seventeen when I started my career as a marine biologist, just after I won the gold medal in the Olympics for swimming._

"So you want us to believe that she went from being unable to read to being a gold medal winning-artist-fighter-painter-farmer-biologist-fashion designer-mechanic-chef-chemist-musician-singer-drummer-programmer _in three years?_" demanded Lunatic, "_Three years? _THAT. IS. _BULLPLOP!_"

He dropped the fic and kicked it.

"Thank you, Gerald Butler," deadpanned Danny.

_Sure, I may have achieved all those things, but I still felt discontented. My life was still like an empty vessel. I don;t know what the hell was missing in me. Numerous men of all ages may worship the ground I walk upon and many would like to know me, but there is really something that's still wrong with my life._

"Perhaps it could be that you're a greedy jerk?" suggested Danny.

_Perhaps I will discover what it is under the sea, far away from everyone I have once known back in the land above. It's a good thing, though, that after all those times I practiced swimming, I have already mastered it. I am a champ at breath-holding, so I do not need air helmets at all to survive here_

There was a loud thud as everyone in the room slammed their head on the nearest hard object.

_just like how the Atlantian man can, but it's just that Atlantian people seem to have noses that are designed for underwater breathing, just like gills._

"I don't think it could work like that," said Tucker.

_[AN: Ok, I used spellcheck. Hopefully my spelling is better by now._

"Spelling won't save this rubbish," I muttered.

"The next chapter is just her waking up in the night, drinking cocoa and, oh yes, _alluding to the television series,_" snapped Lunatic, "So she's basically trying to tell us that this is the _true _series and the real series is just an adaptation…"

"…and that's terrible," I finished.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Lunatic got up and opened it.

A twenty of the Kaiser's men were standing at the door, their weapons all pointed at Lunatic. Their leader lifted his Walther pistol and held it to Lunatic's forehead.

"Guten tag, mein friend," he greeted.

I walked over, unaware of the Germans at the door. I froze when I saw them. All of their barrels shifted to point at me.

"…you here for me?" I gulped.

"I am here to terminate you," nodded the leader.

Behind me, I heard clicks.

Steel and Systema had strode up to the door, carrying a Lugar and an AK74 respectively. I drew the M1911 I kept in my back pocket and Lunatic pulled an M16 from seemingly nowhere.

"…is there any reason you people carry around so many guns?" asked the German.

"Nope," I shrugged, "But it's cool."

"It's not just them."

Danny strode up, now in ghost form and with fists clenched. Sandy followed and took up a defensive stance, and even Tucker stood forward, armed with the Fenton Lipstick.

"You really think we're scared of you guys?" asked Danny, smirking, "You guys can't fight for…"

His voice trailed off as they heard a whisper in the air. It sounded like a plane at low altitude, and it was getting louder.

With a roar, a VTOL thundered over the studio. A figure jumped out of the side, landing with a crash on one of the Germans.

In a flash, the figure was up. Three quick bangs rang out in succession, and three Germans were blown back by heavy bullets. Two more had time to turn around and raise their rifles before they too were dropped, unable to even fire back.

The figure that had taken out six Germans in three seconds holstered his Desert Eagle and looked at the remaining soldiers. Not a single feature of his skin or face could be seen underneath his black combat armour. The figure glanced at the dead soldiers, and then at the live ones. He cracked his knuckles.

The air was filled with the cracks of Mauser fire as the soldiers opened up, but the bullets seemed to simply bounce off the armour as the figure ran towards the nearest German. He leapt onto him, tackling him to the ground and stamping on his throat. He quickly turned to two Germans trying to surprise him with their bayonets and grabbed their necks in each hand.

A soldier with an MP40 opened fire. Stray bullets ripped into his comrades but failed to affect to the super-soldier, who simply threw the bodies aside and went for the submachine gunner. His right hand charged with electricity. He grabbed the back of the soldier's head with his left and thrust his right hand into his face. Ignoring the screams of the poor man, he pushed him into a comrade, and electricity arced from one to the other.

The remaining Germans fell back into a firing line, firing volley shots before frantically loading the next shots. The figure shook his head and pulled out an experimental-looking submachine gun.

He opened fire, and in just seconds, every remaining German had fallen to the ground, each having taken a burst to the head.

For several seconds, there was silence.

At last, I spoke up.

"…you're on our side, right?"

The figure turned to face us.

"My name is Outcast," he replied, "I am here to terminate you."

* * *

...ah crud.

You're Pitiful by Weird Al Yankovic.


	36. One Less Lonely Gurl: Mile High Crud

I'm clever with these titles. -_-

Review replies;

**Dimentio713:** At least I have help. :) Speaking of help, guess who'll be turning up in the chapter after this one... Thanks for reading!

**Madness Abe:** ...wait and see. ;) Thanks for reviewing!

**Sgt Reynol:** Phew, glad I managed them. :D Thanks for the review!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Tune in next time on _GEEEEEEEEKS IN SPAAAAAAAACE!_ :P Thanks very much.

**N. Harmonik:** Yeah, sorry, I miswrote that. And yeah, it's a bit stale, but I couldn't help it. :} Thanks!

**Cartoonatic55:** I'm really sick of wangsty sues. :P Also, Beleiber makes me think of Believer, which makes me think of...perhaps another time. X| Thank you!

**Dracula X:** I should've made him say that. :) Danke Schon!

**The Ghost Reviewer:** On the contrary - I think 'arrow to the knee' is far worse. :| Thanks a bunch!

**Wherever Girl:** Aye, it's been a bit of a day. :C Thank ye!

**Third Kind:** Perhaps not, but I can be greviously injured. :[ Merci boku!

**RandomNumbers523156:** I don't know where you live, but it sounds awesome. :\ Anyway, thanks for commenting!

* * *

**One Less Lonely Gurl Part III – Mile High Crud**

"_My name is Outcast. I am here to terminate you."_

Large build. Heavy armour. Highly advanced combat armour. Face-concealing helmet. Just tore through twenty armed soldiers in fourteen seconds. At a guess, I'd say he was a super-soldier.

And he'd been hired to _kill me._

As you might be able to tell, I was pretty nervous.

At that moment, there was the crack of gunfire as Loon and Systema opened fire at the man.

Danny joined in, firing a long ectoblast at the super-soldier, and both Steel and I opened up with the pistols.

Before long, the gun clips were empty, and Danny was too exhausted to fire any more.

The figure, still standing, simply crossed his arms.

"_Guns and ectoplasma,"_ he sneered, _"It that it? Pathetic._"

He shook his head and raised his left hand, his fist aimed at the group.

"_My turn._"

A gun appeared from his glove, and fired a tiny pellet at a quarter of light speed.

It as like being hit by a train.

The pellet zoomed past, but the shockwave generated by its momentum sent us flying backwards, through the front room of the studio and straight into the back wall.

For a few seconds, all I could see was stars. I could hear muffled voices around me.

Then I could see again. A Desert Eagle was aimed at my face.

"_I'm sorry,_" snapped Outcast, _"But none of you are leaving here alive._"

* * *

_Oh can't you see,  
You belong to me,  
Every move you make, every step you take,  
I'll be watching you…_

* * *

At the same time, a heavy VTOL was soaring over Indiana, getting lower and lower as it approached Steel's studio.

"Lord Almighty, Sarge, I can't take her any lower!" yelled the pilot, "If anything hits a tree of a building, we're all dead…"

"We're taking the risk," barked Sgt. Reynol, holding tightly to a handrail, "We need E3 alive!"

"…this ain't about E3," mumbled the pilot, "It's about your brothers…"

"And you wouldn't do the same?"

The pilot paused.

"Taking her lower."

The VTOL dropped down low, skirting the treeline as it closed the distance to the studio. Before long, they could see it in the distance, and the pilot slowed down.

"I want you in and out in thirty," he snapped, "That's how long it'll take Outcast to get up when we're done with this."

"Got it," nodded Reynol, "Get it done."

The VTOL soared to a halt just as a massive kinetic shockwave erupted underneath…

There was a sudden blast. Outcast's suit was covered in green lightening, and he froze up. Behind him, a man was running over from a large VTOL.

"Get up!" yelled Ray, "We've gotta move!"

He pulled me to my feet and practically dragged me to the VTOL. Around us, soldiers in futuristic black-and-silver uniforms were helping the others to the flying-machine, and before long we were all.

"Get us out of here!" yelled Ray.

The VTOL's doors closed as it rose off the ground.

There was a sudden clang, and a hole appeared in the left door. A soldier fell to the ground, clutching his arm. A medic grabbed him and began to bandage the wound.

Then we were underway.

"…what just happened?" I asked.

"We saved your lives," replied Reynol.

"Oh."

Reynol looked at me expectantly.

"Err…yay?"

"You're welcome," he sighed, "Look, I'll explain when we get to your place. Right now, you need to go into the back bay and keep reviewing."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because Tucker's sprained his leg, that guy got shot in the arm and Loon's got a nose bleed," snapped Reynol, "The medic needs room, and you aren't…"

"I get it," I sighed, "Steel, Danny, Sandy, you're on point."

We walked into the back compartment (which was rather cramped) and Danny began to read.

_As soon as we got to the Krustry Krab, all eyes were on me again and everyone dropped their patties, mouth agape. So did that grumpy-looking guy with very short, light blue hair and a big nose at the counter._

"She was the ugliest thing they'd ever seen," said Steel.

"We've just been introduced to Squidw…sorry, _Ward_, and he's joined by Mr. Krabs and Larry, whose names haven't been changed," I explained, "Mr. Krabs' defining character moment?"

_"Hello," Eugene, this time, said to me in a way that he wants to hit on me. I decided to run as fast as I can because the mere thought of him creeped the hell out of me._

"Mr. Krabs is a pervert," I nodded.

There was a pause.

Then there was a brief struggle as I tried to steal Steel's Luger and turn it on myself.

"Anyway, C'ren swims – yeah, I don't know either – into the Chum Bucket," said Danny, "And meets Plank-I mean, Sheldon."

_"Is somebody there?" A deep, manly voice said. "What would you like to buy?" He went out of his room. He was a short guy with green-gray hair and crimson eyes. He was wearing clothes that are the same color as his hair, perhaps to make himself look taller._

"Thankfully, he's not wearing leather pants," groaned Sandy.

"Sheldon recognises C'ren because he asked for her autograph yesterday," continued Steel, "They hit off in what is most certainly not foreshadowing before Spongebob swim off to Justin Beiber's concert."

"This chapter is _five lines long_," I snapped, "_Five. Lines. Long._"

"And now, the fun part," grinned Danny.

_[AN: "I'm already assuming that almost none of you can actually strum a guitar with your left hand and press frets using the right hand. And also be a SELF-TAUGHT musician who can also play the drums, piano, and trumpet." I said ALMOST NONE of you. ALMOST. Know what it means. You know, I don't even know you guys personally, so as a matter of fact, I'm just doing a rough estimate. I'm sure though that it's hard to accomplish what Bieber has already accomplished for himself. And honestly, I don't think looks is a good reason for someone to get mad at another. I know that. In case you did not remember in Ch 5 and read it CAREFULLY, C'ren isn't mad at her half-brother because he's fat and disgusting but because of the things he has done to her. And Neva, thanks. There's nothing wrong with Bieber. Lotsaluv from Monica.]_

"Okay, there's nothing wrong with liking Justin Beiber," I said, "I personally don't like him, that's my opinion. You know what I like? The Band of the Royal Scots."

"That's not very mainstream," muttered Steel.

"But I'm not going to belittle people for not being able to play the bagpipes like them," I finished, "And that is how I interpret these ANs. Oh, and don't worry – they get much worse."

"Anyway, we get to the concert, there's Pearl, Beiber starts singing, blah blah blah," continued Sandy…

_"Hey, you," he said. He was looking at me through the crystal clear helmet he was wearing._

"…and that varmint stole my helmet!" snapped Sandy.

_"Yes, you, beautiful girl with blonde, green, and pink hair._

"Sasha will crush you like little worm!" I said in my worst Russian accent.

_I was elated to know that of all the people in the stadium, he would pick me to come up on stage and sing with him._

"He must have a bad judge of character," sighed Danny.

"So Beaver lets her sing for the rest of the concert, because that's realistic," said Steel, "Also, Boys Who Cry, because we really needed them in this fanfiction."

"Now, more ANs!" I grinned.

[AN: Nope, not every guy will actually love her. Especially not the guys who are like Billie Joe Armstrong, Andy Sixx, Gerard Way, or Synyster Gates.

"So basically, everyone who doesn't like her is going to be presented as bad, right?" groaned Danny.

_Also, Justin Bieber is just a cameo appearance in this fanfic. Not the entire fic will actually revolve around him. It will be revealed in the later chapters. C'ren entered the Youth Olympics and in case you did not remember, she is adopted by a RICH family with many connections, thus she has many sponsors. And yes, she will have a flaw that will be revealed later on, but one obvious one is that most Goth, Emo, Punk, and Metal guys will not really like her that much._

"You know who else won't like her?" I growled, "Nerds. Geeks. Blue-collars. Artisans. Politicians. Soldiers. Policemen. Fireman. Doctors. Nurses. Comedians. Democrats. Republicans. Communists. Fascists. Tsarists. Romans. _Spartans. Persians. Athenians. Dutchmen. Sailors. Redcoats. Salesmen. Pilots. Heroes. Villains. Parisians. Vikings. Saxons. Normans. Angles. Celts. EVERYONE!"_

Steel, Danny and Sandy stared.

"Sorry," I muttered, "Got carried away."

"So…" nodded Sandy, taken aback, "Beiber takes C'ren back to her pad, they talk about how awesome C'ren is, and then Beiber complains that he can't have a Krabby Patty. Then he says he has to leave soon, because of his tour…"

_The next day, it was all over the news that Justin Bieber's submarine engines broke, and that he will have to swim all the way back to the lands without it. I rushed to the scene where he was and told him in a worried way that it's too dangerous to go back up there._

_"Maybe you're right," he replied. "Perhaps I'll just stay here for just a little longer."_

_I smiled as I hugged him. I thought of a grand scheme that will finally make him mine... forever. No matter what it takes._

There was a long silence.

"So our hero is a stalker," I nodded, "That's…really scary."

"Hey, guys!" called Loon, leaning into the compartment, "We're landing!"

"Yay!" I cheered, shoving the fic into Steel's chest and running out of the compartment.

* * *

Outcast walked down the road, heading in the direction of the town in which I lived. He would have looked very conspicuous, were he not cloaked at the moment.

All of a sudden, he received a transmission.

"Captain," he nodded.

"_Outcast_."

"What is it?" demanded Outcast.

"_ENIGMA's got new orders,_" replied the officer, _"He wants you aboard the _Tirpitz_ within the hour. Word is that they're about to fire on E350's base, and that the firepower would wipe out the whole state._"

"I'm on it," nodded Outcast.

He paused.

"You gonna bury the hatchet, Jones?"

"_I should have been chosen for the Outcast program_," snapped Captain Jones, bitterly, _"I trained for that for three years."_

"Well, you lost out," growled Outcast, "This conversation is over."

He cut off the transmission and waited as his VTOL came into view.

* * *

OH NO! PLOT!

Every Breath You Take (c) The Police


	37. OLLG: Into the Mountains of Mehness

In this chapter, stuff happens. But not in the fic.

Review replies;

**Capertadia:** Well, I try. =P Thanks for reading!

**Pyrze4132:** Ah well - onwards to 444! XD Thanks for reviewing!

**OddAuthor:** Thanks for all the reviews, mate! :D

**TweenisodeOrange:** You're absolutely right - C'ren would make a fantastic villain. I mean, she's clearly got issues. :| Thanks very much!

**Nin:** Well...okay! (immediately presses red button). Thanks!

**Dimentio713:** I have a gasmask, if it helps... Thank you!

**Cartoonatic55:** _Very_ suspicious. I'll have to check it out... Anyway, merci boku!

**RandomNumbers523156:** It was supposed to be an EMP, shortening out his suit's systems. I'll check out your song. :) Thank ye!

**Sgt. Reynol:** Ah, thanks. I also see I forgot Belgians. Thanks a bunch!

* * *

**One Less Lonely Gurl IV – In the Mountains of Mehness**

Somewhere in the dark abyss of space, SMS _Emden_ was heading for the Solar System, bound for Planet Earth.

_Emden_ was a cruiser, a fast and modern design with a large crew. She was carrying several small pods, containing the essentials for starting a base planet-side. Her destination was the Richardson Mountains in Yukon, to establish a base of operations for the Kaiser in North America.

She was just one of eight similar vessels – _Königsberg_, _Dresden_, _Elbing_, _Stettin_, _Gazelle_, _Irene_ and_ Stuttgart_. All of these ships were heading to various positions on the planet.

The order – prepare for a takeover.

* * *

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,  
I know, right now you can't tell,  
But stay a while, and maybe then you'll see,  
A different side of me…_

* * *

"So," asked Sam, crossing her arms as she watched us return to the house, "Did you get the magic beans out?"

"We'll work on it later," I said, "Right now, we're opening the weapons vault."

"We have a weapons vault?" quizzed Danny.

"Yeah, they come standard for reviewers," I replied, "Danny, open it up and share out the ordinance. Tucker, get on the horn with CAFÉ and get us reinforcements. Ray, get a boarding party ready – we're going up to _Tirpitz._"

"And what're you gonna do?" asked Reynol.

"I'm gonna keep reviewing badfic," I shrugged, "Like the lazy git that I am."

I strode into the review room, ignoring Reynol shaking his head.

Xem and Spongebob were in there, eating popcorn and watching My Little Pony.

"Why are you guys here?" I quizzed.

"You left the door unlocked," replied Xem.

"Ah," I nodded, "Can you guys help me review something?"

"Yeah," shrugged Xem, "It's a Rarity episode anyway."

I blinked.

"Yes," I said.

I sat down and put the printed fic on the table.

_The truth is, I actually snuck back in the silence of the early morning after the concert to the engine room of the submarine and dismantled the engines so that I can stop Justin from going back up to the land._

"Someone call the police!" Sam exclaimed, "This idiot is insane!"

_That's because I want him to stay with me here and help me with my plans. The mere thought of this brought about a huge smile on my face. This is the true beginning of my life and my self-discovery, to find my purpose in this world._

"You already have a purpose," I snapped, "To be annoying."

_"Didn't you tell me last night that you wanted to be able to take that stupid helmet off? Well, I am also a chemist,_

"Drinking game," suggested Xem, "Whenever C'ren has a magical new skill, take a shot."

_so perhaps I can invent something that will enable you to breathe underwater, but I will need Sheldon's help for that," I said. "I heard that he's also a chemist just like me."_

_"Isn't that guy an epic failure in life? As far as I heard of him, though."_

_"Yep, pretty much," I said. "It's just that I don't want to make him feel so bad about himself anymore. I mean, just look at his place. It's desolate and empty. I've already tasted the stuff that he sells. It's just so awful. So I want him to feel that at least he has done something right."_

"So you stranded him under the ocean against your will," finished Sam, "You're a _wonderful person._"

"So, they…talk," said Spongebob, "And say that this is the _real_ Bikini Bottom…and talk…and talk…"

"You get the point," nodded Sam.

_As both of us went in the Krusty Krab, we both signed autographs for the people who were eating there while Justin's bodyguards helped us keep secure. Mr. Krabs went out of his office and politely escorted us to our table which looked like it had been reserved for us. It was on a raised platform, had a white tablecloth, and on top of it were pink roses in a crystal vase. There were also three scented candles with different shades of pink on top of the table, but not near enough the roses to burn them. Bikini Bottom actually has a special form of flame they discovered long ago in their history that was resistant to water but can be extinguished easily by enclosing it in a container just like normal land fires. Also, the underwater flames do not really grow very big._

"Don't try to explain the joke!" snapped Xem.

"Also, who tries to stop a fire by putting it in a container?" demanded Sam.

"Maybe it's a really big container," mused Spongebob.

_Ward was there with his clarinet ready. As I sat down, Justin started to sing my favorite song, One Less Lonely Girl. Even if Ward was convinced that he was an untalented clarinet player, I actually thought he is pretty good._

"No! You can't Squidward play well! You _can't!_" exclaimed Xem.

"And since when did Squidward think he sucked?" demanded Sam.

"I don't think he sucks," whispered Spongebob.

_We started to eat. We also talked about life in general, music, and ourselves. This is my first date, and of all the people I can have it with, I am ever grateful that it's with the one I always wanted to have, and of all places in the world, it's actually in a place I've always wanted to be in- far away from my past and all the pains and worries of the land above. The waters down here seemed to have effaced all traces of sadness in me if any of that is left at all. Down here, I can feel the ocean absorb the sun's rays everyday and transform it into a rainbow that adds color to my every day and heals my broken spirit._

"Yeah, I get it, you wave your hands and puke rainbows, now shut up!" groaned Sam.

_"Everything is going as I am planning to," I thought to myself as the grin that is already formed on my face becomes more intense. "This is going to be great. If I can make Justin Bieber mine forever, my grand scheme of things will unfold the way they should. Time for the next step."_

We all shivered as a cold wind seemed to blow through the room.

_The next day, I told Justin that I cannot go with him and that I will have less time for him for the meantime because I will create the chemical that will allow him to breathe underwater. Justin, after all, is just a small but important part of my plan. Having him fall for me is just an additional point for the fulfillment of the things I am supposed to do. I know pretty darn well that the world does not revolve around him. The world revolves around the sun, so that means there is more to life than just him._

"That's oddly specific," said Spongebob.

"C'ren then goes for a job at the Krusty Krab," explained Xem, "Mr. Krabs says no, but then he says yes and fires Squidward – this is apparently a good thing."

"Yay layoffs!" I cheered.

"She proceeds to earn the restaurant _two million dollars,_" Xem stressed.

There was a long silence.

"_Two million dollars,_" repeated Xem.

"Economics does not work that way!" I shouted.

There was a knock at the door.

"Guys," called Danny, "Everyone's armed and CAFÉ sent a shuttle. We just need to do a lock and load montage. You up for it?"

"Coming!" I said, brightly.

* * *

Out in the backyard, the group was preparing to shuttle up to the _Tirpitz_.

Steel loaded the Luger and holstered it, before bringing out a kukri, throwing it into the air and catching it in his other hand.

Loon placed a new magazine in his M16, checked the sight and pulled back the safety, before slinging it over his shoulder and crossing his arms.

Xem, who had come unarmed, had been given a MAS-38 upgraded with a heat sink and a probably unnecessary scope. He quickly checked the heat sink before attaching a bayonet to the barrel.

Reynol had been given a Vickers Machine Gun, enhanced to be man portable and upgraded to fire a particle beam. He picked it up and held it at hip level, grinning.

Sandy slipped on her karate gloves. Once they were on, she jumped up, chopped at air and landed in a defensive position.

Spongebob pulled out his bubble soap, blew a small bubble, and grinned.

Danny clenched his fists as white rings appeared around his waist, crossing over him as he turned into Danny Phantom.

The shuttle door opened. Jimmy Neutron, carrying a Tornado Blaster and wearing a baseball helmet, called for us to get int. Behind him, Madness Abe, Dimentio, Dimentia and Cartoonatic were waiting for us to get in.

"Tucker, Sam!" called Danny as we approached the shuttle, "Hold the fort and try to hack into the _Tirpitz_'s systems!"

"Got it," said Tucker, saluting.

Danny nodded as we climbed into the shuttle, the door shutting behind us as we rocketed off into the sky.

* * *

TO BATTLE, CHUMS!


	38. OLLG: The Most Awesome Chapter Ever

**One Less Lonely Gurl V – The Most Awesome Thing Ever**

_Warning: The following chapter is incredibly awesome. Your head may explode._

* * *

The shuttle flew over-WARNING – INTERFERENCE DETECTED. BROADCAST CUT OFF. INTERCEPTED BROADCAST FROM CUBLIVIA WILL BE PLAYED INSTEAD.

* * *

Insert the tape, Fidel.

_*Insert the Internationale in Spanish here.*_

Greetings, amigos! Today is a glorious day, for today we have overthrown the decedent capitalistic-imperialistic-fascist-what-have-you reign of the bourgeoisie E350! No more shall you have to worry about E350's Happy Fluffy Reviews of Really Bad Fanfics oppressing the fanfic masses!

As of today, we have officially declared the independence of Ché350's Revolutionary Reviews of Decedent Capitalist Fanfics, and that's totally different!

So sit back, my comrades, and watch as I praise the works of the great and glorious proletariat fanfic writer…MarioDS01! Let's get right into it!

_*stares dramatically at camera for five minutes*_

Now, let us start by looking at his recent DevArt posting, Fanfiction Help! In this, rather then writing his own stories, he asks the workers to do it for him – without paying them! This is an excellent example of collectivism!

Let us look at his ideas!

_-Epona the Centauress: Can take place either the Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask Zelda games. In here somehow Epona becomes a Centaur and she may already be in love with Link or starts to fall for him after transforming. Just need ideas how she gets transformed and how the plot should go. I would think Epona in her new form could learn to defend herself._

Ah, now this is an example of the equality of the communist system! In converting this character into a centaur, Comrade DS01 asks for Link to commit bestiality in the name of love! Isn't it charming, comrades? It also states that centaurs should be held equal to humans in our glorious communist union.

It is of course _wrong_, because Marx never mentioned centaurs and therefore they are livestock not people, but it's wonderfully naïve.

_-Gwen the Inventor: This story takes place in the Disney movie "The sword in the Stone" Here the Red squirrel in the movie is turned into a human by Merlin to be with Arthur/Wart. She is a pretty quick learner the human language and such and also takes a lot of interest in future inventions like the airplane and the train, more so then Arthur. So she decides to have a little jumpstart for technology in the medieval times with help of humans and even animals, maybe with a little magic. Just need a little help with plot and whatnot. Not sure what Gwen's personality should be, she did save Arthur one time, maybe a bit of a Tomboy, maybe can learn to defend herself and fight using wits._

Here we are shown his desire to pair the (evil, imperialist pigdog) King Arthur with a squirrel and change the course of British history, hopefully creating a communist dicta…_republic_ by…let's say 1044. Naturally, a squirrel would have incredible knowledge in the mechanics of railways and aeroplanes – that is why the Cublivian Air Force is piloted entirely by squirrels!

_*is handed a note*_

We just lost a major air battle with a neighbouring state, Fidel? Eh, just have the pilots shot and send other ones out. Oh, and send the shot pilots to the kitchen, I have cravings.

Still, as I was saying, this guy knows how to pair squirrels. Which is more then can be said for that capitalist pigdog E350. I mean, a squirrel and a sponge? A squirrel and King Arthur makes much more sense!

_-SonicxMadonna:_

_*long, awkward silence*_

…yeah, we're gonna skip this one.

Now, let us go through his older strikes of genius and see what he has.

_1. Having Dave Seville and Vinny (From A Chipmunk Reunion) as a couple. I actually have an interesting idea of having Dave meet Vinny before she had the 3 Chipmunks and making Dave Seville as the biological father to the Chipmunks_

A human is biologically the father of some chipmunks?

…you _GENIUS._

_What if Fry and Amy Never broke up in the episode "Put Your Head on my Shoulder" from there you can have the aftermath. I personally love this couple more then the FryxLeela one since that one may never happen, but I can see FryxAmy happening._

I've been saying this since 1989, amigo – hindsight is a b***h.

_There is this scene where Wart/Arthur is turned into a squirrel and meets up with a female squirrel. Wart/Arthur tries to avoid her with no success, later she saves him from a wolf. In the end, Arthur is turned back to normal and leaves the female squirrel which breaks her heart. I was thinking if someone can come with a good alternative ending to this that would be great with them staying together. Either have Wart/Arthur stay a Squirrel and someone else becomes King or Queen._

That's right, Arthur, reject the crown! Down with monarchism!

Also, again, Comrade DS01 notes the superiority of the squirrel. They are not livestock, unlike centaurs.

You know, I think it goes without saying that Comrade DS01 is truly a genius. Therefore, we shall leave off now and return to our revolutionary cause! Next stop – Outta the DVD! _We're going to party like its 1959! Viva la revolution!_

Oh, and if you didn't pick it up before now…

_*removes beard and beret, puts on glasses.*_

April fool.

* * *

I couldn't help it. I'm sorry.

All replies for Chapter 36 will be done in the next chapter.


	39. OLLG: OWNED

We have been hit by a curve-ball, and therefore I've been forced to change my plans. See below.

To make up for it, I'm going to answer all reviews as Che350.

**OddAuthor: **April Fools? April fools is decedant capitalism! We have our fools day in Marx!

**TweenisodeOrange:** Sonic is capitalist - we must all play Mario! Gloriously!

**Nin:** Prank? This is no prank! Cublivia is real, damn it! *bursts into tears*

**Cartoonatic55:** When state says it is April, it is April. When communists say it is October, it is September, yes? Also, Sonic/Madonna is decedant capitalist crackpair.

**RandomNumbers523156:** That happen a lot in Cublivia, as we have it playing on every radio non stop! :D

**Third Kind:** That's okay - we have abolished March 31st in Cublivia so that we can say you posted on April 1st. :D

* * *

**One Less Lone-oh**

_Nah, I was just kidding the whole f**king time! Anyway, the entire One Less Lonely Gurl gig is just a bad, bad, joke. Congratulations to those who were able to tell that I'm not serious about this whole thing. I'm not who you guys think I am. I'm actually just a dude named Jimmy who's curious about human stupidity and its bounds. And, I learned the hard way by challenging myself to write something deliberately horrible, from plot to grammar. Part of the challenge was also arguing with you guys, when, as a matter of fact, I actually agree with all of you. It was definitely tough going against what I actually agree with, so I took a long time off from this website. Yes, I'm being serious now. I've already given up on this fanfic altogether and my awful persona as Monica-Gilbey-Bieber, uber-idiot. Nope, this account isn't hacked. This is really me._

I stared, dumbfounded, at the screen as the shuttle rattled through space towards the _Tirpitz_. I tried to comprehend what I had just read. All I knew was that I had been completely and utterly owned.

"_Wow,_" I wheezed.

I looked up from the screen, shaking my head.

"Well, sod it," I shrugged, "Let's do a JusSonic fic."

* * *

_Everything you know is wrong,  
Just forget the words and sing along,  
All you need to understand is  
Everything you know is wrong!_

* * *

Cartoonatic, Spongebob, Jimmy and I were sitting in the cockpit of the shuttle, Jimmy piloting the vehicle. I was still a bit shell-shocked from the groundbreaking revelation I had received, but had managed to print a copy of the fic we were reviewing.

"Are you sure we can't finish One Less Lonely Gurl?" asked Spongebob, "Maybe it got better at the end…"

"It didn't," Cartoonatic deadpanned.

"Well, maybe we can't do that," I shrugged, "But we can turn on the wayback machine and review one of the first fics I ever read, back when I was a young 'un. That'll be much better, right?"

"No," Cartoonatic and Jimmy sighed.

"…well, never mind," I shrugged, "Let's read the Son of Evil, an All Grown Up fanfic by JusSonic."

_In a dark and cold mansion, a wife of the late Stan Matthews is getting her son ready for school. But it isn't for educational reasons no. It's to avenge the death of her husband who was defeated at the hands of their foes._

"He's going to school for revenge?" quizzed Cartoonatic, "Does he go to Dictator School?"

_The widow known as Coco LaBouche waits for her son as she ponders._

"Wait, the villain from Rugrats in Paris?" quizzed Jimmy, "So, she's been vying for revenge for _ten years?_ Against _babies?_ Doesn't she have a hobby or something?"

_"Stan, my husband. Your death will not in vain. Our son will finish what you have started. Yes, today Tommy Pickles and his friends will suffered the consequences of the one they don't expected to be their foe." Coco LaBouche looks at a picture of the late Stan Matthews._

"Who's Stan?" asked Spongebob.

"I dunno, an OC maybe," shrugged Jimmy.

_Coco also knew her husband's dark secret. For Stan Matthews is also the most evilest creature ever..._

"He was even more evil then Bob Johnson and Steve Doe," I said.

"Coco's son, whose name is Adam, comes down and talks to his mom about their evil plans," explained Jimmy, " They also reveal that a lot of the plots of other episodes of AGU were part of this evil plan of…revengeance or something. Why no-one ever caught on to this, we don't know."

"Then we get the theme song, written in text," said Cartoonatic.

"Yaaaaay," we groaned.

"Cut to school," I said, "This is the place where…"

_At school, the kids and teachers go through their everyday stuff. Students learning stuff, teachers teaching stuff, the usual._

"You said it, JS," I nodded.

_"Maybe later. Hey, here comes Kimi and the others now." Chuckie remarked._

_For some reason, Tommy got nervous and quickly hides in his locker, closing the door on his way in. Chuckie stares as if it's the most ridiculous thing he has seen all day._

"…why did he do that?" I asked, "There was no reason for him to do that."

"Basically, there's some less-then-subtle hinting that Tommy has a crush on Kimi, there's talking about after-school stuff, then the villain arrives," continued Cartoonatic.

_As the Grown Up Rugrats head to their next class, they all suddenly got a dreadful feeling._

"They realised that sauerkraut was not as tasty as they'd expected," added Jimmy.

_Soon they all see someone coming their way. A new student. This student has black hair, wear glasses, wears a black jacket and blue pants. Some students for some reason got out of his way. The new student goes up to the Rugrats and glares at them._

"Lightning struck in the distance," added Jimmy, "The Imperial March began to play on an organ."

"Tommy accidentally touches Kimi's hand and runs off in terror, as you do," continued Cartoonatic.

_Kimi is not sure how to respond to that. Except how to tell Tommy how she feels._

"Caaaaaan you feel the love tonight?" I sang.

"We just hit tur-buu-leeeence!" continued Jimmy.

"What? In space? But that's im-possible," added Cartoonatic.

"Science eat your heart ooouuuuuttttt!" finished Spongebob.

There was a short silence. Then Jimmy cleared his throat and continued.

"Turns out, Alan's going to be in the group's class – dull surprise – and no-one is happy about it because he's creepy," he said, "Speaking of creepy, Tommy says this to Chuckie in private."

_"Yes. Yes I do. To tell you the truth, I kinda liked Kimi since we were babies._

There was a long silence.

"…moving on," whispered Spongebob.

"Tommy angsts over Kimi liking Z instead of him," I said, "And yes, there actually is a character in AGU called Z. Chuckie tells him to suck it up and take his chances, but Tommy's still not willing. Back at the cafeteria, Alan says menacing things and his shadow laughs evilly on his own – for some reason, no-one notices this."

"Meanwhile, some children's toys play poker," added Jimmy.

There was another long silence.

"Nobody spiked my coke, right?" I asked, "This is actually happening?"

Yep," nodded Cartoonatic, "This is real."

_Back at school, Kimi and their pals got themselves a visit from the new kid._

_"Hello." Alan said darkly._

"I'd trust him completely," grinned Spongebob.

"Alan talks to them about episodes of the series and Z, alluding to one of JusSonic's other fics which I sadly cannot find," I said, "Why am I sad about that?"

_"One more question. How are you since that whole business with the Stalin person and your mom's former boss a while back?"_

"Yeah, you read that right," I nodded, "JusSonic wrote about Coco LaBouche teaming up with Uncle Joe."

"Alan gets creepy and Tommy returns, telling him to get lost," said Cartoonatic, "He does, but not before his shadow makes the cafeteria table fall down."

"Oh the humanity!" exclaimed Spongebob.

"Alan leaves and meets with a villain called Clonus, who reveals himself to be a few minor antagonists from the series and…wait for it, wait for it…Z," I continued, "He then commences Operation Date Kimi because that's really an effective evil plan. Meanwhile, the children's toys enter school in disguise to spy on Tommy for Alan."

There was another long silence.

"Anyway, Z meets Chuckie and Kimi," continued Jimmy, "Listen to this dialogue."

_"Ha, you're totally wonk._

_"Oh please. He's totally wonk._

_"Fine, whatever you said is totally retro."_

"Don't jive too much there, g-money, dig?" I deadpanned.

"They decide to head to the arcade, with Z planning on preventing Tommy from meeting up with Kimi," said Cartoonatic, "Then Alan tells his children toys that they're stupid."

There was a short silence this time.

"So, basically everyone tells Tommy to just tell Kimi that he likes here," continued Cartoonatic, "There's another scene with the children's toys. Then Tommy and Dil talk and he finally decides to go tell Kimi how he feels."

"Finally," nodded Jimmy, "He's been more indecisive then Hamlet!"

"So he goes to the arcade, but the children's toys stop him from meeting Kimi and Z gets her out before he finds her," continued Spongebob, "He takes her to meet a mystery friend…"

"It's Alan," sighed Jimmy.

"Well…yeah," nodded Spongebob.

"And here we find out the extent of his powers," I said.

_"How nice to see you again, Ms. Finister." said Alan in cold voice, "Since you are Z's friend, I'm sure you and I can be friends too."_

_"Uh, I'm not sure. You scared me earlier and Tommy and Chuckie doesn't trust you." Kimi said nervously._

_"But I'm Z's friend. You can trust me."_

_Alan's glowed red as he stares at Kimi. Suddenly, Kimi's eyes glowed red as well. It's like she's in a trance, that her mind is someone else's._

_"I'm your friend." Alan said._

_"Right. You are...my friend." Kimi said still in at trance._

_"And as your friend, I requested that you hated Tommy and wanted to eliminate him in the name of Alan Matthews, son of the Shadow Man." Alan ordered her._

_Kimi nodded obediently. Z/Clonus smiles evilly._

"Mind control eyes," I nodded, "Best hypnosis method since buckets."

"Alright, we're almost there," said Jimmy, slowing down the shuttle, "I just need to find a landing bay and…"

There was a loud bang, and the shuttle was rocked.

"What was that?" demanded Loon, running up from the main compartment of the shuttle.

"Something's fighting the _Tirpitz_," snapped Cartoonatic, looking at the radar.

"Probably CAFÉ," I nodded, "They had a few destroyers patrolling around the CAFÉ satellite, it's probably them."

"Yeah, but there's also boarders _inside_ the _Tirpitz_," elaborated Cartoonatic.

"_ENIGMA_," hissed Jimmy.

"What?" asked Spongebob.

"Uh…the _Tirpitz's_ anti-ship defences," Jimmy quickly replied, "They'll probably be tearing into CAFÉ's defences, so…yeah, let's board this ship!"

"I like your style, Mr. Neutron!" I grinned, patting him on the back, "Ready up, let's do this thing!"

We left the cockpit, leaving Jimmy alone. He glanced back towards the scanner and grimaced. For a second, his eyes flashed red.

* * *

To be honest, I'm kind of glad we didn't finish OLLG. It's not just that it's bad, it's that the later part is ungodly boring.

That said, well played, dude named Jimmy. Well played.


	40. OLLG: The Villain and Stuff

Finally, we're almost done with this arc! :D Next time, I having less characters. :P No offense to you guys, but it's _really_ hard to keep track of everyone.

Review replies;

**Maximagination:** Yeah, me too. Doesn't make it any less fun to laugh at, though. :D Thanks for reading.

**TweenisodeOrange:** Yes, yes they are. :) Well spotted. Thanks for reviewing!

**N. Harmonik:** We got suckered like nobodies business. :P Thanks for the review!

**RandomNumbers523156:** Toonure sounds like a horrible disease. :| Thing is, you review one JusSonic parody and you've reviewed 'em all, and I've reviewed one, soo... :D Thanks very much!

**OddAuthor:** Thanks mate! :D

**Nin:** Plus, didn't she end up in prison or something? :\ Thanks!

**Cartoonatic55:** Me too. XD Alan being Facilier's son would be an excellent twist, but sadly this fic was written in '06, so it's impossible. :( Thank you!

**Third Kind:** Oh, it gets better...or worse, much much worse. Take your pic. :D Danke Shon!

**Sgt. Reynol:** That, and it defiles canon like a crab flail defiles a road. o-o Merci bocu!

**trachie17:** Hmm...I take a look at it. :) Thanks a bunch!

* * *

**Not One Less Lonely Gurl Part VI: The Villain And Stuff**

The crew of the _Tirpitz_ were fully engaged in the ongoing space battle. Therefore, they failed to notice Escape Pod 013 slip out of its berth and drift aimlessly into space. They also failed to notice a shuttle slink up next to the berth and connect with the airlock.

We emerged from the shuttle, Systema and Loon leading the way with their rifles. Cautiously, we crept through an open doorway…

…straight into view of a squad of very large German marines with assault rifles and good cover.

"Can't we just have a quiet day for once?" I sighed.

We leapt into cover as the Kaiser's men opened fire.

"Did we bring any grenades?" shouted Systema.

"I thought you had them!" Abe shouted back.

"Oh for the love of…" groaned Steel.

He held up his kukri and managed to deflect a burst, sending stray bullets ricocheting into one of the Germans.

"Hold on!" I yelled, "I've got an idea!"

I reached into my pocket, grabbed the empty tin of 'magec beans' and hurled it at the enemy. There was a loud 'clunk' at it hit a man's helmet.

"Was?" spluttered the German, ceasing his fire in confusion.

At that moment, Jimmy, Loon and Ray ducked out of cover and fired a volley at the Germans.

Suddenly, they exploded.

Ten men in silver light body armour rushed into the room, carrying phase rifles. They wore helmets with a bubble-shaped visor, and they carried a very professional air.

Their commanding officer strode into the room, arms crossed.

"_You can thank me for that later_," snapped Outcast, "_Right now, we need to talk_."

* * *

_It's the final countdown!  
The final countdown!  
The final countdown! (final countdown!)_

The high tension was uncomfortable to say the least.

Everyone with a gun was currently aiming it at one of their enemies. Everyone without a gun made the most threatening pose they could.

"…well, this is pretty awkward," croaked Spongebob.

"What the heck is up, Outcast?" snapped Reynol, aiming his weapon at the super-soldier's head, "What's E3 done to ENIGMA, huh?"

"_I don't know,"_ retorted Outcast, _"I just do what I'm told."_

"Well, maybe you just got a bad order," growled Danny.

"_There are no bad orders,"_ snarled Outcast.

"You're wrong," I whispered.

"_I'm _never_ wrong_," growled Outcast.

"Yes, there are!" I snapped, raising my voice, "There _are_ bad orders! Orders like 'murder these people' or 'raze this city' or stuff like that!"

"_You heard about Ruckersville?"_

"Look, you're here, we're here, we obviously want the same thing," snapped Sandy, "So why don't we just bury the hatchet and make a truce till we're done."

"_Still not convinced,"_ replied Outcast, shaking his head.

"Well, then I guess this is gonna get ugly," sighed Reynol, preparing to fire.

"_Outcast!_"

A female officer entered through the cloud of smoke, looking none too pleased.

"_Jones,_" nodded Outcast, curtly.

"In case you haven't noticed," growled Jones, clenching her fists, "This ship is about to fire a salvo at something on the surface of Earth!"

"I hope its Paris," I whispered.

"_Well, I've crippled their ground strike capability,"_ snapped Outcast, _"And it's a good thing too, or Illinois would be a large crater."_

"_Actung! Actung!_"

The ship's PA system crackled into life.

"_Mk. XII Javelin Atomic Torpedo shall be fired in fifteen minutes. All hands, man your stations."_

"That's one of our nukes," gasped one of Outcast's men.

"Well, that's…bad," I said, nervously.

"_Very_ bad," nodded Jones, "We need to stop them. _Now._"

"_Well its – __radiological alarm__!_" shouted Outcast.

"Well, no kidding Sherlock," nodded Jones, wryly.

"Where?" called the other soldier.

"_Too indistinct,"_ mused Outcast, almost to himself, "_Probably a torpedo room."_

"Y'know, we're still here," I pointed out.

I was ignored.

Outcast began to shout off orders to his subordinates, which I failed to take in due to constant references to afts and foredecks and things.

"So, are you gonna shoot at us or what?" demanded Steel.

"_This takes precedence,"_ replied Outcast, darkly, _"But I can have C-squad chase you away if it makes you feel better."_

"We will be _fine_, thank you," I stressed.

"_So…what are __you__ lot going to do now?"_ Outcast asked.

"We're gonna go to the bridge and fight the Kaiser!" I replied, brightly.

"_I don't have time for this,"_ groaned Outcast, _"Move out!"_

He and his men walked away, Jones passing the group a cursory glance as they did.

"Well, that went better than expected," grinned Dimentio, rubbing his hands together, "Now where were we?"

* * *

"The fate of the world is in our hands, and we've been stopped by a locked door," groaned Dimentia.

Steel, Loon and Ray were leaning over the door console, trying to work out how to hack it. The rest of us were cooling our heels and waiting to get through.

"Okay, let's kill time," I shrugged, "Who's up for reading!"

Crickets chirped.

"That sounded like a yes to me!" I exclaimed, "Danny, Sandy, Jimmy, you're up. The rest of you, cover our rear!"

There was a bit of mumbling as everyone took position.

"Now, when we left off, Kimi had been mind-controlled by a clone guy and some sort of hellspawn while some children's toys ran about a middle school," I explained, "Now, let's see what other _wacky adventures_ the AGU gang will get into!"

_While Tommy was still looking for Kimi, he ran into his brother Dil and Phil._

"I had no idea Phil was his brother," I mused, "Must need to watch the show again."

"Tommy, Dil and Phil talk about Alan again, because that's what kids do," shrugged Danny, "Dil thinks Alan's an evil spy, which is probably the closest thing I can think of to the truth. Then Tommy finds Kimi."

_Kimi just glares at him. Tommy doesn't know why, but the girl he loves has eyes that are red._

"Must be contacts," shrugged Jimmy, "Now, take a look at her 'evil' dialogue."

_"Say nothing! The way you talked is stupid." Kimi yelled._

_"Well, if you want to act like that, maybe I shouldn't be seen with you," said Kimi in a dry voice._

_"I mean I hate you and I never want to talk or see you again!"_

"Apparently, Alan's dark powers just make people act like jerks," continued Sandy.

"It sounds like the other kids in my primary school," I mused.

"Tommy, who is understandably confused, leaves," said Danny, "Alan and Z have a talk about spreading 'teh evulz' to the rest of his friends and nobody else because…yeah."

"Kimi spreads the jerk virus to Lil," I continued, "While Dil, Phil and Susie talk for…absolutely no reason. Meanwhile, Tommy returns to the Pickles home…"

_sad and stuff_

"…and goes off to wallow in self-pity. Didi tries to cheer him up, but fails. Susie and Angelica go to find Kimi and Lil."

_Susie is surprised. She is unaware what just happened to her and she didn't notice that her eyes are now red._

"How do you miss that?" demanded Sandy.

"Due to Susie's epic fail at eye watching, she and Angelica get mind controlled," said Danny, "Meanwhile, Z gets the children's toys from the arcade."

There was a short silence.

"Yeah, that joke isn't funny anymore," sighed Jimmy.

"Chuckie comes along – the ensuing conversation serves no purpose, moving on," I said, "Dil returns to his house."

_"Okay, masking tape, squirt gun, aquarium belt, bowl, and pillows. That should do it" Dil tied the pillows around his body like armor, and was on his way out the door, when he noticed Tommy still sulking in his room._

"Oh my god, change the plot, we need to see what Dil's gonna do with that stuff!" I exclaimed, "_That_ would be awesome!"

"Dil and Tommy begin a nice brotherly talk," continued Danny, "Also Phil gets brainwashed but that's not important. Dil goes out to confront Alan – anyone wanna bet what happens next?"

"He finds a magical wonderland of cake and ice-cream?" I suggested, brightly.

There was a long silence.

"Please, tell me he's being sarcastic," asked Sandy.

"Nope," groaned Danny.

"To put a long story short, everyone's mind-controlled by next morning," said Jimmy, "Which gives us stuff like this."

_"Uh, am I getting the freeze again?"_

_"No. It's more like tolerable hatred, you idiot!" snapped Chuckie._

"Ooh, _burn!_" I exclaimed.

_"Dil, what's wrong with them? They weren't angry with me yesterday. What did I do wrong?" Tommy asked._

_Dil just glares at him._

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. I don't speak idiot!" yelled Dil sarcastically._

"Truly, one of the great insults of our time," added Jimmy.

_"Kimi..."_

_Without warning, Kimi suddenly flips Tommy over and lands on straight on the sidewalk. She then kicks him hard in the stomach ten times. Tommy groans with each kick._

"…well, that was disproportionate," nodded Danny.

"Then the bus arrives, and Lou, who is obviously in a position to help his grandchild or at least notice that he's been attacked, does absolutely nothing," said Sandy, "Cut to lunch, where the lonesome Tommy is approached by Harold and the children's toys, who have lunch with him."

"Strangely heart-warming, that," I nodded.

"Meanwhile, Alan and Z talk…_again_…and it's revealed that Z's starting to have second thoughts on this whole middle-school supervillainry thing," continued Jimmy, "He then decides to lure Tommy to the most secure, trustworthy place on earth; a _warehouse at the edge of town_."

"Meanwhile, Alan assembles his troops," I said.

_Alan sees Tommy's possessed friends addressing him as if they are waiting for a command._

_"You know what I want. Destroy Tommy Pickles. And do not forget who you served!"_

"Well, we _did _serve you, but now we don't," said Danny, "Sorry."

_At the warehouse near town a few minutes later, Tommy, Z, and the disguised minions arrived. It looks torn up and abandoned._

"What an original concept for a place," I said.

_"Why meet here? This doesn't seem like a cool place to meet." asked Tommy puzzled._

_"Hey, don't be wonk. That isn't so rock star. You need to be retro and make up with them someone, pal." Z told him._

"Who _talks_ like that?" demanded Danny.

"In the most unsurprising twist ever, Z shoves Tommy into the warehouse so his mind-controlled friends can kill him," continued Jimmy, "Tommy tries to talk his friends out of it – he fails. He is then assaulted with wooden boards and a_ harpoon gun_."

"Ooh, this Matthews guy really wants him dead," nodded Danny.

"Tommy escapes his homicidal comrades and finds a quiet spot," I said, "Only it turns out it's not so quiet because Kimi's there. She kicks his rear end and then…"

_She takes out a knife and approaches him viciously._

"Incidentally, this story is rated K+!" I reminded.

"Having tried everything else, Tommy falls back on the power of love because he's hit rock bottom," said Danny, "He hand him a locket he was going to give her earlier and says he loves her and – big shock – it works!"

_"Tommy. I got something to say too." Kimi looks at him, sniffing. "I...I love you too. I have for a long time. I can't believed I didn't say it earlier, but now I do, even if I have a crush on someone."_

"And like many fics, including my own, we have the rationale described in a single sentence," I nodded.

"They have a tender moment and then Tommy's friends emerge, having magically broken out of the mind-control because…_because,_" shrugged Sandy, "They make to leave when…"

_"NO ONE'S GETTING OUT OF THIS WAREHOUSE ALIVE!" boomed a voice._

"It was – Dumbledore!" I exclaimed.

"_Lame!_" shouted Danny.

"We get a long explanation of who Alan is and why he's after Tommy, which is better then most fics give us," admitted Jimmy, "Long story short, his dad was an evil wizard who got beaten by a warrior. He returned in 1992 and tried to destroy Tommy, who was the warrior's descendant. Then he married the villain from _Rugrats in Paris_ and ended up being defeated by a baby. Now Alan wants to avenge him. Now, we get a fight scene between the main cast and the children's toys."

"Okay, this is a long fight scene," I sighed, "Let's just say, it's long and kind of repetitive and then they win. Then Alan rides a robotic snail to safety. It's pretty weird."

"Then, everyone goes home, Tommy and Kimi speculate a bit and Alan vows revenge, the end," finished Jimmy.

"Y'know, I don't hate this fic," I sighed, "I mean, it's hardly Shakespeare but it has its charm and it's much more original then the parodies JusSonic would later become famous for. I don't know, maybe I'm just mad, or maybe it's just because it's better then OLLG, but yeah, it's hit and miss."

_Lock Deactivated._

"…and there we go," I grinned, "Let's go save the world!"

I skipped through the door and into the bridge – and was immediately confronted by twelve armed German soldiers, their rifles all pointed at my face.

"…huh."

"Nice going, General Custer," sighed Steel, as the rest of the group readied their weapons.

The bridge was a large room with a panoramic view of the space outside, because apparently tactical design took a backseat to theatrics. The Kaiser and his fellow officers were at the front of the room, on an elevated podium with a traditional ship's wheel as an ornament.

"Ha!" sneered the Kaiser, "Just as I suspected! All I needed to do vas make a few threatening moves und you all come vunning in here. How _contemptible!_"

"Give it up, Wilhelm!" snapped Cartoonatic, "We got you outnumbered!"

"Ja, ja, ja," sighed the Kaiser, waving his arm, "I grow tried of your peasant drivel. Men, kill zem all…"

"Wilhelm, I believe we had an arrangement."

All eyes were suddenly on a figure looking out the window towards the Earth (and the CAFÉ satellite, visible to the left). He was wearing an elegant three-piece suit and a top hat. He also had some truly tremendous sideburns.

"The Knight wishes _me_ to engage them," he snapped, turning around.

"Of course," nodded the Kaiser, hesitantly, "Vas…vas ever he vants, Lord Palmerston."

"Palmerston?" I quizzed, "Prime Minister at the time of the American Civil War? The guy who kept intervening in other countries affairs? _That_ Palmerston?"

"Yes," nodded Palmerston, "Not all of us former PMs care for the PMDF, you know. Some want…more out of life. Hence why I joined the Knight."

"The who?" quizzed Lunatic.

"The Who?" asked Cartoonatic, brightly.

"The Black Knight," elaborated Palmerston, "He is of no consequence to you as you will not be leaving this room alive, but let's just say, he is desirous for the annexation of this planet. He was offering a rich reward to those who helped him…"

"…so you sold out your homeworld," nodded Danny, angrily.

"Basically, yes," nodded Palmerston, "Now, stand down soldiers – I want to deal with this matter myself."

He reached into his coat and pulled out a flintlock pistol.

"A flintlock?" I scoffed, "Ha! You need to get with the times, milord."

I pulled out my M1911.

"_This_ is a real side-"

Palmerston fired, and the bullet struck my pistol, literally tearing it in half.

"…huh," I gulped, horrified.

Palmerston sneered as a purple aura surrounded him. He waved his arm, and suddenly I went flying off into the right-hand wall.

Steel ran forward, leaping into the air with the intention of downwards-slashing the former Prime Minister. Palmerston smirked, and held up his hand. Steel found himself caught in midair, before being flung across the bridge and into the wall.

Loon and Reynol opened fire with their weapons, but Palmerston simply formed a shield from his purple aura, suspending the bullets in midair. He sneered again and thrust his arms forward, sending the bullets hurtling back towards the brothers. While they didn't penetrate, they hit hard enough to knock them to the floor.

Xem attempted to charge forth with his bayonet, only for Palmerston to psychically bend the bayonet to the left moments before the alien reached him. He then grabbed Xem's leg and flipped him over with the one hand.

Dimentio and Dimentia tried to rush the lord. Palmerston psychically grabbed them and lifted them into the air. He smashed them upwards into the roof before letting them fall to the ground.

Cartoonatic and Abe had used this time to try and sneak up on Palmerston from behind. This failed, as he simply raised his arm towards them and flicked them into the wall, slamming them several times before dropping them.

Danny cracked his knuckles and flew into the air while Sandy ran towards him on the ground, the two trying to double-team the lord. Danny fired an ectoblast, which Palmerston simply deflected onto Sandy. Palmerston then punched the air in Danny's direction, causing a shockwave that sent the half-ghost hurtling into the corner.

He glanced over to Spongebob, who threw his hands up. Palmerston sneered, and raised his arm.

"Don't even think about it."

I was aiming the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun at him, barely able to aim through my blurred vision. I might have had a concussion from hitting the wall.

"Oh, vell isn't zat _lovely_," nodded the Kaiser, "Chivalry still exists. Kill him, Palmerston."

Groaning, I pulled the trigged and fired a burst. At this point, something very unexpected happened.

Palmerston cried out and grabbed his shoulder.

There was a long silence.

"Impossible," Palmerston breathed at last, "How does such a fool…well, this changes everything."

He smirked.

"_Almost_ everything, that is."

"_Actung! Actung! Atomic Torpedo has launched!"_

* * *

Outcast and his squad charged into the forward torpedo room. There were several large reinforced windows in the torpedo room, so everyone had a very good view of the projectile accelerating away from the ship.

"_We were too late,"_ said Outcast, shocked. _"We failed."_

* * *

The CAFÉ satellite was in chaos as the crewmen aboard tried to track the atomic torpedo's trajectory. An officer stood on the observation deck, watching it soar through space.

"Have we got a trajectory?" he demanded as a crewman ran up to him.

"Aye sir," shouted the crewman, "It's not headed for Earth or for any of our ships!"

"Then where the hell is it heading?"

"Here…sir," replied the crewman.

The officer went pale.

Outside, he could see as the torpedo began to turn, tracking the satellite and beginning its final approach.

"What do we have planetside?" he asked.

"We have a brigade stationed on Earth," replied the crewman, shakily, "And the PMDF is deployed to Sweden at the moment."

"That'll have to do then," nodded the officer.

He closed his eyes.

"Thank god I have done my duty," he quoted, sighing.

* * *

There was a brilliant flash.

A miniature blue sun seemed to consume the central portion of the station.

The blast was exponentially amplified by the vacuum, causing the detonation to expand to ever-greater size.

By the time the blast dissipated, there wasn't enough of Satellite 2 to make it through the atmosphere intact, let alone support survivors.

The tiny fragments of a station that once held more than four thousand people, now nameless and forgotten, began to fall to Earth.

* * *

I watched in horror as the nexus of CAFÉ was instantly annihilated, while Palmerston merely grinned in satisfaction.

"That's a start," he nodded, "The skies shall be clear for the Knight's invasion. With that in mind, I shall give you a small reprieve. You shall have one month – just one – and then we shall crush you like an ant. I recommend you make the most of your time."

He waved his arms, and suddenly my vision was obscured by purple light. I felt like I was falling.

* * *

I woke up on the floor in the review room. Danny, Spongebob and Sandy were lying nearby, but there was no sign of anyone else. Sam and Tucker were staring at us, confused.

Danny got onto his feet. The phone rang, and he answered it.

"Yeah? – oh, hey Steel – yeah, we're at home too – look, I'll tell you what I know as soon as I actually know something – okay, bye…"

I simply lay on my back, looking at the roof. On the left of me was the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun; on my right, the shattered remains of my 1911.

"Dude, you okay?" asked Tucker, leaning over me.

"One month," I breathed, "And then he invades Earth."

I sat up and buried my head in my hands.

"What the _hell_ am I going to do?"

* * *

**Final Verdict for 'One Less Lonely Gurl' by Monica Gibley-Beiber**

_Danny Fenton: 0/10_

_Sandy Cheeks: 0/10_

_Spongebob Squarepants: 0/10_

_E350: 0/10_

_Total: 0/40_

**Final Verdict for 'The Son of Evil' by JusSonic**

_Danny Fenton: 6/10_

_Sandy Cheeks: 5/10_

_Spongebob Squarepants: 7/10_

_E350: 6/10_

_Total: 24/40_

* * *

Well, that's another big arc review done. I'm going to do a few smaller ones over the next few weeks - next week will either be Quarter-Life or a collection of Peter Chimera fics, depending on whether or not my friend can finish...a project we had in mind. :)

Also, be sure to read this tie-in story by my friend!: autobot-outcast . deviantart (slash)#/d545o1k


	41. Quarter Life: Guest Review FTW!

This was not written by me. It is a guest review by my friend, Autobot-Outcast. That is all.

**OddAuthor:** I knew I forgot someone. =P He'll turn up soon. Thanks for reading!

** : **Aware and annoyed. :| Thanks for the review!

**TweenisodeOrange:** I know, we are all totally doomed. :P Thanks for reviewing.

**Fizzucker: **I had a look. :) Thanks very much!

**RandomNumbers523156: **Unfortuantely, this Black Knight is a bit more competent then Monty Pythons. :P Thanks!

**Cartoonatic55:** I thought you might like that. ;) Thank you!

* * *

**Review 21 – Quarter Life: Halfway to Destruction – Guest Review FTW!**

The Moonlight Society fleet had steamrolled through the inner planets. Everything out to the asteroid belt had been lost. There were some stations scattered around the belt, but their best defence was secrecy.

Jupiter and the Fleet Command HQ had been lost to a Moonlight Society taskforce and the ENIGMA destroyers _Rio Grande_ and _Tiber,_ along with the Battleship _Ellsworth_, had been destroyed. Fortunately the organization's head had been evacuated safely aboard the carrier _Yamamoto_.

Saturn was gone too.

Now limited to the outermost planets, the ENIGMA starfleet had assembled at their last remaining base of sufficient size, Neptune's moon Triton.

A plan was being formed by the leading admirals, first put forward by rear-admiral Samuel Berringer, to retake the fleet yards over Mars.

The homeworld, Earth, had been blockaded. However, ENIGMA still had a small group of bases there, and supplies had to get in somehow.

Olympus One, ENIGMA's cloaked satellite, was holding relative position over central Australia.

This was because the _Tirpitz_ was holding a relative position over North America, and Olympus One was trying to be as far from the dreadnaught as possible.

Aboard the prototype stealth transport ship _Spectre_, currently in FTL, several crates of arms, armour and ammunition were being transported, including civilian infiltration gear.

The entire ship was black, with plating designed to scatter sensors and render the ship effectively invisible. In shape the ship resembled a very thick spade head.

"Approaching FTL drop-off point," said the pilot. "Buckle up."

The only other crew were the co-pilot, preparing to disengage FTL, and colonel Outcast, who was there to oversee the drop-off.

"I wonder how long he's just gonna sit there, all mysterious," said co-pilot Hargreave. "I mean, he hasn't even moved since he sat down after boarding."

"Shut up," said the pilot. "Concentrate on not getting us shot."

Inside his joint-locked (and therefore immobilised) armour, Outcast didn't hear them over the sound of Linkin Park's 'Iridescent', which he was playing over his comm system.

Real space enveloped the _Spectre_. The sudden transition was met with a lurch.

"FTL disengaged. Setting course for Olympus One."

"Might a more circuitous route not be advisable?" came a voice. The avatar of the ship's AI, Icarus, appeared over the dashboard. "If we are detected, we will be leading the enemy to our doorstep."

"Sparkle here's right," said the pilot. "Take us over Europe, then circle down."

* * *

_*insert James Bond theme here*  
_

* * *

E350 walked down platform 3 of Lucerne station.

After being returned to Earth by Lord Palmerston, his normal reactions had taken over.

One two-hour freakout later, he decided he needed a break and caught a plane to Switzerland, the most harmless country on the face of the planet.

In his absence, the other reviewers had decided to review a collection of Peter Chimera fics.

His hotel was just one block away. He reached the end of the platform and turned left. He felt that this holiday would be just perfect, especially for helping him to forget all about world invasions.

* * *

An alarm sounded in the _Spectre_'s cockpit.

"_What's happening?"_ asked Outcast.

"The _Tirpitz _is moving to engage us, sir," said the co-pilot. "But how they found us stumps me."

"We are currently passing through the debris cloud caused by the destruction of Satellite 2," said Icarus. "It is probable that the radiation nullifies our refractive plating's sensor dampening abilities."

"English, please," said the pilot.

"_The radiation messes up our stealth,"_ said Outcast. _"Give me the weapons."_

The gunner's station illuminated.

The _Tirpitz_ launched six MS 'Shrike' Interceptors.

_Spectre_'s turrets, mounted port and starboard at the rearmost section of the ship (the 'wingtips'), turned to face the pursuing fighters.

Twin high-intensity phase-bolt cannons started firing at the fighters. The _Spectre_ was only twice their size.

A fighter blew up.

"We've got to land somewhere!" shouted the pilot. "We're currently over AH-"

A shot from the chase ships had clipped the wing, and the jolt had thrown the pilot from his seat.

The co-pilot took over.

A phase-bolt caught the wing of one fighter, sending it spinning and colliding with another.

Both exploded.

"Alert, incoming," said Icarus.

Two fighters had fired missiles.

"_Evade. Evade!"_ shouted Outcast.

Both engines took direct hits. Too low to maintain orbit, the _Spectre_ began falling from the sky.

* * *

E350 was lying on the bed in his room at the Hotel Flora. The place served a decent continental breakfast and was right around the corner from a bus stop, a train station and a McDonald's.

A place to forget all about invasions, super-soldiers, nukes and all that stuff.

A place without any sign of the Moonlight Society.

After all, whoever heard of someone attacking the Swiss?

* * *

Outcast slowly regained consciousness.

His vision was flickering, his suit was still in joint-lock, and he felt cold.

"_Computer," _he said. _"Where am I?"_

"Location, Mt. Eiger, Switzerland. Northern slope," said his suit computer.

He was surrounded by burning wreckage, some still burning. He disengaged joint-lock and pulled himself upright.

"_Access the ATLAS network. Scan for life-signs."_

"Zero life-signs detected."

"_Is Icarus still online?"_

"Unknown."

"_Scan the wreckage. See if anything is salvageable."_

"Working...two crates of covert operative gear. One arms shipment. One [CLASSIFIED] in duffel bag. One AI storage unit."

"_Mark all with waypoints."_

Five markers appeared on Outcast's HUD. He walked to the first marker, a nondescript duffel bag, miraculously untouched by the crash.

Outcast proceeded to store all his collected equipment in the bag. There wasn't much room, considering the original contents, but there was just enough space for his needs.

Icarus was still online, and ejected himself on an AI storage card which Outcast placed in the slot between his shoulder blades.

He set the remaining supplies to detonate. No sense in leaving evidence behind.

* * *

The stranger stepped off the train. He didn't speak to anybody, he barely moved. He was wearing a hoodie that somehow did a good job of hiding his face.

He was carrying a large duffel bag.

He headed for the hotel Flora.

* * *

E350 had just finished lunch at McDonald's and was heading back to the hotel. As he waited at the crossing a stranger with a duffel bag walked up next to him.

When the light turned green both walked to the hotel. E350 sat down in the lounge.

The stranger walked up to the desk.

"Room, please. No reservation."

"Name?" asked the somewhat bored desk clerk.

"Mr. E."

The clerk typed in the name, looked at the screen, yelped quietly and did a double take.

"Our best room is right this way sir," he said, taking a key from behind the desk.

E350 thought over the encounter.

"That was suspicious," he said to no-one in particular.

* * *

Outcast put the duffel bag on the bed, opened the side pocket and took out Icarus' storage card.

The clerk had left.

"List all available assets and known entities less than twenty miles out," said Outcast.

"A recovery vessel from Stormbreaker One could potentially arrive in seventeen hours, forty-eight minutes. There are multiple MS infiltrators on the region. The reviewer, E350, is standing behind you."

Outcast spun and his right cross sent E350 sprawling.

"Excellent hit, sir," said Icarus.

* * *

E350 woke up. He was lying on a king-size bed in the hotel Flora.

"Outcast to Stormbreaker One, do you copy?" said the stranger into a glowing phone.

There were a few seconds of silence.

"Authorization code Tango Bravo Victor 3-7-4."

A bit more silence.

"Ah, lieutenant. I need extraction. Lucerne."

A little more silence.

"Excellent. I'll call the dropship if anything changes here. Outcast out."

Outcast folded his phone up into something about the size of a USB thumb drive.

"Sir, the reviewer has regained consciousness," said the glowing guy E350 had seen before.

"_You're_ Outcast?" asked E350.

"That's really your first question?" said Outcast. "Understandable, under the circumstances."

"Didn't you try to kill me?"

"Please don't bring that up _again_. I have seventeen hours until I can get out of here. Do you have anything that will pass the time?"

"Well, whenever I have a spare moment I review something," said E350.

"Oh, great," said Outcast. The sarcasm was almost tangible. "Introductions. "You both know me, E350 meet Icarus, an ENIGMA AI. Icarus, meet E350, a fanfic reviewer of some unknown value in this war."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," said Icarus.

"Err...hi," said E350.

Outcast had secured the place personally. There were surveillance 'BUGS' at the main entrances to the hotel, and in the corridor outside. There was a holographic screen over the window, making the occupants of the room invisible without spoiling the view. There were several other, more direct security measures in place.

Outcast had changed into an ENIGMA Naval Officer's duty uniform, with his SMG magnetically attached to his right leg.

E350 had pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket, which Icarus had digitised and sent to Outcast's PADD.

"Well, let's get this over with," said Outcast, reluctance etched into every syllable.

"That's the spirit!" said E350, brightly.

Outcast set his PADD to auto-read, with phonetic pronunciation.

_ATUHOR'S NOSE:_

_Uncycylopidia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing a story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and I dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway._

"So, this story should never have existed, and the author has no spelling or grammar skills" said Outcast. "This is going to be just wonderful."

_CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IT MEANS_

"Oh my god, a correct sentence!" shouted E350. "Maybe this won't be so bad."

_Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried._

"I hate you," said Outcast. "Also, he's misspelled his own protagonist's name."

_Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said "Gordon Freemant what are you working on"_

"What is a 'cow-orker'?" asked Icarus. "This is not in my archives."

"Well, it's either a spelling mistake or something they milk in Mordor," said E350.

"Don't confuse the AIs, they love having things to debate," said Outcast.

_"UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty"_

"Yes, you and your cow-orker must observe with hasty, Gordon Freemant!" shouted E350.

_Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword._

"What's a headcrab?" asked Icarus.

"What's a crowbarb?" asked E350.

"Where did he get a claymore?" asked Outcast.

_He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut  
"Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks"_

_" HAha" They laughed_

"Okay. He _hit you in the head with a sword_. And you're just going to laugh that off before you die?" said Outcast. "If _I_ had the claymore..."

_"Whait oh no where id isotop?"  
"UIt is been stoled!"_

"Yes, Gordon Freechmen, your isotop has been stoled!" shouted E350.

"Stop that," said Outcast.

_CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON'T_

"Spoiler alert!" said E350.

_Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said "I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!"_

"Okay, that sentence made no sense," said Outcast.

"Take comfort from the improbable fact that they spelled 'isotope' correctly this time," said Icarus.

_"NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!" Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there._

"Well, that was clumsy and should have been set up sooner," said E350. "Also, we do not need to know that your friend lives in Dallas. That mistake was made by 'My Immortal'."

"Don't mention that fic near me," said Outcast. "I worked with CAFÉ on the cleanup for that."

_"IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS"_

"What's a 'deman'?" asked Icarus.

"A hellish minion that didn't make the cut," said E350.

"I asked you to stop giving in to his curiosity," said Outcast. "Especially with wild guesses about spelling mistakes. They believe you, you know. They also never forget, and never stop. They're driven to acquire information above all else."

_"TOO LATE" and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize_

"But you haven't made any demans yet," said E350.

_"Ew must escapes out of here fastly" but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons._

"Alas, poor Jimm," said Outcast. "I knew him, Icarus. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand- wait a minute, this guy's a bit character is a story containing seventeen lines. That's just...sad."

"We never even got a stupidly long description paragraph," said E350, fake-crying.

_CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT_

"I thought the isotope already exploded," said E350. "That means Dallas is already gone."

"It uses il-logic, E3, don't question it or we'll be here all day," said Outcast.

_"This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!"_

"So, our protagonist does the smartest thing ever and calls someone to help off-panel?" said E350. "And then doesn't let them help? That's nonsensical."

_And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean.  
"Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission"_

"And in the process irradiated the sea and caused massive destruction to the US Eastern Seaboard, England and Western Europe. Yay!" said E350.

_"Not so fast, Mr. Gordon"_

"It was – Dumbledore!" shouted E350.

"This fic is just sad, short and badly written," said Outcast. "I can't believe we didn't summarise or skip anything. At least it _tried_ to have an original plot, which is more than can be said for some."

_What happens next? You deiside!_

_Tahnks for reading please buy my book at peterchimaera .com i am poor :(_

So the author ends on a pitiful attempt at a cliffhanger and an attempt to hit up the reader for money," said Outcast.

"Also, an entire _book_ like this? Do not want," said E350.

"Okay, well that was a horrible experience," said Outcast.

"I think that review went rather well," said E350. "Nobody tried to kill us this time."

"Your previous statement required re-evaluation," said Icarus. "Moonlight Society operatives have blocked off the entrances, and several are moving through the hotel in our direction."

"How'd they find me so quickly?" asked Outcast.

"I do not believe they are tracking you, sir. I believe them to be pursuing _him_."

Both looked at E350.

"Err...oops?"

"Never mind that, we need to defend ourselves," said Outcast. "E3, can you shoot?"

"Well...I can aim at a target and pull the trigger."

"Meh, better than most." Outcast tossed the reviewer his Desert Eagle. "Cover the door."

"What're you doing?"

Outcast out his duffel bag on the floor and completely unzipped it.

"This isn't a carry-all," said Outcast as the contraption unfolded. "This is a portable suit cradle."

The interior of the bag had contained a skeletal-shaped support structure and multiple robotic arms.

Outcast sat in the support frame which then took him to a reclining position.

The robotic arms began applying his armour.

The MS Infiltrators are covert operatives who specialise in assassinations and in bypassing secure areas.

Six of them were making their way down the corridor.

One of them knocked on the door they had tracked E350 to.

"Who is it?" called a voice.

"Room service," said one infiltrator.

"Prove it!" the voice shouted back.

"Today's lunch special is tuna pasta."

"...is it creamy?"

"Bugger this," said one infiltrator, and kicked the door in. The moment he stepped past the doorway Outcast's electric tripwire shocked him into unconsciousness. A second infiltrator tried, and he had to duck back because E350 had shot at him from behind the bed.

The recoil of the customised Desert Eagle had wildly thrown off E350's aim.

"How does he use this thing?" he wondered to himself.

The robotic sounds from next door stopped.

Outcast appeared in the doorway, armour on, with six varieties of weapon on his person, Icarus on his back and his helmet ready to close.

"Now I'm only going to say this once," he said. The helmet closed, and he became a faceless titan again. _"Get out."_

"It's Outcast!" shouted one infiltrator as two more ran away. "Get him!"

"Well, that's suicidal," said E350 as Outcast proved him right.

The last infiltrator fell, Outcast's blade through his neck.

"Why do you have those?" asked E350.

"_They replaced my combat knives last year. Now come on, we can't stay here."_

Outcast grabbed E350 and jumped out the window. The ENIGMA tech exploded behind him, doing minor property damage.

Outcast turned in midair to take the force of the landing, thus making it survivable for E350, who was still screaming after being pulled through a window.

"_Come on,"_ said Outcast, dragging E350 towards a nearby flatbed Ute.

"Is that yours?" asked E350.

Outcast slapped an automatic unlocking device on the door and pulled it open.

"_It is now,"_ he said. _"Now, can you drive?"_

"I can get from A to B in one piece," said the reviewer.

"_Eh, close enough. Now get in and drive north."_

Surprisingly, E350 managed to get them across the river without causing a major accident.

* * *

Outcast had Icarus contact the dropship, and the dropship relayed the situation to Stormbreaker One. A plan was made. It started with the complete evacuation of the civilian population of Lucerne.

Stormbreaker One made an anonymous tip-off to the Swiss government that a terror attack was planned there, and an agent in the government guided them away from attempting to disarm the bomb, and focusing on the civilians.

For Outcast and E350, the entire city became a free-fire zone. Outcast had cloaked and gone walking during the night, setting up traps.

* * *

Dawn came.

"_Time to go to work."_

The MS Infiltrators were combing the city. They were looking for movement, heat signatures, anything.

Three of them got hit by a Ute.

"On the left!" shouted someone. While they were looking the wrong way, Outcast shot them all with an assault rifle. He was standing on the flatbed using his EVA magnetics and bracing his rifle on the roof of the car.

"_Well that worked. Head for the hospital."_

By the time they were nearing the hospital, they'd picked up six Chevrolet Suburbans full of MS Infiltrators. They were taking hostile fire, but were nearing a turnoff leading to the main road over the river.

"_E3, go over that bridge!"_ shouted Outcast.

E3 swerved and shot across the bridge on the wrong side of the road.

"_Three, two, one..."_

Outcast pressed his detonator, located on his left palm.

The detpacks he'd lined the bridge with went off just as the car shot out the other side. The Suburbans didn't stand a chance.

"What were those?" shouted E3.

"_Tightly packed C5 demolition charges,"_ said Outcast. _"We're approaching the deadline, and we've lost most of our pursuit. Head for the station."_

"So we've just run in a giant circle?"

"_Essentially, yes."_

The Ute pulled up at the station. There was a speedboat tied up on a nearby jetty. They approached it cautiously.

"Is _this_ one yours?" asked E3.

"_It is now,"_ said Outcast, slapping an AUD on the hole for the key.

"I should've known."

"_Icarus, how long until the dropship gets here, and are there any MS water assets in the area?"_

"Twelve minutes to extraction. Four MS Hunter-class patrol boats."

"_Let's go."_

The boat was picking up speed.

"Where are we going?" shouted E350 over the engine noise.

"_We're getting as far away from land as we can!"_ shouted Outcast as he fired at an MS boat that was closing from starboard.

The boat radio crackled to life.

"_This is India 1-4, we are on approach."_

"India 1-4, this is Icarus, approach vector at your discretion. Assistance with pursuing patrol boats requested. Rendezvous is feet-wet, repeat, feet-wet."

"_Copy Icarus, moving to engage now."_

The ENIGMA dropship shot overhead, the rows of rockets on her short forward wings tearing the patrol boat apart.

The dropship got some distance on the speedboat before dropping to water-level and opening her troop bay, currently empty.

Outcast grabbed the wheel from E3 and guided them straight towards it.

"Is this a good idea?" asked E3.

"_It's me. What could possibly be risky about this?"_

Outcast threw the engine into reverse, spun the boat and both passengers leaped off and into the dropship, landing in one inch of water.

"_We're in. Go! Go!"_ shouted Outcast.

"Destination, sir?" asked the pilot.

"_Stormbreaker One, to take him home, then to the Olympus One elevator."_

"Aye sir."

"What happens to me?" asked E3. "You still have orders to take me down, and there doesn't seem to be a pressing need for you to save my life right now."

Outcast looked to be deep in thought for several minutes.

"_I have other things to deal with right now. You're off the hook."_

E350 visibly sighed.

"Thanks."

* * *

"So, you let him go?" said Jones.

After Stormbreaker One had taken E350, Outcast had been taken one of the eighteen CAFÉ shuttles that survived the destruction of Satellite 2 and returned to Triton base.

He was currently being debriefed by Captain Jones and the mysterious leader in the leader's Triton base office.

"_I do not believe that he is the priority right now,"_ said Outcast. _"And...I have been considering something he said to me."_

"What might this be?" said the silhouette.

"_I believe the order to kill him was...given in error,"_ said Outcast, sounding very conflicted.

"Do you now..." said the shadowy figure. "That will be all, colonel. Dismissed."

Outcast walked out of the room.

"Does he know?" the shadow asked Jones.

"No, but I think he suspects something."

"Keep watching him."

* * *

**Final Verdict for 'Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction' by Peter Chimera**

_Outcast: 1/10_

_Icarus: 0/10_

_E350: 1/10_

_Total: 2/30_

* * *

_HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!  
_


	42. The Morph: Wow

We're back!

Review replies;

**Monica Gibley-Beiber: **Yeah, but it was one hell of a troll-fic, so you should be proud. :D Thanks for reading!

**agentxy14:**I'll have to hunt him down. Thanks for the review!

**Sarge Rey: **Oh, I dunno, occasionally it can work. Most of the time, though, it is just stupid. Thanks for reviewing!

**OddAuthor:** Thanks mate! Glad you like it. :D

**RandomNumbers523156: **I've kept the files, so if this goes down, I'll just move to DA. :D Might make a cover one day. Thanks very much!

**Cartoonatic55:** I will, thanks very much. :)

**Wherever Gurl:** If it means anything, I think he's self-published rather then officially published. :P Thanks!

* * *

**Review 22 – The Morph – Wow**

...

What? You want an intro?

Hi.

There, now leave me to mope.

* * *

_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,  
Oh, I believe in yesterday..._

* * *

I was sitting in the review room, empty cans of Coke lying around the chair. I'd grown a stubble, and was waving about a bottle of Mountain Dew while reading SpongeWiki articles. The curtains were drawn, and the only light came from the computer monitor.

"They told me Mountain Dew was magic!" I groaned, slurring despite not being drunk.

Outside, Danny, Sam and Tucker looked into the room.

"How long's he been like this?" asked Tucker.

"Three weeks," replied Danny, "Ever since he got back from Switzerland."

"We've only got one week before Palmerston invades!" snapped Sam, "We can't just sit around moping!"

"I know, I know," sighed Danny, "I got an idea."

He walked into the room, sitting at the table and trying not to be overwhelmed by the stench. His friends followed him.

"Hey," he greeted.

"All of my life is pain," I groaned.

"Yeah, that's great," nodded Danny, "Anyway, I brought this fic you might wanna review, you in?"

"I am dead to this world."

Danny blinked.

"Okaaaay, let's get started," he said, "Let's dig into The Morph, by Kacie Boskey."

_Tommy and his friends were playing in the sandbox. Dil was in a bouncer nearby. Tommy, Phil, Lil and Chuckie thought it looked like a four-wheeled highchair._

"It was a hundred percent necessary to describe that," nodded Sam.

_Meanwhile, Lil was looking at something that was behind Dil. It was small, yet bigger than Angelica. It was at least the same size as Spike. _

"It was a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple..." began Danny.

"Seriously?" snapped Sam, "You're going with that reference? It's 2012!"

"So, the thing comes a bit closer and..." said Tucker.

_It was a dinosaur!_

_"Unknown to both Littlefoot and his friends and the Humans of this wartorn world, events are in store that will cause one unfortunate American to wind up in the Great Valley and for these two timelines in the long and traumatic history of Earth to cross."_

"_NO!"_ thunder Danny, "_Anything but that!"_

"Don't worry, there's no bestiality in this story," reassured Sam.

"Basically, Littlefoot has just come round to give the cast of Rugrats a morphing cube," explained Danny, "From Animorphs. Yes, this is a thing that is happening."

I made a bizarre snorting sound.

"...what was that?" demanded Sam.

"I'm sorry, I suppressed a bizarre-awesome-squee," I replied.

"Of course you did," deadpanned Sam.

"Anyway, after giving us our deus-ex-machina, Littlefoot gives Tommy the morphing power and leaves," said Tucker, "Tommy tries it out."

_His head became a little more square. His eyes became a different size and shape. His hands and feet broadened._

"So he's turning into Arnold Schwarzenegger?" asked Danny.

"Danny, you've only read half the line," snapped Sam.

"I know, I just wanted to make that joke."

_Tommy looked at himself, shocked. "What happened?", he thought. "You morphed. That's what happened", Phil answered._

"They're taking this pretty well," noted Tucker.

"Considering they've been babysat by Mr. Bean, met CatDog, fought with Pokémon, started a rock band, been stalked by an middle-school student with dark powers..." listed Danny.

"I love fanfiction," I sighed.

"What was that?" asked Tucker.

'Nothing, back to moping," I said, quickly.

_"How'd you know what I thought?", Tommy wanted to know. "We heard it in our minds", Chuckie answered. "I think it's called thought-speak. You can thought-speak to us while in morph. And direct it,too", Angelica explained._

"How do you know this?" demanded Danny.

"Because she read the books, duh," replied Sam.

"Having just experienced a world-changing discovery, Tommy immediately changes back and they get on with their lives," explained Tucker, "Cut to Saturday, when they all go to the zoo."

_So at 11:00 a.m., they left for the zoo, unaware that another dinosaur was following them. This dinosaur was much bigger than Littlefoot. He was a fierce Velociraptor!_

Our jaws all dropped.

There was a long silence.

"What," I eventually mouthed, flatly.

I shook my head.

"A velociraptor is walking around suburbia, stalking people, and nobody has noticed this," I said, attempting to rationalise this, "Where are the police?"

* * *

Not far down the road, a police car was parked on the side of the road. The officers inside were watching a velociraptor making its way down the road.

"Uh, Johnny, should we do somethin' about that?" asked one officer.

"Bill, you ever see Jurassic Park?" demanded his partner, "Nah, the Feds can handle this one."

Johnny turned his attention back to his newspaper.

"...Bill, it's mauling a guy."

"Jurassic Park."

* * *

"This makes no sense!" I exclaimed, "Not physical sense! No logical sense! No sense at all!"

Suddenly, I grinned.

"This is _awesome!_ Let's keep reading!"

_About one hour later, Tommy had acquired a wolf, snake, lizard, squirrel, eagle, hawk, racoon, tiger, lion, bear, elephant, alligator, crocodile, cougar, cheetah, and a snow leopard._

"How is he doing that?" demanded Danny, "Where's security?!"

_The families rested near the cliff in the tourist trail in the woods. They all remembered how their kids got lost in the woods. They'd never let that ever happen to them again._

"Which is why they went to the woods, obviously," deadpanned Sam.

_The Velociraptor was nearby. He thought it was the perfect time to attack. He growled and hissed. "What was that?", Angelica whimpered. "It's okay,sweetie. It was probably just one of those wolves back there", Charlotte reassured her daughter._

"I love how the zoo's built in an area where _wild wolves_ run about," I grinned.

_Suddenly, a Velociraptor jumped out and in front of them!_

"Yeah, I hate it when that happens," nodded Danny.

"Tommy stands up the inexplicable velociraptor, as you do," I said, "He proceeds to turn into a wolf _in full view of the public_. Pretty sure that's a no-no, but then, the Yeerks haven't even been mentioned, so who knows?"

_But then, the Velociraptor held out one of his clawed hands and struck Tommy across the face. A red line appeared, stretching from the top of his eye brow to his neck. "Roooaaarrr!", _

_Tommy roared in pain. The Velociraptor then reared down his head and pushed Tommy in the chest. He fell down. unconscious._

"Tommy Pickles – not a very good Animorph," sighed Sam.

_Suddenly, Dil started to bounce in his bouncer. He started to roll towards the dinosaur._

"Dil will save us all!" I exclaimed.

"Tommy wakes up and sees Dil launching a one-baby charge against a velociraptor which ends up sending all three of them over a cliff," said Danny, "Tommy is still not a very good Animorph."

_Tommy woke up and started to fight the animal again. The Velociraptor finally gave up fifteen minutes later._

"Geeh, forget it, I'm gonna go harass Jeff Goldblum," growled Danny, imitating the velociraptor.

_Tommy dragged his brother, who now was awake, back up the cliff. He morphed out. Didi was so glad Tommy had saved Dil's life, she gave him an award._

"Congratulations, you have defeated a velociraptor by turning into a wolf and beating it up!" exclaimed Sam, "Here's a lollipop!"

_Tommy made the front page the next day._

"Yeah, I have that newspaper," I nodded, it's pretty surreal."

* * *

**INFANT MORPHS INTO WOLF; FIGHTS INEXCPLICABLE VELOCIRAPTOR  
****_In Unrelated News, Arizona Scientist Arrested For Cloning Velociraptors_**

* * *

"Anyway, the story literally closes on a single line..."

_But Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Dil, and Angelica decided not to morph ever again. Except when Tommy has to. And Tommy knew that his life will never be normal. He liked it._

"And that's it," finished Danny, "Tommy never morphs again, nobody bats an eyelash at velociraptors and transforming babies, and the Visser realises that 'hey, they aren't andalites after all!"

"That was totally insane," I admitted, "But so help me, I can't help but like it. Certainly, it makes no sense, but such an _earnest _attempt to write a story that makes no sense. It has no chance of success, but the author does it anyway!"

I stood up.

"And you know what?" I exclaimed, "Maybe we don't have a chance! Maybe we will be beaten into a fine paste by Palmerston and the Kaiser! But damn it, we can at least _try!_ Now, how long do we have?"

"Seven days," replied Danny.

"...dang, I should have that that epiphany earlier," I nodded, "Never mind, you work with what you've got. Tucker, see if you can't hack the _Tirpitz'_ systems and get us landing zones. Sam and Danny, get on the horn with anyone you can, see if we can't have a response ready in time."

"What about you?" asked Danny.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the wrecked M1911.

"I'm going to replace this thing," I replied, "Also, test out the Panther tank!"

"...the _what?_"

"Yeah, I spent part of my mope-time on EBay," I nodded.

"Of course you did."

* * *

**Final Verdict for 'The Morph' by Kacie Boskey**

_Danny Fenton: 5/10_

_Sam Manson: 4/10_

_Tucker Foley: 5/10_

_E350: 7/10_

_Total: 21/40_

* * *

Yesterday (c) the Beatles.


End file.
